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Original poster

If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

736 replies

ItalianRed · 03/04/2021 14:34

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Hmm Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

OP posts:
apurplecar · 05/04/2021 07:38

@Macaroni46

But what do you do all day OP?
Bingo!
apurplecar · 05/04/2021 07:40

@FourTeaFallOut

Politics, culture, philosophy, relationships, events, family, learning... honestly, this idea that people run out of things to talk about when it's not crowbarred into the world of paid work, lacks a serious amount of imagination.
Very very well said
Blerg · 05/04/2021 07:52

I am not cut out to be a SAHM - I like working. In the early days of having a baby I felt judged but SAHMs but gradually it’s been more people looking at how they can get back to work too.

One friend who doesn’t work and has a cleaner frustrates me a bit because she goes on about how she can’t do x, y, z because she has no time. She has one school aged child so I do wonder how she thinks other people manage.

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Families
fizbosshoes · 05/04/2021 08:06

I cant understand people who say they wouldnt have anything to talk about with a SAHM, or they would have nothing in common....as if all SAHMs are the same.
I belong to sports club where there are lots of (very wealthy) SAHMs. Our lifestyles are very different, but I get on well with them. The only reason I wouldnt socialise with them outside that situation would be that I probably wouldnt be able to afford it!
Another SAHM I have been very close with, and socialised a lot together when our DC were young and I was also at home. I went back to work (part time, and increased my hours as DC got older) and she didnt, but we met for the first time in years a few weeks ago, and got on great just the same as we always have. We're still the same people. The reasons I love her as a friend are not dependent on how she spends her day.
The people I generally dont get on well with are people that have an air of superiority about them- and I've found that in both SAHMs and Working parents!

stealthbanana · 05/04/2021 08:06

I live in an affluent area with a mix of wohms (me) and sahms who have considerable family money. My best mum friend is a sahm but I find I do skew towards the wohms mostly. A lot of the sahms seem to be a bit...superficial, it’s all organising holidays and curated kids parties etc. It doesn’t have to be that way (as with my sahm friend, we talk about everything!) but it often seems to be the case.

I do find it hard, though, to not judge the dynamic behind a lot of the sahm relationships. There’s always a high earning man who doesn’t seem to really participate much in family life (often quite literally, with families spending all their hols in a second home elsewhere with the husband showing up for a couple of weekends maybe) and I just can’t get my head around someone effectively funding me to live life like that. It also seems quite lonely & I don’t understand how a marriage like that works at all, really. Plus I’m now starting to see divorces happen and there is quite a spectacular difference between the wohms and sahms when that happens, with the latter much more heavily impacted.

So I suppose I do judge school age sahms a little bit, I do think work (I include volunteering/study in this) broadens your horizons a bit in a generally positive way. And I personally would never take the risk of financial dependence (although I don’t judge for that, it’s more a curiosity as can’t imagine getting comfortable with it myself).

apurplecar · 05/04/2021 08:13

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Jobsharenightmare · 05/04/2021 08:14

I also do judge if a SAHM doesn’t have anything else going on in their life.

I agree to an extent. Some SAHM can become very boring if they are at home when the children are older in school if not working nor involved in any projects or community initiatives. It's more a case of having nothing to talk about or little in common.

apurplecar · 05/04/2021 08:15

@Jobsharenightmare

I also do judge if a SAHM doesn’t have anything else going on in their life.

I agree to an extent. Some SAHM can become very boring if they are at home when the children are older in school if not working nor involved in any projects or community initiatives. It's more a case of having nothing to talk about or little in common.

Enlighten us, what makes you so very interesting?

Honestly, most people that think they're interesting usually aren't.

I'm so sick of SAHMs being judged for 'not having anything interesting to do' as if working a 9-5 as a PA is somehow better.

ArtichokeAardvark · 05/04/2021 08:19

I envy SAHMs. I'd love to be one, but we can't afford to live off just DH's salary. I feel more judged by the 'proper' mothers who give me a long look and ask 'so your children go to nursery 5 days a week? Gosh...'

apurplecar · 05/04/2021 08:20

@RaininSummer

My work has never been my identity and I have been both a SAHM and a full tine worker at various times so definitely don't judge. I think I would be judging those who do judge. A SAHM who literally does nothing with her time other than watch TV and do housework between school runs wouldnt be my kind of person though.
Why would someone watching some TV during the day make them 'not your kind of person'? That's utterly ridiculous
ArtichokeAardvark · 05/04/2021 08:22

'as if working a 9-5 as a PA is somehow better.'

Wow, I hadn't even read the post above mine, but there we go. It's 9-6 actually, but otherwise nail on the head.

apurplecar · 05/04/2021 08:23

@ArtichokeAardvark

'as if working a 9-5 as a PA is somehow better.'

Wow, I hadn't even read the post above mine, but there we go. It's 9-6 actually, but otherwise nail on the head.

I gave up my senior PA role to be a SAHM so I know both sides.

I couldn't care less what people do. But the judgey arseholes on this thread make it clear why we're all worried about being judged all the time.

stairway · 05/04/2021 08:25

I have lots of stay at home mum friends. Certainly don’t judge but feel jealous sometimes. I also wonder how they afford it. I suppose the husband earns a lot.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 05/04/2021 08:26

I'm so sick of SAHMs being judged for 'not having anything interesting to do' as if working a 9-5 as a PA is somehow better.

