I’ve been sent a message meant for someone else, slagging off my appearance

[CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]

NC'd for this as it's very outing. But if anyone recognises the situation then meh.

I changed my FB profile picture today for the first time in about 3 years. It was a normal selfie of just me (I don't like having my kids in my profile pictures). I only did it because I'd coloured and styled my hair and tried my new make up, as something to do more than anything! and thought it looked quite nice (as opposed to rocking my usual Worzel Gummidge look) so thought it's time for an update on social media. I didn't use any filters or photoshopping (don't know how anyway). I got a few compliments on my comments which was nice!

Anyway, I'm part of a WhatsApp group for mums in my 8yo DD's class. There's a few mums who are best friends. One of these mums - obviously meant for maybe their own little WhatsApp group, or one of the other mothers - sent a screenshot of my profile picture with the caption "Funny how she doesn't look like this on the school run. The things that Face tune can do for a person 😹😹'.

It was deleted almost straight away but I saw it and got a screenshot of what she sent.

I'm pretty upset and pissed off - which is unlike me but aside from the fact that I DIDN'T use photo editing, this seems to me like they maybe slag me off on a regular basis? I'm not friends with any of the other mums, I say hello etc and make small talk at parties but didn't ever think I'd done anything to warrant being made fun of.

Anyway to not drip feed - the one who sent it is a teacher in the DC's school. I don't know who exactly she was meant to send it to but assuming she just got the wrong mum's group?

Anyway I'm posting to ask for help. Should I

1. Ignore it, pretend I never saw it - I will be totally honest I have in the past sent screen shots to a friend of ridiculous things people we dislike have said. Never other school mums though, I'm far too indifferent to them.
2. Come back with a witty and cutting reply.
3. Confront the mum (and teacher) who said it - to clarify she's taught both my DD and DS in the past, and is a good teacher.
4. Something else
5. Get over it, these things happen it's just it happened to me this time.

Feeling pretty shit

I'm a teacher and I'm appalled by this.

Firstly, its bordering on unprofessional her being in the parent whatsapp group in the first place (as they're often used to criticise the school!).

Secondly, we have it drummed into us the importance of being appropriate and not sharing personal views which might he considered controversial by some on social media. She should have known better than to post that comment anywhere.

I would be telling the HT tbh. I can't imagine making a comment like that in private to my colleagues (or hearing it), let alone posting it in a group for all (parents!) to see.

As for all the references to anti bullying week, a one off comment, however nasty, doesn't constitute bullying so you'd look a bit daft if you mentioned that. You'd be better off quoting Oscar Wilde.

But, if it were me, I'd be having a quiet conversation with the HT. Not calling for her head but just to say, "This happened. I think it might be a training issue." Most schools have a policy of backing staff to the hilt precisely because these parents whatsapp groups can become vicious so I wouldn't go in all guns blazing but, tbh, that's unacceptable.

I wouldn't be taking the moral high ground and ignoring it either. I've done that in the past when I was an adult being genuinely bullied and it backfired terribly on both occasions. It's something people imagine will work but rarely something that does. If you are unhappy with something you should mention it just in a reasonable way so it isn't considered a 'clash of personalities' or whatever.

My HT would take a very dim view of this.

Ha ha what a dick she is doing that! Jealousy at it’s finest! Does she not have anything better to do! I would try to ignore it and let her stew in whether you saw it or not.

@IHaveBackPain

I'm a teacher and I'm appalled by this.

Firstly, its bordering on unprofessional her being in the parent whatsapp group in the first place (as they're often used to criticise the school!).

Secondly, we have it drummed into us the importance of being appropriate and not sharing personal views which might he considered controversial by some on social media. She should have known better than to post that comment anywhere.

I would be telling the HT tbh. I can't imagine making a comment like that in private to my colleagues (or hearing it), let alone posting it in a group for all (parents!) to see.

As for all the references to anti bullying week, a one off comment, however nasty, doesn't constitute bullying so you'd look a bit daft if you mentioned that. You'd be better off quoting Oscar Wilde.

But, if it were me, I'd be having a quiet conversation with the HT. Not calling for her head but just to say, "This happened. I think it might be a training issue." Most schools have a policy of backing staff to the hilt precisely because these parents whatsapp groups can become vicious so I wouldn't go in all guns blazing but, tbh, that's unacceptable.

I wouldn't be taking the moral high ground and ignoring it either. I've done that in the past when I was an adult being genuinely bullied and it backfired terribly on both occasions. It's something people imagine will work but rarely something that does. If you are unhappy with something you should mention it just in a reasonable way so it isn't considered a 'clash of personalities' or whatever.

My HT would take a very dim view of this.

This is very good advice.

If you don’t say anything to the school, you’re condoning a teacher being a bully. So don’t be surprised if your child is bullied or her child bullies another and she doesn’t take it seriously.

