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Original poster

Male performative cooking, it’s a thing isn’t it?

293 replies

Beeth0ven · 14/03/2021 09:28

Characterised by:

Weekly cadence
Complex recipes (often involving trips to specialist shops to source)
While day needed (or substantial park of the day) to cook
Low engagement with wider family during process
No expectation of clearing up afterwards, despite WILD amount of mess

Has anyone else observed this? Has it been widely discussed on here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeth0ven · 14/03/2021 17:34

Oh. My. God.

Slightly altering the gas while I’m cooking is Angry

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 14/03/2021 17:34

@Beeth0ven

Ooooh let’s hear about performative shopping.

Does it involve a 1 hour queue at an artisan butcher?

Exh used to insist on walking miles to buy an eco item of some kind. Daily or worse. I couldn't do a weeks food shopping in one go in a supermarket to save his life.
toolatetofixate · 14/03/2021 17:40

@EssentialHummus

DH is today making pancakes. It’s been an hour so far, and he’s just popped out of the kitchen to declare that the batter now needs to rest for an hour.

No!! Shock

It takes me half an hour max to make loads of pancakes for everyone.

Interested in this thread?

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General food
nevernotstruggling · 14/03/2021 17:49

See also performative cleaning

Newgirls · 14/03/2021 17:54

@UnsureOfNC

' The salad dressing he takes half an hour to prepare and which must be fawned over like it's right out of Gordon Ramsey's ball sack is made of chip shop vinegar mixed with vegetable oil, applied so liberally that I worry local wildlife may fall into my salad (sad looking iceberg lettuce, far too much red onion and a bit of floppy cucumber), and need specialist cleaning by the RSPB. '

@Heysiriyoutwat

Thanks, you've made my day with that description!

Specialist cleaning 😂 genius
Newgirls · 14/03/2021 17:56

@Beeth0ven

Ooooh let’s hear about performative shopping.

Does it involve a 1 hour queue at an artisan butcher?

Yes and they are ‘friends’ with the butcher a la Nigel slater
camelfinger · 14/03/2021 17:58

My DH is a great cook, and cleans up much better than I do. The only problem is, it does take a long time so I would rather he would occasionally settle for a more straightforward meal and do some other tasks around the house that aren’t quiet as rewarding as cooking. My cooking no longer feels up to scratch so I kind of feel sad that I don’t cook anymore. And if I do, I get too much pestering from the kids to give it my full attention.

Also, on another note, I’ve noticed that in property programmes there is a certain type of entertaining kitchen required for male performance chefs.

Heysiriyoutwat · 14/03/2021 17:59

@nevernotstruggling

See also performative cleaning
Ha! Dh bought himself a chargeable dyson.

They can't be that great as it takes him hours to do one room.

Then I have to come in an marvel at the sparkling carpets.

TheChosenTwo · 14/03/2021 18:00

Oh god dh is a wanky home cook, but he does ALL the cooking of evenings meals with the odd exception where we have a takeaway or he’s out and I have to feed the dc.
There’s a lot of sighing over recipes, going out for ingredients, often involving a 30 mile drive to a specialist seafood shop on the coast 🙄 - researching different butchers, everything takes fucking hours to cook. Everything. The man can’t cook in a hurry.
However I leave him to it and just eat what he’s made, it’s usually bloody delicious but my god - sometimes we just want to eat within a sensible 2 hour turnaround time from when he started cooking!

fizbosshoes · 14/03/2021 18:00

What's the thing about tea towels as well?
We have oven gloves designed to take hot pans out of the oven. Apparently these are not at all suitable for performance-food activity - you must pick up a piping hot pan with a tea towel, followed by lots of oofing noises because it isnt actually heat proof. Also despite having all manner of other cloths and sprays for cleaning, any spillages have to be quickly and inefficiantly wiped up with a tea towel. Amongst the kitchen carnage there are always discarded and dirty tea towels scrunched up somewhere!

truetuesdays · 14/03/2021 18:01

Trips to specialist shops so true

Then the cupboard is filled for years and years with obscure herbs and spices never to be used again

LubaLuca · 14/03/2021 18:05

Yes and they are ‘friends’ with the butcher a la Nigel slater

My husband liked to have me believe that the butcher was a close personal friend and recipe confidante. That is until I went there one day with him and there was not a hint of recognition and I had to do all of the talking Grin. We no longer watch Nigel Slater because DH doesn't like it when I smirk.

GreenSlide · 14/03/2021 18:10

They always insist you can't be anywhere near the kitchen too. Well you can be there to do the boring shit like peeling potatoes. And at the end mine will bellow for me to 'come in and help' but at all other times I darent step foot in the kitchen.

