If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[ItalianRed]

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

@broadstrokes the thing is that all the SAHM mums I know do exactly this. School run, pop out for a food shop, home for lunch, put the washer on, back out for school run!!!!

@eatsleepyogarepeat

Yes I judge SAHM.

It’s the endless claims of ‘busy’ that does it for me when they wouldn’t know busy if it stopped them in the street. In my experience it’s the school run, a few hours of popping to the supermarket, maybe a bit of housework then it’s time for the school run again. Many have nothing else going on in their lives - this is just my opinion and experience!!!!

How would anyone possibly know how busy someone else is?

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, someone might be busy volunteering, supporting a relative, helping family with childcare, looking after animals, hobbies, running a small business, further education. There are any number of things that could be keeping a sahm busy.

@Quit4me you seem to make a lot of assumptions about how much time a child spends with their parents who are working!

I work full time and spend way more than an hour a day with my son (he's awake at 6am for starters!)

You also seem to make judgements about nurseries without understanding them. What bit of key worker is difficult to get? It also is the same adults in my sons nursery he had the same 3 staff for over a year and then had a transition time with his key worker to the next room and next key worker.

He doesn't just love the activities he loves nursery and regularly speaks about his friends and his key worker. At the weekend he will ask to see his friends.
I am in no doubt that my child is secure and happy. You seem to make sweeping statements without actually understanding that some children love attending nursery!

I do understand a bit of child psychology and also have friends who are primary school teachers. Who will all say the same thing those children who have attended nursery are by in large more well adjusted, easier to teach and have less separation anxiety when they enter school then those who haven't.

@MrsWhites I know 7-8 SAHMs through school and I know them well. Not one of them does anything with her day other than school runs and a bit of housework. One regularly comments on how she’s been sat watching telly all morning

I don’t judge them. One of my friends is a SAHM. In all honesty though, if I’m looking to meet new mum friends, I would tend to try to meet women with more in common with me.

I don’t get SAHM of teens, I have teens. I don’t judge but I can’t really get my head around it. I had loads of SAHM friends when the kids were in primary and I had a times when I was a SAHM then too. I don’t really know any women who don’t work at all regardless of how wealthy they are, and many are extremely well off. I know too many women who had wonderful lives and were entirely dependent on their husbands and it all went tits up and they weren’t equipped to bring in an income as they hadn’t worked for so long.

I work from home, so Technically I am a SAHM, I just earn money

Eh, no you're not. Half the world has been working from home this past year, doesn't mean they're all SAHPs.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I work from home, so Technically I am a SAHM, I just earn money. Sometimes more than dp (for some reason I still do 95% of childcare and housework), but I don't judge them. I'm just pretty jealous. I'm off on mat leave at the moment and I would love to do this all the time. I'm having a blast.

No, you’re not. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Unless your “job” is MLM which isn’t work at all.

There are different circumstances in lots of families. I know some sahms that are super busy and contribute loads to the community. I think those ones have quite rich lives and their children are lucky. There are other sahms that have been forced into it, others who don’t do much etc. Sahm to pre school or disabled children will be doing lots. I do wonder about what people do with older children if they don’t do volunteering or pick up a new interest.

In my own mum’s case, it was lovey to have someone at home but I don’t think it did her any good. Her world became very small. I worry about women whose lives revolve around ironing and the school run but wouldn’t judge sahms in general. Conversely, I feel guilty for working as much as I do. I’d love to stay at home at the ages my children are but long-term I don’t think it would be good for me.

I'm not sure how working full time equates to only spending one hour a day with your children? Unless you're commuting 2+ hours each way, which the vast majority of people don't.

I only have one friend who was a SAHM when her children were school aged. The majority of people I know had children in nursery at least part time. Lots of happy, well adjusted children with good parent child relationships.

Alien your friendship group sounds very narrow if you all have 'professional' type jobs - personally I enjoy having a mix of friends, some retired, some SAHMs, some senior professionals, some who are on benefits, some work part time, some have vocations and earn very little ... it makes for a much richer experience than just mixing with 'people like me'.

I work from home, so Technically I am a SAHM, I just earn money.

Err, no.

