Arseholes Who've Ruined Groups And Hobbies

[EineReiseDurchDieZeit]

Moved house last year, then COVID happened.

I am CEV and so have done loads of shielding and joining a hobby group I was looking forward to post move hasn't happened but I am on their mailing list. For this specific thing they are my only option locally.

Get emails from the mailing list regularly and having had my interest piqued googled the social media presence of the named sender.

They are clearly an arsehole, a massive, tedious, arsehole with very "set views" which I imagine would need to be agreed with by any incomers, which is not going to happen. (They are a group organiser)

So potentially that's this group out the window...

Which made me think, MNers, were you / have you ever left a group style hobby you really enjoyed because of That One Arsehole and

What did they do? How bad was it?

You haven't lived until you've been a volunteer parent chaperone at your local dance school's annual show

One of my children had just started at a local dance studio. There was a show at the end of term. There was a notice about parent helpers behaviour which I presume was because of the previous years behaviour. It read something like

Behind Stage
No smoking
No alcohol
No fighting
You are there to help all children get ready not just your own.

We had a parent helper at our playscheme who was such a nightmare that several other volunteers left. She was only there for one week!

She also got so spiteful after being asked to leave I know a number of people were reluctant to send their children for a while because of the rumours she started.

I could write a book about some of her "helpful suggestions".

@Bythemillpond We have very specifically listed things on our day trip parent helper form that makes most parents look at us like we're mad
"No smoking or drinking alcohol"
"No swearing at other helpers"
"You cannot take your own child to the gift shop/cafe/ice cream van as they are part of the group"
"Children's behaviour will be dealt with by the policies of the playscheme at all times"

The last one is after an incident about 15 years ago (I wasn't around at that point) where a parent heard their child being a bit cheeky to one of the group leaders and belted them across the head. Not only not acceptable anyway, but also looked to bystanders like one of the playscheme leaders had just slapped a child.

I get round the hassle by not allowing parent helpers to be in the same group as their own child.

The leader made it quite plain we were not their type, not middle class or self important enough. Yes a proper arsehole.

Wow what fun!

@Crackerofdoom

I used to go to a yoga class where an older guy used to go. He liked to cross dress which isn't a problem in itself at all but his outfits became increasingly inappropriate for yoga.

The last straw was when I spent a session behind him wearing a black negligé, fishnet tights and no underpants.

The poor teacher had to ask him to reign in his outfits in future. He never came back...

😂😂😂

I moved to a new area and was pleased to find it had a rather good music group. Very welcoming to me and helped me get back up to standard after many years not playing my instrument.

Young woman moves into area and joins. Great to have some young blood. Except she promptly sleeps with several male members, starts spreading false gossip about other female members, latches on to some others with loads of virtual signalling on the group’s online noticeboard about what a great mate she is and generally caused loads of ill feeling. She’s moving shortly and I will be quite pleased to not have all the drama. I just want to play music.

I'm a member of a local camera club. It has a reputation as being cliquey but it's not something I've ever noticed in the 4 ish years I've been going. There are a lot of men there but I've never found them to be anything other than friendly and supportive (apart from one bloke: the professional photographer who comes occasionally with a model and lights and we all have a go at taking the same photo of her. I don't attend these evenings any more.)

About 10-15 years ago (I think) the club nearly folded though because of the competition secretary at the time. He had very strong views about the types of photograph that could be entered into any competition and would angrily reject those that didn't match his ideals. He was passionate about nature and wildlife photography and hated photoshop so much that he refused to accept any edited images at all in any competition and would shout down anyone who disagreed. Members left in droves and, as I said earlier, the club almost folded.

This was a long time before I joined but he was so difficult and awkward he is legendary: there is now an annual competition named in his "honour" where the only subject is a specific type of wildlife and the only editing allowed is white balance correction, sharpening and noise reduction, exposure correction and cropping.

I was thinking about trying to get an allotment but from the many comments on here about annoying people on allotments I think i will give that idea a miss!

I am part of a running club which is super friendly and inclusive so they do exist... the other one locally takes itself a bit seriously tho tbh and I could imagine some of these comments being about them 😭

The3rdWatermelon

(Scratching head). So, let me see if I have this right? Roy was a social worker in the 80's? Is that right?

I was a member of a membership group, think WI but not WI, and four of us stopped off at a pub on the way back from an event. One of the four was the group secretary. As we quaffed our wine, conversation turned to an upcoming event and we got chatting about what we might do, what might make it fun, etc. Suddenly, the secretary slapped her hand and the table and declared "We cannot discuss this, we're not quorate!"

