I’ve been sent a message meant for someone else, slagging off my appearance

[CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]

NC'd for this as it's very outing. But if anyone recognises the situation then meh.

I changed my FB profile picture today for the first time in about 3 years. It was a normal selfie of just me (I don't like having my kids in my profile pictures). I only did it because I'd coloured and styled my hair and tried my new make up, as something to do more than anything! and thought it looked quite nice (as opposed to rocking my usual Worzel Gummidge look) so thought it's time for an update on social media. I didn't use any filters or photoshopping (don't know how anyway). I got a few compliments on my comments which was nice!

Anyway, I'm part of a WhatsApp group for mums in my 8yo DD's class. There's a few mums who are best friends. One of these mums - obviously meant for maybe their own little WhatsApp group, or one of the other mothers - sent a screenshot of my profile picture with the caption "Funny how she doesn't look like this on the school run. The things that Face tune can do for a person 😹😹'.

It was deleted almost straight away but I saw it and got a screenshot of what she sent.

I'm pretty upset and pissed off - which is unlike me but aside from the fact that I DIDN'T use photo editing, this seems to me like they maybe slag me off on a regular basis? I'm not friends with any of the other mums, I say hello etc and make small talk at parties but didn't ever think I'd done anything to warrant being made fun of.

Anyway to not drip feed - the one who sent it is a teacher in the DC's school. I don't know who exactly she was meant to send it to but assuming she just got the wrong mum's group?

Anyway I'm posting to ask for help. Should I

1. Ignore it, pretend I never saw it - I will be totally honest I have in the past sent screen shots to a friend of ridiculous things people we dislike have said. Never other school mums though, I'm far too indifferent to them.
2. Come back with a witty and cutting reply.
3. Confront the mum (and teacher) who said it - to clarify she's taught both my DD and DS in the past, and is a good teacher.
4. Something else
5. Get over it, these things happen it's just it happened to me this time.

Feeling pretty shit

At this stage I would pm her and not bother with the group chat, it's been too long.

I wouldn't state you won't report her straight away though, she needs to sweat a little bit first!!!

Id actually post a Beyoncé gif in the group where she’s saying she’s flawless and say actually there was no filter.

Thanks again for all your replies, some really good insight here, I can't believe this has reached nearly 800 comments!!

So I've (roughly) decided what to do. And what not to do.

I WON'T be:

1. Ignoring it.

1. Telling the Head. A lot of you have made really good points about why I should and you're not wrong, and I'd support someone else if this is what they decided to do. It's probably the right thing to do, but weighing up the reality of the consequences and the impact of them on everyone (including mine and her children) I honestly don't think it's worth it. It's me who is the subject of nastiness and I reserve the right to decide how I want to handle it. So unless I get a really shitty reply when I message her, I won't be doing this. This does not mean I'm letting this woman loose to bully children, she is renowned for being a good teacher and I can't see this changing that.

1. As tempting as it is to reply on the mum's group a witty snarky reply to make her shit herself, I won't do this either. Aside from the fact that it's a bit too late, getting into some sort of petty public war of words isn't my style. Things like that get shared around, posted on social media etc and please remember I'm a teacher too. I can't teach teenagers to respect each other and at the same time call another woman nasty names in front of her friends. This is a small town - it will unfold at a rapid rate! I think it's easy to people on MN to make amusing suggestions, but this is my life and my community, and I live with any inevitable fall out. Especially as, with her deleted message, there'd be no context other people can see.

I will however send her a PM this morning. How does this sound:

Hi (name)
You're probably wondering if I saw the screenshot you sent to the Y4 mums group yesterday before you deleted it? I did, and I've been thinking about what to do about it. I was very hurt and disappointed to say the least.

Can I suggest, from one teacher to another, to be careful when making allegiances with other parents. It's one thing making friends, it's very unprofessional to then make nasty remarks about other parents to them. I really hope you don't make a habit of this. Another parent might have have reacted in a far angrier way than I have.

as teachers we have a responsibility to set an example of good behaviour. Being publicly unkind in that way about a peer isn't acceptable. And it is obviously very worrying given that you teach young children and you clearly think this is acceptable. However I want to give you the opportunity of explaining yourself as to why you felt the need to do this and how this happened.

(And no, I am not a Teacher myself)

As is evident by your advice.

Also - op could end up looking like a grass
all for what?

I would remove the ‘from one teacher to another’ line.

Excellent response OP!

