Arseholes Who've Ruined Groups And Hobbies

[EineReiseDurchDieZeit]

Moved house last year, then COVID happened.

I am CEV and so have done loads of shielding and joining a hobby group I was looking forward to post move hasn't happened but I am on their mailing list. For this specific thing they are my only option locally.

Get emails from the mailing list regularly and having had my interest piqued googled the social media presence of the named sender.

They are clearly an arsehole, a massive, tedious, arsehole with very "set views" which I imagine would need to be agreed with by any incomers, which is not going to happen. (They are a group organiser)

So potentially that's this group out the window...

Which made me think, MNers, were you / have you ever left a group style hobby you really enjoyed because of That One Arsehole and

What did they do? How bad was it?

I joined a sports club partly run by my boss's boyfriend. During a pub meet after a match he let slip he was sleeping with somebody else. Too awkward.

@IrmaFayLear

Oh dear. I’ve tried to join book groups over the years, but every time was told, “Oh, no - we’re friends “ Every time I’ve been really humble and polite but no - closed.

I even went to one at the library but was told I was in someone’s seat, and when I moved was in someone else’s seat. I was hot with embarrassment but couldn’t leave because they’d locked the doors. At half time there was coffee, but when I approached (hanging back to be last) the woman dispensing crisply said that they’d finished now. Needless to say no one spoke to me and I certainly never went back

Ah, the coffee...

I remember when I joined in with decorating a church for Christmas. It was a big place & I was assigned a flat, raised area & told by the head flower arranger to do whatever I fancied there. So I set to, chose a container, & was making an arrangement.

Visible & audible to me were the ladies (using the term in its widest possible meaning) decorating a chapel together next to my area. After a while one produced tea & cake, & not only shared it just with the chapel ladies & not me but took care to make loud comments about how nice it was to have cake & how one needed refreshments.

She then came to look at what I was doing, sighed & said, "Oh, you've used THAT container...". Concerned that I'd done the wrong thing, I asked what I should have done. "Well, usually the X container is used there," - then, with an over-acted air of unconcern she added, "... but it doesn't matter," & flounced off. Bitch. I later asked the head arranger if I should've used X & she said no, she was happy for me to use whatever I wanted to use.

I didn't leave the group at that point. In fact I stayed & progressed through the ranks. That woman made a few unpleasant comments over the years but I soon learned that everyone thought she was 'off'.

Good for you, @ifIwerenotanandroid . I don’t know why some people are so horrid to newcomers. I suppose they could be marking their territory just to warn you not to get any big ideas, but some groups seem to positively dislike any new blood without giving a person a chance. I don’t expect to be welcomed with open arms anywhere, but would appreciate it if people weren’t openly hostile!

I think the issue with book groups is that once they get above a certain number the dynamic really changes. We deliberately keep ours fairly small - think there's about 8 of us - and have a certain way we do things, I wouldn't call it rules but more habits that we've taken on. Also as most of us live on the street - it was meant to be for our street only but we've branched out slightly over the years - there's a bit of local gossip that wouldn't play well if you're not interested.

That could be why it's difficult to break into one.

Oh, I understand that. How do you get to be in at the beginning, though?

Christ, what is it about am-dram. I was in one where a stalwart of the group was cast as the Dame in every panto we did (he did it well). One year, a week before we opened, he phoned the director to say that he would not be able to take part as he had been arrested for child abuse images. The director had to jump in and take his place and I had to take the lead in all of our scenes as I had the most scenes with him as he was off book but not confident about it. The ex-Dame did go to prison for a short time and we never heard from him again. I assume he left the area as his picture was in the paper (a pillar of the community)

Two in our local group were arrested over child abuse images, over a period of five years and completely separate.

The being told off for drinking wine at book club would have annoyed me too. Fair enough if every week but for a one off would have seen me leave. Like being at school.