@Bargebill19 Sorry to sound callous, but your comment really made me laugh out loud. That woman sounds like a lunatic! Was it the knitting or the conversation that had to incorporate penguins? Thankyou for the giggle this morning :-)

Ah, Meet-up writing groups....

I saw one and sent a very polite grovelling email asking if I might join. The reply! I was told that they were serious writers, that they had no spaces nor would they have any in the future, and that if I wanted to write I should pay for local council evening class. That was me told . They knew nothing about me too.

The worrying thing is some mumsnetters may be married/living with Roy/Barry/Dave or might be arseholes themselves!

I joined a bookclub and was told it was only open to women and was glad of that as no doubt some 'Roy' would be along to completely change things! We don't invite new members, we have just enough room to sit around a table. drinking tea. We are not very organised and often don't think to talk about books until we are about to go! We don't all read the same book and some of us do not read a number of books! We just love getting together!

Oh dear. I’ve tried to join book groups over the years, but every time was told, “Oh, no - we’re friends “ Every time I’ve been really humble and polite but no - closed.

I even went to one at the library but was told I was in someone’s seat, and when I moved was in someone else’s seat. I was hot with embarrassment but couldn’t leave because they’d locked the doors. At half time there was coffee, but when I approached (hanging back to be last) the woman dispensing crisply said that they’d finished now. Needless to say no one spoke to me and I certainly never went back

IrmaFayLear
I would have replied that's a shame as a published author I was thinking I could have some input.
And blocked the fecker

@wishingitwasfriday

I moved to a new area and joined a women's beginners cycling club. Was great, until a man joined. He didn't want to be in the men's cycling club as it was too fast and competitive but he then proceeded to try and speed up each ride meaning that our nice gentle club for beginners who wanted a ride and chat disappeared. He would cycle ahead to the top of the hill. He was then waiting for us and once we got to the top he would lead the group to cycle on, meaning no rest for those at the back. I gave up and have barely cycled since.

That is so , so sad that this man put you off.

IF he had been a good rider, he'd have been encouraging and supportive.

I had a birthday treat at a Mountain bike centre in Forest of Dean, and the experienced one on one leader was so good, tailored the ride to my poor level of fitness, yet pushed and encouraged when he thought I could do it. It was exhilarating and great fun.

''Groups'' though can be really problematic, egos flying about &c.

One on one is much better if possible.

Hopefully you can begin to ride again?

@blackbettybramblejam

Over eaters anonymous meetings. I got a lot out of them but one woman was really overbearing and intensely controlling so all that was left to do was leave.

Oh yeah, at Fatties United, the one guy who would go on in detail about every meal he had, how much exercise he's done. How easy it was because all you have to do is not eat doughnuts. How his work is going, some crappy anecdote about when he was down the pub and he just had water and a slice of lemon....His latest holiday, next holiday etc....

@IrmaFayLear

Oh dear. I’ve tried to join book groups over the years, but every time was told, “Oh, no - we’re friends “ Every time I’ve been really humble and polite but no - closed.

I even went to one at the library but was told I was in someone’s seat, and when I moved was in someone else’s seat. I was hot with embarrassment but couldn’t leave because they’d locked the doors. At half time there was coffee, but when I approached (hanging back to be last) the woman dispensing crisply said that they’d finished now. Needless to say no one spoke to me and I certainly never went back

This level of rudeness is unfathomable to me. I wonder, without trying to stir a hornets nest, is there a cultural aspect to this. I'm Irish, living in rural Ireland and I think not least - or maybe because - it's a small country, with one degree of seperation between people - I think it very unlikely that a whole group would behave like that. Maybe one person but....Apart from anything else, you'd be mortified if she turned out to be your neighbour's cousins daughter or something and you'd forever have a bad name for rudeness. I'm so sorry this happened to you, you sound lovely and I'd have you in my book club any time!

Thank you

People are quite unfriendly round here. In 17 years I’ve spoken to our neighbours maybe three times. When we moved in I went round and introduced myself to one side, and she said, “Hmmph, I was so disappointed when I heard a family was moving in”. Well, at least she was honest! Her dh also threatened to call the police when ds had a party. I would have liked to have seen the police’s faces when they charged in to break up a rave at 3 o’clock in the afternoon and found 12 8-year-olds in Star Wars costumes....

@IrmaFayLear

Thank you

People are quite unfriendly round here. In 17 years I’ve spoken to our neighbours maybe three times. When we moved in I went round and introduced myself to one side, and she said, “Hmmph, I was so disappointed when I heard a family was moving in”. Well, at least she was honest! Her dh also threatened to call the police when ds had a party. I would have liked to have seen the police’s faces when they charged in to break up a rave at 3 o’clock in the afternoon and found 12 8-year-olds in Star Wars costumes....

