What are narcissists like as children?

[DianaT1969]

I see many posts about narcissistic parents and partners on MN. I don't know much about it, but assume that people don't suddenly become narcissists in adulthood. If so, what are they like as children, and at what age does it become apparent?

It seems very convenient that it's the parents' fault that somebody is a narcissist. Couldn't possibly be the narc's fault now, could it?

@LeaveMyDamnJam

I recommend HG Tudor’s narcsite.com

It is fascinating.

Yy and his YouTube channel.

@SingToTheSky

Fascinating thread. I don’t know anyone diagnosed with it. A few have traits I think.

It’s interesting about the abuse/neglect aspect. As an abuse survivor married to an (horrifically severe) abuse survivor I have often wondered what makes one person follow the cycle of abuse (in one way or another) and what makes another break it.

Re the autism etc mentions - I’ve spoken to my psychologist at length about the common misdiagnosis of EUPD/BPD in women who are actually autistic (she wrote her doctoral thesis on it and most of her NHS work was split between autistic adults and adults with PDs). The same can happen with ADHD - often misdiagnosed. I would love to know her views on NPD (sometimes I wish we could just have a long chat about psychology outside of my therapy sessions :o).

This is fascinating to me. My OH has suspected asd (we have a child with asd) and shows a lot of traits of vulnerable narcissism. I suspect that young autistic men are at high risk of developing NPD due to the rejection they receive because of their ASD and that the incel community is made up of a lot of those. (Just a theory of mine). This is why diagnosis and support of ASD is so important.

Over 50% of women with asd are misdiagnosed with something else first I read (often BPD) but again it wouldn't surprise me if ASD is tipping over into BPD because of the lack of support, misunderstanding and rejection people with ASD receive. I think there is probably a high chance that people are comorbid due to the way they have been treated by others.

@Redjumper1

I think people just diagnose very difficult and self centered people as narcs. NPD is a personality disorder. Diagnosing selfish people with this just gives them an excuse to behave badly. Everyone seems to know 2 narcs but it is more probable, in my view, that you know two very flawed people as opposed to two people who have a serious psychological disorder.

Someone upthread quoted a figure of 0.5% of diagnosed NPD in the population. 1 in 200. So if you get to know 400 people in your life - through workplaces, family, school, hobbies - you would expect to run into one or two people diagnosed with NPD. I think that's a not unreasonable number.

@roguetomato

I don't know anyone irl, but seen so many being called one online. Is it really true? I believe anyone can has traits of everything to certain degree. So I really don't believe there are so many of them around as it appears to be reading something online.

I don't know if this helps, but for example, places I have talked about my suspicion that my mother has NPD: mumsnet, twitter, OutOfTheFog website, Captain Awkward website, my own blog. Places in real life where I have talked about my suspicions: zero (well, my DH, but it's gone no further than that.) I'm well aware that the label of NPD carries a stigma, and I've no wish to make my mother's life any more difficult than it already is. There's even very few of my friends who know I'm NC with my mother - I gloss over it when asked about my parents. I've not seen her for 5 years. You could have friends and colleagues around you in the same situation as me and not necessarily know.

As a teacher, children are naturally narcissistic. In fact a lot of narcissistic behaviour is what we call childish.
In children, it's normal and expected. We deal with it by treating them as children and gently show them how to form productive relationships through pro-social, assertive and honest behaviour.
I think when children are never taught any better, usually through neglectful or indulgent parenting they become adult narcs.