@IrmaFayLear I set up my own street book club after not being allowed to join the one for the street beside us. Paid DS and his pal 50p to drop in notes with my email address.

oh lord, we had a perfectly lovely book group with 6-8 people. Someone left and I asked if I could add my friend - she came, everyone was lovely and she fitted in perfectly. Now someone else has moved and another member asked if her friend (a man, although that shouldn't matter) could come. We've now had a couple of sessions and he is UNBEARABLE! So patronising ("that's an intelligent observation, Jane") and tries to 'chair' the meeting like a committee. We've lost all the female joking and camaraderie. I'm so sad.

I started my own book club because I couldn't find one when I moved. Sadly they didn't want to meet in each other's houses so met in a pub, but it was a drive for us all, so no drinking. After the first couple, the book choices all became books I didn't want to read, and then I couldn't make the regular meeting night because of a work clash, and no one wanted to change it.

It's still a happy book club, and I'm still on the WhatsApp group, but I managed to end up pretty much leaving my own group! No hard feelings at all though - book clubs develop an existence of their own I think. No friendships were spoilt.

I honestly believe I’m an arsehole magnet, because every group I’ve ever joined has been horrid! Even the ante-natal group was awful. Boastful people and I left every week feeling tearful and worried. The group leader said afterwards she felt sorry for me because all her other groups were lovely and this one was dominated by dreadful couples. Story of my life! Other people always seem to make great friends at evening classes/activities and my group is populated by unfriendly types or even unpleasant ones

I started a book club for local mums and it was lovely, fun and kind - all serious readers but also liked a laugh with a glass of wine. It was my happy place, we would meet and it would replenish my soul.

I made the mistake of inviting a new person to the group before I got to know her. She ruined it. Dominated the group and wasn't a reader at all. She'd keep talking about SATs or tutoring - conversations which I can have every single day at the school gate. I started a book club to talk about books! She would make pass-agg digs about other members and their children and cry about her personal dramas. 3 members left as a result.

I started a splinter group and every single original member joined me and we never told the arsehole. She must have thought the book club petered out.... I am now extremely particular about who I invite to join.

@shinynewapple21

In what context , *@Petlover9* ?

If it's to do with Covid, shielding and vaccinations it's clinically extremely vulnerable

Not sure if that's what you are asking on this thread ?

Probably because the OP said:

I am CEV and so have done loads of shielding and joining a hobby group, @shinynewapple21.

@Irmafaylear

I hope I didn't give the impression ours was a cliquey book group? We are all friends and a very small group who meet in our very small homes! There would not be room for anyone else! I met one of them at Slimming World and am glad I got to meet them all as they are now my friends.

No, I fully understand that many book groups are really groups of friends reading books (chatting and quaffing wine!) and of course it would be awfully tone deaf to try to bust in on one of those.

Ah ok @ShagMeRiggins I've read a few pages since the OP so missed the connection. Thanks

@shinynewapple21

Ah ok *@ShagMeRiggins* I've read a few pages since the OP so missed the connection. Thanks

No worries. I forgot my grin emoji at the end.

The pedo am-dram chair, I'm slightly taking the piss in saying he casually announced it. I think he was legally obligated to disclose since there are kids around.

Am-drams are weird though. I was a member of one as a college student which was so cliquey and very nice to your face, hostile behind your back.

I remember one older woman marching up to me in front of everyone and loudly announcing, "Oh you never wear a bra do you, Rainy?" No because I'm young, an A-cup, and so pert I could take someone's eye out lying down. I don't judge you for needing a wheelbarrow for your tits, Edna, so leave my body alone. (I wore like baggy t-shirts and jumpers, not bikini tops not that it matters.)

I also brought in both homebaked flapjacks and a nice supermarket cake for the last night because we'd been told to bake things, the feral 10-year-old sons of the lead actress gobbled all the icing off the centre of the cake with their bare hands before anyone else could touch it. Then got arsey and tried to act like me saying "yes I baked them myself" (obv about the flapjacks) was me pretending I'd baked the cake which was literally in a M&S box.

Went to audition for the next show and was told I wasn't allowed to audition because I'd not followed some byzantine bit of paperwork or other, who knows. Their loss.

