Page 14 | If it was your wedding, would you mind..

BrilliantBetty · 2021-04-07T16:24:26+00:00

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family. Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

underneaththeash · 08/04/2021 19:37

I think it's a bit crap OP. But, I also find the excuse that you have no childcare a bit pathetic, unless you genuinely can't afford it. Contact a babysitter, check they have an up to date DBS and they can meet the kids beforehand.
Unless you have a breastfed baby, it's a bit of a crap excuse.

Tessabelle74 · 08/04/2021 19:38

If you're the bride, have you considered a childrens entertainer? That way the kids can come but the adults can have a child free ceremony and the kids can then join in with the dancing later?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/04/2021 19:39

Maybe she’s miffed because children of cousins you rarely see are invited but not your close friend’s child who presumably you know well?
Maybe she just didn’t want to come without her child? Her choice, don’t be annoyed.

Tessabelle74 · 08/04/2021 19:40

@underneaththeash with 4 kids to pay for, a babysitter for a full day and evening isn't an excuse, but a big expense! They want around £12 an hour before 8pm and even more after, factor in the cost of drinks, taxis etc it can add up to the cost of a family weekend away!

Sausageroll67 · 08/04/2021 19:40

@Aquamarine1029

When I told bride we may not be able to attend she said 'that's just silly'.

Oh fuck off to this cheeky cunt. After such an absurd response, I wouldn't go to her wedding if Mary Poppins came to babysit. What an entitled little twat.

She’s not a “cunt” and I see her point! I wouldn’t want a child there I didn’t want there. I am sorry but I didn’t go through the MN “approved” way of marriage, getting married by some bins with two tramps I’d never met as witnesses. Our wedding was well into the £20-30k region and I wanted my guests to have a good time, not to pander to kids, especially a breast feeding one at the dinner table.

daisypond · 08/04/2021 19:42

[quote Tessabelle74]@underneaththeash with 4 kids to pay for, a babysitter for a full day and evening isn't an excuse, but a big expense! They want around £12 an hour before 8pm and even more after, factor in the cost of drinks, taxis etc it can add up to the cost of a family weekend away![/quote]
So you expect the bride and groom to pay for, feed and entertain your DC?

therocinante · 08/04/2021 19:53

We had a childfree wedding - neither of us particularly like children, it wasn't a very conventional wedding, and we weren't in the least upset if people couldn't make it due to childcare issues. That's the risk you take - we preferred to have a small raucous wedding with people we wanted there than have the 15 - 20 children who's have been in attendance otherwise (and only one couple didn't come due to childcare issues, which was absolutely fine - we missed them, but we celebrated with them another time).

Alis25 · 08/04/2021 19:53

If people decide not to include the children of their friends they have no right to be surprised or offended when their friends decline the invite. Not everyone has easy access to childcare especially during the day and often at a weekend. It’s odd how people think normal courtesies don’t apply to weddings but they do - if you want your friends to turn up then you need to make it easy for them.

SueSaid · 08/04/2021 19:54

'think it's a bit crap OP. But, I also find the excuse that you have no childcare a bit pathetic, unless you genuinely can't afford it. Contact a babysitter, check they have an up to date DBS and they can meet the kids beforehand.'

It isn't pathetic at all. If her parents are the usual babysitters then obviously it is a problem and who wants to leave kids with a stranger for a whole day and evening no matter how 'up to date' their dbs is .

Just decline op and don't give it another thought. Child free weddings like destination weddings unfortunately mean some can't or won't attend.

RampantIvy · 08/04/2021 19:56

I'm surprised at the number of people who are happy to leave their children with a complete stranger TBH.

1busybee · 08/04/2021 19:57

Hmm on this occasion I would be inclined to say leave the children with your partner and go yourself. It sounds like she s a close family friend and all your family will be there so you’ll have company. Your partner is surely more than capable of looking after the children himself. If it was a friend who was getting married and I didn’t know many of the guests etc then I’d be more in longer to bow out but it sounds like you’ve known this friend a long long time and have lots of history together. Your children are old enough to be left with their dad so I would go and enjoy myself. Your husbands friends may well not have no children invites in which case your concern over being left behind will not be an issue. It’s wrong to not go to this wedding because of the potential issues you may have about future weddings.

daisypond · 08/04/2021 19:58

@Alis25

If people decide not to include the children of their friends they have no right to be surprised or offended when their friends decline the invite. Not everyone has easy access to childcare especially during the day and often at a weekend. It’s odd how people think normal courtesies don’t apply to weddings but they do - if you want your friends to turn up then you need to make it easy for them.

The normal courtesies absolutely apply to weddings - that means you don’t expect your children to be invited and included all the time.

JustLyra · 08/04/2021 19:58

Contact a babysitter, check they have an up to date DBS and they can meet the kids beforehand.

How do you meet a babysitter beforehand when, as in the OP’s case, the wedding is two hours away?

AliasGrape · 08/04/2021 20:04

Mumsnet approved weddings are insane. They mustn’t cost any money but must have a free bar and also include the 40 odd children of your friends and extended family.

