If it was your wedding, would you mind..

[BrilliantBetty]

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

Why should the OP hire some random babysitter at her cost to attend a wedding 2 hours away. No thanks

We are getting married this year all being well. It was always supposed to be small ir 35 to 45 so i booked a venue with capacity for 60 pre covid. Im assuming we will still be social distancing to some extent even in a few months and wont be able to keep to close to 60 so my way around this is only adults. I wont take it personally if some don't come and like wise hope those with children aren't offended

A few years ago we were invited to a friend’s wedding. The invite arrived with children’s menu so I RSVP’d with menu choices for us and the kids. Got a swift reply ‘sorry hun, no children (except bridal party’s children), but hope you can make the effort to attend without them’. Not that simple when we have no close family around, and the friends we trusted with the kids were all attending the wedding, which she was well aware of....

Fast forward a couple of years, she had a 10 month old baby and was invited to a no children wedding. She had a massive fall out with the bride, accusing her of being ridiculous to expect her to leave the baby for the day (yet she leaves him with her mum or sister at least once a week to go shopping/out for lunch/to get her hair and nails done and sometimes overnight so she and hubby can have a date night....)!

I lost a good friend - I assume because I turned down an invite to her child-free wedding.
The fact was, her wedding was on my son’s 2nd birthday - which was a Saturday. I work full time so I worked on his 1st birthday, and due to a leap year, wouldn’t have been off work again until his 7th birthday. Also, the wedding was 2 hours from where we live, and our family (who were our only possible child care) lived another 3 hours further north. I was completely ghosted by this friend, and 10 years later I wish that things could have been different.

A few years ago we were invited to a friend’s wedding. The invite arrived with children’s menu so I RSVP’d with menu choices for us and the kids.

But who was invited to the wedding? Surely it would say on the invitation who precisely, by name, is invited.

@daisypond

A few years ago we were invited to a friend’s wedding. The invite arrived with children’s menu so I RSVP’d with menu choices for us and the kids.

But who was invited to the wedding? Surely it would say on the invitation who precisely, by name, is invited.

It only had my name on the envelope, but it was sent by post so not unusual to address to a single person rather than the whole family/invited people. The invite just said ‘x and y request your company to celebrate their wedding....’ so didn’t specify who was actually invited. Plus the children’s menu was on a separate sheet so why include it if they weren’t invited?!

So you could go if your oh stayed at home with the kids, but are choosing to not do that as you don’t want your oh to go to other weddings without you?
The bride is possibly wondering what reason you would have to not leave the kids with their dad for the day, why she isn’t worth the effort if she is supposedly a close family friend. I think being a good friend is doing things that are sometimes inconvenient but important to others.

If you are at an age where there are lots of weddings then you just have to go through that. With kids of your own it can be a hassle getting childcare but you just have to do whatever your situation dictates and if that means one of you attending then 🤷🏼‍♀️ That’s what we have done over the years, just had to deal with each wedding situation as it arose, some we had to leave early but made the effort to go as they were friends.

If you want child free you have to accept some may not attend.
I'm a single parent, was invited to family wedding (no kids policy). Ex-husband was being an arse and wouldn't swap weekends, all my family (and babysitters) were attending the wedding, no other babysitter options as oldest is ASD so no great surprise I couldn't go.

Exactly @AliasGrape

Seems odd that your Mum should go but you cannot. Can't mum sacrifice attendance and look after the kids?

Why on earth should another guest miss out, because the OP won't use any of the options she has ? I can't believe you would even suggest that. The OP's Mum would have made all these decisions herself, when her dc were small. Why on earth do you think someone else's dc are her responsibility now ?

@BEXY39
It only had my name on the envelope,

Pretty big clue there then.......

Seems odd that your Mum should go but you cannot. Can't mum sacrifice attendance and look after the kids.

@orangegina That's a joke, right?

In that instance I wouldn't go and I wouldn't give a seconds thought to what the bride thinks to my rsvp declining their invitation.

Sorry I meant to quote the ops second post with that reply!!

@BrilliantBetty

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

If I had been invited to a child free wedding when my son was younger than I wouldn't have gone.

@BackforGood not really - hubby was invited, it’s only the kids who weren’t.

Just don’t get why you’d put a separate kids menu in if kids aren’t invited? She didn’t put a kids menu in with the invite to another couple who don’t have kids so it’s not like it was just sent to everyone (and again that couple’s invite was only addressed to one of them on the envelope, but both were invited).

