I’ve been sent a message meant for someone else, slagging off my appearance

[CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]

NC'd for this as it's very outing. But if anyone recognises the situation then meh.

I changed my FB profile picture today for the first time in about 3 years. It was a normal selfie of just me (I don't like having my kids in my profile pictures). I only did it because I'd coloured and styled my hair and tried my new make up, as something to do more than anything! and thought it looked quite nice (as opposed to rocking my usual Worzel Gummidge look) so thought it's time for an update on social media. I didn't use any filters or photoshopping (don't know how anyway). I got a few compliments on my comments which was nice!

Anyway, I'm part of a WhatsApp group for mums in my 8yo DD's class. There's a few mums who are best friends. One of these mums - obviously meant for maybe their own little WhatsApp group, or one of the other mothers - sent a screenshot of my profile picture with the caption "Funny how she doesn't look like this on the school run. The things that Face tune can do for a person 😹😹'.

It was deleted almost straight away but I saw it and got a screenshot of what she sent.

I'm pretty upset and pissed off - which is unlike me but aside from the fact that I DIDN'T use photo editing, this seems to me like they maybe slag me off on a regular basis? I'm not friends with any of the other mums, I say hello etc and make small talk at parties but didn't ever think I'd done anything to warrant being made fun of.

Anyway to not drip feed - the one who sent it is a teacher in the DC's school. I don't know who exactly she was meant to send it to but assuming she just got the wrong mum's group?

Anyway I'm posting to ask for help. Should I

1. Ignore it, pretend I never saw it - I will be totally honest I have in the past sent screen shots to a friend of ridiculous things people we dislike have said. Never other school mums though, I'm far too indifferent to them.
2. Come back with a witty and cutting reply.
3. Confront the mum (and teacher) who said it - to clarify she's taught both my DD and DS in the past, and is a good teacher.
4. Something else
5. Get over it, these things happen it's just it happened to me this time.

Feeling pretty shit

I wouldn’t report to head either, you’re right about the consequences for her. But if it happened again I would. I think talking to her is enough to get her to realise. People on MN just love the dramatic response.

Let us know how you get on

I’m surprised at all the people saying don’t report, keep silent.

Tbh, I'm not because any people don't like to be seen to be 'making a fuss'. But it's not effective.

Besides, whilst the comment was made in a parent group by a parent, that parent is also a teacher and has professional standards to uphold. One of which is, Teachers uphold public trust in the profession and maintain high standards of ethics and behaviour, within and outside school and, as others have already commented, it casts doubt on her ability to recognise and respond appropriately to reports of bullying/unkindness with her own classroom. Plus it makes it appear that this type of comment is commonplace/acceptable within the school.

recognition that parents who are excluded usually leads to children being excluded. In a very relaxed and rational way I might let them head aware that this teacher might need reminding of this role, as essentially the "bullying" of a parent is likely to be reflected in the relationships between children in the school

This is so true.

What my feisty version would do is repost the screenshot with the comment, “Doesn’t the school have quite strict guidelines on bullying? It’d be awful if a teacher was found to be doing it, wouldn’t it.” And then ignore all her panicky messages and let her shit herself

Ha ha yes.

Sorry this happened to you OP - I really don't know why some school gate mums turn into a witches' coven but having been to an all girls' secondary school I think it's simply that they never grew up. As for the perpetrator being a teacher, I think it happens when they have kids at the same school or know local parents through their older children etc - they forget which hat to wear but if you are a parent who's not with the "in" crowd it can create a feeling of distrust when you think school staff are gossiping about kids or parents. It is very unprofessional.

Thank goodness my son is at sixth form now and I don't have any of this crap to deal with. It went on way into secondary school with my son's year group.

I'm a teacher, you should hear the stuff that gets said in the staffroom or in classrooms when the children aren't there!

You really can't see how a comment made about a child's behaviour (for example) in the staffroom is different to a comment made in public about a parent's appearance?

I've heard and made comments about parents who have behaved inappropriately (such as being warned about the lascivous dad who would - and did - try to flirt with me) as well as "argh!" comments made about a parent's attitude or whatever. But this is not in the same realm at all.

And as for being 'bastions of moral fortitude', I'd defend a teacher's right to sunbathe topless or get pissed on a Friday night at the local pub to the ends of the earth but, when the behaviour is so closely linked to school, the rules are slightly different. Surely anyone with a modicum of intelligence could see that?

Surely anyone with a modicum of intelligence could see that?

Not quite needed was it, the snippy comment?

Most people do agree the teacher has crossed professional boundaries.

OP is being pragmatic & also reasonable in not going to the HT tho. I don't think it's warranted & looks petty.

The individual can be called out on it. In a clear way, without any daft PA suggestions made here. Then people move on.

You said yourself op you've bitched about other women on social media. Even if not with parents, have you reflected on that? Whatever you say to the teacher you know deep down is partly hypocritical.

I would have sent the message and simply put ..Boundaries ladies? and left it at that. Everyone makes daft mistakes its not a hanging offence though it is unproffessional I agree. I dislike the blurring of relationships with social media.I am not my childs class teachers friend nor are they mine,I respect my dds teacher he is wonderful and the best teacher she has had yet but the only thing we should have in common is my child and it should always remain a proffessional relationship in myh view,its too easy with over familiarity to blurr the boundaries so incidents like this can take place .Just shouldnt happen.

@Newfor2021

I’d post back the screenshot to the group (so everyone can see what a cowbag she is!) then post ‘No filters needed thanks (insert twat faces name) and add a wink 😉 emoji and maybe even a 😘

😂😂😂

Oh yes I love the idea of a kissy thank you to this person!

