Neighbour unhappy DD gave his DS a snack

[Eastie77]

I am really annoyed but know I may be over-reacting so need to be talked down.

DD was playing out with our neighbours DS, he is about 10. At one point she ran into the kitchen and quickly out again. It turns out she took a bag of crisps and shared them with him and other kids. She knows she is not allowed to do this but it all happened v quickly. Neighbour later sent me a message "just a quick one Eastie, DS is not allowed snacks between meals" and went on to say he hadn't eaten his lunch because of the crisps. I explained I understood although I hadn't given them to his DS. He responded by saying that's fine but can I keep an eye on things in future to ensure his DS doesn't eat anything when the DC are playing together.

I have always told DD not to give out any snacks to friends unless I have permission from their parents but neighbour's reply is really annoying me. It has a lecturing tone to it that doesn't sit well with me and I want to send back a smart response but not sure what to write...

Obviously I would check for allergies, but unless the parent has specifically told me not to give their child any food, I would offer visiting children snacks and drinks just like to my own children. And I would expect a 10year old to tell me if their parents does not allow it.

@Twatterati

I'd be more worried about what went on at home when he didn't eat his lunch... how did dad even know he'd had a few crisps between meals? And it would literally have been a few even if shared between just two friends.

I mean, did dad go so OTT about uneaten lunch that the poor kid 'fessed up to a few crisps?

Unless he's clinically obese and/or diabetic, or other health/well-being issues I'd say dad is OTT, and it's up to his son to say no. He sounds like an arse IMO. Great way to create issues around food.

I had the same thoughts. Poor kid.

I can’t imagine being on either side of this ridiculous situation tbh! If her ten year old isn’t allowed snacks between meals then he’s bloody old enough to decline them from an 8 year old.

In your shoes I think I would just send back a text saying ‘noted’.

@MintyMabel presumably OP does know this boy, and probably would have mentioned if he had a disability meaning he cannot refuse a snack?

Do not reply, anything you do say will be used against you.
Just send him a thumbs up sign, which really means nothing.
If he does speak in person, just say what was written on here, sorry, but as your son is older than my child I think he needs to be able to say no to snacks from other people.

Sounds like a daddy is a food tyrant, sad that adults frown upon children sharing nowadays, with the exception of food allergies. Sonny only eats hummus and toasted pitta chips with sips of tip water. I can see it now.

Your neighbour sounds like an arse. As if she went to the length of txting you.

Kids do this all the time next door to me. I don’t have their mothers number but I would not dare send a txt FFS. Come on.

I agree with the poster... the neighbour should watch her kids more closely if she wants to be petti over a packet of crisps.

Bloody hell. This is a ten year old child, not a baby! Presumably, they will be going up to secondary school either this year or next? The child needs to learn some self control if they know they aren’t allowed snacks, and the parents need to hand themselves a grip.

I think that people have become totally ridiculous about food in general. sharing food is totally normal though of course allergies are a different thing. but then wow the kid didn't have their lunch ..... and??? I mean it's one meal who cares. By the time kids are 10 years old should be able to say no. So it would wind me up - if you are that strict they need to police their own kid and not expect other people to do so.

I think in the current covid times BOTH children should be taught that as kind and generous it usually is to share, at the moment it is a risk of passing on the virus.

@Chocolateismakingmefat

Poor kids. It was a bag of crisps not a bag of smack..

😂😂😂 Exactly!! Reminds me of the time my DD offered her friend a piece of bubble gum, (they were about 11 at the time), and (both) parents reacted like she'd offered her rat poison. "Oh no! She doesn't eat things like that!" "She's not allowed bubble gum, it's very bad for you, you know!" "She won't want her dinner if she has that!" (Directed at me), "Do you let her have that sort of thing often? It's not healthy!" I had to bite my tongue very hard to stop myself roaring, "FFS! It's bubble gum not crack cocaine!!" 😂

Plus - this child is 10. So presumably year 6. What on earth is this father going to do come September when he goes to secondary school....? They certainly don’t police every snack every child puts in its mouth.

If you were talking about a 5 year old with allergies? You could see why the father might be uptight. Still his responsibility to supervise his own kid, but understandable. But a 10 year old not eating his lunch? Bonkers....

“Sorry Alan, I have my hands full with my own. I can’t monitor the neighborhood children to make sure they are all following their parents’ various rule. I have let DD know not to offer your DS anything going forward, though.”

That’s what strikes me. He expects another parent to monitor his child and enforce rules that she does not have for her own child.

that is seriously annoying. Send this:
DD is allowed to have snacks. I will mention that your ds is not allowed but she can't police hat he does or doesn't do. Sorry but you need to speak to your ds as he is old enough to say no if he knows he is not allowed snacks.

