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Original poster

If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

736 replies

ItalianRed · 03/04/2021 14:34

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Hmm Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 04/04/2021 09:47

Even though i work and so do some of my friends we don't discuss work much anyway , some do jobs such as social worker etc so its not appropriate to discuss so I don't get why people factor that in to not being friends with SAHM rather than people who work
Really people should just mind their own business and not judge others wether they choose to stay home or work
As long as the 2 people in the relationship are happy with it.
I was a sahm when my kids were little and I loved it and would do it all again , money was tight but they were years I enjoyed and we are not money oriented anyway.
Also I think some people are quite entitled as lots of people who are sahp often have a poorly paid job so financially its not a big hit to give up , not everyone has high flying careers , not everyone wants one either.
People I would choose not go be friends with though are judgemental people , people need to concentrate and worry about their own lives and less about what others do , if it has no impact on you then whats the issue .

justanotherneighinparadise · 04/04/2021 09:50

[quote Macaroni46]@dulapeep it's not hard to understand .. in your situation where you're looking after young children.
The question is in regard to the OP who has a teenager and still claims to be a SAHM. This is what people are questioning. What is her justification for basically living off her DH and not working. [/quote]
Does she need a justification though? If the household is set up so that the bills are paid and there is provision in place for that pensions or some financial payment in old age then why does it matter if the OP doesn’t work?

MajorNeville · 04/04/2021 10:07

I work, I've had a couple of comments from SAHM's but just sort of laughed in their faces.

My MIL once said to my mum that she was surprised I'd gone back to work and that she couldn't have left hers, my mum quick as a flash said "if your son earned more she wouldn't have to", shut her right up! Go mum!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 04/04/2021 11:38

@MajorNeville

I work, I've had a couple of comments from SAHM's but just sort of laughed in their faces.

My MIL once said to my mum that she was surprised I'd gone back to work and that she couldn't have left hers, my mum quick as a flash said "if your son earned more she wouldn't have to", shut her right up! Go mum!

😱😱😱😱 Shots. Fired. !!!! 😂😂😂
PerpendicularVincent · 04/04/2021 12:30

I don't judge, but I do think that SAHPs who are unmarried with no pension or recent work experience are leaving themselves incredibly financially vulnerable.

JackieTheFart · 04/04/2021 13:36

@broadstrokes

Isn’t judgement like an involuntary response to something you see or hear?

Not if you are relatively well educated and over the age of six. Most reasonable adults have the wisdom to hold back on making snap decisions about others until they understand facts such as not all able bodied sahms of sound mind are scrubbing lavs in exchange for financial security. Fancy that! Some are financially independent from working before having dc, from investments, or from inheritance. And some are doing far more than lav scrubbing as detailed previously. That's the problem with only mixing with "birds of a feather" you tend to acquiire a very one sided view of things.

And Jackiethefart sorry but from what you have written you don't seem to respect your dh very much. I know plenty of sahps who not only drive, they do every school drop off and pick up and every extra curricular run, every hospital appt, every expedition and family visit, and most holidays by themselves because their partners are away working most of the year driving, serving, or on secondment or travelling for business purposes.

So in your opinion, it’s bad to judge people, but then you go on to judge what I have said that I apparently don’t respect my own husband?! What has what other people do got to do with my singular comment about me picking the kids up because I drive and he doesn’t? We share the load equally, my comment was simply saying that he has more free time than me. Because he does. Which he wouldn’t dispute.

I accept all of what you’ve said (about SAHM) which is why I also said Obviously conversation can take place which reverses your initial feeling. But first impressions are generally made in the first 30 seconds of conversation, I think what you’ll find from everyone on this thread is that when you don’t know someone, it’s easy to get an impression of them that may not be accurate. Friends and people you know well, you don’t tend to feel the same. You don’t judge someone when you know their situation.

Hope I’m articulate enough for someone with the intellect of a six year old.