When my triplets were babies, I went to a good friends wedding and had to stay overnight, I had to sneak up to the room to express as I was turning into Dolly Parton;-b
I wouldn’t have missed her special day.
I have known a lot of people that use their children as excuses to get out of things over the years, and coming up with a plan for childcare with plenty of notice shouldn’t be that difficult in general.

Child free weddings always have me puzzled - surely you invite people you want to be a part of your day, people you love and some of those people will have kids, which are a part of who they are and who you love... So to cut the kids out (and therefore the adults) is pretty harsh. I wouldnt go somewhere my kids weren't welcome and I don't like leaving them to go out (I miss them too much, worry too much and just don't have a good time so for me not worth it).

To have a wedding where some kids are allowed and not others is weird! If family kids are allowed - what's a few more? (plus they all get together and have a good time and entertain themselves a bit so it's all good).

I had busy bags at mine so they have fun things to do during the sit down boring bits and the rest of the time they danced and played. They were absolute angels the whole day.

I haven't been to many weddings, and as far as I can remember none of them have been child free.

I think that people got married a lot younger many years ago, and had their children after they got married. So, having a child free rule wasn't necessary as most people's friends just didn't have children yet. The weddings I have been to have been largely family affairs with a few friends rather than mostly friends with a few family members, and family children were included.

Members of my family have moved around a lot as well (so have I) so no-one has these vast friendship groups that many posters on MN have. I think I only invited 5 friends to our wedding, and DH only invited one (the best man).

We had a child free wedding. I didn't want children there apart from my bridesmaids and our flower girl.

It was a wonderful wedding and everyone who was invited attended. It being child free was a non issue.

We are invited to a wedding later this year that is child free. We've had two children since marriage. Doesn't bother me one bit the children not being invited and they will be cared for by grandparents that day.

I think it's about respecting the bride and grooms choice and if it offends people
because their children aren't invited to a wedding, then they shouldn't go.

It's no big deal.

Neither you are being unreasonable. I don't agree with children at a wedding, it just ruins it, kids running around, bumping into waiters, tables, alcohol, lewd jokes during speeches etc. I just don't think it's the atmosphere for children. Imo it's really an adults only event. I despise this thinking where 'all human beings' should attend. There are some events that are Adults Only, and for e.g would you take a newborn to a heavy metal concert? Or a meeting with a bank manager? Or a Hen's Night with toddlers and children where there are sex games played? I don't think so. This event is another example of appropriate audience for appropriate event. So she's not being unreasonable, but you can't find child care so it's not your fault you can't attend. You're not being silly or unreasonable, and she should realise that. And if she doesn't, then she is being unreasonable.

To have a wedding where some kids are allowed and not others is weird! If family kids are allowed - what's a few more?

But it’s often not a few more. It would have been 30 more at my wedding.

I do regret declining in this situation - but I didn't want to ask her to change her no child rule and I couldn't make it work.

We were amongst the first in our friendship group to marry. I think there were six kids there, mostly cousins children. A lot of friends were single.

Fast forward 10 years. Weddings still happening... But now everyone has partners and kids. Its easy to see why they can't be invited.
Its either more actual friends, or some friends children.

The wedding is important to the couple. The children are important to their parents.

I think it's about respecting the bride and grooms choice and if it offends people because their children aren't invited to a wedding, then they shouldn't go.

It cuts both ways. The bridezilla shouldn't be offended that somepeople can't get childcare. I simpy don't understand people who say "but you have plenty of time to organise childcare". These comments are by people who either have easy access to childcare or aren't concerned about leaving their DC with a complete stranger for several hours. If the wedding is several hours away or abroad then it is even more difficult to get childcare.

I don't understand why these brides lack the social awareness to get this.

We had a family children only with a couple of exceptions for children we were very close to. There were a few people with very young babies who chose one of them to come alone, most were glad of a day without their children, one attended alone (childcare was definitely not a problem) but we had a falling out beforehand because of it and have not been close since. Most of our friends have several children and there would’ve been almost as many as adult guests. We did briefly debate inviting them all and entertainment for them but this would’ve made it an entirely different day, cost a fortune and meant that we could not invite as many of our friends or have the venue we wanted as it wouldn’t hold that many. I’m sure some were offended which wasn’t our intention and we worried about upsetting people it was simply the only realistic way. I’d say try not to fall out over it, if they allow your children to attend there’s probably a lot more would then be unhappy if theirs couldn’t!

You are both being reasonable. I wouldn’t go to a child free wedding but would feel no ill will towards the couple, it’s their day. Likewise, you have to accept that some people will not want to join you without their children.