Male performative cooking, it’s a thing isn’t it?

[Beeth0ven]

Characterised by:

Weekly cadence
Complex recipes (often involving trips to specialist shops to source)
While day needed (or substantial park of the day) to cook
Low engagement with wider family during process
No expectation of clearing up afterwards, despite WILD amount of mess

Has anyone else observed this? Has it been widely discussed on here?

Yeah, so classic, adult males behaving like overblown toddlers.

I just love this thread

It reminds me of my family member's cooking. Thank you to everyone who has contributed

I've just thought of another one - he has an obsession with 'perfecting' tea. Because I make the best tea. I know it, and he knows it. He can't stand it. He loves my tea but he thinks I don't love his as much (I don't! ) He's interrogated me on my tea making, I told him to swirl and squeeze the bag before putting the milk in and the first time he tried to copy it he got his stopwatch out to find out the 'best' length of time to swirl and squeeze!

Why does everything have to involve a stop watch? Omg! I kept quiet and pretended not to notice his utter twattiness.

And he gets upset when I don't drink every single drop and praise him on his tea. I daren't tell him if it's too scummy from taking so long or I'll get the big sulk. It's supposed to be relaxing but it's such a long, anxiety-filled palava whenever he does it!

I don't recognise any of this.

Mine just cooks. Rarely glances twice at a recipe, if he uses one at all, and judges quantities by eye. I've never seen him use a stopwatch or timer and he's not too proud to ask for help if he gets in a guddle.

"kitchenwanking" 🤣🤣🤣

Ah, I have a spoony fucker! So annoying!!!

Spoony fucker here......

Are these epicurean gods also concerned about maintaining the integrity of the pots and pans? Non-stick cannot be introduced to metal utensils, and metal pans may not be scratched with sharp metal item.
Fundamentals of cooking.

@GetupSeanItsDoleDay

Let's not forget the porn style groans of utter pleasure as he eats each and every mouthful. Each one intercepted with the same statement over and over again. "Beautiful dinner, beautiful. Everyone enjoying their dinner".

It's the spuds that make him reach orgasmic levels of joys. My rice/pasta efforts aren't a "proper" dinner.

OMG this.

I didn't realise it was an actual thing until I read this thread! Thought it was just my DP.

ANYTHING he cooks (and yes they are things that take an eleborate amount of time, involve ingredients you can't get at tesco and he makes sure everyone knows he is cooking), he makes loud yummy sounds at throughout the entire thing.

Ok, so can't expect yummy orgasmic noises at a mid-week sausage and mash, but if I've taken 3 hours to prepare a 3 course incredible feast for him on date night, the sounds are still not as loud as when he has cooked something.

And the spuds. He would insist to me (during the first year of dating) how incredible his roast spuds were. After boast 117, and me having yet to experience the joy of tasting said spuds, I suggested I''d like to try these incredible spuds.
2 years later (and him STILL not having roasted any) he has told me that in fact my spuds are actually as good as the ones he makes.

DH ticks off most of the things in this thread - he is obsessed with the meat thermometer!

Once for a date night I did steak with creamy garlic mash and homemade some chocolate pots of mousse for desert and I actually surprised myself at how well it turned out.

Reader, not one compliment passed his lips. He was genuinely annoyed that I had done so well! I think it irritated him to eat it.

Oh, he insists the best mash is made with a potato ricer too.

@Pan2

Spoony fucker here......

Are these epicurean gods also concerned about maintaining the integrity of the pots and pans? Non-stick cannot be introduced to metal utensils, and metal pans may not be scratched with sharp metal item.
Fundamentals of cooking.

Actually, funnily enough, I did sadly have to have THAT conversation with DC recently. DC had mashed potato in one of my lovely colourful melamine bowls that I have lovingly used since before they were born. It is all scratched and wont ever be quite the same. I stayed calm, but it was tricky. (Particularly as my mash is better anyway, made in the long-used ikea plastic bowl with lashings of butter, cream, salt and pepper - ground with a smirk, at an angle - helps the flavour!)

I often get a lecture guide, sometimes backed up with instructions found on google, on how to correctly wash and season the frying pan and wok. Since I do 99% of the washing up (or loading/unloading dishwasher) including all the chopping boards, roasting trays, prep bowls and everything else, I feign ignorance and leave these for the expert !

My Dad...It was in the days of the galloping gourmet.
He did actually get very good. We still make Dads version of Spaghetti Bolognaise now, 30 years after he died. He also made a great Coq au vin and Beef Bourginon. He always did eggs benedict and devilled kidneys on Christmas morning.
Mum cleaned up though and did everything else!!
DH is a good cook, but clears up too so I'm not complaining!

