Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Would you judge someone for having a third child now?

155 replies

Somanythingsonmywindowsill · 07/03/2021 18:11

Would love a third child, can afford it and think on balance it will benefit our two young DC. DH is equally keen

But I can't help worrying that it would be wrong for environmental reasons etc and wonder if others would think that if we did have a third DC. I do also worry about whether it would take time and resources from existing children if things suddenly majorly changed, though we have life insurance and illness cover etc and are otherwise financially stable

On more anxious moments I even wonder about a dystopian future where third or later children had to be handed over to the state - but of course I know I'm being ridiculous really

OP posts:
caringcarer · 07/03/2021 20:16

When my parents died I was so thankful I had 4 sisters to share the grief with. I would have hated to deal with it alone. I never minded sharing resources with my sisters ever.

Original poster
Somanythingsonmywindowsill · 07/03/2021 20:16

@SecondBabyGirl I know I know - I see how it reads. I don't really think that would happen, I haven't really explained myself well but it's probably a manifestation of my guilt about considering another child and worried for the future

OP posts:
Significantown · 07/03/2021 20:18

Don’t worry about the judgers. No matter how many children you have, you would always be wrong.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Loopyloututu2 · 07/03/2021 20:18

I have four dc’s and can’t imagine ever feeling the way you do - we wanted another child, we were in a good position to do so, so we did - definitely stopped now at 4. The only thing that would have stopped me having a larger family is lack of money as I want to be able to give them a nice life. Luckily we are very comfortable financially.

But not having a much-wanted third child for worrying about the affect on the environment or thinking they are going to be living in some kind of dystopian future is, to me, bonkers.

WireFan · 07/03/2021 20:22

CarolinaWeeper

@smeerf @TaVeryMuchLove the worry about something going wrong is what stops me too. I just don't think my two children need another sibling and I wouldn't risk anything happening to upset our family dynamic. That and I'm one of four children and I never felt I had individual time from my parents, they were just stretched too far. DH is one of three and says the youngest was always left out of things. But... that's my thoughts about my own decision not to go for number 3.....you do what you feel best.

These are my exact feelings and I've never seen them articulated on MN before. I feel less weird now so thanks for posting.

SwimmingInToys · 07/03/2021 20:25

The world has always been bleak and shit and people still have children. It's how we're programmed. I get the anxiety, I really do. I worry endlessly about my DCs futures, but I also think it's been that way forever.

It has never occured to me to judge someone for how many children they have, and I also don't think it's cut and dried re their effect on the environment. There's plenty a family of any size can do to limit their own environmental impact. Equally you could have two children and be a wasteful dickhead, using single plastic, throwing everything into landfill, flying all over the world, whatever.

As others have said birth rates are falling in the UK, it's been falling in Scotland for a long time with an ever aging population. I really don't see babies being born as a bad thing.

mummyof2lou · 07/03/2021 20:26

People always find a reason to judge. Live your own life, if on balance it's right for your family, then it's noone elses business.

WireFan · 07/03/2021 20:26

Posted too soon...

I see both global population strain worries and also the falling birth rate here in the UK and both worry me in different ways in the longer term.

I love the idea of a larger family once I'm older and they're all grown up and for them hopefully to be a good support to each other BUT the risks that go with each pregnancy and birth feel pretty big to me. We are all shaped by our prior experiences in that respect I suppose. And close adult siblings are not guaranteed. I am reasonably close to my only sibling and my DP isn't really close to either of his. Our siblings are the same gender as us, if that makes any difference.

DIshedUp · 07/03/2021 20:32

Probably the worst thing you can do for the environment is have a child. I wouldn't judge you but if that's a concern for you I probably wouldn't be having a third child

theThreeofWeevils · 07/03/2021 20:39

Why would you care about me, an anonymous stranger, judging you? I feel two children is more than enough; but so what?
I don't think I could contemplate bringing a child - third, first, or sixth - into the world now anyway, because I feel it is comprehensively fucked.

WireFan · 07/03/2021 20:45

I know someone who had their 5th a few weeks ago. Planned. After 4 girls they really wanted a boy and their (odd) wish was granted. It has not been an easy time for them with schools being closed so much and I know they are overjoyed that they're re-opening tomorrow. It's fair to say they are more comfortable with risk than me and even travelled abroad on holiday twice while pregnant in the past year. They don't seem very environmentally concerned in general - frequent holidays abroad and money is no object.

