Neighbour unhappy DD gave his DS a snack

[Eastie77]

I am really annoyed but know I may be over-reacting so need to be talked down.

DD was playing out with our neighbours DS, he is about 10. At one point she ran into the kitchen and quickly out again. It turns out she took a bag of crisps and shared them with him and other kids. She knows she is not allowed to do this but it all happened v quickly. Neighbour later sent me a message "just a quick one Eastie, DS is not allowed snacks between meals" and went on to say he hadn't eaten his lunch because of the crisps. I explained I understood although I hadn't given them to his DS. He responded by saying that's fine but can I keep an eye on things in future to ensure his DS doesn't eat anything when the DC are playing together.

I have always told DD not to give out any snacks to friends unless I have permission from their parents but neighbour's reply is really annoying me. It has a lecturing tone to it that doesn't sit well with me and I want to send back a smart response but not sure what to write...

Oh do me a favour @MintyMabel, I didn't say I could tell he was NT by looking at him. I have spoken and interacted with him dozens of time. I know things may not be "as they seem" but there is absolutely nothing to indicate he has kind of disability or MH issue that affects his impulse control. If he had a serious, life threatening allergy to crisps don't you think his dad would have told me that rather than just say he isn't allowed to eat them?

Thanks for all the ideas regarding replies..I haven't responded yet as thought it might be better to just have a 'friendly' chat about it when I next see him rather than continuing the text. The kids are all meant to be going on an Easter Egg hunt after a church service tomorrow (including his DS) so will bring it up then.

So DD kindly shares crisps with another child.Parent complains as darling S will not eat his lunch,The world has gone bloody mad.My daughter is 23 and it was normal when she was little for kids to share sweets, crisps and ...horror ...biscuits between meals 🤣🤣🤣🤣

@MintyMabel

presumably OP does know this boy, and probably would have mentioned if he had a disability meaning he cannot refuse a snack?

DD has no idea her friend has this issue. Why should she? His medical issues aren't her business.

Exactly. Not her business but also not her job to police whether the friend shares a snack. That's on the parents of the child concerned, not on all the other parents.

If the parents, for whatever reason, don't want their child snacking, then it's up to them to police it. Not to expect others? Including children who are younger to do it for them. At 10 their child will be going up to high school soon enough - how will it work there? Will the parents expect others there to do their job?

DD has no idea her friend has this issue. Why should she? His medical issues aren't her business.

But YOU know, so presumably you wouldn’t let a situation arise where your child could offer her friend food. The neighbour clearly sees the OP as being responsible for his son while he is playing with OP’s daughter, so if there’s a medical reason why the boy can’t have snacks, it’s only fair for him to let the OP know in advance.

I ended up taking one of my DS’s classmates along on a day out as a last minute favour to his parents, who I don’t know well. They didn’t send any food with him and mentioned nothing about dietary restrictions, so I had no idea he had allergies until we were standing in a shop buying snacks! Thankfully the child was old enough to tell me what he could and couldn’t eat, but I was annoyed that his parents hadn’t let me know. In that situation, would I have been responsible for feeding him something that made him ill?

If the neighbour doesn't want his TEN year old snacking between meals, your neighbour needs to supervise their own child better.

Or get a grip.

FFS

The kid was 10! It's not your job to police what he eats.

Christ what is wrong with that parent ? I can't remember ever getting stressed about such a pathetic reason. Is his life that bad he has to control his Son so much, god help him in a few years time when his Son is a teen.

Its not your problem and praise your DD for her generosity.

It’s your neighbors problem, he needs to tell his 10 year old DS to decline if it’s affecting his meals. He’s 10 not 5

@AnImposter @Bluntness100 it honestly didn't occur to me that this could be a safeguarding issue as the boy seems like a happy, active child. Not obviously undernourished in any way and nothing seems amiss except I guess his controlling dad who, as everyone has said, is in for a nasty when his boy starts secondary school and he can't control his food intake.

@Neversleepingever

I like what *@SMabbutt* but I'd tweek it slightly:

Hi [David,] I can't ask [Rosie] to offer to share with everyone but only socially exclude [David Jr.] That would be targeted bullying. I will have to leave it to you to keep an eye on him to make sure he isn't eating between meals. It might also be worth ensuring [David Jr] knows he can always refuse any kind offerings of snacks from his friends.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Perfect

@MintyMabel

It was also good manners of the OP's DD to offer to share her snack!

