Male performative cooking, it’s a thing isn’t it?

[Beeth0ven]

Characterised by:

Weekly cadence
Complex recipes (often involving trips to specialist shops to source)
While day needed (or substantial park of the day) to cook
Low engagement with wider family during process
No expectation of clearing up afterwards, despite WILD amount of mess

Has anyone else observed this? Has it been widely discussed on here?

why anyone would agree to clean up someone else's monumental cooking mess.

Because the kitchen was fucked and I couldn't use it in that state, and he wouldn't do it. If I asked him to, he'd agree, but not actually do it. He'd always say he would have done it / was about to do it of course, once I did. Also, even if he had done it, he wouldn't have done it properly, eg left the pans, not wiped the surfaces.

And yes I was a mug, and I do regret, it, but at least I did finally leave. Bliss!

The salad dressing he takes half an hour to prepare and which must be fawned over like it's right out of Gordon Ramsey's ball sack is made of chip shop vinegar mixed with vegetable oil, applied so liberally that I worry local wildlife may fall into my salad (sad looking iceberg lettuce, far too much red onion and a bit of floppy cucumber), and need specialist cleaning by the RSPB.

Whoops! Forgot to comment Bloody work getting in the way!

I thought the above was hilarious, especially the chip shop vinegar and the specialist cleaning by the RSPB!

An ex-boyfriend ticked a couple of these boxes. The one time he insisted on cooking me dinner he banished me from the kitchen for the 2 hours that he was in there buggering about cooking (I watched an entire episode of Columbo and he still hadn’t dished up!), used twice the number of kitchen utensils, bowls etc that I would’ve, covering all the kitchen worktops with bits and bobs. The meal wasn’t even fantastic, only OK, and certainly not worth all the faff “effort” he’d put into it. Of course he didn’t set the table, but he never thought to do that anyway on all the times I cooked (his thoughtlessness and general scattiness were the main reason I dumped him).

A male friend does the using a tea-towel to mop up spillages then leaving it in a heap thing, but at least he washes up as he goes so there’s only plates and cutlery to do after a meal.

I’m glad that people are able to laugh. I’d be really turned off by a man acting like a child and making a big fuss about cooking a meal…
Same here. I’m afraid, entertaining as it is to hear these stories, I’d be so pissed off with a partner doing this shit that there would be words. I’m fascinated by the psychology behind this male performance cooking though, so any psychologists here that can explain it?

@greatauntfanny

I’m glad that people are able to laugh. I’d be really turned off by a man acting like a child and making a big fuss about cooking a meal, especially if he was completely oblivious to the fact I’d actually prepared half of it (e.g. the veg)/sorted the kids’ dinners/did the washing up/every meal the rest of the week. No, thanks.

Me too. I'm reading this open-mouthed.

I would be totally exasperated too, but god this thread is funny!

Despite living with, and getting exasperated with, a performance cooker (actually it's not always cooking, even sandwiches require a good deal of faffery - and let's not mention salads!) I am still really laughing at this thread....because theres a certain reassurance that I'm not the only one who puts up with it.

It most certainly is. Even everyday stuff. My DH mainly does the cooking here (he wanted to, why would I stop him) but the mess he leaves behind is unbelievable. No washing up as he goes along, too busy watching the pot. When it's my daughter or me cooking, all that's left to wash up at the end is the pan, plates etc. With him it's a chuffing mountain of stuff!

@ronswansonstache

DP has a Special Knife which he spends a long time sharpening on a sharpening rod before use. It's usually used to cut salad or veg so really needs to be razor sharp before tackling those tomatoes.

The Special Knife is not to be used by me (except for washing as it is also not allowed in the dishwasher).

Ooh, I'm not even allowed to wash the knife because I leave it to drain on the metal drainer and that makes it instantly blunt again.

DH does now make a better lasagne than me but his takes 3x as long to make, costs twice as much and makes considerably more mess while being so involved that at no point can he clean anything up as he goes.

He will make curry, using a jar sauce but adding so many ingredients and extra steps that the jar is essentially pointless and it takes him 3 hours. Which is fine, but not an easy weekday dinner which is why I buy the jars...

I have had to to film him cook an omelette (to be fair, his omelettes are quite special).

This is my DH...and what would take me 45 minutes takes him 4.5 hours. And he's sooo exhausted...

@Reallybadidea

'I can't answer questions now, I am making a roux'

Ahahahaha. That's brilliant!

I relayed this to DH and he didn't see a problem. Perfectly reasonable apparently

@ronswansonstache - my dh is the opposite of yours. We do have a Good kitchen knife, but he was shocked to come into the kitchen one day and find me sharpening it! He told me, very seriously, that it didn't need sharpening, and when I asked him why, he told me that it had stayed sharp for years, so clearly didn't need it.

I gave him this look, and informed him that I had been sharpening the knife regularly ever since we bought it, and that was why it stayed sharp!!

You have described my husband to a T
AIBU to tell him to shove his ‘gordon ramsey’ burgers and scrambled eggs up his arse next time he makes them?

Washing up is a whole separate category I realise.

When I married my second husband he made the error of announcing "I've washed up for you" and reaped the whirlwind that followed - never said it again. (Several hours of "It's not my washing up it's OURS cos we've BOTH EATEN tends to do that).

Sadly he departed this mortal coil some time ago,time passed and I've been lucky enough to find another lovely fella. Determined to train him appropriately I explained my previous conversation with my dear departed in a (I have to admit) somewhat po faced manner. May also have thrown in a side essay about my feminist leanings and societal expectations of women.

He washed up after our first meal together, stood to attention in front of me and announced "I've washed up. For You"

There was a long long silence then I cracked up laughing, commended him on his bravery and when either of us wash up we always say we've done it "for you".

I think he's a keeper.

I think on balance I would rather someone NEVER cook than have to deal with some of this utter bollox. I am having murderous thoughts reading it, I dont know how you live it.

@theleafandnotthetree

I think on balance I would rather someone NEVER cook than have to deal with some of this utter bollox. I am having murderous thoughts reading it, I dont know how you live it.

Same here. When I was dating and ran into this type of bollocks, it was game over.

Ha! I'm getting adverts for fancy cleavers next to this now!

DH likes to performance cook. His range is very limited, but the performance part concerns wanting to do it at least once when guests are here, and never otherwise. And he needs to specify loads of help with prep and an army of tidiers and dishwasher stackers for the shocking mess afterwards.

I think the frustrating this is that cooking a meal and doing the washing or clearing up afterwards, on the surface, could be seen as 2 equitable chores.
Except that browsing a recipe book, gathering ingredients and spending an hour or 2 cooking, with music or sport of your choice on the radio, and enjoying a bottle glass of wine, whilst using every utensil ever invented, is in no way comparable to the prospect of a grease spattered hob, half used ingredients to put away, screwed up dish cloths and a mountain of washing up.

Well that's what to say to the would-be cook and why you don't agree to do the cleaning up after such a performance.

Quick update:
Sausage maker & vacuum sealer arrived this week. Tape measure currently being used.

Paella two hours in execution twenty minutes at the dinner table mansplaining it to DS and girlfriend, I couldn't get a word in so gave up and tidied the kitchen 🙄

May also have thrown in a side essay about my feminist leanings and societal expectations of women.

good to get it out of the way at the start!

To be fair, paella does take at least an hour to do properly. So two hours isn't THAT extraordinary. 20 minutes mansplaining at the dinner table is not forgivable though.

Oh god yes " I've washed up/ dried up / brought the washing in / fed the dog FOR YOU"
Makes me feel stabby, and I never let it lie.