This absolutely is a training issue. Protect your child above all else.

@IHaveBackPain

I'm a teacher and I'm appalled by this.

Firstly, its bordering on unprofessional her being in the parent whatsapp group in the first place (as they're often used to criticise the school!).

Secondly, we have it drummed into us the importance of being appropriate and not sharing personal views which might he considered controversial by some on social media. She should have known better than to post that comment anywhere.

I would be telling the HT tbh. I can't imagine making a comment like that in private to my colleagues (or hearing it), let alone posting it in a group for all (parents!) to see.

As for all the references to anti bullying week, a one off comment, however nasty, doesn't constitute bullying so you'd look a bit daft if you mentioned that. You'd be better off quoting Oscar Wilde.

But, if it were me, I'd be having a quiet conversation with the HT. Not calling for her head but just to say, "This happened. I think it might be a training issue." Most schools have a policy of backing staff to the hilt precisely because these parents whatsapp groups can become vicious so I wouldn't go in all guns blazing but, tbh, that's unacceptable.

I wouldn't be taking the moral high ground and ignoring it either. I've done that in the past when I was an adult being genuinely bullied and it backfired terribly on both occasions. It's something people imagine will work but rarely something that does. If you are unhappy with something you should mention it just in a reasonable way so it isn't considered a 'clash of personalities' or whatever.

My HT would take a very dim view of this.

I think this is absolutely spot on

I actually can't believe that this happened because no teacher that I know would do something like this. It's unbelievable because it's just unbelievable. Seriously? You guys would let your child's teacher diss you on Facebook? Or whatever it was? Like hell you would. I've heard bad things about teachers, but this is actually one of the worst things that I've heard! That lady would never work again if that was me.

This absolutely is a training issue.

Ye, and I've a few issues myself.................. Training a teacher not to bully or ridicule a parent on social media? I actually don't know whether to laugh out loud or despair. They need further training on this is it? Because they're so fucking thick that they don't know that it's not a good idea? Teachers are not thick. She knew exactly what she was doing and did it anyway!

I do find it puzzling how many would just let it go. She's a teacher, she's supposed to set an example. I wouldn't want her teaching a child of mine that's for sure, my 17 year old dd is more mature than this woman.

That's highly unprofessional for a teacher.

Tbh I would be tempted to show the head teacher. If she wants to send her children to the school she works at and be in the parent's what app group then she has to conduct herself better. She is clearly not respecting boundaries at all.

On a personal note, it's just really horrible and I am sorry it happened to you. You don't have to justify having a nice profile pic... we all look different on the school run!

Just to add op, if you think by going to the head it will make things difficult with the other parents, by the looks of it they gossip about you anyway, therefore they are not your friends and you've nothing to lose. In fact, i'd be pleased i'd found out what a nasty bitchy bunch they are, at least you know not to trust them again!

Hi OP.
I think I’d just send her a message saying “You sent me a message about my new FB photo by accident, I assume?”
Nothing else. Don’t do anything else.
Let her sweat.

@MMfanalltheway

This absolutely is a training issue.

Ye, and I've a few issues myself.................. Training a teacher not to bully or ridicule a parent on social media? I actually don't know whether to laugh out loud or despair. They need further training on this is it? Because they're so fucking thick that they don't know that it's not a good idea? Teachers are not thick. She knew exactly what she was doing and did it anyway!

I am on your thread. You’ve taken my comment very literally. Do you always do that? Talking about something as a training issue is the same as using something as a lessons learnt rather than going scorched Earth.

I would definitely go with ‘was this meant for me?’ I just couldn’t resist letting them know that I knew and hopefully watching them squirm whilst I took the high ground. She might be shitting it that you’re about to go to the headteacher and complain 😂😂

Well, OP, i hope you'll never do this kind of thing again, it's really not a nice thing to do at all

didn't the OP say she has discussed people's appearance in a similar way? I think I remember reading it somewhere which is what I assume this poster is referring to.

I would send a private message to the person who sent it, including the screen shot and saying "Not very professional Susan". It doesn't require her to reply but she will know you know which had to bother her. She may reply grovelling of course. I wouldn't send the message offering to send her bullying resources. She will know what's she's done. Less is more in these situations to maintain the moral high ground.

Training a teacher not to bully or ridicule a parent on social media? I actually don't know whether to laugh out loud or despair. They need further training on this is it? Because they're so fucking thick that they don't know that it's not a good idea? Teachers are not thick. She knew exactly what she was doing and did it anyway!

🙄

Of course she knew what she was doing.

But going in with my approach would likely garner support from the HT whereas going down with your approach could cause them to batten down the hatches.

If the HT failed to address it, there are appropriate channels to pursue the complaint. I'm not suggesting it is left if the HT fails to respond appropriately, just that the initial contact is reasonable and mature. Otherwise the school end up in the realm of trying to manage the parental reaction rather than address the issue.

