Would you judge someone for having a third child now?

[Somanythingsonmywindowsill]

Would love a third child, can afford it and think on balance it will benefit our two young DC. DH is equally keen

But I can't help worrying that it would be wrong for environmental reasons etc and wonder if others would think that if we did have a third DC. I do also worry about whether it would take time and resources from existing children if things suddenly majorly changed, though we have life insurance and illness cover etc and are otherwise financially stable

On more anxious moments I even wonder about a dystopian future where third or later children had to be handed over to the state - but of course I know I'm being ridiculous really

Of course not.

Have you thought of getting help for your anxiety?

What I always say on these threads is that having 3 small children is a whole different proposition to having 3 teenagers. Fast forward a bit-what do things look like then?

Not sure about your last paragraph but that wouldn't be a reason not to have a third.

Crumbs, you're overthinking this! Have a baby.

I’m not sure it would benefit the other DC as subsequent children means less time, less money etc so I’d take that part out of the equation.

Environmentally it’s not great. Depends on your stance on that.

Finance wise, if you could support three on your salary alone should something happen and have a career that is stable in the current climate and have decent savings then its your decision to make.

I’d not want to be putting more strain on the nhs during a pandemic for something that’s a choice nor would I want to be in and out of hospital with the virus still very much with us as my existing children would come first and need their parents.

Well it’s too late for me if that’s the case I’m very pregnant with DC3. A surprise pregnancy and I’ll be honest, sometimes I feel a bit awkward about it all but that’s just me being way too self-involved.

Of course not..
If you and your dh both want a 3rd child, and - as you say - you can afford it, then what's to judge ?

It's lovely having 3, and quite frankly, nothing to do with anyone else. I wouldn't be particularly worried about offending someone who held opinions that were so "judge-y" either.

Not as long as they don't bang on about the environment , encourage Friday truant etc etc.

Of course not.

Seriously, how do you think 'it would benefit' your two younger DC to have a third?

Personally I would judge, obviously I wouldn't say anything, but I find it hard to understand why people choose to have more than two children. But equally, I understand that many people wouldn't understand why I chose to have only one child.

I would.

I think you need to find a way to combat your anxiety before you choose to have another child.

Thanks, pleasantly surprised by these replies. If we did it would be in about a year and depend on where we are at career wise (and pandemic wise I guess!)

@Sparklingbrook I think I might have read one of your replies before! Someone had said think forwards 10/15 years and imagine the dinner table then and is it still appealing? I think the answer is yes, although I expect the teenage years to be difficult in general.

I suppose it's difficult to say whether it will benefit existing DC, I'd like to think they will ultimately enjoy having another brother or sister although I'm not so naive as to imagine that would definitely be the case. I do worry a bit about it taking time and money from them - one thing is how would we manage getting to all their different hobbies if they want them?

We're also very aware that another child may have additional needs

@Ragwort cross posted with you. I can absolutely understand why you'd chose to have one child, and deliberated over a second for similar reasons.

I think it's reasonable to think that children can benefit from having brothers or sisters, just as I can see why it may benefit them to be an only for other reasons. I am an only child, my husband is one of three, so we have had completely different family dynamics which we've discussed

I don't judge people for it, but I do think more than 2 children is negative for the environment. But it's a really personal decision.

As pp have said; It's also going to mean less space in the house, less time and money for your other DC.

Go for it!
I have 3 grown up DC, they all get on, it’s great. I like having a ‘big’ family.

Yes, I would, and frequently do. But it's not really any of my business, is it?

It's not for me. I think having more than one is madness but then I like a quiet life and don't think I could afford to put 3 through university! Your life, if it makes you happy and your existing kids don't mind about it, and you can afford them all then go for it!

@CuteBear oh it's not that bad really. I just take decisions so seriously and think through just about every worst case scenario first including the most bizarre. I can't help it. But it doesn't keep me up at night or anything, and I don't let anything irrational keep me from making good decisions for existing DC

@overwork I suppose in a way it is as the environment affects everyone.

@Somanythingsonmywindowsill

Thanks, pleasantly surprised by these replies. If we did it would be in about a year and depend on where we are at career wise (and pandemic wise I guess!)

@Sparklingbrook I think I might have read one of your replies before! Someone had said think forwards 10/15 years and imagine the dinner table then and is it still appealing? I think the answer is yes, although I expect the teenage years to be difficult in general.

I suppose it's difficult to say whether it will benefit existing DC, I'd like to think they will ultimately enjoy having another brother or sister although I'm not so naive as to imagine that would definitely be the case. I do worry a bit about it taking time and money from them - one thing is how would we manage getting to all their different hobbies if they want them?

We're also very aware that another child may have additional needs

I hope it didn't come across as too doom mongering.

I only ever wanted 2 and once we got into the pre-teen / teen years I knew that it was right for us to not have a third. Doing everything twice was enough.

Difficult decision for you, you sound quite keen, do you have to decide quickly?

The only time I judge is on here when people plainly don't want another child/they think it would ruin their life and they decide to go ahead anyway. But my opinion is irrelevant to other people's life choices.

I have a third child, and when people make comments about the environment, I explain that we have carbon offset against my brother in law, who only has one.

I had dc3 after 6 and 8 years, and she is a joy. I have never judged or commented in my friends who gave 5, 4 , 3, 2 1 or no children, so I expect the same courtesy back.

The thing that is stopping me from having a third is the chance of something going wrong. I have a perfect little family with two healthy babies and I recovered from birth very well. What if we decide to have a third and something goes wrong, the baby is disabled and needs care, I suffer birth injuries or worse?

@Sparklingbrook no, not at all, it's a very big thing I think so important to look to the future

At the moment (through savings and a recent inheritance) we could afford to just about put three through uni for example but then if they wanted to do that, wouldn't have enough saved for help with their house deposits. Of course though we may do by then, but equally everything could go terribly wrong and we could lose everything (it's unlikely but I think this past year has hit home how nothing is certain)

No need for a very quick decision, early and mid 30s, but would probably decide one way or other in next couple of years

It's on my mind because I was watching a programme about climate change

Of course not - and what would the state want with them?

@smeerf I agree with that too, that's another factor