Sneery much?
So not only do we have to not judge SAHMs, we also have to be queuing up, desperate to be their friends too. Got it.

washthem · 05/04/2021 08:29

@JeanClaudeVanDammit

I'm so sick of SAHMs being judged for 'not having anything interesting to do' as if working a 9-5 as a PA is somehow better.

Sneery much?
So not only do we have to not judge SAHMs, we also have to be queuing up, desperate to be their friends too. Got it.

Where did I say that?

I'm merely pointing out that being a SAHM or WOHP have upsides and downsides.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/04/2021 08:29

@ArtichokeAardvark

I envy SAHMs. I'd love to be one, but we can't afford to live off just DH's salary. I feel more judged by the 'proper' mothers who give me a long look and ask 'so your children go to nursery 5 days a week? Gosh...'
You see I’d take that the opposite way. Being out of work doesn’t mean you are a “proper” parent . So many parents work and I don’t think any of them aren’t proper parents for doing so.

As for the nursery comment I would have replied along the lines of yes they are being educated in the early years whilst I earn to provide for them and show them a work ethic. Wouldn’t want them to think only men worked would we?

washthem · 05/04/2021 08:30

As for the nursery comment I would have replied along the lines of yes they are being educated in the early years whilst I earn to provide for them and show them a work ethic. Wouldn’t want them to think only men worked would we?

Sorry, but what 12 month old needs an 'education'?

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 05/04/2021 08:32

I'm merely pointing out that being a SAHM or WOHP have upsides and downsides.

I’m not saying they don’t? But plenty of people are being berated for saying they find they don’t have a lot in common with SAHMs. That’s not me judging anybody, that’s just what experience has shown me. Perhaps I’ve met a particularly vacuous group of SAHMs, or those with older children (our DC are young) are different. Fairly sure those I’ve met don’t want to be friends with me either and I don’t take that as a personal slight.

washthem · 05/04/2021 08:34

I think we should all be a bit more honest. I'll go first:

I'm a SAHM. My husband earns very well and is just about to earn more.
I have given up my job in Mayfair and I do miss many aspects of working. I don't miss the drudgery though, and the having a boss etc. I do worry about being dependant on my husband and worry about what would happen in the event of a divorce etc.
I plan on maybe working or doing something interesting when my child goes to school.
But essentially I feel like I've made the right decision and feel proud that my life is dedicated to my child at the moment. But I don't expect anyone else to agree.

Jobsharenightmare · 05/04/2021 08:37

It might annoy you purplecar but we don't have to want to be friends with someone who has no interests at all and sits about watching TV all day. It isn't about work as I said, it's about whether the person has anything they are involved in to talk about such as hobbies or interests or community projects. Enjoying Loose Women on repeat shows we aren't on the same wavelength and I think that's OK. You can be their friend instead of me Wink

washthem · 05/04/2021 08:37

@JeanClaudeVanDammit

I'm merely pointing out that being a SAHM or WOHP have upsides and downsides.

I’m not saying they don’t? But plenty of people are being berated for saying they find they don’t have a lot in common with SAHMs. That’s not me judging anybody, that’s just what experience has shown me. Perhaps I’ve met a particularly vacuous group of SAHMs, or those with older children (our DC are young) are different. Fairly sure those I’ve met don’t want to be friends with me either and I don’t take that as a personal slight.

That's fine if it's your personal experience.

I've taken most issue with a couple of posters saying things like 'I don't imagine we'd have anything in common' basically writing off SAHMs before even trying.

Or the poster saying that someone watching daytime TV wouldn't make them friend material. It's so stupid.

washthem · 05/04/2021 08:39

@Jobsharenightmare

It might annoy you purplecar but we don't have to want to be friends with someone who has no interests at all and sits about watching TV all day. It isn't about work as I said, it's about whether the person has anything they are involved in to talk about such as hobbies or interests or community projects. Enjoying Loose Women on repeat shows we aren't on the same wavelength and I think that's OK. You can be their friend instead of me Wink
Look at this car crash.

Are you talking about anyone in particular or just imagining what people are watching?

If they watch Netflix is that better, or worse? What's your cut off? 20 mins loose women, then some Attenborough to balance?

washthem · 05/04/2021 08:40

@Jobsharenightmare are your opinions coming from a place of jealousy? Just wondering if there's any relevance to your username Wink

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 05/04/2021 08:41

Or the poster saying that someone watching daytime TV wouldn't make them friend material. It's so stupid.

Well if they watch daytime TV and then that’s what they want to talk about I wouldn’t consider them friend material. It’s not the watching it, it’s that it seems to play an important enough part in their life to be worthy of conversation.

washthem · 05/04/2021 08:43

@JeanClaudeVanDammit

Or the poster saying that someone watching daytime TV wouldn't make them friend material. It's so stupid.

Well if they watch daytime TV and then that’s what they want to talk about I wouldn’t consider them friend material. It’s not the watching it, it’s that it seems to play an important enough part in their life to be worthy of conversation.

The poster didn't specify that they'd be talking about it.

Just admit that people (you) think SAHMs are lazy and most people are jealous.

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