What are narcissists like as children?

[DianaT1969]

I see many posts about narcissistic parents and partners on MN. I don't know much about it, but assume that people don't suddenly become narcissists in adulthood. If so, what are they like as children, and at what age does it become apparent?

Only speculation about a couple of family members, but I think they probably start out as sweet and compliant, made to feel special, and then they get betrayed by a parent or someone close to them. Narcissists have a deep shame that goes beyond just normal insecurities. I don’t think they’re born with narcissistic personalities.

This is a good question and I’m interested to read people’s experiences

I was under the impression people developed personality disorders, not that they were born with them. Watching thread with interest.

As you say, it’s all speculation, but the narcissists I know best were very much indulged as children. Whether that made them narcissists or fed a narcissism that was already there, I don’t know.

In my brother’s case (yes, he is diagnosed) utterly indulged. My mother who was also diagnosed was emotionally neglected and abused by her mother. (She repeated the pattern with me - the scapegoat/Golden child pattern)

My DMs younger sister is a narcissist. She was absolutely spoiled rotten as a child, a surprise late baby born when my grandparents were in their 40’s and presumably they didn’t think they’d have any more children. They completely doted on her and the whole family’s life revolved around her. DM says that my GPs never told her off, she got away with things the rest of them would never have gotten away with and by the time she was a teen she’d developed behaviour issues. Apparently she used to have proper temper tantrums well into her 20’s.

That's interesting about the deep shame they feel and how people develop personality disorders as adults, rather than born with it. I had assumed they might be born with a predisposition to it.

@justilou1 - I'm sorry that you had that experience in childhood.

Damaged, profoundly damaged, which might lead to developing narcissist traits as protection.

In our families case I think there is a predisposition to it as I’m certain my GM was one as well. She was also indulged by her mother as a child. I believe my DM has narc tendencies, but isn’t a full blown like her sister. The other siblings are totally normal interestingly (or seem to be, they might be different with their own partners and children).

My sister from a family of people who behave similarly (our father, aunts, grandfather).

Built up and encouraged due to facial disfigurement which she refused surgery for (with hindsight many people believe she liked the fact that people remembered her for it)
Bully but people still wanted to be around her.
High IQ
Manipulative from an early age
Highly volatile
Highly competitive
Always right

Parents who saw her as the golden child and me as the scapegoat.

She was clever with words would wind me up until I lashed out them I’d get in trouble, got me banned from everything I liked by winding me up after till I lashed out at her and then the activity got blamed.

They are raised by narcissistic parents who teach them that’s how to behave. It’s not nature it’s nurture. Humans learn social behaviour and customs, how to treat people in relationships (family, romantic & friendship), by example ie from their primary care givers. Probably imprinted before they are 7 years

Oh my, I’m reading all the responses about overly indulged children. My ex and my father are both narcissistic people. Both were emotionally and physically abused as children. Developed a self centred way of living through survival

Following

My mother. She had wonderful parents who, thank goodness, looked after me. But she was an only child until she was seven. On top of this, her brother caught polio when she was a teen and she felt marginalised by the attention he got. She is diagnosed.
She is nasty. Always setting people up to fail, lying and cheating. She has to be the funniest, cleverest, brightest star in the room. She’s 85 now and I’m told she hasn’t changed.

Ex Dh also diagnosed but I don’t want to go there.

Everything is about them and they are allowed to be like that, maybe even encouraged and indulged by parents, for far too long.

Many people can show traits of narcissism at different times in their lives but that doesn't make them classic narcissists which is a very serious condition. The word is bandied about far too liberally nowadays.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

My exh. His poor sister had to live in his shadow. He was born after his (very young) mum had given birth to a very deformed baby. He came along, perfect, bouncy, healthy boy. Completely indulged. His little sister was some kind of afterthought and largely ignored. Their parents were chronic alcoholics and occasionally violent. Very twisted reward/punishment systems for both of them. His sister has become largely sef destructive, avoids the world. Exh is the life and soul of the party, idolised by those around him (who don't know the 'at home' façade, he has a fan club of adoring sycophants. But heaven help anyone who dare criticise, or suggest his childhood was less than perfect!

Gilead, if you don’t mind me asking, how did the diagnosis come about? Were your mum and ex in therapy?

@DianaT1969 - while I had a horrible childhood, I left home early and put myself in therapy almost straight away. I am the more functional human being. Happy relationships with colleagues & husband, long-term friends, educated, wonderful, happy kids. He is incapable of insight, has never worked and is resentful, has wasted his life and pushed everyone away with his necessaire demands. He becomes so aggressive with his entitlement and jealousy that he is not a emotionally safe person to nave around my kids.

I read somewhere that narcissist children are often spoilt with material things but not supported emotionally

My sister. Manipulative even when she was little and would know exactly which button to push to make my mother choose her side. Would try to gang up with other siblings if she was targeting one of us.

She behaves exactly the same now that she is an adult (including tantrums) and it surely did not help that she was very much enabled as the golden child. We are NC. She has always hated me for being slimmer and being considered the ‘prettier sister’.

Children only become narcissists in adulthood. A narcissist is someone who doesn’t grow out of their childish behaviours.

I read that as children, narcissists are often praised highly by parents for one specific thing. For example, looks, academic ability or being sporty. But they aren’t valued for who they are or shown empathy. Which is why narcs often have at least one narc parent.