EasterChick98 · 04/04/2021 14:46

The only SAHM I have judged was someone I knew through NCT who kept banging on about attachment and the importance of the primary caregiver. I judged her for being judgemental Grin

When her child started the free 15 hours at nursery she kept saying how glad she was she had waited until age 3 because it meant her child was so confident and secure and happy. My child started nursery at 10 months and was also confident and secure and happy, but whatever.

To be honest though her comments were so rude and tone deaf that I mostly just pitied her for being so socially awkward. She said she'd fallen out with her first NCT group and I could see why.

EasterChick98 · 04/04/2021 14:51

If someone with older kids doesn't work I probably do assume that there is something going on in the background which I don't know about. Health issues etc. I don't judge them for it but it is an automatic assumption because it's been the case for all the SAHPs to older children I've known (if I've known them well enough to know the reason.)

Bul21ia · 04/04/2021 14:53

Society doesn’t really value as much as we should SAHM.

For me personally I get it’s tiring 24/7 no breaks and you fit around the kids... working mums do similar all the rushing around and juggling organising childcare and so on.

I think for a working mum it brings a different type of pressure a pressure you can go at your own paste rather than having to be a work for 08.30am, leaving work to pick the kids up if one is poorly or sorting play schemes to cover school holidays.

Charles11 · 04/04/2021 14:59

I work part time and don’t judge anyone except how hard it must be to have both parents or single parents working full time.

broadstrokes · 04/04/2021 15:02

So in your opinion, it’s bad to judge people, but then you go on to judge what I have said that I apparently don’t respect my own husband?! What has what other people do got to do with my singular comment about me picking the kids up because I drive and he doesn’t? We share the load equally, my comment was simply saying that he has more free time than me. Because he does. Which he wouldn’t dispute.

I accept all of what you’ve said (about SAHM) which is why I also said Obviously conversation can take place which reverses your initial feeling. But first impressions are generally made in the first 30 seconds of conversation, I think what you’ll find from everyone on this thread is that when you don’t know someone, it’s easy to get an impression of them that may not be accurate. Friends and people you know well, you don’t tend to feel the same. You don’t judge someone when you know their situation.

Hope I’m articulate enough for someone with the intellect of a six year old.

Yes you are and I anticipated this exact response from you when I posted last night which is why I hesitated and read your post again very carefully before writing mine. My intention was not to cause offence - I apologise if I did - but I think it was a fairly reasonable assumption to make based on what you had written;

I work full time and DH is a SAHD which he has been for nearly 8 years. Children all at school. He likes to say he ‘has to be’ on hand in case school calls, but this is blatantly untrue as it’s normally me as the only driver who will pick up an ill child.

Based on my experience of him doing most of the house stuff and still having time to spend three or four hours watching tv and drinking coffee, I judge a little bit tbh. Just admit that as a SAHP, no you’re not rushed off your feet all the time.

Your post says that you judge all sahms based on the fact that your dh has three or four hours to watch tv and drink coffee. And when you put his assertion that "he has to be on hand" in quotes, it was safe to assume you meant that you were sceptical about this, because you said yourself that it was "blatantly untrue". So you accused your dh of lying and exaggerating the amount of free time he has available.

So I wasn't making a snap judgement. I made a judgement based on a description about an individual that you know well.

That is very, very different to attributing lots of careless stereotypical characteristics to a whole group of people ie sahms that you yourself said you don't know.

Happy Easter Flowers

broadstrokes · 04/04/2021 15:04

Sorry that response was intended for JackietheFart

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 04/04/2021 15:24

Society doesn’t really value as much as we should SAHM.

Im a working mum and I totally agree with this

Aria999 · 04/04/2021 15:42

I'm a sahm with young kids. I hope I can find some part time work when they're at school as otherwise I think I'll get bored pretty soon. It looks hard to get a flexible job though.

SnottyLottie · 04/04/2021 15:46

I think ‘oh that must be nice for them, wish in was in a position to do the same. Wonder what their finances are like and if she gets to treat herself every now and then”

sunflowertulip · 04/04/2021 15:55

I don't judge, I would be if I could be! I do think it's much, much easier being a SAHM though than a working one!