Couldn’t improve on that @CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend -, love the ‘I’m not angry i’m disappointed’ tone, that you’re taking the high ground without being patronising and love the way it places the ball in her court to respond.

Op that is a brilliant reply. Very well worded with good points and. Should she choose to share your reply in her group, you will come across as very considerate so it leaves her without a leg to stand on for further bitching.

I’m late to all this. I think send just the first paragraph to her.

Hi, suggest you let it be known that you've seen it and see if she eats humble pie and apologises. And if she does, I would point out that she is risking her professionalism by slagging off parents. If not, I think you are well within your rights to escalate it to the Head.

The thing is that people are too quick to put to technology what they are thinking. It's one thing to say things in confidence to people face-to-face but there is so much extra 'risk' (and room for mistakes) in texting/emailing/WhatsApping etc. Quite aside from inadvertently copying you in (which clearly was a mistake), there's always room for other people using comments out of context and/or vindictively.

FWIW though, a lot of filters are used on social media posts these days. I take it as a given that many images have been manipulated. It doesn't really need to be said though, ever!

Interestingly, I did an event (socially distanced) and outdoors a few months ago (when such things were allowed) with a group of five teachers, including a close friend. One did the type of bitchy girls nudging and glances with another (who was clearly in her clique) about something I'd done. I noticed although clearly I wasn't supposed to.

@Dressinggownchic

I would remove the ‘from one teacher to another’ line.

I like that bit myself.

I like it OP. I’d maybe leave out the middle paragraph, not personally keen on the bit about allegiances etc. But I think it’s a great decision you’ve made and I hope she feels really, really sorry when she reads it and replies to you to apologise and grovel.

I’d also remove the from one teacher to another and replace with ‘as a teacher at the school’ .... ‘it’s one thing making friends’ .... other than that I think your response is spot on. I think you’ve handled it very well.

Overall, excellent response, OP.

The teacher should be absolutely ashamed of herself. I imagine it would be her job to be lecturing the children in her class about not behaving in a like manner online with and about their friends. She really should have known better.

WOW, what a bitch! If I had done that (and I wouldn't) I would be mortified and make sure that I apologised in person to the person - any chance she might do that OP?
I think I would ignore it, but make sure I give her the death stare when no one is looking so she knows that I know. Really horrible OP, sending love, as I don't know how to send the flower emoji!

Good response, only one observation, you don't know that she intended to send it to another parent, it could have been her DH or a mutual friend or co-worker. Not saying that makes it any better or worse just that you don't know who the intended recipient was.

In your position, I wouldn't report her either, for the exact same reasons you don't want to.

I do think you're right in messaging her privately too, as much as it would be really satisfying to call her out in the WhatsApp group, you would then run the risk of all of those parents saying the same about you as people on this thread have said about her, so messaging her privately seems the most responsible way to deal with it.

Your message is great, but I would stop at the end of the second paragraph, the third paragraph makes you seem a little over invested in the whole thing and like you wish to engage in conversation with her about it, when in fact all you need to do to retain the moral high ground is draw her attention to the fact that you saw her message and you think it was a shitty thing to do (which it really was by the way, and I agree that it stinks a bit of her being jealous of you)

I don't think your pm come across well, OP. It sounds very condescending. If the said teacher is already far from having a professional boundary, it will give her even more ammunition to dis you, imo.

Agree with blue apple

OP, that's a great potential response. Assertive but diplomatic!

I've sent it!!
A slightly amended version of my last post based on some suggested good amendments here.

I will update you if/when she she replies. Biting my nails a little 😬

Well done OP!

I definitely remove the from one teacher to another piece. First paragraph is all you need.

Of I’d behaved like the teacher in this scenario I’d be mortified to receive the first paragraph. Really embarrassed and it would encourage me to reflect.

The next paragraphs would get my back up: whilst you’re not wrong, they sound preachy and sanctimonious and imply the the teacher doesn’t know how to behave, which of course she likely does.

Don’t give her any opportunity to wriggle out of feeling bad by opening yourself to criticism

@MacbookHoHoHo

Wow! That’s awful. Don’t forget it’s saying you look really good in the photo though, so at least be pleased that your hair and face are looking banging.

You’ve got her over a barrel now. Schools are soooo strict about bullying - especially social-media and online bullying - that she’d be in DEEP shit if this got out.

What my feisty version would do is repost the screenshot with the comment, “Doesn’t the school have quite strict guidelines on bullying? It’d be awful if a teacher was found to be doing it, wouldn’t it.” And then ignore all her panicky messages and let her shit herself.

This.