If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[ItalianRed]

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

I dont judge anyone - everyone's circumstances and peferences are different. I do urge anyone thinking of becoming a SAHM to consider what would happen if the worst happened to their partner or husband, but it's their personal risk assessment to make and their choice. I'm a FT working mum - I have close friends who are also working mums, some who are SAHM and some who are not mums at all. We all treat each other with respect and sympathy and advice as and when required. My SAHM friends arent boring, their children havent sucked all the life or personality out of them, they are perfectly all capable of holding a conversation that does not revilve around their kids, but we, all talk about our children too and take an interest in each other's lives, because we are friends!

Some of the views held on MN about SAHMs are awful and just smack of jealousy. Some of the comments about working mums are just as horrible too. We're all doing our best and working with what we have.

@Quit4me I wasn't going to bite to your 1950s view but here goes.....

I know my child enjoys nursery because he's excited to go and we have done signing with him since 4 weeks. Way before he could say he was happy he was signing happy for nursery so it's bull that a 1 year old can't tell you what they are thinking/feeling.

Not sure how a child attending nursery is not a stable home without routine if anything there is more routine and structure to the day.

As for why you want them to be independent actually independence in toddlers is a good sign that they have developed emotional skills, are comfortable in surroundings and are able to express themselves properly.

My DS definitely didn't have any less attachment to me attending nursery he BF til he was nearly 2 and it didn't matter if I was home or he was at nursery he still wanted BF at particular times which he had.

As for the "leave my child with strangers" what do you think school is?! And actually they aren't strangers to my son nurseries assign a key worker to children.

I'm not sure what bothers you so much about parents working and supporting their children. My toddler is definitely well rounded, can communicate well in speech or sign language and runs into nursery each day with a smile on his face and comes out with a smile on his face.

Again I reiterate that the people who seem to have the biggest judgements says more about their own issues than others.
You might not have chosen a career but many of us did and love it and we are good parents to boot with thriving children sorry if that pisses you off because you felt your choices were the only way...... They aren't.

Do you judge fathers for earning money instead of earning the bare minimum and spending every second with their child?
Love that point, @WiganNorthWest

I'm a sahm and not a bit embarrassed or ashamed by it. My husband works long hours and earns a lot of money. I don't need to work nor do I want to. I don't feel like I've ever been judged and I've never judged any working mothers. In fact I'm always in awe as to how they seem to have it all together in comparison to me !!

I’ve been both.

I do have negative thoughts about SAHP who get into the position where they can’t afford to leave bad situations. This is because of my own childhood with an abusive parent. I never would have done a stint as a SAHP without the savings and skills to be able to support my child if my DH turned into a monster.

I don't judge SAHM's who are actually at home looking after small children. However, I don't class a parent who is at home whilst their secondary school aged children are out of the house 7 hours a day 5 days a week. I would say they're unemployed/ homemaker, whether it's a choice or not.

Within my friendship group my friends all have interesting professional jobs- solicitor, social worker, psychologist, accountant etc and I can honestly say we rarely talk about work, so I don't get the having nothing in common comments.

Personally I like my job and I've gone to uni for 9 years to qualify so I wouldn't give it up lightly. It gives me peace of mind to know that if my dh walked out/ dropped dead I can support my family financially.

I don't judge. I wish I could afford to be a sahm.
I do feel judged by other parents for not being able to attend sports days school plays etc & at work for requesting time off to be able to attend the above or if kids are poorly being at home with them.

@IWishIWasABaller

I'm a sahm and not a bit embarrassed or ashamed by it. My husband works long hours and earns a lot of money. I don't need to work nor do I want to. I don't feel like I've ever been judged and I've never judged any working mothers. In fact I'm always in awe as to how they seem to have it all together in comparison to me !!

😂 I think the same about SAHM I have no idea how they do it!

Its not for me as said but I have the up most respect for someone who chooses to do and is happy to do so.

@knocke

Just not the 1-1 attention that I had been giving my baby for the last year and hated the idea of strangers teaching my baby and getting to see all their firsts whilst I wasn’t there

My mum had 4 under 5, even with a nanny 1:1 attention constantly for each dc was impossible.

Yes, also not ideal but at least a consistent caregiver(s)

There are a lot of threads about women who have saddled themselves with useless, feckless or abusive men, but if a man is feckless and abusive then he's going to be like that whether you work or not.

50% divorce seems very high, nothing like 50% of my friends are divorced. Anyway. If you have any sort of decent relationship, things like joint accounts, life insurance for both parties, joint savings are fairly standard. When I stopped work and became a SAHM I had about 3 years before starting freelancing very part time. Nothing changed - I had access to the joint account like I always had.

I have a good and decent DH though, I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't a good and decent man. We had been together about 9 years before we got married, and 11 before we had kids. The threads which pop up regularly about some woman who is often not married to her "d"P, who has no cash for anything and he is splurging on gadgets are mind-boggling.

It gives me peace of mind to know that if my dh walked out/ dropped dead I can support my family financially.

If my DH dropped dead I would be MINTED. Pension, death in service benefit, mortgage paid off, life insurance... I would be the epitome of the rich widow.

I know my child enjoys nursery because he's excited to go and we have done signing with him since 4 weeks. Way before he could say he was happy he was signing happy for nursery so it's bull that a 1 year old can't tell you what they are thinking/feeling.