That actually makes me wish he had called the police on you! Can you imagine their faces? 🤣

@IrmaFayLear

Ah, Meet-up writing groups....

I saw one and sent a very polite grovelling email asking if I might join. The reply! I was told that they were serious writers, that they had no spaces nor would they have any in the future, and that if I wanted to write I should pay for local council evening class. That was me told . They knew nothing about me too.

Sounds familiar.

I ran a writer's group and we would take it in turns to meet at members' houses. At one meeting, the members drank a bottle of wine each and I had to help one of them, who was staggering into the road, home.

I sent an email asking if we could keep drinks out of the meetings and got a response saying, "This isn't FUCKING IRAN!"

I joined a local photography FB group where photos can get chosen for the local paper (one of mine was printed once!!).

There was a terrible furore during the last lockdown over whether you could stop and take photos during your daily walks, and how far you could travel... one man in particular 'Kevin' got really irate & said nature photography should continue as it helps mental health & this created Covid conflict so he threatened to flounce.

Now 'Kevin' has used nature photography to help him over his mental illness & has been published several times plus been on radio etc.
So each time he put a photo on the FB group it would be accompanied by a (longer & longer each time) spiel about mental health.
Some of the other male group members got angry at this & said it's a photography group not a therapy group.
Arguments ensued then Kevin really did flounce - which was a shame really.
But I know he's on other groups so he's ok.

So sorry for those who have had sporting experiences ruined by misogynistic men
A man in a woman’s cycling club? And nobody challenged him? As for the pervs in the gym, someone needs to take them to task.
My tale is similar, it involves a local running club where I am the only female (voluntary!) run leader. Feedback from the beginners group wasn’t good. The men were running it and about 60% of new recruits were not turning up again. So I rocked up to see what on earth was going on. One of the coaches, upon seeing me shouted “Hi Slummy great to see you. Now you’re here would you mind leading these slower ladies over here”. Slower ladies looked mortified. And despite my gentle encouragement they didn’t return. 😕 So I put together a “plan of action” which I took to our next leaders meeting which included modifying language to be more inclusive...for example who wants to complete a Couch to 5k to be put in a group called “Slow Runners”? We need to be steady...or improvers!! Needless to say I was laughed out, patted on my head and sent on my way!
And don’t get me started on mass participation sports. I’m pushing 50 and look like I eat marathons (now Snickers!) on a regular basis, not run them. Plus wearing Lycra makes you fair game. So you always get the mansplainer in your starting pek telling you, “if this was my first marathon I’d blah blah blah”. Or make some comment about my needing a well made sports bra. Men....gaaah....they need to fuck off!!!

Oh yes and a group therapy session I attended run by the local Community Mental Health Team was unfortunately spoilt by the actual Peer Leader.

The idea is that you attend sessions relevant to your illness taught by a CPN & a Peer Leader who has lived experience of the problems.
This session was about 'Coping with Unusual Experiences' attended by mostly people with Schizoaffective disorder like me or Schizophrenia.
The Peer Leader 'Karen' had Bipolar 1, and suffered psychosis when she was manic.

Now I take my meds every day & on the whole function well with breakthrough psychotic symptoms only when tired & stressed. I even work pt in a hospital.
But most of the attendees didn't take their meds, smoked weed or drank too much, etc & were quite unwell, some had regular Police involvement.
They were desperate for help but too ill to trust doctors.
The older man sat next to me was a drinker & very cynical.

So we were expecting someone to explain our psychosis which was NOT what we got... instead we basically got the long and personal story of Karen the Peer Leader's descent into madness, her symptoms, hee marriage, her triggers etc etc - the man next to me walked out saying "this is just one person's personal therapy session".
And it was.

I wasted a whole day learning about Karen's life.

The only lesson I took from the group session was to keep taking my meds, because seriously I didn't want to end up as poorly as the others.

I am in a bird watching group. Only the men are ever correct

This reminds me of a group walk I did where the conversation between me (aged in 30s then) and a man in his 60s got on to a flock of black birds in a field we were passing. I said they were Jackdaws and that I’d had a flock of about 30 on my lawn just a few days before. He was adamant that I must’ve been mistaken, that the ones on my lawn can’t have been Jackdaws because they don’t hang out in large flocks, and that the ones in the field we were passing also weren’t Jackdaws. Thing is, at uni, I studied the niches of Covids, so funny enough I’m pretty good at identifying the birds in that family 🙄 They were effin' Jackdaws mate!