I’ve been sent a message meant for someone else, slagging off my appearance

[CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]

NC'd for this as it's very outing. But if anyone recognises the situation then meh.

I changed my FB profile picture today for the first time in about 3 years. It was a normal selfie of just me (I don't like having my kids in my profile pictures). I only did it because I'd coloured and styled my hair and tried my new make up, as something to do more than anything! and thought it looked quite nice (as opposed to rocking my usual Worzel Gummidge look) so thought it's time for an update on social media. I didn't use any filters or photoshopping (don't know how anyway). I got a few compliments on my comments which was nice!

Anyway, I'm part of a WhatsApp group for mums in my 8yo DD's class. There's a few mums who are best friends. One of these mums - obviously meant for maybe their own little WhatsApp group, or one of the other mothers - sent a screenshot of my profile picture with the caption "Funny how she doesn't look like this on the school run. The things that Face tune can do for a person 😹😹'.

It was deleted almost straight away but I saw it and got a screenshot of what she sent.

I'm pretty upset and pissed off - which is unlike me but aside from the fact that I DIDN'T use photo editing, this seems to me like they maybe slag me off on a regular basis? I'm not friends with any of the other mums, I say hello etc and make small talk at parties but didn't ever think I'd done anything to warrant being made fun of.

Anyway to not drip feed - the one who sent it is a teacher in the DC's school. I don't know who exactly she was meant to send it to but assuming she just got the wrong mum's group?

Anyway I'm posting to ask for help. Should I

1. Ignore it, pretend I never saw it - I will be totally honest I have in the past sent screen shots to a friend of ridiculous things people we dislike have said. Never other school mums though, I'm far too indifferent to them.
2. Come back with a witty and cutting reply.
3. Confront the mum (and teacher) who said it - to clarify she's taught both my DD and DS in the past, and is a good teacher.
4. Something else
5. Get over it, these things happen it's just it happened to me this time.

Feeling pretty shit

How mean!

I understand why you wouldn’t report to head. Definitely let her know though.

I love your proposed response Op - the variation on option 2 clearly lets her know you've seen it, think she's a cow, totally unprofessional and have the threat of reporting her to her boss. Perfect!

@FourTeaFallOut

So, she's a teacher and she uses social media to form a bitchy clique and bitch about the appearance of parents in the school and you are a teacher and too cowardly to deal with the situation properly because you are too cowardly and worried about this social consequences?

God help our kids.

This is it OP

You should report her for the sake of the pupils, it’s not about you at this point. Is she adequate at her job or does she need further support? As a teacher, this should be your most important consideration.

Her school will have a disciplinary procedure to follow, it’s unlikely she will be sacked or even performance managed. It’s also not your fault that the taxi driver got sacked, how do you know that this wasn’t his 3rd strike? How do you know that the taxi driver wasn’t purposely going against what his employer advises in that situation?

[quote CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]@TheLumpySofaCushion I'm quite thick skinned (and I've calmed down a bit) but I'm trying to look at the bigger picture and if I would regret it.

I once lost someone their job after complaining and I didn't sleep for weeks. TLDR; I moved to another country for a year when DD was a newborn. Went to the local mall, only a mile from our new home but as there were no paths or streetlights directly to the house I had to get a taxi home. 3 taxis in a row refused to take me because it wasn't far enough for them. The mall was closed at this point and the lights were off so I was in darkness in a strange place, with a baby and a pram and no safe way of getting home. It's only because I burst into tears that a lovely woman took pity on me and took me back in the taxi she was catching, which was going much further. Anyway I got the taxi number of the third man who refused to take me and complained, and he got the sack. I was furious at the time but i felt awful for so long after.[/quote]

I think you're conflating the two scenarios, OP, and somehow thinking you're to blame for the outcomes others have brought on themselves for wrong behaviour.

Refusing to take a mum & baby home, which is within the requirement of your job description? Not acceptable and correct to be reprimanded.

Deliberately holding someone else up to ridicule? Not acceptable and correct to be held accountable (on a personal, if not professional level).

@GuessWhosBackBackAgain yes you're absolutely right in practice, but as a teacher in reality it often doesn't quite go that way.

Say her husband (also part of a bit of a dad friendship group) tells another husband and I gets round that I lost Miss her job/got her in trouble etc over HARDLY ANYTHING (because Chinese whispers)...not unlikely.

Maybe I'm being cynical, but I love in a small town with big gossips and I don't trust anything

@FourTeaFallOut

Not really, they are consistent throughout. There's nothing ironic about it. I think you should speak to the HT and not play these head games.

OP isn't playing any 'head games' - whatever that is - she has decided, for valid reasons, that she doesn't want to report it to the Head.

What right have you to dictate what OP does & tell her she's pathetic? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you sound very level headed and you can trust your instincts on how to respond.

