I’ve been sent a message meant for someone else, slagging off my appearance

[CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]

NC'd for this as it's very outing. But if anyone recognises the situation then meh.

I changed my FB profile picture today for the first time in about 3 years. It was a normal selfie of just me (I don't like having my kids in my profile pictures). I only did it because I'd coloured and styled my hair and tried my new make up, as something to do more than anything! and thought it looked quite nice (as opposed to rocking my usual Worzel Gummidge look) so thought it's time for an update on social media. I didn't use any filters or photoshopping (don't know how anyway). I got a few compliments on my comments which was nice!

Anyway, I'm part of a WhatsApp group for mums in my 8yo DD's class. There's a few mums who are best friends. One of these mums - obviously meant for maybe their own little WhatsApp group, or one of the other mothers - sent a screenshot of my profile picture with the caption "Funny how she doesn't look like this on the school run. The things that Face tune can do for a person 😹😹'.

It was deleted almost straight away but I saw it and got a screenshot of what she sent.

I'm pretty upset and pissed off - which is unlike me but aside from the fact that I DIDN'T use photo editing, this seems to me like they maybe slag me off on a regular basis? I'm not friends with any of the other mums, I say hello etc and make small talk at parties but didn't ever think I'd done anything to warrant being made fun of.

Anyway to not drip feed - the one who sent it is a teacher in the DC's school. I don't know who exactly she was meant to send it to but assuming she just got the wrong mum's group?

Anyway I'm posting to ask for help. Should I

1. Ignore it, pretend I never saw it - I will be totally honest I have in the past sent screen shots to a friend of ridiculous things people we dislike have said. Never other school mums though, I'm far too indifferent to them.
2. Come back with a witty and cutting reply.
3. Confront the mum (and teacher) who said it - to clarify she's taught both my DD and DS in the past, and is a good teacher.
4. Something else
5. Get over it, these things happen it's just it happened to me this time.

Feeling pretty shit

Maybe ask @Guiltypleasures001 's DH as I see a man has graced us with his superior view

Obviously he has as others are agreeing with him/us
And obviously you meant to be so rude, maybe put the glue stick down
Hun.

This happened to my friend who had the perfect response. Her STBXH husband accidentally sent a lovey dovey email meant for his new girlfriend to her. Her reply was “well this is awkward.”

If you reported it to the head, there is a very high possibility she could lose her job, is that something you could live with doing to her and her family?

No, I couldn't. And if it impacted my daughter I'd never forgive myself. It shouldn't, but in the real world these things do - heck I see it with 16yo's with parental political never mind 8yo's. I think in this instance, a message to make her shit herself enough into never doing it again will suffice.

She isn’t “one of your own” though. She’s gone rogue and needs to be reprimanded for her behaviour. She won’t get fired, but perhaps asked to go over her anti-bullying material.

Do you really have faith in her teaching and ability to handle bullying situations with her pupils if this is what she’s confidently doing?

What an absolute cow.

What sort of horrible person does that?

*politics

@CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend I would do your 1 and 2. They sound good.

Like you said, you still have to see this person, so things'd get very tense if you reported them. If you didn't have to see them it'd be different.

@flakymate

She isn’t “one of your own” though. She’s gone rogue and needs to be reprimanded for her behaviour. She won’t get fired, but perhaps asked to go over her anti-bullying material.

Do you really have faith in her teaching and ability to handle bullying situations with her pupils if this is what she’s confidently doing?

What I mean is, the last few months have been so stressful for all teachers and it's not an easy industry to be in right now. Where I live it's hard to find good teaching jobs too.

She was a very good teacher to my kids, and I do hope she'd cope with bullying well. I don't know, it's so hard

Would you handle it the same way if you saw her bullying another parent? One who wasn’t ‘one of her own?’.

Oh wow. That’s nasty and totally uncalled for.... ( besides who looks their absolute best on the school run! Not the point but stupid comment aside from the main thing of being hateful)

I think I’d be shameless, post the screen shot and say you’d be happy to accept an apology, and that you only hope she doesn’t teach children to judge or make comments on other people’s appearances.

Don’t do 2 or at least not straight away. The best ‘punishment’ is to leave her wondering what you’re going to do. It will be worse than anything you could do.