His 10 year old is perfectly old enough to know the rules.

Expecting another, younger, child to show no manners and not offer him a crisp/share of sweet etc is just ridiculous

@ddl1

The neighbour is over-reacting. However, your dd does need to learn not to give other children food without their parents' permission: however well-intentioned it is, the other child could be seriously allergic or on a medically-prescribed diet.

A 10 year old with serious allergies would know to decline the offer.

Tell him to keep an eye on things so his kid doesn’t eat between meals!

I would be incredibly irate due by such a message!

This reminds me actually of our rules around drinks.

DS1 had always been a nightmare around sugary drinks. He'd do laps of the house. He only ever drank tap water at home or occasionally apple juice.

If he was at a party or out, he could have what he liked.

We always told him he shouldn't have any of those super high energy drinks (Lucozade etc).

He would often tell me that his friends bought them but he never did. I'm not sure whether I believe him but it certainly would never have occurred to me to tell any of their parents off for letting him drink them.

I wonder is the dad would have had the same problem had the snack been a chopped up apple or an orange divided into segments? I think he is trying to have a go at your parenting/food choices, rather than the sharing aspect itself. He's a knob. Tell him to teach his child to say no thank you.

@MintyMabel

Sounds like Daddy is a fun sponge. Oh FFS. Why do people think this is a clever come back? Invariably this is used when someone’s shit parenting is being called out and they have no defence for it. “Oh you’re such a fun sponge that you don’t think my little angel should be running up and down the road screaming for an hour”

OP’s DD was as much in the wrong here but there is no suggestion she is being reprimanded for it. I would be livid if my DD did that.

As for all of those saying the boy should be able to eat half a bag of crisps and manage his lunch - news flash, not every kid is the same. DD had to stop having the small snack they were given at after school club because she couldn’t eat her dinner an hour later. I’m buggered if I’ll have a plate of nutritional food go to waste for the sake of a tub of Doritos and dip.

The correct response should have been “sorry, it happened without me knowing, I’ve spoken to DD and she won’t do it again”

Seriously? You'd be "livid" if your daughter shared some crisps with a neighbour? This is like a different universe to the one I live in.

@itsgettingwierd

"Your ds is more than welcome to decline the offer of sharing food if he knows he's not allowed it"

“Hi. I don’t have time to supervise your son. He is welcome to decline the offer of any snacks being shared if he knows he’s not allowed to have them.”

Just send that. No more.

How old is your dd? At 10 or any age ds would ask if he could have the crisps as opposed to just taking them. Would you have refused if your daughter had requested the crisps so maybe she snuck them out?

You say she shared then with the boy and other children so we are realistically talking about 3 or 4 crisps each?

At TEN YEARS OLD the boy 'couldn't eat his dinner' because he'd eaten a few crisps?! That's ridiculous.
Had your dd taken a multipack of crisps out and shared them among the neighbourhood kids possibly a problem but it's a non issue really.
I'd just tell dd not to do it again. I'd tell neighbour it was 4 crisps, dd was being kind and sharing and neighbours son didn't refuse the 4 crisps. He obviously could have done because he's said to his father 'I ate 4 crisps so i can't eat my dinner'. Pointedly say he won't be offered any more food from your house.

'I will let Dd know, but please also ask your son to decline any future offerings if he isn't allowed to have them'

Point being, it’s not down to you or your daughter to change your behaviour to accommodate his specified rules. Your dd can have and share snacks if she likes. You can allow her to if you like. Fuck all to do with your neighbour. He can sort his own kid out.

@growinggreyer

Ten years old is not "more than old enough" to be able to resist temptation. There are plenty of adults around who cannot stop themselves eating food that they should not. ALL children should be taught that they do not ever offer food to other children because they do not know what that other child can or cannot eat. That is the only safe rule.

I disagree. My children are often offered food by other children (less so the past 12 months obvs). They also know to share food with others. Mine aren't 10 yet, but they have never struggled with "don't offer little cousin X chocolate as she can't have milk" and they also know which sweets contain gelatine despite being neither vegetarian not Muslim. They know not to eat nut containing products near certain adults. I don't think they are exceptional and they've been able to do this since they've been old enough to access food without me. I would expect 10 year olds to be able to share snacks Sharing food is an innately bonding experience and kids will do it whether we allow it or not. I ban poor behaviour, I don't ban sharing. If I were to ban snacking it would be up to me to teach that to my children, not expect every other child to support it.

“Hi. I don’t have time to supervise your son. He is welcome to decline the offer of any snacks being shared if he knows he’s not allowed to have them.”

I'd definitely go for something along these lines.