The message was bitchy and nasty so I'd definitely reply directly to her, I'd probably say something witty with passive aggressive undertones.

Your No. 2 reply sounds great, and definitely message direct.

Do let us know the outcome!

Ignore. Best advice.

@FourTeaFallOut

So, she's a teacher and she uses social media to form a bitchy clique and bitch about the appearance of parents in the school and you are a teacher and too cowardly to deal with the situation properly because you are too cowardly and worried about this social consequences?

God help our kids.

Blimey, @FourTeaFallOut you seem to be taking this very much to heart. No need to be so tetchy about it ...

I know I'm not to blame for either @flakymate and @TheLumpySofaCushion and I don't blame myself but I'm probably a bit of a fanny really and feel sorry for people too much (I may or may not have been told this by several people before ). Although I am thick skinned and have decided to take amusement in her comment. Pondering turning up to the school run on Monday in my wedding dress

[quote CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]@GuessWhosBackBackAgain yes you're absolutely right in practice, but as a teacher in reality it often doesn't quite go that way.

Say her husband (also part of a bit of a dad friendship group) tells another husband and I gets round that I lost Miss her job/got her in trouble etc over HARDLY ANYTHING (because Chinese whispers)...not unlikely.

Maybe I'm being cynical, but I love in a small town with big gossips and I don't trust anything[/quote]
I get it OP.

Also, as unkind & unprofessional as she was, I wouldn't be reporting it anyway. She's a good teacher. What she did was unprofessional but mainly, it was horrible as a human being. That's the bit I'd be interested in addressing.

I wouldn't see it as necessary or all that appropriate to bring into a professional sphere, regardless of the other (also valid) reasons you give.

I think the ‘did you mean to send this to me?’ Is the best approach. It totally puts the ball in her court and her response will be all you need to know to decide whether to take this further. Sounds like you’re looking fucking fantastic though!

I would reply with "I'm guessing this wasn't for me? Bit of a shitty thing to do, who were you planning on sending it to?"

2, but without that last line, which you say yourself is PA and undermines the maturity of the rest of your post.

Also well done for being much more sensible than many of us who responded more visceraly!

Well, OP, i hope you'll never do this kind of thing again, it's really not a nice thing to do at all.

Mail the screenshot to the HT and tell the teacher you've done it.

Additionally I'd probably write in the WhatsApp group if anyone knows when the school will be doing cyberbullying training because you have an example they might want to use.

Because it's an act of helplessness to decide that the best you can do in the situation is to nudge someone into a begrudged apology because you are too frightened to deal with it through the proper channel of speaking to the HT for fear of being bullied further.

Thank you @EarringsandLipstick that's exactly it.

I hope this isn't a drip feed - and I won't go into details in case someone recognises her from this - but she has said before she's insecure about the way she looks. Which maybe has something to do with the message she sent. Either way, I don't want her to get the sack or disciplined and I don't think she will encourage 4yo's to cyber bullying (I hope).

But I won't ignore it

Well, OP, i hope you'll never do this kind of thing again, it's really not a nice thing to do at all.

Ok I'll try not to not look like shit on social media anymore

@FourTeaFallOut I'm not frightened I just don't think it's an approach that will have a better outcome than if I just confront her myself.

A teacher sent it? Wow. This woman teaches children and she thinks it's okay to do that?

I'm not normally a snitch but I would be bringing it up with the head.

Some playground bullies never grew out of it huh.

Rude

I admire your ability to consider all outcomes, OP. So many threads on AIBU whip themselves into vengeance fantasies, egging the OP on to destroy several important relationships which obviously has no consequences to them, and they'd never do the same in their own lives.

Nice to see an OP with a level head.

(It makes my stomach turn to see a corral of posters cheerlead someone into driving a tank through relationships instead of acting proportionally.)

If I could orchestrate meeting her on the school run, I'd make damn sure I looked bloody amazing that day (even if did mean getting up at sparrow's fart), walk towards her, smile, raise an eyebrow and say "Look, no filters!", smile again and keep walking.

I’d go with replying to the delete message “You’re quick, but I’m quicker 😉 #screenshot” and just let her squiiiirm. You don’t need to do anything about it from there. But she knows you know and she’ll hopefully cop herself on from now on. Hope you’re okay OP!

she has said before she's insecure about the way she looks.

I think it's pretty much a given that people who are horrible like she was, do so out of a place of insecurity.

I bet you look lovely usually OP not at all Worzel-like 😂 & she's jealous / insecure whatever.

In my 40s I can understand this. From my teens to 30s, this type of bitchiness would have devastated me.

You sound a) really sane & level-headed b) compassionate and c) much better than I'd be as I'd be incredibly hurt at this, regardless of trying to take it in my stride.

🥇for you!