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Original poster

If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

736 replies

ItalianRed · 03/04/2021 14:34

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Hmm Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

OP posts:
rainbowballs · 05/04/2021 19:44

@TownTalkJewels

I think it’s fine for a woman to choose to be a SAHM, but wondering- do SAHMs get riled up about entrenched gender imbalances, the pay gap, very few female CEOs etc etc?

If I knew one who did, I think it would bother me.

I do. Because I want women who want to be a CEO to be able to be one.

I however, do not.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 05/04/2021 19:44

Giving them all of (or most of) their time. There is no one activity that a sahm can do that a wm can't. But what they give in addition is time.

But what time? The school aged children of the SAHM are at school during school hours. The school aged children of the WOHM who works school hours are at school during school hours.

sticktomygun · 05/04/2021 19:45

I work and dont judge SAHMs.

However, the reality is I have very little in common with them and exist in a separate space to the world that they inhabit.

I could never do personally, even if the children's father had the finances to cover everything, so there is respect there.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 05/04/2021 19:45

@rainbowballs you do know that working parents have to do all the parenting things that SAHPs do outside school hours too right?

We don't just finish work, go home and chill. We pick the kids up, make dinner, tidy the house, do schoolwork, baths, bedtime and everything else that comes with being a parent.

MarshaBradyo · 05/04/2021 19:45

It is true there’s not much in it but how many sahp are school hours only?

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 05/04/2021 19:46

Probably nowt but how many SAHP only work school hours? Probably less than 5%

It may not be the average but I don’t think it’s that rare, 30 hours over 5 days is a common working pattern at my place, working school hours for 4 days and then 1 longer day when the other parent picks up instead.

rainbowballs · 05/04/2021 19:49

@JeanClaudeVanDammit

Giving them all of (or most of) their time. There is no one activity that a sahm can do that a wm can't. But what they give in addition is time.

But what time? The school aged children of the SAHM are at school during school hours. The school aged children of the WOHM who works school hours are at school during school hours.

While the sahp is out of the house, the sahp is working in the house meaning when the kid is off school the sahp can give them full attention whereas the sahp needs to play catch up with the house job.

It's plain to see.

rainbowballs · 05/04/2021 19:50

[quote HalfShrunkMoreToGo]@rainbowballs you do know that working parents have to do all the parenting things that SAHPs do outside school hours too right?

We don't just finish work, go home and chill. We pick the kids up, make dinner, tidy the house, do schoolwork, baths, bedtime and everything else that comes with being a parent. [/quote]
Where have I said they don't?

rainbowballs · 05/04/2021 19:51

While the WOHM is out of the house, the sahp is working in the house meaning when the kid is off school the sahp can give them full attention whereas the WOHM needs to play catch up with the house jobS.

It's plain to see.

folloyourarro · 05/04/2021 19:55

@rainbowballs what house jobs?

rainbowballs · 05/04/2021 19:57

[quote folloyourarro]@rainbowballs what house jobs?[/quote]
Washing, cooking, cleaning?

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 05/04/2021 19:58

@rainbowballs it was this line you write that I was referring to:

"Probably nowt but how many SAHP only work school hours?"

And regarding your later comment about WOHPs playing catch up and not being able to focus completely on their child when they get home from school, I can't speak for everyone but I do all my catch up after DD is in bed, except for the bits she can help with like tidying and hoovering because I think she needs to learn how to do those and participating helps her to learn.

It means that me and her dad have to do the more intensive housework and DIY and all the 'life admin' either when DDs in bed or on our lunch breaks which means less downtime for us but it doesn't impact in the time we have with DD while she's awake and not at school.

folloyourarro · 05/04/2021 20:00

I outsource cleaning, DH does laundry, I am usually with the kids whilst cooking, on weekends they often cook with me, weekdays they're usually doing their homework in the kitchen under my perfectly-capable-multi-tasking supervision.

rainbowballs · 05/04/2021 20:01

@folloyourarro

I outsource cleaning, DH does laundry, I am usually with the kids whilst cooking, on weekends they often cook with me, weekdays they're usually doing their homework in the kitchen under my perfectly-capable-multi-tasking supervision.
I do all the cleaning here. But apparently I'm lazy Grin
JeanClaudeVanDammit · 05/04/2021 20:05

I can't speak for everyone but I do all my catch up after DD is in bed, except for the bits she can help with like tidying and hoovering because I think she needs to learn how to do those and participating helps her to learn.