This thread reminds me of a martial arts class I joined when I moved to a new town in my late 20s. Had never done any sort of martial arts before, I vaguely fancied having a go although I was a bit apprehensive that it would be full of experts and I'd be a foot shorter than them.
It was full of experts - who were indeed about a foot taller than me - and were universally lovely. They helped me with the techniques, weren't picky about my total lack of coordination, and nobody had any eye rolling at sparring with the lone beginner when it got to that section of the class.
For about a month I really enjoyed it, until three more novices arrived. Heaven alone knows why they joined - they didn't like doing any of the moves, giggled and simpered their way through all the group practice without actually moving much ('it's so haaaaard...') and made such a deal about not wanting to be separated in the sparring sessions that it screwed up the numbers. When one of them was paired with me (which was often, as I was a similar height), she made such a fuss about it and point-blank refused to do anything apart from giggle at the instructor with a plea for more help, that I was often left on my own doing vague kicks to pass the time while she monopolised the instructor and didn't do anything else.
I think the instructor tried his best to compromise, but since they all demanded both his attention and everyone else's, it just became too irritating to stay. Shame really.

@CosyAcorn, the group wouldn't be dedicated to a certain author would it? Just Jessica rings a bell with me ..

@Daleksatemyshed it is based around a geeky blogger living in Florida. Think Jessica is American too

@CosyAcorn different group then, obviously every group must have one

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Not surprised to read of the horrors of the knitting groups. Allegedly quite a few of them have been overtaken by the wokerati who give people a horrible time when they don't engage in some of their finger-pointing and cancel culture.

Google 'Kate Davies controversy'. She turned to designing patterns and turning out knitting creations (very talented she is too) after a stroke ended her academic career. She had some of these vultures try to destroy her career and business after she refused to join their furious ravings against anyone they deemed guilty of 'wrongthink'. I couldn't believe the shitstorm I was reading - this, over knitting?

Her work is beautiful. She was on the usual media platforms as - a knitter: an activity I'd previously thought must be one of the most peaceable hobbies going.

Obviously, I was wrong.

That article with the woman who went to India and promptly got bombarded with a load of racism allegations because she said she was anxious about going because it's so culturally different to America WHICH. IT. IS. had me feeling like I was in uncanny valley. I asked many people what exactly was racist about the article and got lots of responses using words like "exotifying" without any specifics about what the actual problem was. Wouldn't you expect an Indian person to feel the same way in America? That's what started out the whole thing and now it's just a race to have the hottest take.

There was a mentally ill lad who wrote an ill-informed poem... I didn't agree with his take but it was blown way out of proportion and culminated in a blow up at Yarningham in Birmingham which happened right in front of me. I didn't see it building up and had no idea what was going on at the time, I looked it up after the fact. The lies that spread about what actually happened were unbelievable. He seemed to have bi-polar disorder from context and was going through a manic period and went to hospital that night, but still got hounded and harangued on social media.

DH is Asian and we're tired of going into knitting shops and having 'racism in the knitting community' brought up by the owner when we're just trying to pick out some sock yarn. Apparently the guilt and need to virtue signal is very strong right now. I don't know what is special about knitting that caused such a stranglehold on the hobby.

I don't know what is special about knitting that caused such a stranglehold on the hobby.

I think it's because Ravelry's so woke and it's such a huge online community. Some of the forum threads seem like a competition to see who's wokest (looking at you, LSG). And the founder, who was much admired for having produced such a great website, announced that they were now a trans woman and it all became a purity spiral.

@ThatLibraryMiss

I don't know what is special about knitting that caused such a stranglehold on the hobby.

I think it's because Ravelry's so woke and it's such a huge online community. Some of the forum threads seem like a competition to see who's wokest (looking at you, LSG). And the founder, who was much admired for having produced such a great website, announced that they were now a trans woman and it all became a purity spiral.

I've noticed that the hot takes on racism are much more prolific than gender identity - having said that I remember after JKR's open letter, ravelry self-immolated.

Were you there when everyone formed an opinion on whether their new website design was triggering epileptic seizures?