A PP said teens would be embarrassed to have a SAHM. My teens/tweens know loads of friends with SAHMs. Arent all parents embarrassing for teens?
I work 5 days a week but not FT, and I'm sure just by existing I embarrass my teens, and in fact my teen DD recently said she wouldnt like to be like me and Dh when she grows up because our lives were so boring, and she doesnt want to go out to work.

I have been a sahm for 18 years. DC's 18,13 and 10. I do feel judged and have had comments from family and friends about getting a job now kids are older. Ex DH calls me benefit scrounging scum.
However I have severe mental health problems which I hide very well indeed so being in paid employment is unlikely until or if I ever recover.
My mum was a single parent and worked ALL the time which I really resented so I didn't want that for my DC's.
Don't judge other sahm or parents who work although all my working friends get a lot of family help with childcare which is not an option for me.

No, but it’s difficult to focus on your just turned 1 year old when you have a newborn.
I had twins and a 2 year old. I felt terribly guilty (despite not meaning to have twine obviously) that I wouldn’t be able to give each baby it’s own time and also my other child wouldn’t be able to have as much time as I wanted to give if I only had one more.

So in those circumstances, juggling with newborn twins & a 2 yr old by yourself is preferable to having a nanny to help or a few hours of childcare for the 2 yr old?

just makes me feel sad for those children who don’t see either of their parents for more than 1 hour per day.

This is a very outdated view of the world of work & not necessarily representative of parents who work even if f/t. I'm p/t & as I said TTO, DH is f/t but we both have flexi hours & the ability to wfh 2 days a wk. I can work to walk & he has a 30 min commute with the school around the corner from where we live.

When a child starts school (too young in the UK in my opinion for full time) they are almost past this critical stage

So you won't take a preschool place? As a European I agree that formalised school starts a bit young here but play & socialisation is important.

I'm a SAHM but I don't really feel judged because I don't hang out with dickheads.

My DC are young 2&4 so I'm pretty busy, and I feel like I'm a very positive role model for my children because I'm a good person with interests, hobbies, time to talk and listen, read to them, play outside etc.

I know one mum who has commented that my life is one big holiday, but I could sense the bitterness and jealousy from her long before she said anything negative to my face.

I would judge a mother of teenage kids, or older, who was a SAHM, yes. Particularly those who have wasted a good education to potter about like a nan, doing a bit of volunteering, going to the gym, getting their nails done, and then going home to cook dinner for a husband who always works late and kids who would rather grab a MacDo with friends.

They always chunter on about how “busy” they are - doing what? And also seem to be over-involved in their adult children’s lives - making their dental appointments, getting their Euros for them if they are going on holiday, dropping and collecting dry cleaning.

@Ragwort

Well I can't help who I went to school with. We've been a close group of friends for 30 years 🤷‍♀️.

I'm a SAHM but I don't really feel judged because I don't hang out with dickheads

It really is about the company you keep.

Nothing is more important and personally I would live in a crap area / go without what ever I could to be able to raise my child and not palm my children over to someone else to do it for me.

I have a different view here. I have no regrets that they were raised by wolves I continued my career, so thanks to that, yes they can have swim classes and school trips and yes anything they need. And they also have a nice home in a lovely, safe neighbourhood. Or that when DC1 didn't thrive in the local school, I could put them in a great private school without a second thought, where he is now thriving. You think those things don't matter? That working parents only work because we hate our children and want to bribe them with Xboxes to ease our conscience?

Only on here.

There are lots of SAHMs where I live so thankfully I have never felt judged.

If people do, then I don’t care as it works for us and makes sense given our situation.

To those saying they judge if SAHMs don’t have hobbies: how do you know what they do in their spare time? I have various hobbies but I don’t go around mentioning them to people. If someone asked what I’d been doing that day as small talk at pick up then I still wouldn’t mention my hobbies, I’d probably give a vague answer.

Yes, I’m afraid I do judge people who stay at home when the kids are beyond reception age.

^So do I. I don’t actually know any SAHMs.

I honestly don't judge either way. Every family's circumstances are different....

So do I. I don’t actually know any SAHMs.

So it's a completely academic oppositional other that you are rejecting? Who else are you judging that you have never met based on a completely benign decision that is different to your own?