If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[ItalianRed]

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

I feel it depends on the age of the children. Pre-school - fine. School age - I have to admit, I wonder why people are sacrificing some of their best years not living life to the full as the world of work holds so many opportunities you just don't get as a SAHM. I'm not trying to antagonise anyone but I don't understand how people can feel this is lucky. There's more to work than earning. Though equally I would hate not to earn. You are a separate person from your partner and long term I would imagine it would be healthier to have some financial independence.

I wonder if other mums are jealous but haven’t realised their own emotions?

Nope. Maternity leave was enough to make it quite apparent that I am most definitely not a SAHM type.

I’m envious of people who can be a SAHP or even part time. It’s not been possible for me. But I do judge when my brother complains about money but his wife has chosen to be a SAHM (and yes did earn enough to pay for childcare and still have money left over!). I’m afraid I have zero sympathy when he acts like it’s completely unfair that I can afford something when they can’t. If I wasn’t working in a job that refused to let me be part time then I too wouldn’t be able to afford it! If SIL wasn’t a SAHM then dear brother you too could afford it!!

I’m a part time worker so I get it from both angles! Colleagues are resentful I’m not there every day, school mums don’t understand when I’m not constantly available. Fuck it though. I am busy, I’m a parent and a carer. I had much more free time when I worked full time!

I wonder if other mums are jealous but haven’t realised their own emotions?

The jealous thing really annoys me because I find it very sexist. You very rarely hear that other fathers must be jealous of Dave because he's a SAHP.
I'm sure some people are jealous but equally some women have no interest in not working because they like their work, colleagues etc. I would work even if I won the lotto.

I"d hate to be a SAHP and would be miserable, but I can see that it suits some people. I judge lazy people, not really on their work or otherwise status. Being a SAHP can be very hard work, as I know from 4 years of maternity leaves. Equally I do judge the women with a day nanny and a night nanny when they don't work as being lazy arses but they're obviously the exception not the rule. I also know some people with jobs who are bone idle.

I don’t judge l think each to their own . I would say l feel judged for working full time though. I have heard me being talked about at class parties, “oh look, she mustn’t have to work today” is one comment “that poor child never get’s to socialise outside school because his mum works full time “ was another. These are comments by the mums l don’t speak to so don’t really care about anyway and they can think what they like.

Just recently l was l went to my good friends funeral and the following was said “friend did not go to work instead she chose to stay at home with her children, children’s names were her priority “. l have thought of this sentence everyday since, we are both mid 40’s, l have 2 children my friend has 9 (now if l had 9 children l don’t think l could cope, never mind work) but l would hate anyone to say work was her priority because no matter what my children are my first and foremost priority. I loved my friend with all my heart and miss her everyday and feel for all her children, so how though l think this must be a lot down to me feeling “mum guilt” as well.

I'm a SAHM. My children are 5 (just in school) and 2.

I truly do not judge working mums. I think how the fuck do they juggle both? Because despite what some people think being a sahm is hard work (it's not complex in the way working in a job is, but it's challenging in a different way) and to be a mum and work too must be really difficult.

No parents have it easy, let's be honest. We're all doing our best. Whatever works for you and your family is the right call.

I do often feel judged and find myself justifying what I do, or explaining that I used to have a decent career when I really don't need to because I have found that lots of people seem to assume that if you choose to be a sahm you couldn't possibly have had a good career, or that you must be a bit thick, or lazy. I'm not thick, or lazy (lazy, ha I wish!) and actually I was really good at what I did. I didn't enjoy it though and I wanted to be at home with my children. I'm fortunate that DH earns enough for all of us so I chose to do what I wanted.

I usually find the people that are snotty with me about it are not in a position themselves to not work. The women who choose to work because they love what they do, or feel fulfilled by working etc don't seem to give a toss, like me.

I wonder if other mums are jealous but haven’t realised their own emotions?

I’m sure some are, but definitely not all.

I did have a stint of being at home when the children were young, and did not enjoy it.

I know some others think PT is the worst of both worlds, but for me, it’s absolutely the best. I have a good public sector job that I now most do from home, thanks to COVID. I’m also home for my kids in the afternoons and evenings and able to ferry them to their activities.

I don’t find the idea of not working appealing. Plus I strongly suspect that the lion’s share of the really mundane housework / wifework falls to the SAHP. Logically, it does, and it certainly did when I was one. If your kids are at school, of course it falls to you. Why would anyone be jealous of that?

We are very comfortable, but that’s helped because of my salary. If we won the lottery, yes, I’d probably pay someone to do the shit work, and I’d spend my time doing interesting hobbies. But let’s face it, that isn’t the reality for most SAHPs.

I’m not jealous of a SAHM. Why would I be? I work full time from home in a professional role and can command 6 figure salaries. I can send DS to nursery 3 days a week and between DH and I we can manage the rest of the week with him at home. This means we can have a decent house, decent savings pot, I don’t have to worry about savings or income if we split up,

OP it must be a dream to have everyday like a bank holiday especially when someone else is paying for it !

I’ve felt so much more judged for being WOHM that I can’t contemplate a stay at home parent feeling judged. I’ve always felt very much on the side of being judged (to fuck).

I would say l feel judged for working full time though. I have heard me being talked about at class parties, “oh look, she mustn’t have to work today” is one comment “that poor child never get’s to socialise outside school because his mum works full time “ was another. These are comments by the mums l don’t speak to so don’t really care about anyway and they can think what they like.