It's fine for him to decide to start washing plant pots in the sink while I'm cooking and need to drain potatoes etc though.

thenightsky · 14/03/2021 18:14

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Not in my house. Its the same recipe over and over which I MUST be grateful for.
Yep, same here.
IpreferInchyraBlue · 14/03/2021 18:16

And constant praise needed while we eat it.

EssentialHummus · 14/03/2021 18:18

@toolatetofixate he’s still going. Did he buy fillings for these amazing well-rested pancakes? No he did not. And the toddler is about to chew her own arm off.

greatauntfanny · 14/03/2021 18:24

I’m glad that people are able to laugh. I’d be really turned off by a man acting like a child and making a big fuss about cooking a meal, especially if he was completely oblivious to the fact I’d actually prepared half of it (e.g. the veg)/sorted the kids’ dinners/did the washing up/every meal the rest of the week. No, thanks.

LadyCatStark · 14/03/2021 18:31

Oh God, DH does this. It’s doesn’t happen very often but when he decides to cook we must first (in normal times) invite family or friends round to ensure that more people get to enjoy his delights, buy a New Pan because he couldn’t possibly adapt the recipe to use one of the mango and we already have, go to Booths and spend a small fortune because Sainsburys ‘isn’t as good quality’, complain about how much it all cost, declare all the knives to be blunt and sharpen them, spend a million years making the actual food, photograph it for Facebook and then we can finally eat.

The fact that he must have other people here in order to make cooking worth it and the need to put pictures on Facebook has prompted several people to ask if I ever cook 🤬. I cook every other god damn meal, I just don’t need to make a performance out of it! Oh and then he’ll say “you can clean up, since I did all the cooking” yet it never works the same the other way around!

MissBridgetJones · 14/03/2021 18:32

@katand2kits

Yep, it's some sort of kitchenwanking. Seems to me that a man who can follow a three hour Heston Blumenthal recipe is also capable of cooking a Monday night dinner that takes 20 minutes, but funnily enough, these types never seem to do that.
Kitchenwanking 100%

Suddenly becomes Gordon bloody Ramsay... but heaven forbid he knocks up beans on toast... 🙂

TheSandman · 14/03/2021 18:34

@lotionInTheBasket

Oh my goodness *@Beeth0ven* you have made my day for the fact that I really thought it was just my husband that does this!
Not just men. My wife does this. Even more so since she bought a Ninja brand food processor which is the UGLIEST piece of kit, a bugger to clean, and makes makes a lot of noise and mess to do all the things I can do with my hand-blender and a cheese-grater in half the time.
EveningOverRooftops · 14/03/2021 18:47

@Dailyhandtowelwash

DH did impress the midwives at our home birth when, after I’d given birth at 8am, he offered everyone a bacon sandwich using the homemade bread he had made while I was in labour.
Tbh him making bread was probably better than him being a domineering twat like some blokes are when their wife is in Labour.
MrsBerthaRochester · 14/03/2021 18:47

My ex did this and it drove me mad. Spent hours shopping and cooking and left the kitchen a bomb site but I was expected to be pathetically grateful. Also used to insist on having BBQs even though I loathe them,spent a fortune and then moan when we were skint for rest of month.
When he had the kids for Xmas they were on the phone moaning that they were starving as he spent the entire day cooking the turkey. Which they all said was dry and horrible lol.
His lucky gf now gets to enjoy his Speciality(bog standard) beef bourginon.

ElectricMistofelees · 14/03/2021 18:57

Often accompanied by loud proclamations of “I enjoy cooking” and “it helps me wind down”, except this only seems to be the case on sundays when the alternative is ferrying the kids around and/or cleaning. No apparent enjoyment or need to wind down on a Tuesday tea time.....

queenatom · 14/03/2021 19:01

@macaronirabbit

This also leads to them standing in the kitchen making 'useful' comments about a meal you have made 1000 times before.

Despite the fact that I cook on a very regular basis, DH always has to faff about with slightly alter the gas level while I am cooking, or give something a stir, sprinkle a bit of salt into it etc. I think he just does it to annoy me now! 😂

@macaronirabbit My husband did this yesterday for the billionth time and I just lost it at him. I am cooking this meal, I have set the gas at the level I want it, so butt out!

He also does the million little bowl thing. Maddening. Fortunately he's otherwise a good cook and does about 70% of the cooking (and about 50% of the dishwasher loading).

Pan2 · 14/03/2021 19:12

I always:

  • don a tea towel over my right shoulder - gives the air of focused effort.
  • get really particular about how the parmesan is grated, on the occasion I bravely outsource this task...
  • take time to select the most appropriate wooden spoon (of a choice of 10) for particular stirring purposes.
  • wear expectant look on face when MrsPan first tastes the dish.

You're welcome.

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