It's about moderating your approach.

No I definitely wouldn’t be reporting her . Am sure the HT wouldn’t be interested in school gate politics . If she was slagging off a child at the school then I would.

Less is more in these situations to maintain the moral high ground.

This is not strictly true.

I have been bullied twice in my adult life. Once by my line manager at work and once by a friend. I took the 'least said, soonest mended' approach in both and it backfired massively both times - I lost both my job and entire friendship group because its the squeaky wheel that gets the most attention and most people take the easy path of least resistance when choosing which side to fall on.

I would always advocate for addressing the issue but doing so appropriately. Staying silent rarely shows you have taken the moral high ground. Rather it shows that you are weak; ashamed; in the wrong; confirms what they said etc. It creates a forum where others feel safe to engage on a similar level because there is no redress. It escalates. You have little scope for addressing it at that stage because many people find it difficupt to manage situations like this and find it easier to turn the focus back on the victim for not speaking up sooner when it would have been a simpler matter to resolve.

I have a very close friend who took a similar 'moral high ground' approach that is being suggested here and, many years on, he also regrets taking it on the chin and not standing up for himself.

I find that this approach is often advocated by people who have no direct personal experience of the situation.

OP for what it’s worth I think you’re right to not report this to the school for all the reasons you mention, but definitely make her think you might. If I were you I’d send her the screenshot today with a message saying “I don’t think you meant for me to see this. I must say I was disappointed and surprised to see a teacher talking about a parent in this way. I hope this isn’t something you make a habit of.” Then let her sweat.

No I definitely wouldn’t be reporting her . Am sure the HT wouldn’t be interested in school gate politics . If she was slagging off a child at the school then I would.

The comment was made by an teacher and reflects the school in a poor light. The HT would be very interested. It's incredibly unprofessional.

As others have said, it casts doubt onto this teachers attitude towards bullying in their own classroom. Schools have to (should) be beyond reproach in this respect as the ramifications are so huge.

Did you send any messages yet OP? Or report it?

I think the longer you leave if, the less of the moral high ground you have.

@IHaveBackPain Very insightful post! This has been exactly my experience. I’m surprised at all the people saying don’t report, keep silent. There is no moral high ground gained in keeping silent in this particular situation, all silence will do is make OP look like a doormat.

@IHaveBackPain

I'm a teacher and I'm appalled by this.

Firstly, its bordering on unprofessional her being in the parent whatsapp group in the first place (as they're often used to criticise the school!).

Secondly, we have it drummed into us the importance of being appropriate and not sharing personal views which might he considered controversial by some on social media. She should have known better than to post that comment anywhere.

I would be telling the HT tbh. I can't imagine making a comment like that in private to my colleagues (or hearing it), let alone posting it in a group for all (parents!) to see.

As for all the references to anti bullying week, a one off comment, however nasty, doesn't constitute bullying so you'd look a bit daft if you mentioned that. You'd be better off quoting Oscar Wilde.

But, if it were me, I'd be having a quiet conversation with the HT. Not calling for her head but just to say, "This happened. I think it might be a training issue." Most schools have a policy of backing staff to the hilt precisely because these parents whatsapp groups can become vicious so I wouldn't go in all guns blazing but, tbh, that's unacceptable.

I wouldn't be taking the moral high ground and ignoring it either. I've done that in the past when I was an adult being genuinely bullied and it backfired terribly on both occasions. It's something people imagine will work but rarely something that does. If you are unhappy with something you should mention it just in a reasonable way so it isn't considered a 'clash of personalities' or whatever.

My HT would take a very dim view of this.

Exactly what I thought.

She’s taught your children?!

I’d email me the screen shot to the head asking/suggesting anti bullying week also includes staff.

This might seem harsh but she’s a teacher, a position of trust! What does she think and say of her current pupils parents?!

Some people are just vile. She's one of them 🤷‍♂️

I love that people on MN think teachers should be bastions of moral fortitude. I'm a teacher, you should hear the stuff that gets said in the staffroom or in classrooms when the children aren't there! I'm perfectly capable of being bitchy about someone who has pissed me off in my private life (I would never bully anyone) and then teach children that bullying is bad, have a terrible impact on someone. It's called being a professional.

However, I wouldn't ever do what the teacher did here because I wouldn't ever be on a WhatsApp group with parents from my school. It's difficult to exclude yourself from those things though if your children are at the school (which is why I have made a point of never teaching at my children's school - I used to but left before they started).

OP I definitely think I would PM her. I completely understand your wish to deal with this personally rather than through the school. If she knows you are a teacher she will know that you understand what you COULD do in terms of reporting her. That should make her think twice. She does sound like a nasty cow, enjoy making her sweat!