If it was your wedding, would you mind..

[BrilliantBetty]

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

So I would go, and leave DH with the children, but that is just our family dynamic. The bride absolutely is BU if she thinks you're being rubbish for not attending if she has said kids can't come. End of. I've missed weddings and sent DH because I was breastfeeding, he's missed weddings because I was the close friend and we had no childcare. I'm the family in the next wedding we are due to attend so my kids will be the only kids there and honestly? Probably won't be as much fun lol

If you're close to the bride, go and leave DH. if it's not a big deal if you fall out, don't bother, they weren't worth it anyway!

I have found in general that people who have weddings suit themselves 100% which is fair enough. They will have it abroad, hundreds of miles away, in locations that only have one very expensive hotel, childfree, blacktie only etc. etc. and if you don't fit in they get upset. They expect you to pay out hundreds to go abroad or hundreds to stay miles away or expect you to fork out for a black tie. They don' t care about your commitments, bills, childcare issues etc. If you were a friend you would do it for them.

I think people should suit themselves for their wedding day and should do as they please but should not get upset if others cannot accommodate their requests.

As much as the bride needs to realise having a child-free wedding will inevitably mean some guests can't attend, I still think you're over complicating this OP.

If you want to go, then go with your parents and have a nice child-free night while your DH stays with the kids 🤷‍♀️

Unless you're one of those couples who won't allow the other to socialise without them?

If so, perhaps that's why she said 'Don't be silly?'

Also if anyone is on the fence about having kids definitely do it! My friend's baby did the noisiest, loudest, fartiest crap during our vows and it was fucking hilarious! there are multiple photos of our guests crying through our vows then pissing themselves laughing at a baby taking a shit.

He is 8 now and I still tease him about it but I might have to lay off soon until he comes out of the other side of puberty

I think inviters have no right to think that anything is a lame excuse. Good manners suggest that if you are invited formally, then its acceptable to say that you regret that you will be unable to attend and that should be the end of the matter. You may wish to include a private less formal note saying how sorry that you will be unable to be there and wishing the couple a happy day but no reason need be given or should be expected. I hate all the "save the date" palaver. Why should I?

@AfternoonToffee

If someone decides on a child free wedding then they have to accept that some people with children will be unable to attend.

This ^^

I've not attended child free weddings in the past.
It's their choice just as is mine not to go.

Just make a deal with DH , he does this wedding so you can go , and you do ONE a for him?

Just make it clear that’s the deal ?

Don't go and say you've no childcare.

Both my siblings decided on a child free wedding. I wasn't allowed to bring my 1 year old so I didn't go. My parents were attending and my in laws arnt able.

@BrilliantBetty

I am the guest that is finding childcare to be a pain.

The bride is a close family friend and has invited my parents, who are usually who we would ask to babysit but they will be at the wedding themselves. They have known bride since she was born & are excited about the wedding (well DM is).

DH could ask his DF to babysit but since FIl has never looked after the DC before I think he'd struggle alone looking after a 2yo & 6yo for a full day & evening.
We don't have anyone else.

It is about 2 hours away & in the countryside.

I personally don't feel comfortable using an unknown babysitter from the internet. I don't leave the DC regularly.

When I told bride we may not be able to attend she said 'that's just silly'.

the that's just silly thing is bridezilla. Run, do not walk to the nearest exit. You don't have to explain or justify your choice to anyone. The thing about your husband going off loads of weekends and leaving you with the kids is a separate issue and different conversation with a different person. He shouldn't be dumping the kids on you frequently for any reason. And your parents are excited about the wedding of YOUR childhood friend? I mean I get they can't have the kids for you but what is THAT all about?

I think it's a tricky one for you with a 2 & 6 year old and not a very understanding reaction from the bride-to-be. If it is your DM that's super keen to go, would your DF consider not attending and doing the childcare so that you could go instead? Or doing a swap and your DP attend the ceremony and you the evening part or vice versa?

By DP I meant parents not partner.

Can't stand bridezillas.