Most of the SAHMs I am friends with may not have a paid job but are involved with their children's school, volunteer to help with community groups and are great mums, friends and members of the community.

I worry about one who always goes on about her husband's money though, it's her money too!

pointythings · 04/04/2021 16:37

I don't judge, but it isn't for me and I've discouraged my DDs from taking that route. That's because two of my friends were SAHMs - in one case, her 'D'H made it impossible/forbade her to work. In both cases, their husbands fucked off with someone younger and child-free and screwed them over financially. So I'm a bit jaded. I've always worked, so when my husband dove into the bottle and became abusive, I was in a good position to live my life without him and bring up my DDs. The risks of not working are just too huge for me.

Italiandreams · 04/04/2021 16:54

Absolutely not, I’d love to be a SAHM , we just can’t afford it. The only people I judge are people who judge others with the inability to understand everyone’s situation is different and everyone is just doing the best they can in different circumstances.

Macaroni46 · 04/04/2021 17:06

Because @justanotherneighinparadise if she was male she'd be called a cock lodger

TownTalkJewels · 04/04/2021 17:49

I don’t think it’s lazy to be a SAHM, and I don’t really understand that criticism. & I certainly don’t judge if people have no choice other than to be SAHMs, due to financial situations.

But I do think it sets an strange example to young women. I say this as someone whose mother didn’t work by choice- in fact I didn’t know a single working mother when I was a child. I definitely grew up with a black and white perception of gender roles- men work and women don’t- which impacted how I felt about my own opportunities, abilities, and relationships.

I also think it disadvantages women in the workplace when employers have successive experiences of ‘losing’ women in their mid 30s. It send the message that they shouldn’t continue to mentor and invest in young women.

TeachesOfPeaches · 04/04/2021 17:55

I'm a single parent who works full time and I couldn't imagine what it must be like to wake up and not have to worry about bills, grocery shopping, cleaning, organising childcare, doing every drop off and pick up, raising a child and working 5 days per week.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/04/2021 18:03

@pointythings

I don't judge, but it isn't for me and I've discouraged my DDs from taking that route. That's because two of my friends were SAHMs - in one case, her 'D'H made it impossible/forbade her to work. In both cases, their husbands fucked off with someone younger and child-free and screwed them over financially. So I'm a bit jaded. I've always worked, so when my husband dove into the bottle and became abusive, I was in a good position to live my life without him and bring up my DDs. The risks of not working are just too huge for me.
We have done the same to both sexes, encouraged them to aim high and to ensure they have financial independence so that they will always have choices. I’ve also encouraged them to choose partners who share the same values and work ethic so that they have a partner who shares the load.

If financially independent and not relying on a partner or tax payers to fund the choice and therefore paying their way in life then that’s a little different. Don’t think I’d still want that in a partner though as opting out of work wouldn’t be appealing to me.

pointythings · 04/04/2021 18:17

I’ve also encouraged them to choose partners who share the same values and work ethic so that they have a partner who shares the load.

Yeah, I picked one of those too. Then life happened and he changed. There are definitely no guarantees - so always, always stand on your own two feet financially.

Formulation123 · 04/04/2021 18:26

If I could be a SAHM I would in a heart beat!! I’m not judging anyone just jealous but I have never said anything bad nor would I think too.

I wonder if other mums are jealous but haven’t realised their own emotions?

babybythesea · 04/04/2021 18:28

Nope. If being a SAHM works for them, then great.

The only time I have ever judged is when a SAHM of my acquaintance told me that she didn't let her kids do any of the after school activities that they wanted to do because she couldn't be bothered to take them to things - it would take up too much of her time.
I did judge. I'd have judged anyone on that - you don't have to let them do everything but something would be nice! I did particularly judge knowing that she was at home all day by herself, so had loads of time for herself. I felt sad for her kids that she couldn't then be arsed (her words) to spend an evening a week doing something they wanted to do.