I’ve been sent a message meant for someone else, slagging off my appearance

[CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]

NC'd for this as it's very outing. But if anyone recognises the situation then meh.

I changed my FB profile picture today for the first time in about 3 years. It was a normal selfie of just me (I don't like having my kids in my profile pictures). I only did it because I'd coloured and styled my hair and tried my new make up, as something to do more than anything! and thought it looked quite nice (as opposed to rocking my usual Worzel Gummidge look) so thought it's time for an update on social media. I didn't use any filters or photoshopping (don't know how anyway). I got a few compliments on my comments which was nice!

Anyway, I'm part of a WhatsApp group for mums in my 8yo DD's class. There's a few mums who are best friends. One of these mums - obviously meant for maybe their own little WhatsApp group, or one of the other mothers - sent a screenshot of my profile picture with the caption "Funny how she doesn't look like this on the school run. The things that Face tune can do for a person 😹😹'.

It was deleted almost straight away but I saw it and got a screenshot of what she sent.

I'm pretty upset and pissed off - which is unlike me but aside from the fact that I DIDN'T use photo editing, this seems to me like they maybe slag me off on a regular basis? I'm not friends with any of the other mums, I say hello etc and make small talk at parties but didn't ever think I'd done anything to warrant being made fun of.

Anyway to not drip feed - the one who sent it is a teacher in the DC's school. I don't know who exactly she was meant to send it to but assuming she just got the wrong mum's group?

Anyway I'm posting to ask for help. Should I

1. Ignore it, pretend I never saw it - I will be totally honest I have in the past sent screen shots to a friend of ridiculous things people we dislike have said. Never other school mums though, I'm far too indifferent to them.
2. Come back with a witty and cutting reply.
3. Confront the mum (and teacher) who said it - to clarify she's taught both my DD and DS in the past, and is a good teacher.
4. Something else
5. Get over it, these things happen it's just it happened to me this time.

Feeling pretty shit

Well done OP

Just caught up with this thread - I am sooo pleased we don't have whatsapp nonsense at my DS's school. or maybe we do and I am not part of it????

If she's any grace at all she'll just offer a sincere apology and not make excuses. I remember vividly being a red faced teen getting caught out bitching. I did everything but blame it on the dog. Lesson learned You've sent a good response op.

The next paragraphs would get my back up: whilst you’re not wrong, they sound preachy and sanctimonious and imply the the teacher doesn’t know how to behave, which of course she likely does.

I think it's fine for the OP to be a little sanctimonious/preachy. After all, you're quite right that the other teacher shouldn't need to have it pointed out to her in the first place as she knows it was wrong.

If I was in your boots op but I’d absolutely have to let her know she’s hadn’t got away with it. I’d probably message to say something along the lines of:

Morning insertwankersname, I’ve slept on this and want to let you know that I’m extremely upset by your message in the group chat yesterday, no you didn’t delete it quickly enough and as I saw it I’m sure others in the group chat did. I find it deeply hurtful and worrying that someone who is responsible for the pastoral care of my child feels it appropriate to share such judgemental and nasty opinions based on my appearance on social media.

Then I’d leave it at that. I’d not ask for any action on her part and quite frankly it’s up to her to decide what to do going forward and I’d let her sweat her response. It’d be interesting to see if she publicly apologies given that the message may have been seen by multiple people, or if she just texts an apology or tries to make a bigger gesture.

Good response Op .

With regard to who the recipient was meant to be, it must be someone that knows the op , otherwise there would be no point in sending it.

Comment only ‘I am disappointed to see this behaviour from a teacher at my children’s school (insert name).’

I would have responded to the group not her individually. You’ve effectively let her off the hook.

@CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend well done!!!

@IHaveBackPain

(And no, I am not a Teacher myself)

As is evident by your advice.

And you are a Teacher, as is evident by your advice - and I respect your opinion - so please respect mine.

I find your comment quite ironic given what underpins this whole original post.

I think the message was far too long and lecturing, but it's sent now. I wonder how she'll respond.

I wonder if she will reply

That is a very good and kind response. I hope you get the outcome you are looking for.

Good response. Dignified.

Well done OP, its a fair, balanced message. I hope she responds and learns not to do that again.

I think you have behaved well. I also would have perhaps been more succinct. I don't understand these bitchy comments about other women to friends. I also teach at my son's school. I'm careful with his class WhatsApp group (don't share my address etc) but either way I'd never make this type of error because I simply wouldn't be sending these bitchy messages to anyone.

Blimey you are a much better person than me.
I hope you get a response but I don't think any answer you get is going to be enough. I hope she isn't teaching my children in the future!

I bet there’s a lot of pm’s flying about now between the teacher and whoever was meant to be the recipient.

So I see a couple of posters think that the tone of your message is condescending / preachy / sanctimonious

Personally that doesn't come across to me - perhaps a teeny tiny bit condescending but only the merest whiff of it, and quite frankly you've earnt the right to be a wee bit patronising. If it was me and I would have enjoyed making her squirm

Great message!

Very nice response. Though I think I'd have had her worrying whether or not you'd be reporting the matter to the headteacher.

Morning OP!

I know you've sent your message now - your explanation of what you decided was rational & clear & to be applauded, especially on MN 😀

I personally thought it was too much, especially the 'teacher to teacher' bit & the patronising (sorry!) advice.

I would have kept it shorter & more direct.

BUT

It's a good response, one that sits well with your own value system & also your assessment of the pragmatism of the situation / outcome / actions taken.

Fair play to you for your reasonableness. I think you sound great 👏

OP just caught up on this thread and I think your response was excellent. She really will have to realise she fucked up.

I bet she won't reply at all. But that doesn't really matter as you'll have put the shits up her.

@mainsfed

I would have responded to the group not her individually. You’ve effectively let her off the hook.

Depends what 'letting her off the hook' means to you vs OP.

I think I would have replied on the group too but I'm really impressed with OP's dignity in that regard & think she explains it really well in her post earlier.

That was a very balanced but confident reply OP. Well done!