When my son was tiny we were invited to a close friend's wedding that was child-free except for family. There were loads of kids there! Found out later they'd decided not to invite our child as they 'thought we needed to have some fun'. But I had to pump during it all, I found it really stressful, it was his first night away from us (had to stay over), ugh! It wasn't fun! Their wedding, their choice, but I do think it's silly for them to have decided what was fun for us.

If you aren’t able to leave your children, it is fine to decline the invite. Please do it soon and don’t leave it until the last minute so she can invite someone else if she wants to.

Whatever you do, please don’t accept and then decide it’s too difficult at the last minute. We had some friends with three children (the children were invited) text us the day before to say they weren’t coming - we missed the text, their parents sat on a table with five empty chairs (so embarrassing) and it cost us a total fortune.

^I have no family who can take care of my kids, and no regular childcare in place aside from school. I would not be going to a wedding that was no kids! All my friends know that the last time I went out with my husband was 2019, for his Christmas work do as we managed to get his rather flighty and unpractical mother to be in the house whilst we were out for the evening. She is always busy and quite unreliable, so we may be let down at the last minute anyway.
If you are the bride who feels let down due to this then all I can say is that I hope you have a decent support network around you when you come to have kids, or you may find that your social life is much reduced like mine....^

But that is your choice.
My parents died when my dc were little. I can count the times my in-laws sat on one hand with fingers to spare . However, it doesn't mean we never went out. We paid people to babysit, as we valued some time as adults.
If you choose not to, then that is obviously fine. We all make our own parenting decisions, but don't make out that it is impossible. Oh, and not having been out in a pandemic is probably normal for most people.

@BrilliantBetty

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

It wouldn't bother me at all. My wedding was child free (apart from 3 small relatives and a new born) and one couple chose not to attend.

We paid people to babysit, as we valued some time as adults.

You were very fortunate to know someone reliable to do so. Not everyone does.
So what you are saying that because someone doesn't trust someone to look after your children they don't value time as adults?

Close friend, like a brother to me. He did a reading at our wedding. I didn’t go to his wedding because it was child free.

I had an exclusively breastfed bottle refusing 3 month old, who was 5 weeks premature. Even they’d have given an exception for the baby (they didn’t) we wouldn’t have gone as it would have caused massive jealousy in our 3 year old who was already struggling.

My parents and brother and his wife were at the wedding (they have similarly aged children, but their youngest was bottle fed so easier to leave). My in-laws were either I another country, hospital or at work.

It’s changed how I view him tbh. They’ve had their own baby now and have said they understand how I felt, but still stand by their decision. I was devastated at the time. My whole family was at the wedding of someone I loved and held in high esteem and they couldn’t care less that I was upset, or make allowances for the absolute hell we’d been through for the previous 9 months.

If they are a single parent, they might find it difficult to get childcare. If the are married/other parent around, they have no excuse. The other parent doesn't need to come.

I’ve been here. It was a winter wedding between Christmas and NY. My mum, our only reliable childcare was invited, and the MoG insisted that we couldn’t split who came to what part of the day so the kids could be looked after by someone they knew. We live abroad, the wedding wasn’t even in our home city, it was the other end of the UK. It was a nightmare and in the end I wasn’t prepared to spend so much money to be away from my husband and kids on the 28th Dec (what I think the wedding party thought we should do). The sad thing is, despite the fact they are family (distant, not close family) they haven’t really spoken to us again. Weddings are such a minefield. I am totally with you here, but you will suffer the consequences.

If it was me and it was a very close friend I'd probably make her kids an exception just so I could have her there although if it was a very close friend of mine and they couldn't find a baby sitter they'd probably come on their own and leave the kids with their husband rather not attend. Anyway what I'm saying is if it were a close friend I think we'd both be flexible enough to make sure she could come

I’d think “fair enough” unless I was a bridezilla 🤷‍♀️

If it was a good friend I'd go myself. I think your reason for not wanting your dh to stay at home sounds slightly daft tbh.
I am Irish though as it's only even immediate family kids who go to weddings so to me it's bonkers to expect to your kids to be invited too.

It’s not silly, the bride is.

No @RampantIvy. As I said in my post, I am saying people have choices.
Oddly enough, I didn't know any babysitters before my dc were born. I made enquiries when I realised it would enhance our lives.