As I've been referred to as "annoying" and "a martyr" for staying in this marriage and to "stop complaining", I felt I owed the thread a back story. I have been attempting to leave this marriage for some time. Unfortunately it took having a baby with this man for me to realise how abusive he is and has been for many years. My justification for staying has always been "at least he doesn't hit me" (although he did threaten to once), which now I know is bonkers.
I have liaised with a Family Solicitor, Refuge and Women's Aid. I have a housing application underway in my sole name. I sell whatever I can on Facebook to get spare money to put away to help me leave. I have a bag packed under the stairs so I can leave quickly if I need to. I have got keys cut for my mum's home so that I can flee there, should the need arise.
I grew up with alcoholic parents who argued constantly, who have never told me they loved me, have never hugged me, and I was bullied throughout school. I only mention this not for sympathy but to explain why my self esteem and confidence is so low. I read self help books, I do online courses, I watch videos, all to try and help myself to gain confidence and ultimately to leave, but I am frightened as "D"H has subtly threatened that if I left with DS, that he would ensure I went into debt and he would try to take DS from me. I appreciate that it is easy to say "why don't you just leave" and maybe it seems easy to an outsider, but the reality can be very different.
Last night DH tried to start an argument and then gave me silent treatment because I'd got some grated carrot in the sink, just to give a random example of his behaviour. I know I need to leave, and as soon as my housing application goes through, I will start to do so.