The snack she took without her mother's permission?

I'm actually not a fan of children being made to feel everything they have with other children. Do you share your snacks at work with your colleagues?

I do! If I have a large bag of crisps I'll take in large bag and offer round.

Just seal it if any left 🤷‍♀️

His kid. He doesn't want you to feed it. Convey the info to DD and move on.

I personally don't see the big deal
of a few crisps but it's not my child.

I literally can't imagine a world in which my child sharing a bag of crisps would bother me. Mind you, there's also not a world in which the odd dinner going uneaten would bother me. The helicopter parenting that goes on these days is insane. Your daughter was kind to share, the neighbour needs to chill the hell out.

All of this ^^ @Mustfly, I completely agree.

@MintyMabel

I've spoken to this child many times. I may not 'know' him but as far as I can tell he is NT. He is a bright, articulate boy and there is no reason to suppose he would not have been able to tell DD if he was allergic to crisps.

You can tell by looking, which kids are NT? Wow. Best offer yourself to CAMHS they could do with your amazing powers of observation.

It's isn't just about allergies. DD has a friend who is also a bright boy. But he is under MH services because he has absolutely no impulse control and for the most part this manifests itself around food. I only know this because I know his mum well. Him snacking is a real problem.

Not everything is as it seems. But, sure, blame the other parent or the boy for the issue when it would be the easiest thing in the world just to say "oops, I'll make sure DD doesn't do this again"

You're nuts 🤣🤣🤣

You can't tell by looking at my ds he's autistic.

But that's why I parent him when I know he can't make right choices himself and not expect the local 7yo to do my job for free

I'm actually not a fan of children being made to feel everything they have with other children. Do you share your snacks at work with your colleagues?

Um .. yes. Don't you?

That poor kid.
With such controlling, over-involved parents, he’s fucked.
I wouldn’t say anything. There’s no point. Neither you nor your daughter did anything wrong.
It’s normal for kids to snack and it’s kind to share.

I wouldn’t be happy about my kids taking food without asking first.

IF I had given permission for them to take the crisps, then I would have said ‘yes, ok but make sure you share’.

I’d be cross that she took the crisps in the first place tbh. It’s not the way we do things in my house. They are allowed to help themselves to fruit, but not unhealthy snacks.

Poor kid will prob be shot at dawn tomorrow....

Only if someone gives him a bite of their egg...

Poor boy. He must have got a telling off for letting slip he’d had some crisps. Maybe his lunch was horrible and he didn’t want to eat it.

My youngest DS is 10 and I could not fathom texting another parent and having a go about their child sharing a snack. I’ve always given DCs friends whatever they’re having for a snack or told them to share checking about allergies beforehand of course.

Maybe it was to do with worry of Covid transmission but the Dad didn’t want to insinuate a hygiene issue?

Otherwise it sounds very off and I’d ask the boy a few questions about when he’s allowed to eat etc in a round about way next time I saw him to gauge if it’s anything to worry about.

Is the boy going to be able to eat any Easter Egg he finds on the hunt tomorrow I wonder?

DDs don't have to ask my permission to take crisps anyway, unless it's nearly a meal time.

I think my response to neighbours text would be "What?"

Oh ffs the kid's 10 not 4. He's totally old enough to refuse the crisps if he knows he's not allowed. I think your DD was nice for sharing. Just ignore the twat. Please don't bother replying to this nonsense.

Why should the onus be on you to encourage your child not to share?
Why can't the neighbour tell his ds he's not allowed to eat snacks between meals?
God, he sounds like a right laugh

@puginamug

Good Lord. I keep extra snacks in the cupboard to account for extra children. DS always taught to share any sweets, crisps etc.

He even takes his pocket money and buys them sweets. He's 12.

It's never occurred to me that he shouldn't be feeding other people's children!

At 10 years old, I would say they are old enough to manage their own dietary requirements.

I'm looking forward to this children going to secondary school and have free reign on the canteen.

100% agree with this comment!

My children are always in the fridge, taking digestives and sharing them with friends!

@toomuchtooold

Alternatively he could teach his boy to say no thank you to offered snacks. The kid's 10, not 3. But why bother doing that when there's a woman nearby who can do some parenting for you eh.

I was just coming on to say this. TBH it made the hairs on the back of my neck prickle. No 'normal' person whose child has no allergies etc would even give it a passing thought, I see this as maybe implications are that there is a level of unnatural control.