If you're a SAHM, do you feel judged? And if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[ItalianRed]

Hi,

So I've been out of work for 15 years, apart from a couple of part time jobs here and there. I have a teenager and so have the time, but for several reasons, I'm not currently working. Financially, I don't need to, but there are other reasons too.

I often see on social media, the debate about SAHMs once dc are in school and if it's lazy or even anti feminist to not go back to work.

A couple of my friends recently dug themselves a hole on separate occasions when talking about a school mum friend who didn't work. One said "what does she actually do all day? Her husband even does the cooking some nights!" And the other said "She must be so bored and feel like she doesn't have a real identity". They were both quick to clumsily back track and say they're not referring to me because I'm obviously different Why? Because I'm their friend? I'm still a woman who chooses not to work and who, shock horror, doesn't cook ever single family meal! 😲

In the past when I've heard similar comments, I'd say don't worry about it, you've not offended me etc, even if they had because I didn't want them to feel awkward or embarrassed, but this last time I just smiled and said nothing. One of them even said that this particular mum is perfectly nice, but she needs to keep her at "arms length", for no other reason that I could see other than she didn't work.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. They're really judgey, bitchy comments to make. It seems as though if you do choose to be a SAHM, then unless you're constantly scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, volunteering and on various committees, then you're looked down on.

Be interesting to hear your perspectives....

Isn’t judgement like an involuntary response to something you see or hear?

Not if you are relatively well educated and over the age of six. Most reasonable adults have the wisdom to hold back on making snap decisions about others until they understand facts such as not all able bodied sahms of sound mind are scrubbing lavs in exchange for financial security. Fancy that! Some are financially independent from working before having dc, from investments, or from inheritance. And some are doing far more than lav scrubbing as detailed previously. That's the problem with only mixing with "birds of a feather" you tend to acquiire a very one sided view of things.

And Jackiethefart sorry but from what you have written you don't seem to respect your dh very much. I know plenty of sahps who not only drive, they do every school drop off and pick up and every extra curricular run, every hospital appt, every expedition and family visit, and most holidays by themselves because their partners are away working most of the year driving, serving, or on secondment or travelling for business purposes.

I dont judge at all. Each to their own and we all have different circumstances. I actually only know 1 person who is a full time SAHM though and she is miserable and wishes she had got back into work between kids. I dont know anyone else.

I don't judge - plenty of my friends are SAHM, but I do have to admit, I am jealous, as I am of friends who work part-time. I would love to just have some time in the house without the children around and not working, I'd love not to have to fit all the cleaning, laundry, admin, etc into evenings and weekends - but we can't afford for us both jot to work.
I'm exhausted tbh. I do all that sahm do, plus work 37 hours a week. We don't use childcare, cleaners, etc - I work when they are at school and then catch up the other two hours in the evenings.

So no, I don't judge - if I could do it, I definitely would.

I sometimes feel judged for being a working mum...there were alot of SAHMs in my DC's school. I don't judge them for wanting to SAH...up to them. What I don't quite like is the expressing woes from some SAHMs about DHs stressed with work, working so hard, bonus time but not guaranteed without long hours.. but no chance of them showing any sign of pitching in & going to work part,-time even to boost the family coffers, bearing in mind that for some there are no kids at home til maybe 3pm or later in the day. I've seen this at the schoolgate & time & time again in my job. I couldn't let my DH take the full financial responsibility where I am educated & qualified enough to bring in the bacon too.

No I don't judge - I'm very jealous! Would have loved to be a SAHM. Instead I'm a single mum working full time. Not what I ever imagined parenthood to be.

I was a SAHP but work more then full time now. I have respect for both. I wish I was part time to get the balance my family needs

I don't judge as such,but personally I can't understand why women give up work. I have worked hard to get the career I now have. I feel that I am setting a good example to my DC and my DH have a very equal relationship.But each to their own

As I stated previously, I think one needs to distinguish between a SAHP of young children ie pre-school and someone who chooses not to work for spurious reasons once children are older / teens etc. The latter I utterly cannot relate to and yes, I do judge because let's face it, what is your role? You're basically staying at home to do not a lot at someone else's expense. Pursuing a hobby whilst my partner is working all day feels wrong to me and I also have too much pride to be that dependent financially on someone else.
As a pp said: just admit it, you're not busy and it's an easy life!
I am not ashamed of judging either. Plenty of people judged me when I was a ft WOHM parent when my kids were young.

I’m a SAHM. I don’t feel particularly judged but the opinion of those who would judge me for being a SAHM doesn’t matter to me anyway.
I’m a single mother anyway. I might try and work when my son is in school but that’s a couple of years off.

Lots of assumptions here
some SAHP might be lazy or not to anything worthwhile* all day , most wont be.

*this is subjective anyway.

some working parents might only see their kids for 1 hour per day , most wont (but dads are not judged anywhere near as harshly)

some SAHM will be living off their partners earnings, others will be independently financed.

some working parents might be working to buy luxuries, some to pay bills, some because they enjoy working

some SAHM might be boring to talk to, plenty aren't
some working parents might be boring to talk to, plenty arent.

@user1487194234

I don't judge as such,but personally I can't understand why women give up work. I have worked hard to get the career I now have. I feel that I am setting a good example to my DC and my DH have a very equal relationship.But each to their own

I had two children close together, didn't like my job, and enjoy not having to stressfully juggle things while they are small whilst bringing home a minimal amount after childcare costs. I don't think it can be THAT hard to understand.

