Neighbour unhappy DD gave his DS a snack

[Eastie77]

I am really annoyed but know I may be over-reacting so need to be talked down.

DD was playing out with our neighbours DS, he is about 10. At one point she ran into the kitchen and quickly out again. It turns out she took a bag of crisps and shared them with him and other kids. She knows she is not allowed to do this but it all happened v quickly. Neighbour later sent me a message "just a quick one Eastie, DS is not allowed snacks between meals" and went on to say he hadn't eaten his lunch because of the crisps. I explained I understood although I hadn't given them to his DS. He responded by saying that's fine but can I keep an eye on things in future to ensure his DS doesn't eat anything when the DC are playing together.

I have always told DD not to give out any snacks to friends unless I have permission from their parents but neighbour's reply is really annoying me. It has a lecturing tone to it that doesn't sit well with me and I want to send back a smart response but not sure what to write...

I probably won't be able to keep an eye on what your son eats realistically. I could ask him not to eat food between meals if you want me to.

Oops, just re-read your original post and you said your DD is not normally allowed to get snacks but the bit in my first message about assuming the crisps would just be for her , I think still makes sense.

@Aimee1987

I havent read the whole thing but I would be upset of someone gave me DS random food. My reason is that he has 5 allergies including ones that are in alot of commercially prepared foods.

In the situation you've described it does
Sound quite ott. I'm very surprised a kid wouldn't eat their lunch because they had a third of a packet of crisps.

Your DC needs to know they don’t accept food from other kids.

You cannot expect other kids not to offer him things. That is always going to happen.

Good grief how ridiculous, I'd text back that it's kind to share and that it's not yours or your daughters job to police what his son is eating. If he doesn't trust that his son can stick to his rules when out unsupervised then he shouldn't be out unsupervised. Poor kid, what a joyless existence.

@MintyMabel

Kids playing out can't share snacks with their friends now?

If a child is at my house, I never offer them snacks or sweets without checking what their parents would think about that. It’s good manners to consider others.

Me neither, it's sometimes just undermining in the guise of politeness. How hard is it to say to the DD "neighbour kid isn't allowed snacks so don't give him any."
FWIW kids who grow up without snacks will know what normal hunger feels like and are used to not eating until they are genuinely hungry, my ds would not eat a meal if he snacks (even a small snack) because he's not used to topping up, and then being expected to eat when he's not actually very hungry. He would just be not hungry for a meal if it was staved off with crisps.
If it were me I would not be annoyed but just make him the meal later, but I don't think for a second your neighbour is lying or there is something 'wrong' with his kid as other posters are suggesting, I think the kid has not been trained from toddlerhood to override the feeling of being satisfied and just eat more anyway because lunch is one the table. My ds has only just finished his lunch a few minutes ago because his friend shared party rings at the park this morning and every time I asked him if he wants lunch yet he said no, he's not hungry yet. I don't mind waiting but I can see how that would be annoying if they eat lunch as a family.

Hes expecting an 8 year old child to police his own arbitrary rules on food

There's nothing wrong with what your DD did. If he doesn't want his child eating between mealtimes he needs to supervise his child's eating not your DD.

If the child has allergies at 10 its quite frankly terrifying if that child can't manage their own allergies. They will be offered food from other sources all the time, and will be at secondary in a year, buying their own lunches or snacks on the way home from school.

His child had crisps one day and couldn't eat his lunch. Absolutely no harm done, he's massively overreacting and is setting his poor DS up for a lifetime of problems with food tbh with that sort of restrictive attitude. Sharing a packet of crisps amongst friends is lovely and the DS then self regulated by having less lunch

I don't think that the father is wrong for not wanting the kid to eat snacks.

Not up to others to make sure it doesn't happen though.

Frankly, I'm more surprised you know your neighbours well enough that you message each other.

Sorry, am between running errands so skim reading at the moment. I'm astonished at the people who would be 'livid' at their DC for sharing but as said, I have told her not to. DD said she told the kids she had a packet of crisps in the house and asked who wants some? Everyone including the 10yo put their hands up.

@MintyMabel I've spoken to this child many times. I may not 'know' him but as far as I can tell he is NT. He is a bright, articulate boy and there is no reason to suppose he would not have been able to tell DD if he was allergic to crisps.

To a PP who mentioned it, yes I am fuming that my Tyrells treat has vanished! They were on offer at £1 in the local shop and I was looking forward to them!

Fuck that OP. Just lol back and tell him sharings caring and if he doesn't want his kid eating between meals that's down to him to enforce not your 7 year old. Fella sounds a control freak. Perhaps his lunch was shit and he needs to make his offerings a bit tastier? My 7 year old boy would never turn down food, not after a hanful of crisps anyway.

@RonSwansonsChair

I think I'd have to say - I'll remind DD not to share food and you should remind your DS not to eat between meals. I'm sure at 10 he's old enough to know your family rules.

This response.

I would make a phone call rather than reply by text - the one time I got a sarky text like that I immediately called my neighbour and said something like 'I am so sorry to hear you are unhappy - can we discuss it ...' she blustered and backtracked immediately and there was no damage to our relationship - I do think texting back and forth is too easy - people just don't want to have a proper discussion.

Erm. I'd be telling them to watch their own child and tell them not to eat snacks given by other people.
Tit.

I cannot imagine being annoyed at my ten year old having some crisps with his friends 🤣 and if he wasn't suppose to eat between meals he needs to exercise self restraint not an eight year old who needs to make sure she doesn't offer any.

He probably the kind of parent who would also complain if you have ice lollies out to all the kids except his following this situation.

Exactly what I thought.

Sharing haribo/snacks is all part of learning to be kind and cementing relationships. As a parent if they were in my house I would ask about allergies but at 10years old and playing outside the child should have been taught to politely say no.

I literally can't imagine a world in which my child sharing a bag of crisps would bother me. Mind you, there's also not a world in which the odd dinner going uneaten would bother me. The helicopter parenting that goes on these days is insane. Your daughter was kind to share, the neighbour needs to chill the hell out.

Just constantly amazed at the levels of petty control some parents inflict on their children all in their best interests.

Is this guy usually such a control freak?

Oh dear the neighbour is a bit of a plonker I think - I woud just ignore tbh. They can tell their child not to have them and the child may or may not comply.

'Sorry, I can't supervise your ds or his eating when they are playing out, not sure why that is your expectation?'

The boy is ten years old ?! He’ll be in secondary school next year.

What a prize plonker this father is.

I would say

"No, I can't make sure. My kid is allowed snacks, your kid has to refuse if he's not allowed"

Personally I would be texting back to say it's not your daughters job to police what his son eats. It's up to him to say no.

I to would just say, “no, I can’t supervise your child”

If DD had a treat then I would expect her to share with her friends. Those friends are welcome to refuse the offer.

It is not my job, or DDs, to ensure other children follow their parents' rules about snacks. Or even to know what those rules are, whether no snacks, only vegetarian/halal/kosher/ nut allergy/whatever.

If his DS can't follow his rules, then he needs to supervise

"I've spoken to DD about not sharing food with other children without asking first. Perhaps you could speak to your DS and remind him that he's not allowed to take food either and then hopefully we won't be in this situation again. "