Honestly, I think I would put, " I saw that deleted message. That wasnt very kind."

OverweightPidgeon
I think it’s wise to take into account the fact that reporting this to the head teacher could have repercussions involving the Ops child. What should happen and what actually happens in real life are two very different things. There was no repercussions for my dd when I reported the teacher for bitching about my dd - but I did notice on sports day and the school fair other teachers huddling around her when I was near, sending daggers my way - in their eyes I had become the perceived bully! Funny how these things go.

Following for nooz!
Think you one teacher to another approach is good.
Definitely wouldn't report her, sending to the wrong group could happen to anyone.
There's a school mum at our school who uses filters for each and every photo she posts, she hardly needs to she's nearly 20 years younger than me but I always get s mild shock when I see her in the flesh as she doesn't quite look the same.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this hadn’t already been reported to the Head without you having to do a thing.
You won’t be the only person who saw it before it was deleted.
What she has done is after all, incredibly unprofessional and most people would recognise her poor judgement and conduct.

I would pm her along the lines of a previous poster - the school governor who explained perfectly why schools need social media policies. You should let her know that you saw it, and not only were you hurt by the bitchy undertone to it all, but that given that she is a teacher she obviously needs a reminder about her professional obligations to the school children and parents. Then spell out exactly why most schools have have a social media policy as per the school governor post above.

If it were another mum in the group, I'd e tempted to ignore but the fact that a teacher has done this changes things. Most Heads if they were made aware of this would certainly speak to the teacher involved so I would do as onyourway suggested, and the teacher who sent it will have a very uncomfortable weekend, worrying that you are going to take it further.
I know that the Head I work for would take this seriously.

Read all your comments op. I don't think it's too late for a pm to the teacher. Tell the truth and say you've been debating what to do.

She should know the potential consequences of what would happen if you told her head. If you really aren't going to report her and I understand your reasons not to, I'd tell her you won't but say you're really disappointed that you've been talked about in this way.

@IHaveBackPain

Less is more in these situations to maintain the moral high ground.

This is not strictly true.

I have been bullied twice in my adult life. Once by my line manager at work and once by a friend. I took the 'least said, soonest mended' approach in both and it backfired massively both times - I lost both my job and entire friendship group because its the squeaky wheel that gets the most attention and most people take the easy path of least resistance when choosing which side to fall on.

I would always advocate for addressing the issue but doing so appropriately. Staying silent rarely shows you have taken the moral high ground. Rather it shows that you are weak; ashamed; in the wrong; confirms what they said etc. It creates a forum where others feel safe to engage on a similar level because there is no redress. It escalates. You have little scope for addressing it at that stage because many people find it difficupt to manage situations like this and find it easier to turn the focus back on the victim for not speaking up sooner when it would have been a simpler matter to resolve.

I have a very close friend who took a similar 'moral high ground' approach that is being suggested here and, many years on, he also regrets taking it on the chin and not standing up for himself.

I find that this approach is often advocated by people who have no direct personal experience of the situation.

Not true in my case if that's what you are implying

I would contact the school (do you know anyone like the head’s secretary for instance?) and ask them to forward the “staff policy on social media“ document to Miss ‘Campbell’. When they ask why just say that you are not prepared to comment on that at the moment but just imagine her totally shitting herself when that lands in her inbox from the school with no explanation!! She is highly unprofessional (not to mention a bitch).

I can almost guarantee that this thread will be picked up
by the Daily Mail soon.

@LAMPS1

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this hadn’t already been reported to the Head without you having to do a thing. You won’t be the only person who saw it before it was deleted. What she has done is after all, incredibly unprofessional and most people would recognise her poor judgement and conduct.

I would pm her along the lines of a previous poster - the school governor who explained perfectly why schools need social media policies. You should let her know that you saw it, and not only were you hurt by the bitchy undertone to it all, but that given that she is a teacher she obviously needs a reminder about her professional obligations to the school children and parents. Then spell out exactly why most schools have have a social media policy as per the school governor post above.

Absolutely. This will have got out either way.

Makes me wonder who else she is bitching about. I imagine it won’t be a one off. Needs nipping in the bud. Unacceptable.

I am no saint, but do people really do this? Sending photos to WhatsApp groups with a bitchy comment about the way someone looks? I actually think this is a serious breach of professional conduct for a teacher.

@Cloudhopping

I am no saint, but do people really do this? Sending photos to WhatsApp groups with a bitchy comment about the way someone looks? I actually think this is a serious breach of professional conduct for a teacher.

People seem to spend their lives obsessed with other people - how else do you explain the frequent threads on here bitching about the Royals and the celeb mags - same shit different people.

@IHaveBackPain not sure I have a modicum of intelligence, the two degrees must have been gained by luck

The thing is, this woman is a bitch but clearly was trying to be a nasty bitch in private WhatsApp with her friends. She's been a dipshit and sent it to a whole class group chat. She's realised and swiftly deleted it. She did not mean OP to see it. So people complaining about her being a bully and not fit to teach children - well no, that is not right. Teachers don't have to be saints in their personal life (and this was her personal life, she accidentally made it public) to be good teachers. I personally know of one headteacher who is an absolute wankbadger in his personal life, he's still fairly good at his job though.

Absolutely. This will have got out either way

Really? You have more faith in your fellow man than I do. Most people will ignore stuff like this and not get involved.

Relying on others to report this would be a mistake. Flag it with the head at least OP.