Male performative cooking, it’s a thing isn’t it?

[Beeth0ven]

Characterised by:

Weekly cadence
Complex recipes (often involving trips to specialist shops to source)
While day needed (or substantial park of the day) to cook
Low engagement with wider family during process
No expectation of clearing up afterwards, despite WILD amount of mess

Has anyone else observed this? Has it been widely discussed on here?

I’d like you all to know that we have eaten the slightly burnt pancakes now. Total prep time: 2.5 hours.

Yup.

Gratitude must be expressed very vocally several times during the 24 hours following the consumption of the meal, or else ...

@EssentialHummus

I’d like you all to know that we have eaten the slightly burnt pancakes now. Total prep time: 2.5 hours.

Sorry @EssentialHummus but that genuinely made me laugh (maybe sneak some toast later?)

Yes and they are ‘friends’ with the butcher a la Nigel Slater

Lol, my DH is - they can see him coming a mile away as he regularly spends £70 on beef ...

@FaceyRomford

Not always. My DF could cook a meal quicker and with less fuss than anyone I've ever met. He did the bulk of the cooking at home when I was a child. But then he'd been a cook in the Navy.....

My das was an army cook but absolutely useless at cooking for a family of 4. He just couldn't scale stuff down and was also too used to tight budget mass catering. He made pretty decent pastry, though.

@EssentialHummus

I’d like you all to know that we have eaten the slightly burnt pancakes now. Total prep time: 2.5 hours.

How is this possible?

What a waste of time! This one has annoyed me most of all in this thread. Pancakes are a really quick breakfast option!

What were these pancakes served with.

You’re telling me @toolatetofixate. Could I add, in the spirit of full disclosure, that he opened a new pack of butter because there absolutely wasn’t one going already (and it certainly wasn’t in the butter dish, at eye level in the fridge), and that (esp in response to the suggestion that I make myself some toast later) he used all the ham and cheese that arrived in our online shop about an hour before? I mean, what was going to be in these pancakes before the Sainsbury’s man turned up?

He has good qualities, really, but they weren’t on display today.

I’m pregnant, the entire house smells of batter and I want a ham sarnie.

See above @Whatwouldscullydo - a week’s worth of ham and Emmental.

DH has reminded me that we were commemorating Russian orthodox pancake day.

@EssentialHummus

You’re telling me *@toolatetofixate*. Could I add, in the spirit of full disclosure, that he opened a new pack of butter because there absolutely wasn’t one going already (and it certainly wasn’t in the butter dish, at eye level in the fridge), and that (esp in response to the suggestion that I make myself some toast later) he used all the ham and cheese that arrived in our online shop about an hour before? I mean, what was going to be in these pancakes before the Sainsbury’s man turned up?

He has good qualities, really, but they weren’t on display today.

I’m pregnant, the entire house smells of batter and I want a ham sarnie.

I'm just agog. Send him my way for a lesson on the best fluffiest pancakes ever that take about 20-30 minutes to start plating up.

Fucking pancake palaver. Pancake plonker.

Let me guess u now need to go out amd buy nore for pre school packed lunches? And the kid was too tired to eat

Just come downstairs (having avoided last 2 hours of MPC/KW) to find this sitting on the side.... What is it, why has it been kept and how does it relate to spag bol???

Could be pasta water ? I think sometimes it gets added to the sauce

We sent our butcher a postcard when we went on holiday and he was the first person to meet our firstborn (after we’d eaten the bacon sandwiches and waved the midwives off). He’d been worrying about how long my labour was.

All the above is absolutely true. He had a baby photo of firstborn in his shop for a year or so.

@Pan2

I always:

• don a tea towel over my right shoulder - gives the air of focused effort.
• get really particular about how the parmesan is grated, on the occasion I bravely outsource this task...
• take time to select the most appropriate wooden spoon (of a choice of 10) for particular stirring purposes.
• wear expectant look on face when MrsPan first tastes the dish.

You're welcome.

Oh yes, the 'Parmesan policing '! I'd forgotten that... however I grate it, it is apparently wrong.