A child might not always be able to tell you when they're happy, but they sure as hell are capable of telling you when they're not!

As for the "leave my child with strangers" what do you think school is?! And actually they aren't strangers to my son nurseries assign a key worker to children.

Anyone who has ever been a parent to a child that loves their keyworker can testify just to how much love that is and how atri g that bond is.

It's easy to have preconceptions about something - and let's face it, we are all guilty of it - but my daughter loves, and has always Ioved going to nursery.

What do you do all day at weekends or on holiday @LoveFromDeauville? Maybe go for a walk in the sunshine, or read a book

That's of course lovely. But I really can't imagine my face if DH told me one day that he wants to quit work and spend his days walking in the sunshine and reading a book while I work to pay the mortgage..

@RaspberryCoulis can I ask who your life insurance is with pls? I have been looking but the high payouts are very ££££.

If my DH dropped dead I would be MINTED. Pension, death in service benefit, mortgage paid off, life insurance... I would be the epitome of the rich widow.

Lucky you! What if he left you or had a debilitating illness that mean that he could no longer work? Might want to check your insurance - lots of things aren't covered, or have finite coverage. What if your husband died of a cause that is not covered - i know of soneone this has happened to.

@Quit4me so should my mum not had more than 1 dc to ensure 1:1 time?

@RaspberryCoulis

It gives me peace of mind to know that if my dh walked out/ dropped dead I can support my family financially.

If my DH dropped dead I would be MINTED. Pension, death in service benefit, mortgage paid off, life insurance... I would be the epitome of the rich widow.

What if he walked out? Spousal maintenance to keep the lifestyle the stay at home spouse is accustomed to is becoming increasingly rare, isn't it?

I was a SAHM for the first 2.5 years of DS's life but after that I was keen to get back to work. Personally I think if kids are of secondary age then there really is no need for mum (or dad) to be at home full time.

To be completely honest, I would judge. I know I shouldn't, it's none of my business, but your child is a teenager. I felt embarrassed as a teenager that my mum didn't work and I am so proud of my career (work part-time with one pre-school, one school-aged). You do what works for you, but you asked!

[quote Scottishskifun]@Quit4me I wasn't going to bite to your 1950s view but here goes.....

I know my child enjoys nursery because he's excited to go and we have done signing with him since 4 weeks. Way before he could say he was happy he was signing happy for nursery so it's bull that a 1 year old can't tell you what they are thinking/feeling.

Not sure how a child attending nursery is not a stable home without routine if anything there is more routine and structure to the day.

As for why you want them to be independent actually independence in toddlers is a good sign that they have developed emotional skills, are comfortable in surroundings and are able to express themselves properly.

My DS definitely didn't have any less attachment to me attending nursery he BF til he was nearly 2 and it didn't matter if I was home or he was at nursery he still wanted BF at particular times which he had.

As for the "leave my child with strangers" what do you think school is?! And actually they aren't strangers to my son nurseries assign a key worker to children.

I'm not sure what bothers you so much about parents working and supporting their children. My toddler is definitely well rounded, can communicate well in speech or sign language and runs into nursery each day with a smile on his face and comes out with a smile on his face.

Again I reiterate that the people who seem to have the biggest judgements says more about their own issues than others.
You might not have chosen a career but many of us did and love it and we are good parents to boot with thriving children sorry if that pisses you off because you felt your choices were the only way...... They aren't.[/quote]
No it’s doesn’t piss me off- just makes me feel sad for those children who don’t see either of their parents for more than 1 hour per day.
Signing happy nursery does no more to convince me. Yes they may enjoy the activities there but not having one solid caregiver - the same person day in day out will make most children feel insecure at a deeper level. Being with mum or dad for the first however many months and then being with other unknown adults will also make most children feel insecure on a deeper level.
If you have studied child phycology, you will know that the first 4-5 years are the most important.
When a child starts school (too young in the UK in my opinion for full time) they are almost past this critical stage

There are a lot of threads about women who have saddled themselves with useless, feckless or abusive men, but if a man is feckless and abusive then he's going to be like that whether you work or not.

True - but I could just walk out and would not need to stay in an abusive marriage because I can't support myself. If you read the Relationships board, this is a very, very common issue.

I give not one single rats arse about anyone else’s situation.

SAHM - good for you!
WOHM - good for you!

[quote knocke]@Quit4me so should my mum not had more than 1 dc to ensure 1:1 time? [/quote]
No, but it’s difficult to focus on your just turned 1 year old when you have a newborn.
I had twins and a 2 year old. I felt terribly guilty (despite not meaning to have twine obviously) that I wouldn’t be able to give each baby it’s own time and also my other child wouldn’t be able to have as much time as I wanted to give if I only had one more.

I've been both and never judged the other.

I wasn't able to work until DD was 10 yesrs because I was a lone parent with mental health problems. I judged myself harshly at the time and worried that people thought I was lazy.

I returned to work part time when DS was 10 months, doing 12 hour days on a hospital ward. Now I worry that I'm being judged for leaving him at home with his dad whilst I work (he's self-employed).

You can't win either way

I work from home, so Technically I am a SAHM, I just earn money. Sometimes more than dp (for some reason I still do 95% of childcare and housework), but I don't judge them. I'm just pretty jealous. I'm off on mat leave at the moment and I would love to do this all the time. I'm having a blast.