Male performative cooking, it’s a thing isn’t it?

[Beeth0ven]

Characterised by:

Weekly cadence
Complex recipes (often involving trips to specialist shops to source)
While day needed (or substantial park of the day) to cook
Low engagement with wider family during process
No expectation of clearing up afterwards, despite WILD amount of mess

Has anyone else observed this? Has it been widely discussed on here?

@greatauntfanny

I’m glad that people are able to laugh. I’d be really turned off by a man acting like a child and making a big fuss about cooking a meal, especially if he was completely oblivious to the fact I’d actually prepared half of it (e.g. the veg)/sorted the kids’ dinners/did the washing up/every meal the rest of the week. No, thanks.

You're not alone. As for the ones who do this, expect praise, leave a mess, don't allow other family members in the kitchen but then criticise what their partner has cooked, interfere with their cooking, come in and hog the kitchen whilst you're cooking, that's just disrespectful AF; there's nothing cute about that at all or about putting up with arsehole behaviour like this.

OP this happens in our house too! Dh thinks he’s helping because I pretty much do all the cooking, but his ‘help’ always involves recipe books, numerous trips to the shops, about 10,000 bowls and cooking utensils being used, a vast amount of time and a huge mess! Why does it have to be such a bloody momentous event? All I want him to do is cook a normal bloody tea with no fuss which I manage to do pretty much every day.

DH loves a good kitchen fuss. It doesn't spread to says sourcing ingredients, but all utensils must be used. I don't mind though because he does more than half the cooking in the house, including easy midweek meals so I chalk the big kitchen explosions up to him really enjoying cooking.

If he did nothing and then did showstopper messy fussy cooking it would get on my nerves.

DH is okay on this score.

My father was a bloody nightmare. Total shambles, but flags and fanfares required.

There used to a mens' book group in these parts. The host cooked a meal. It got so insanely competitive that the group folded under the weight of its own pretention after a couple of dozen meetings.

The women's book group, on the other hand - you might get cake, and it's been going almost 20 years.

Yes, well at least it’s okay when one gets a gorgeous meal at the end. There are men out there who think cooking is opening a can and heating the contents and expect all the praise of having MPC’d Beef Wellington.

@macaronirabbit

This also leads to them standing in the kitchen making 'useful' comments about a meal you have made 1000 times before.

Despite the fact that I cook on a very regular basis, DH always has to faff about with slightly alter the gas level while I am cooking, or give something a stir, sprinkle a bit of salt into it etc. I think he just does it to annoy me now! 😂

I believe this is called a “spoony fucker”.

Oh I am so pleased that it's not just in my house

Plus, and I am being a bitch here, everyone who eats it fawns over it as though it's something special. It's a fecking risotto / overdone ribs on the bbq. Give over!

The kitchen wanker men have an irritating sibling (also male) - the spoonyfucker - the man who stirs whatever his wife is cooking into a porridgey mess.

RandomDent - Spoony Fucker - that's what I've been trying to think of! I'm sure there's a lengthy thread in classics about various Spoony Fuckers.

My first husband was a chef and did all the cooking when we were first married. The food was fine but the needy cheffy ego that came to the fore when the meal was produced was tedious.

It went something like "tell me what you think, don't hold back".
(me) "yeah it's nice, seasoning is perfect"
"No tell me what you really think"
"well, it's nice but -"
"I knew it! You don't appreciate fine cooking"
"I DO! But -"
"No, no, I'm wasting my time, might as well not bother"

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Thank you, I shall enjoy the re-read

@EssentialHummus

I’d like you all to know that we have eaten the slightly burnt pancakes now. Total prep time: 2.5 hours.

JFC - My 18 year old made (American) pancakes for breakfast today and it took all of 30 mins

This thread is so funny😂 I love it. My DP is like this.. the obsession with knife sharpening is real! Must be a caveman instinct to act so wanky around knives.

He wants to reinvent the wheel every time he tries cooking -apparently the regular ways just aren't good enough. On christmas day he suddenly decided he was going to do the roast potatoes and spent ages and ages googling roast potato recipes, decided he was going to do turmeric roast potatoes, complained he couldn't find the turmeric - now i'm Indian and I have a BUCKET-LOAD of turmeric - then when they were in the oven he stood there with the stopwatch watching the oven - '8 minutes before I turn over' - while I did EVERYTHING ELSE. They did turn out good though, so that shut me up. He had to have a lie-down after dinner while I cleared up.

Nope

@adrianmolesmole
😂😂😂

when I was a kid, My auntie used to make the best roast potatoes ever. All our family knew this and no one could rival auntie macaronis roasties.
I was telling DH this and he was literally incredulous that I could think they were better than any he had made!

OMG my ex was the WORST for this, I dreaded it. Usually for having people round. He would do a huge expensive supermarket shop to get everything he needed for one single special wanky meal, spend hours doing it (one job after another as he refused to multitask) so it wasn’t ready until late at night, make a massive mess, and then the serving it up had to be done all poncily and you weren’t allowed to start until he’d added the special wanky sprinkle of this or that. By the time we got to eat it it was getting cold and I just wanted to go to bed.

Five years since I left him and I’m feeling myself getting riled by it again now!

Oh yes and the praise required too. If you didn’t have raptures about how amazing it was, he’d fish for compliments. Also, to impress friends he’d often make very hot curry, which I don’t like, so I wasn’t actually enjoying it at all.

Torture I tell you!

Oh god I’ve just seen the cleaver. Mine also had to chop everything with a cleaver and sharpen it first

It’s like The Script for affairs, but with cooking.

Very late to this thread. But yes, performative, yes male cooking, just yes. And in case you missed it YES!

My ex-H always discussed how much he loved cooking. The first time I met his family he insisted on cooking a major 3-course meal - wouldnt accept help AT ALL. I chatted politely to his parents for nearly 3 hours on my own whilst their son had a massive meltdown in the kitchen, wouldnt accept any help. His mum and I were totally pissed by the time food arrived. Yes it was lovely but the moment had long gone. (I should have recognised the red flag and run).

I joked recently with our DC about using all the pans. (He always did). Apparently when they repeated it to their dad he had a very sour face on him. Whereas my lovely DC know that I am a one-pot cook. I have never explained why. I think they now know!!

So many other stories on performative cooking - including pudding at midnight. Who the fuck wants to eat pudding at midnight!

Thank you for this thread - beyond cathartic!

Now I must discuss the booze required for this performative cooking.

My ex would buy bottles of booze if only 1 teaspoon required. He didnt drink a lot and neither did I of this stuff. After he left I had some rooms in my house decorated. Luckily I knew the decorator - old enough to be my dad. He showed me the booze bottles that he had emptied out of a cupboard and asked me if I had a drink problem!!

A friend held a cocktail party the following year and was beyond grateful when I turned up (walking distance) with a number of obscure drinks that only ever seem to be in cocktails or recipes!! She has no idea how grateful I AM to be able to get rid!!

My dad does this- cooks once a year after Christmas and talks about it for weeks beforehand. It’s always one of 2 dishes, neither of which I particularly enjoy but it’s part of the ritual for everyone to go on for daaaays about how amazing it is. We weren’t there for Xmas this year but had a very detailed description of the whole performance over zoom instead.

Fortunately DH is the complete opposite and if anything probably cooks more than me

this is my most favourite thread for aaaaages! I'm saving spoony fucker for another day. Sigh. Happiness!

A mumsnet Classics thread?

I was thinking that Newgirls.
Spoony fucker is going to become a new phrase in this house.