If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[ItalianRed]

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

The only time I judge is when it seems to be the same (working) parents that volunteer to help out with school related activities and I do wonder what the fuck some of the SAHMs are doing.

I think if you are independently wealthy it's fine but if you're solely relying on your husband when your children are school age it's a no no . I think financial independence is so important .

I often wonder whether there is a SAHM club for mother’s who feel so pushed out by the judgement of working mums.

I honestly dropped so many friends because I felt so so judged

My experience as a working parent was being judged by my stay at home friend.

And I quote 'I didn't have children to pass them to someone else to raise' when we were talking about our childminder.

I now work part time and think it's the best of both world! There's a group to judge me either way, the days I'm working and the days I'm not

I personally don't care who does what. I was concerned for my friend giving up a good job though, having 2 DC and not being married. Her DP was a bit of a useless fecker who has now let her down spectacularly.

I am always surprised by the ones who don’t appear to do anything more than housework and cooking to fill their time.

I think they’re a dying breed though. Many of my friend’s mothers were these people but very few of my peers seem to be now that we are mothers ourselves.

Having said that,

I judge people who think that staying at home with kids is incredibly boring that it’s not worth doing m. Or that being at home with kids meaning you don’t have your own identity.

I think they sound unable to cope with change, not emotionally resilient and very rigid in their ideas of life.

And give up too quickly.

If people are having a career because that’s their choice for themselves and their families I don’t judge snd admire how they make it work.

But if someone isn’t able to appreciate what a stay at home mum can offer to her kids in terms of emotional development and security then I think they don’t have much of a deep insight.

But if someone isn’t able to appreciate what a stay at home mum can offer to her kids in terms of emotional development and security then I think they don’t have much of a deep insight
What exactly do you think you can offer your children whilst they are at school that a working parent can’t? I would be interested to know what emotional development or security children could potentially be missing out on by their mother working?

I think they sound unable to cope with change, not emotionally resilient and very rigid in their ideas of life
Well this is awkward, seeing as working parents do everything SAHPs do and work.

I honestly dropped so many friends because I felt so so judged

Perhaps they were glad you dropped them since you think their children are lacking emotional development and security

Going about acting all aggrieved about being judged for your privileged choices will certainly invite judgement. As will having left a trail of so so many dropped friends in your wake.

JeanClaudeVanDammit
SpongebobNoPants

You are clearly very defensive and reading into my words more than you should.

My posts are directed at working mums who judge SAHM as lazy as if there isn’t any value to what they have to offer to their families.

Clearly you are one of them, so yes I judge you. I think you are incredibly insecure about your parenting to have to make assumptions about other peoples lives and dynamics.

I didn’t say a SAHM offers more emotions resilience and security compared to a working mum. But in many family dynamics yes her role in doing that is very important.. and working would be not better for the family.

I think it’s incredibly narrow minded to not be able to appreciate other peoples different paths of decision making.

It comes across as someone very insecure about their parenting and so it might serve them best to focus on their own lives.

Oh dear. Why do these threads always end up with such nasty barbed comments on both sides?

SAHPs are no more lazy or boring than WOHPs. WOHPs are equally capable of supporting their kids' emotional development and giving them a sense of security. Neither are better people and neither are better parents. You don't have to bitch about other people's choices in order to justify your own.

We all have opinions on this subject, which will be influenced by what we have experienced growing up and by what we have seen around us. For me, it was very important to maintain my career because being a SAHP didn't work at all for my mum. For others, it will be important to stay at home, because of their own experiences that may have helped to shape their views. It doesn't actually matter what anyone else does. What matters is that you and your partner can agree on a model that works well for you as a family, and that your children are happy and thriving regardless of your set-up.

MiddleParking

Deal with your envy.

My choice isn’t “privileged”. It’s what I consider to be best for my family and a compromise I’m willingly making for what I perceive to be best for my family.

Which by the way, isn’t the same as your family. So we all get to make different choices !

I must just be dense then, as I still don’t understand what benefit a child gets from having a parent at home while they’re at school rather than one who is at work while they’re at school. The only answer given so far is that they do all the housework so the child isn’t neglected in favour of Henry Hoover in the evenings, but apart from that we seem to be drawing a blank.

I do judge it as lazy because working parents do everything you do on a daily basis, but also work.
I can’t imagine wanting to only cook, clean and do school runs. I think that would be such a sad existence and mind numbingly boring.
I get a thrill out of personal success as well as raising a happy family. I’m able to offer my children security financially independently of anyone else if need be and also model hard work whilst running a home.
It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

JeanClaudeVanDammit

Not really getting into a polarising argument.

I believe for MY kids, me staying at home offers them better emotional resilience and security than if I went to work.

Notice that I’m talking about myself. And the fact I’m fully capable to make that decision for myself and don’t need to justify it to u.

I might even be better qualified that you so not sure why I need to answer to you?

@JeanClaudeVanDammit I agree.
A huge amount of time must be spent doing things that only benefit the SAHP... hobbies, gym, socialising etc.

SpongebobNoPants

Yes I know. And I read your previous posts.

You’re entitled to your opinion. I tend to avoid hanging out with people like you.

I tend to find that most working mums who are still my close friends are those who deeply prioritise family and are aware that for some families that might mean quitting work for few years and for others it might mean working..

That awareness comes with wisdom. I don’t expect everyone to have it. That’s why I choose my friends wisely.

Those that find me lazy I judge them as shallow.

I tend to find that most working mums who are still my close friends are those who deeply prioritise family
I prioritise my children above all else, you’re implying in your posts that working parents do not.

But even if they do spend hours doing stuff for themselves - I'm sure some do and some don't - who cares? Why does it matter what they do if it works for them and their family? There is not much virtue in competitive busyness.

As long as they don't make smug, self-congratulatory comments about how they're prioritising their kids' emotional resilience and security much more than those feckless WOHPs do, what does it matter?

Less judgment all round would be good.

Seeing you as privileged and ungracious to complain, which I do, isn’t the same as envying you, which I don’t.

I might even be better qualified that you so not sure why I need to answer to you?

Don’t then. Better qualified than me at what? Radiating a protective forcefield of emotional resilience that penetrates school walls so your children benefit even while they’re not actually with you? If so that sounds awesome and yes, you are more qualified as I don’t have that superpower. My poor DC.

SpongebobNoPants

I think you are wanting to misquote me to point out something that isn’t there.

If you read the statement you quoted, it is talking about “working parent” who prioritise family.

I judge judgemental working parents. Not all working parents.

The same way I would judge judgemental stay at home mums who think all working parents are self centred and abandoning their families. I think those stay at home mums are shallow and not really making that decision for their family’s sake but more for other shallow reasons and insecurities.

But absolutely same applies to judgemental working parents who feel the need to dehumanise and undermine the decision of SAHM and see them as less valuable than theirs.

So look in the mirror

@AlexaShutUp it doesn’t matter, but them spending doing hours of things for themselves is what I consider lazy (it could even be argued it’s rather selfish). The OP asked if people judge SAHPs, I answered honestly... I do unless there’s extenuating circumstances.

So look in the mirror

Tbh, you sound terribly judgemental yourself @DeepThinkingGirl, so you might do well to follow your advice.

None of the generalisations or insinuations on this thread are helpful.