@SockQueen

Urgh yes. Thankfully lockdown has spared us some of DH's more elaborate performative roasts. During which I prep all the veg, wrangle two small children, set the table, respond to 87 desperate queries for "where is the...?" (2cm to the left of where you're looking) serve up everything except The Meat. Then eat it (and feed aforementioned small children) while listening to his tedious explanation of the cooking methods and how the wine pairs with it.

Obviously this is an exhausting process, so I then have to clear up, load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen too. But he COOKED!

So don't do any of that? Tell him you're looking after the kids and you'll clean up after but everything else is down to him.

[quote InescapableDeath]@midlifephoenix it must've just been my dad selling it as him doing something special then! He went on and on about it enough.

I guess the point is that he only rolled out these banquets for occasions where he could show off. The rest of the time it was my mum doing the daily grind and he would sit there saying 'I don't even like potatoes' or 'not sure about this sauce' etc.

He still does it, but now they're getting on a bit it's excused as 'ahh, you know what your dad's like' and I think my mum is just used to it now![/quote]
If my husband ever complains or makes negative remarks about food I've cooked I just say, that's too bad, I'm enjoying it.

Not me. My husband is a chef so obviously loves cooking. But he critiques everything, nothing is ever good enough. We've been together for nearly 7 years and he's yet to make something and not say anything negative about what he's cooked. Even though it's perfect (I'm biased but still). I keep telling him he needs to stop finding fault with everything he cooks. He doesn't need to.

Oh Lordy , performative shopping at the butchers ..

Our local butchers is seriously good . Not in a wanky expensive “all our meat has been fed on organic grass sprinkled with unicorn tears and has been lovingly curated into artisanal pork chops “ kind of way , but people travel miles to buy from him . I usually go midweek , when it’s quieter, but one week I’d ordered a particular joint for a big family dinner , and had to pick it up on the Saturday.

There in the queue was the Man. All full of joviality , making loud jokes with the butcher just so everyone knew he was on first name terms ( we all are , it’s a tiny sodding village !) making sure everyone heard him ordering a rib of beef ( make it a large one , Jeff! Fifteen for dinner ) and then adding a couple of pounds of sausages and three pounds of bacon ( thick cut Jeff , like to be generous!) . Jesus .

The woman I was standing behind was muttering “I wonder if he’s ever bought two pounds of mince “

Oh dear I think I am the performative cook in this house

DH always cooks but I'll cook about once a month and it's usually some elaborate recipe that I need to scour various supermarkets for the ingredients. DH cleans up and always complains about the mess I've made and the amount of stuff I've used.

I don't take pictures, announce it to the world or expect any praise though. Tbf DH is usually quite generous with the praise, probably because he hopes that it will encourage me to cook a bit more often
I bloody hate cooking, I'd rather scrub 10 toilets than cook a meal. Unless, of course, it's my monthly "I know, I'll cook something we've never heard of that takes 3 hours".

I'm also guilty of buying expensive kitchen gadgets that only get used once.

I recently bought one of those mandolin chopper thingys and announced to DH that I would definitely start cooking more now that I've got this. Also promised him that I would use it to make home made coleslaw. He just rolled his eyes and told me that a knife is so much easier.
It was a pita to use and a pita to clean, I used it once and quickly decided that it was much easier to just use a knife. I still haven't ever made homemade coleslaw.

Love this thread we have three spice racks for his cooking sometimes the food is great sometimes odd, the mess, water sloshed on the floor, ditto flour, veg peelings. We made a pact no-one complains to the chef about the offering 🤣

I love the professional way he runs around the kitchen frantically chopping really fast mixing 2 things at the same time and rushing about as if he has to get things done in a certain amount of time for "service" ... Watched far far too many masterchef episodes obviously

On the nights he cooks god help anyone who interferes in the kitchen adjusting heat, stirring even if the bloody stuff is burning boiling over. When I cook he wombles in questioning, stirring, occasionally trying to lob some spice or herb in. I'm more than simmering with annoyance when he does that

After reading this lot, I’m thankful to have a dh who never cooks, never really has, but who invariably clears up the kitchen beautifully and appreciates whatever I give him.
Suits me fine.