Original poster
Somanythingsonmywindowsill · 07/03/2021 20:49

These replies are all really interesting thank you

Incidentally we have two DC the same sex; it absolutely is not that we are trying for the opposite, I'd genuinely be equally happy to have another the same (maybe even more so!) but I hope that any DC3 wouldn't wonder if we were trying for the opposite and that's why they exist

OP posts:
Carycy · 07/03/2021 20:55

I think most people ( that aren’t on mumsnet ) don’t judge you for having a third child with respect to the environment. I have three and they are a little gang that adore each other. We can afford to provide everything for all three of them luckily. Maybe not private school but everything else like money for hobbies and holidays, university fees, help onto property market when older etc. My main concern is having enough time to devote to them as they develop their own interests. They are three very different people with completely different interests. Luckily they have a hands on dad which is a big must with three.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 07/03/2021 20:57

Just remember so many things like cars and holidays are set up for 2 A and 2C. If you can cope with that hen ho for it.

SwimmingInToys · 07/03/2021 21:09

Why would you care about me, an anonymous stranger, judging you?

Seeking approval from our peers is a normal part of being a human. We don't like to feel that our choices or lifestyle are bad or that they are viewed as such by others. That's part of we mostly comply with social norms.and why we are polite to others.

Some people are more sensitive to it than others but I think it's normal not to want to feel 'judged' for something, especially something as personal and emotive as your children.

One thing I have noticed about 'judgey' people is that they seem to do it to validate their own lives and make themselves feel better about their own choices. But hey, I don't judge them for it Wink

Doomsdayiscoming · 07/03/2021 21:15

@sydenhamhiller

I have a third child, and when people make comments about the environment, I explain that we have carbon offset against my brother in law, who only has one.

I had dc3 after 6 and 8 years, and she is a joy. I have never judged or commented in my friends who gave 5, 4 , 3, 2 1 or no children, so I expect the same courtesy back.

Do you actually say that? haha
Doomsdayiscoming · 07/03/2021 21:18

@WireFan

I know someone who had their 5th a few weeks ago. Planned. After 4 girls they really wanted a boy and their (odd) wish was granted. It has not been an easy time for them with schools being closed so much and I know they are overjoyed that they're re-opening tomorrow. It's fair to say they are more comfortable with risk than me and even travelled abroad on holiday twice while pregnant in the past year. They don't seem very environmentally concerned in general - frequent holidays abroad and money is no object.
I’m sure their children will thank them in a few decades! Not that they’ll be the ones suffering of course.
blowinahoolie · 07/03/2021 21:21

I know a local family who are expecting baby no 9 this year. Well, what else is there to do during a lockdown?😂🤷

notdaddycool · 07/03/2021 21:22

Stop being so woke,m.

Evanna13 · 07/03/2021 21:44

I would not judge you. You sound like a wonderful parent and the fact that you are giving this so much thought and consideration shows that you will bring up all of your children to care for others and for the environment.
I have two children. We did not stop at two for environmental reasons. I debated about a third for a couple of years but in the end we decided against it. Looking back now I am glad we stopped at two. I am such an introvert and I think a third might have sent me over the edge. I love our family of four, it feels right for us.

Greencabin · 07/03/2021 21:46

I really wouldn't give a hoot what anyone else would think if I had a third child - I've seen this come up in threads before on MN and I'm always confused why it would even bother anyone else? The comments about the environment puzzle me too - there are lots of other ways you can help the environment. If you want another baby, can afford one and will provide a loving, safe home...have another baby!

Munkeenut · 07/03/2021 21:48

Id think you were insane because I have 2 and it's just so much work and if we were to go into lockdown again I will crumble.

But if you're into babies then crack on! Screw the environmental reasons - maybe your third will be a scientific genius and find a way to then co2 into cake that them gets eaten and actually is negative calories so it reduces carbon footprint of the other two siblings??

Dustyhedge · 07/03/2021 21:51

3 is very normal. I don’t think anyone would judge you for that and I’m in the camp of knowing I’m absolutely done with 2. I’ve found that from my friendship group, there was a split between two and done and those who always wanted a third. There is obviously the accidental third too but I don’t know any personally. I am relishing each new milestone with my youngest and have no desire to go back, I found the demands of two really hard. Three wouldn’t be right for us but it is a totally normal family unit for many.

blowinahoolie · 07/03/2021 21:51

Large families do have their merits. We need to replace our ageing population. We need more people to keep the economy going. It's short sighted to only focus on the environmental impact.

Marty13 · 07/03/2021 21:52

The "it's bad for other DC" argument has always puzzled me. I grew up with two siblings and was delighted that my parents' attention was not always focused on me. It gave me a bit of space to breathe.
Not sure why MN arbitrarily decided that two is the acceptable number. Or why having one sibling is good for a child but somehow another sibling can't ever bring anything positive. MN works in mysterious ways...

Re the environment, the fertility rate in the UK afaik isn't so high that you're actually causing a strain.

Re the pandemic, people can't stop living forever. Postponing non-essential surgery is one thing, but when you have a child is not so easy to postpone - in terms of age, career, opportunity, age gap, etc.

Bottom line - if you want a third and can afford it, go for it.