That sounds pretty normal to me. I don’t know any working parents who pick their children up and then ignore them to do the washing for 5 hours.

MiddleParking · 05/04/2021 20:07

No one is working full time then playing catch up with minimum 30 hours of housework a week to the detriment of paying attention to their kids. That’s another thing that people say because it makes them feel better but don’t really believe.

rainbowballs · 05/04/2021 20:11

Bottom line is, I'm happy, you lot are happy, so why do threads like this start.

I feel like I've made the right decision for my family. Others make their decisions for their families.

The end, isn't it?

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 05/04/2021 20:12

Anyone who is doing 30 hours housework needs help tbh, unless they live in Chatsworth House.

fizbosshoes · 05/04/2021 20:18

I have teen/tween kids. I dont work ft.
I often put the washing machine on when I get up in the morning and hang it out while kids are getting ready for school. In the holidays, if they are home and I am at work I pay them to do it!
I cook while they are at after school/evening activities, or in their rooms, same with cleaning.
The time they are most likely to chat to me about anything, is if we go for a drive, or a walk, or before bed. I often go for a walk with DD in the eve, or we watch a tv show together.

fizbosshoes · 05/04/2021 20:19

Anyone who is doing 30 hours housework needs help tbh, unless they live in Chatsworth House

I think I'd definitely want help with cleaning if I lived in Charsworth house! Wink

teateaandcoffee · 05/04/2021 20:20

After baby number one I hadn’t got a job to go back to and we could afford for me to take my time job hunting (for a few months at least). I definitely felt judged, and had one Mum make a comment to me about what I had against nurseries. Like I had offended her by not immediately going back to work, and had never ever in a million years made a judgement about nurseries. I felt judged and it really affected my self esteem. I desperately wanted to go back to work but I ended up backing away from the group as a lot of comments started to be made about how it was damaging for a child to not be in nursery from a social point of view. I had never passed judgment on any of these people, my own Mum worked and I was looked after a lot so zero vibes off me being anti working mum. If I had my time again as a new mum who would initially be a sahp I would say avoid groups of working mums where you will potentially feel attacked for your choices. I can honestly say it was a nasty experience. I now work part time and hang out with stay at home mums on my days off / play dates as it just made me really paranoid that I was being judged for not working / not working enough. We rarely talk about job hunting / finances and it is so nice as I am a very private person when it comes to things like that. If I’d had known how divisive it all was I would have completely rethought who I befriended during pregnancy/ baby groups etc.

MrsAvocet · 05/04/2021 20:27

I don't know. I think I did a pretty good job of juggling work and home when my children were younger but I can't deny that I felt I was compromising on both at times. And I was definitely chronically sleep deprived for a good decade and had no "me" time whatsoever. I don't regret it as overall I think the pros outweighed the cons but there were still times when I was envious of the SAHMs I know.
If there was a universal right answer then surely everyone, or at least virtually everyone, would make the same decision? But people's circumstances vary. The nature of your job, what support you have, childcare availability where you live, your personality and health (and that of your child/ren and partner) all contribute to what is the best option for your family. I think I found the primary school years the most taxing of all actually. I found having younger children in nursery just round the corner from work was a picnic compared to trying to work around school hours and extra curricular activities.
Overall I do think I've made a decent job of things and made the right choice but that doesn't mean that I believe that there are no advantages to a family of having a SAHP.

SpongebobNoPants · 05/04/2021 20:27

It depends... I judge SAHM’s who live solely on the income of their partner and/or benefits.
Also those with kids who are all of school age, I’d find it hard to respect them to be honest.
Sounds harsh but I would probably think they’re lazy or not very bright.

Bellabelloo · 05/04/2021 20:31

What about equal rights and equality? My husband and I both work but both spend as much time with our DS as possible and I feel we are setting a good example, but I would feel it was even more important if I had DDs. My grandmother and mother worked and were amazing role models.

sticktomygun · 05/04/2021 20:33

I think the respect I have is directly proportional to how shitty their kids are, like you spent all this time with them and they still have no manners?

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