This really happens? I've been a parent for 10 years now, working for most of that, and the ONLY time I've come across judgement is online, in real life I find people don't actually comment on such things.

I’ve always been a working mum and I’m generally jealous of SAHMs! The only time they irk me is when they complain that their husband doesn’t come home from work and also then do all the housework and childcare for the evening.

I have never been a SAHM apart from when I was on mat leave 12 months each time. I could judge SAHM or mums who work ft but what for? We all try to do our best and our circumstances are different. I have the luxury to work pt so it's an in between house.

What truly, really sucks is this: that when women become mothers they become vulnerable in way they should not have to be. mothers need more protection and support in our society, whether they work or not. We are being pitched against each other.

I feel we all should learn at a much younger age that people are different with different talents, temperaments and strength and weaknesses. Rather than judging the hell out of each other we should try and rub along more nicely, support each other and play to each others strengths. Instead.............

It depends. My sister-in-law worked for the nhs and they offered her really flexibly hours and short weeks - even 1 day a week, but she'd prefer to live on benefits and complain the whole time about not having any money. So yes, I do believe she should be working.

But I have plenty of friends who gave up amazing careers and have an amazing quality of life.

I'm constantly exhausted juggling work and a toddler, but I love my job and feel I get the work/life balance pretty well and love the time I have with my son.

I know that I would be bored senseless if I didn't work but I also couldn't be in an office environment 5 days a week. The happiest SAHM I know are those who genuinely love homemaking. They love being, baking, gardening doing a crafts based business from home where they hand make things and sell them like cake making or similar. They have time to have school mums over for coffee several times a week and have a great bond with other SAHMs. While I love 'homemaking' sometimes, it does not fulfil me as I don't get much gratification from it. I dod get much more of a buzz being part of a big team, being busy in a professional context and being in a professional environment. Other would be miserable doing this. I wish we could help mothers make genuine choices but at the moment, your damned if you SAH and damned if you work.

@RaspberryCoulis

I wouldn't judge when the children are small, but I wonder why you would not want career and financial independence and what you would do all day if you've got older teens/DC that don't need you.

Come on. Let's use a bit of imagination here. You REALLY think that a career is the only way to be fulfilled? That's quite sad really. If you equate career with fulfillment, then what happens when you retire? You just sit around waiting to die?

Someone with older children or teens might decide to do a degree, a masters or a PhD for fulfillment, not to improve career prospects. They might volunteer doing something which interests them. They might take an allotment and spend hours talking to their carrots. They might learn to paint, research their family tree, knitting hats or learning to throw pots on a wheel. Any of those things could be the thing which makes their heart sing and fulfil them.

The poster never said otherwise. You can still do these things while working and having financial security.

I'm a SAHM.............I have been since my youngest was born 13 years ago. He has autism and severe learning difficulties, working is not a viable option as there are no childcare options for after school or school holidays.
Sometimes I feel judged........... but I don't let it keep me up at night (ds can do that). I worked full time for 22 years and I do volunteer when I can, I'm a school governor and help out at a local church cafe when I can.

I think people need to be careful when judging either lifestyle, as there could be reasons for it that they are not aware of. For example, a parent may decide not to work due to their DC having a hidden disability, which may stop them from accepting a different carer.
Or a working parent may not be able to work flexible hours due to their employer not allowing it.

@Puffthemagicdragongoestobed but why does there need to be a justification, why isn't "because I want to" a good enough justification (for either situation) it's certainly ok for men!

I've been judged both ways.
When I had my second child I didn't know any other Mums with babies really as I'd moved here for work and all my friends were people I'd met there. So I went along to the local NCT breastfeeding support group. I didn't need any support as such ( good job as it turns out ) but I did want to make friends. At first everything went swimmingly and they all seemed nice enough - until I mentioned going back to work. The woman I was talking to literally turned her back on me and someone else said "Oh. Your poor baby." I spent the rest of the session being ignored, even by the group leader. I never went back.
On the other hand, since I stopped working due to ill health a few people that I thought were my friends have made pretty unkind comments and others have dropped me completely. Seems I'm not interesting enough for their social circle now I don't have a well paid job anymore. Fortunately I have some real friends too!

Being a SAHM with young children is a necessity for many families. I worked pt when mine were very young.

Mine are now mostly in high school (one still in primary but moving on in a couple of years). I'm back to work FT.

I will admit that I think it's a bit odd to be a SAHM when the children are older. I'm going to be flamed here but I would call it unemployed. Realistically, you can work but have chosen not to. That's OK though - lots of people would love this, that's why we all dream about lottery wins and early retirement. Neurologically typical teenage children who get themselves up, off to school and back on their own do not need a SAHM.

I couldn't give a fuck if other mums work or not as long as they are good people with a sense of humour then I'll get on with them. I'm not going to justify all the reasons why I'm a SAHM ultimately its a lifestyle choice, it allows my dh to say yes to every meeting and work trip knowing the children are always looked after.
Also when I was 21 I was a trainee accountant and I can't tell you how fucking boring that was, my days are way more stimulating now!

@ItMustBeBedtimeSurely

Honestly, I don’t think I’d have much in common with them. My career is important to me and a large part of who I am, separate from my husband and children.

Apart from being fellow humans, fellow mums, fellow wives? But no, nothing in common... ffs