Potato ricer yep ours disappeared in the house move, he mentioned it only the other day. 😂

I have found my people.

Potato ricer of course
How could I forget
Giant, impractical implement - impossible to store in normal size drawers; too many pieces.

@macaronirabbit

I often get a lecture guide, sometimes backed up with instructions found on google, on how to correctly wash and season the frying pan and wok. Since I do 99% of the washing up (or loading/unloading dishwasher) including all the chopping boards, roasting trays, prep bowls and everything else, I feign ignorance and leave these for the expert !

I got one of those from my daughter the other day. Spent ages telling me how I should look after my cast iron pans. I don't think she was getting to telling me to do it by moonlight using distilled water but it was getting close. I smiled. I nodded. Then put the things in the dishwasher like I always do. My fucking pans. I'll wash them how I want.

And I made pasta last night. Flour. Eggs. Water. Mix Mill. Boil. Eat. Then I put the pasta machine in the dishwasher too.

Life is just too short for spoony wankery.

(I'm a man BTW.)

Me, making a salad - just chop stuff up and put it into the salad bowl as I go along.

I don't even use a chopping board for a lot of things---just cut with an angled knife straight into the bowl or pan, or snip up with scissors.

I have never forgotten the male chef idiot who wrote some comment in a Sunday supplement sneering about kitchen scissors. "They're for housewives," he jeered. Fuck off, mate. I'm not a housewife, but the housewives I do know are mostly really good at cooking!

What's wrong with prep bowls?

It depends on what is being cooked and how many bowls are needed.

I've spent most of my life living alone but I have come across this wankery.

If I'm making something that needs a few spices I may use a ramekin to put the teaspoon of salt, 1/2 teaspoon of Cumin, 2 teaspoons of chilli in and then add the mix to what I'm cooking.

Wanky prep bowl involves a bowl for each individual spice, then pouring them into a new clean bowl to mix before putting them in the meal.

Wanky cooking also involves journeys to places like Chinese supermarkets to buy the same brand of water chestnut you can get in Tesco (I have an aunt who used to do this, she also sent us a postcard from a self catering holiday telling us how good the food was).

This is different to going to a specialist for something you cannot get in Tesco or buying something you see in passing that is a bit unusual eg duck's eggs.

now i'm Indian and I have a BUCKET-LOAD of turmeric LOL have you relabeled it haldi? I was once dating someone who did the wanky food prep, but was befuddled by my jars of haldi and jeera

I love wanky prep bowls . There’s a really nice biscuit I make which has a dozen ingredients (oats, sesame seeds, lsa, coconut, nut butter etc etc and then you pour everything into melted butter and things and it’s just pleasantly enjoyable emptying my little wanky bowls into the big saucepan (obviously doing a silent commentary in my head at the same time).

I do clear up though!

@Doje

And it's usually followed with a self congratulatory "oooh, that was really nice, wasn't it?". With regular reminders throughout the month / year(s) "Those pasties/pie/cake I made that time, they were AMAZING weren't they". 🤣

Totally this! Also the performance washing up of 2 bowls which should have gone in the dishwasher, ignoring the rest of the kitchen with a "I washed up for you" statement needing applause at the end

@macaronirabbit

This also leads to them standing in the kitchen making 'useful' comments about a meal you have made 1000 times before.

Despite the fact that I cook on a very regular basis, DH always has to faff about with slightly alter the gas level while I am cooking, or give something a stir, sprinkle a bit of salt into it etc. I think he just does it to annoy me now! 😂

This - spoonfuckery!

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Not in my house. Its the same recipe over and over which I MUST be grateful for.

I worked with a woman whose husband made tuna pasta bake (obligatory crushed-crisps topping) once every couple of weeks. It invariably gave her the shits every time they ate it but she would never tell him because it was the only thing he could cook and the only way she got a night off the cooking. Bless her. It was a standing joke in the office

OMG I think this is me and DS. DH is a good plain cook, with a limited repertoire and used to do most of the weekday cooking. But in lockdown I've been doing more, helped by my lovely assistant. We do leave a mess, and do cook fancier (and nicer, because Yotam is a genius) food. I will try for us to mend our ways, and at least tidy up as we go along.

It sounds like you lot are all married to my dad, you poor things. My OH is a normal person who will cook if needed/wanted without any fuss. I think it's a generational thing. Old men whose mothers did everything at home seem to think they have developed a unique talent to cook the dinner. Fuck that, I couldn't live with it.

There's leaving a mess, then tidying it up yourself afterwards and there's leaving a mess for someone else to clean up. That's the part I do not understand - why anyone would agree to clean up someone else's monumental cooking mess.