Also, 1 sounds a bit like maybe you didn’t see it. I’d say: ‘I did see that screenshot before it was deleted’.

@Shelby2010 i would probably do the same and PM her and hope the other parent hadn't seen

@CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend

Wow, thank you all for your messages so much great advice!

Reading through, I don't want to ignore it. They'll just assume they deleted it quickly and I didn't see.

Re reporting to the Head - a PP is right when they said she'd get a ticking off and I would be hated for getting Ms Campbell into trouble! Plus, I'm a teacher too in a secondary school. I don't like to land one of my own in it (even if she is a great big twat).

So what does everyone think of this:

1. Reply in the thread "I don't think I was meant to see that deleted screenshot was I?" (As a bit of self serving comeuppance/making them all shit themselves)

1. PM the mum who sent it and say something along the lines of, from one teacher to another, you need to be careful about forming allegiances with other parents and bitching about another mum. Whilst I won't report it, another person would and so you need to be more professional. Also as a teacher to another, we teach pupils about online bullying and we need to set that example too. I am a PSHE lead and I am happy to send resources to you about appropriate online communications that I use in my teaching?

Can't help but get a PA dig in there at the end

Do 2, i think that's an excellent approach.

Please don't do 1, please don't draw attention to it in the group. You don't want more people gossiping in addition to those who she presumably intended it for in the first place.

I think you should be more direct in your message to her. Something like "I did see your message, it did upset me and I do have a screenshot". Then your bit about setting an example as teachers about not bullying. I wouldn't send the first message and I would leave her hanging for a bit about whether you will report it or not. If she apologises then you can confirm you won't take it any further.

Absolutley both! If you do 1 on n it’s own she’ll think you’re too soft to do anything about anything and will probably screenshot your pm and send it to whoever she meant to send the first message to with a bit just comment. Do both though and she’ll think twice about it!

@CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend karma is a beautiful thing. As soon as she sees your name pop up in her inbox she’s going to feel completely sick. One post on the group, one post to her, beautiful, styled head held high.

I tell you something, I look like absolute DEATH on the school run, I’m sure very similar comments are made about me and many others!

I think your response isn't great tbh.

I would be much more direct, in one line, in the what's app group.

Along the lines of what others suggested eg 'That was unpleasant and also unprofessional' (@AllAboutHallowsEve suggestion).

I wouldn't bother with 'clever' replies. I agree about not reporting to the Head, I wouldn't either.

I absolutely wouldn't send the DM, it's completely PA but also opens it up unnecessarily. She was a bitch. Call it out as such.

I'm sorry as I'd be really hurt by something like this. I'd be right back in my teenage years, despite knowing they were the problem. 💐

I wouldn’t want them to lose their job, which is why I would directly ask for an apology.

Yep you definitely have to let them know you’ve seen it. Otherwise they think they got away with it and it keeps that nasty little undercurrent flowing along.

I think you've left it a bit too long to write anything on the original what's app group to say you saw it. So now I think just a private message to her to say you saw the message before she deleted it and from one teacher to another you don't think it was very professional of her or setting a good example. A bit like your option 2 but less wordy and take out the bit about resources. If you can leave a bit of doubt in her mind that you might report it even better.

My concern is, if this happened between pupils in her class what would she do? Would she tell the victim they’re overreacting and should man up because she doesn’t see an issue? I mean, she clearly thinks it’s normal behaviour

I won't send anything tonight as it might be a bit weird doing it so late on. I'll sleep on it and do it tomorrow before I see her on Monday

I don't think I look especially shit on the school run BTW

I agree with both but think your second message is too wordy.
I’d send the first “whoops, I don’t think that was for me” then a private message to say that you were hurt by the message and shocked that given her role, she would engage in cyber bullying. Don’t reply to her response, it will be excuses and “bants”. Just make your point succinctly, and move on.
I’m sorry you were hurt that way.

YY to waiting to see if she apologises before confirming that you won't report! I like the idea of making her sweat a bit tbh

I’m sure very similar comments are made about me and many others!

Really? I mean this obviously does happen - hence the post from OP - but no-one I know would even think about what anyone looks like on the school run.

They are bitchy in many other ways but not like this!