I’ve only ever been to one wedding that wasn’t immediate family children only. I’ve been to a lot of weddings, loads.

I had my nieces and nephews at mine because they’re a huge part of my life, we simply didn’t have the money or the space to invite another 30 kids which between friends and cousins was what it would have been. Nearly as many kids as adults in fact and that just wasn’t the kind of day we wanted but the point was nobody expected that either. And nobody was unable to come on childcare grounds, even those who had to travel a fair way (and who I did say I’d make an exception for) - nobody minded and they’d have been weird if they did because all of their weddings were child free also.

I get what people are saying about if you choose not to invite children some people might not be able to come of course I do, but the tone of some posts are a bit ‘oh well if you choose to do this selfish and highly unusual and demanding thing of course people won’t come’ but in my world it is utterly utterly normal 🤷‍♀️

BackforGood · 08/04/2021 20:07

I think there are two separate conversations going on here.

One is the point that you can pay for babysitters if you choose to.

Separately, some people are still replying to the OP's question about this particular wedding.

The OP has a really good option of going to her old, childhood friend's wedding (where she would probably know lots of people), with her parents, and he dh looking after the dc.

Part way through the thread, a different point has come up as it always does when people talk about babysitters where some posters are proclaiming that they have no-one who could possibly look after their dc.

bellie710 · 08/04/2021 20:13

I had an almost child free wedding only had immediate family kids and 2 others that I used to nanny for. My MIL was not impressed as she wanted other kids invited but we stuck to our guns as had no space. I would not have minded if any of our friends couldn't come due to childcare issues but I know loads of bridzillas that were not the same!

ImAlrightThanx · 08/04/2021 20:26

Not at all.
By choosing a CF wedding, you take the chance that people with small children won't be able to attend for a variety of reasons- including that they just don't want to leave their children, which is fine.

bridgetreilly · 08/04/2021 20:35

Either it’s a child-free wedding or it isn’t.

If I were invited to a wedding but my children weren’t, I’d assume I wasn’t a close enough friend that they’d mind whether I was there or not.

Rustygriswold · 08/04/2021 20:41

Yes, I’d be quite offended that my friend didn’t think my children were as good as her own family’s children.

But then I think child-free weddings are a selfish idea anyway.
All this having to be perfect in every aspect at weddings nowadays, it’s one big control by the bride.

Kids running amok at a wedding are part of the memories. We had ADHD, autistic and all sorts of kids at our’s and they did indeed run amok but rather that than a sterile everything’s so perfect a guest is scared to spill a drop of drink sort of day.

AliasGrape · 08/04/2021 20:52

@Rustygriswold

Yes, I’d be quite offended that my friend didn’t think my children were as good as her own family’s children.

But then I think child-free weddings are a selfish idea anyway.
All this having to be perfect in every aspect at weddings nowadays, it’s one big control by the bride.

Kids running amok at a wedding are part of the memories. We had ADHD, autistic and all sorts of kids at our’s and they did indeed run amok but rather that than a sterile everything’s so perfect a guest is scared to spill a drop of drink sort of day.

Nonsense.

My friends children are every bit ‘as good as’ my nieces and nephews I’m sure, but my nieces and nephews are, you know, my nieces and nephews. Massive part of my life, I’ve babysat them and taken them on adventures and been holiday childcare for them etc. My friends children are lovely but I’m not as close to them. I would indeed think any friend who expected me to be so was indeed being a bit silly.

And I didn’t not invite all children because I wanted the day to be ‘perfect’ - I did it because we couldn’t afford to pay for 30 children and there wasn’t space for them.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 08/04/2021 20:52

Yabu. Leave your husband with the kids and go with your parents. Or offer to pay for your kids meals if you can’t leave them (you can get a babysitter/nanny or ask a friend you have lots of options you just don’t want to you and are just being difficult imo).
If you had a tiny breastfed newborn of course it’s reasonable to decline. Your reason for declining would offend me if I were the bride.

orangegina · 08/04/2021 20:53

Is it your friend or your parents friend's daughter?

Seems odd that your Mum should go but you cannot. Can't mum sacrifice attendance and look after the kids?

genius1308 · 08/04/2021 20:58

It's a difficult one tbh. We had a child free wedding and I'm glad we did. If we'd have had a true choice I'd have invited some children and not others. I had family and friends who had lovely children who is have had no problem inviting BUT I also had family and friends whose kids were absolute brats (and never checked for it) and I knew there was a huge potential for them to ruin the day so I opted for totally child free. We only had one guest that didn't attend because of it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/04/2021 21:10

Ours is family children only or else means we can’t have friends we went there due to numbers

Tho who knows what numbers will be for July

Been cancelled twice so far. May 2020 and May 2021

But in answer to your question - if enough notice is given if a friend really wanted to be there they would , unless have say sn children who can’t be left without anyone

Mollymoostoo · 08/04/2021 21:13

My sister arranged a party that was child free and I was the only sibling with kids. I didn't go as on top of the cost of hotel, new clothes etc it is hard to get childcare at night when your whole family is at the event.