And honestly all these people claiming sham are boring..if all you have to talk about is paid work then you must be pretty boring too.

I either think that "There goes a woman of significant independent means / who may be vulnerable to abuse / who is supremely confident in the goodness of her partner / in potential financial peril / with a physical or mental health condition which makes her unable or reluctant to enter the workplace / who is hopefully married." Context confirms which.
I would have given a great deal to be a SAHM when DC were pre-school, but once in fulltime education, I miss the point.

I don’t judge, I couldn’t be a SAHM for entirely selfish reasons. That said, where I live there are quite a few SAHMs who have degrees and good careers before having children, who now don’t work basically in order to facilitate their husband’s career. I find it difficult not to project what my own feelings would be in that situation, but I accept it could be a free choice and have been agreed that it’s the best for everyone. But if it isn’t, it’s not the woman I’m judging.

I'm a working mum and really couldn't care less if other parents work or stay at home. It's nothing to do with me.

My job doesn't define me and I wouldn't judge others on their career - whether it is a stay at home parent or in employment.

When children are young I think nothing when kids are academy age and mum doesn't work I do wonder why.? I'm not sure why anyone wouldn't want to work.

I loved being able to be a sahm when mine were babies and toddlers but it did mean a huge career sacrifice and has meant I am financially dependent on my husband forever more now so I don't judge sahms but I think it can be a bigger sacrifice long term than you realise in the baby stage when it's hard to see beyond the baby bubble. It's very head vs heart - I hated being back at work when I went back for 18 months in between dd1 and dd2 so when I had the chance to give up work after dd2 was born I was so glad but a few years in it did get a bit relentless and I was bored.
Also there's a great phase if you're lucky enough to meet other sahms when you become almost a 9-5 commune of mums and babies but eventually most go back to work and I know very few sahms of school ages kids and I don't know how they cope with the isolation day in day out.

I have been both. Oxbridge educated, WOH full time in a high paid city job taking maternity leave and going back after each baby (have four, two years apart) until I was pregnant with the last one when I resigned. My career was taking all the hits (a separate conversation) and with no family nearby we had two parents working full time and the children being looked after by a nanny until I raced home to relieve her. We are very well off but children did not have a parent at home for a lot of the time. I know plenty of families have this situation but it felt like it was a choice for us.

Felt judged by mothers because I was working ft. A lot of ‘poor you’ comments.

Have been at home for a few years now. It has been tough as a massive change for me going from a corporate environment to ft at home for small children! We still have paid help. This is quite a common arrangement where we live, though sometimes I feel judged but tbh I think this might be partly my own insecurity. I work HARD with four small children particularly over the last year. My husband does not really do anything outside of his job (one of the reasons why we also have paid help).

Now smallest is at nursery some days I am starting to want to do something with the time I have - maybe start a small business. I want a challenge. I want to be passionate about something. Also I have earned my own money since age 14 and it doesn’t sit well with me not to.

It does make you feel a bit vulnerable - and we are very well off - and I do feel I have lost a bit of myself as my identity was wrapped up a lot in my job.

I also want my children to see me ‘work’ as they don’t have much of a memory of my 20 hour days in the office now!

Really interesting thread.
It’s so down to the individuals though isn’t it.
My youngest sons class has a handful of SAHM (I’m guessing because they are coming to the end of primary?) and at times their mental health has seemed poorer - although maybe that’s more to do with them being more open and honest.

It's a really mixed bag, isn't it, as everyone's life and circumstances are different, as are individual's propensity to judge others.

I have a very mixed group of friends, all highly educated - some were SAHM before a new career, or after, or went freelance and p/t when the children were old enough. I had a demanding career & children relatively late, and eventually moved to being a SAHM. Everyone has different circumstances and life choices. I think we value each other for who we are rather than a job or not currently.
I can say that I do feel I have lost an interesting facet of myself, and a bit if my self-identity through leaving my career, but also the restrictions it placed on me.

I find in life people generally don’t give this stuff as much thought as you think they do. A throwaway comment does not really mean that person has a strong opinion. It’s just a mean comment to make about someone they’re not keen on ‘what do they dooo all day?!!!!’

I don't think I'd stop being friends with someone that was a SAHM but equally I would think to myself "what do you actually do all day?"

I just wouldn't have anything in common with a SAHM I suppose. I enjoy what I'm studying and I really look forward to the job it'll lead me to doing. I like being around ambitious people and it gives us something else to talk about. I get so unbelievably bored talking about kids.

@StormcloakNord I wouldn’t necessarily assume that SAHP want to talk about kids the whole time or only have that available in their repertoire as a topic of conversation - I certainly don’t!

@dulapeep it's not hard to understand .. in your situation where you're looking after young children.
The question is in regard to the OP who has a teenager and still claims to be a SAHM. This is what people are questioning. What is her justification for basically living off her DH and not working.

I think once the children are grown it’s more do you judge someone who doesn’t work. To which the answer for me is no I don’t. My husband never really worked before we had DS and I doubt he will much after DS grows up. I’m fine with it.

I work. I don't judge SAHMs. I do wonder if it is boring once kids are in school.