So hurt for my daughter - do I say something?

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I am really upset and want to check it’s reasonable to say anything and if so what and when.
I don’t think my sister in law likes us all that much, but it’s always civil and not unpleasant, she just doesn’t pursue any relationship with me or closeness for the cousins really, but does always take me up on invitations. I feel kept at arms length by my brother too, but again, always comes anywhere they’re invited and stays in touch at least once a week. I tried to push a closer relationship, but it’s clear they don’t want that, so for the last several years, I just backed right off and am here if they need, rather than trying to be friends per se. The exception to this has always been my daughter and niece, they are 6 months apart. They are close and get on well, and we have my niece for sleepovers etc sometimes, they’ve got their own relationship going. We are always invited to their parties etc.
They are 8.
This year my brother told me his daughter didn’t want a party. She was going to catch up with “a couple of friends” one day, us the next, and then the grandparents the following weekend. I said: “we can drop daughter off to one of those other things, we don’t all have to come”. He insisted that she’d asked to spend the day just with us, and “didn’t want a party”. It all felt weird, and like we were being ring fenced, I don’t know but convinced myself I was paranoid.
Cue today: SIL posts a bunch of pictures on Instagram, they’ve had a full on, pony ride party with a bunch of kids, has to be 30. Its a mix of their friends kids and school friends so it’s not just a school party, and anyway, they said there was no party?
It’s allowed here, btw.
We are supposed to have our catch up tomorrow and I just feel sick to my stomach. I felt they were leaving us out and this was our consolation to make us feel better, and I was right! For some reason they need to segregate us away from their friends and family. I have no idea what’s happened, and my daughter is 8! The girls haven’t had words, nothing like that, I’m so confused!
Do I say something? I just feel crushed for my daughter who thinks they’re besties. I don’t know how to act tomorrow! I want to cancel, but it’s not my niece’s fault! What do I do?

They did turn up, and they’d had an argument. After initial awkwardness (due to their argument and tension in the air) we did have a good time and it was nice. Being around other people probably was good for after the argument too?

They did say that the party was a joint party with a dancing friend. So they each only invited a couple of guests because they knew each others guests in common and they had uninvited siblings turn up that they had to pay for which they were annoyed about. This makes sense, I think it could have been the “couple of friends” get together that my brother envisioned and then it blew out. I think that’s entirely possible. I do think he played it down for some reason that doesn’t feel good - they thought I’d react badly maybe, but still, I think it wasn’t how it seemed. I don’t think I would have reacted badly, and it isn’t nice to feel “managed”. There was a party, and it was for school and dancing friends only, and that’s fine! So just say that. Not being frank just made it so much worse!

So... niece had a nice time, daughter had a nice time, and it was all ok in the end. And I’m 100% certain that my niece doesn’t secretly not like my daughter, they had a wonderful time and lots of hugs and my niece asked to come over, so that was most important and that’s great. And they asked in an “assuming to be involved” way what we had planned for my other daughter’s birthday in two weeks, so even though it’s not an initiating invitation, they did seem to want to join, I didn’t bring it up and had in fact planned not to involve them, so... maybe they do feel they have to manage me, maybe they have other things going on which impacts our relationship with them even though I don’t know what that is, maybe it’s nothing to do with me, who knows?
Definitely made me look at myself and leave it to them from now on, I still think that’s the best way.

That's good news Op.
Yes, it's not nice to feel you've been 'managed' as you say, but this incident has shown you (and lots of helpful comments on this thread) that if you get over invested, people sometimes feel that's the only way to cope with the other person.

Your brothers family sound like they really do want to be involved with you. You're lucky you're not in the situation many find themesleves where family genuinely don't want to know or ever see other parts of the family or cousins. It's just about the level of expectation and letting people make their own choices and accepting there are separate lives as well as overlaps.

So glad the day went okay and there hasn't been a break down of the relationship and you feel pretty much okay about it all. That's brilliant and it's testament to you that you didn't do some of the things people on this thread suggested about cutting them off, cancelling yesterday or making a big scene.

Or they are Mumsnetters too.

Whoops, should have refreshed!

So it was a total storm in a teacup, based on a misunderstanding and fluid circumstances about a child’s party, and it’s a good thing the OP didn’t follow some of the frankly batshit advice she was given on the thread and escalate it to all-out hostilities?

sounds like your brother could not bring himself to explain the situation

move on, it was not a big deal at all.

So..they still had a party (albeit a joint one) and each girl invited a few friends? Even if we say they invited 5 -6 guests each, a whopping number of nearly 20 "uninvited siblings" turned up?
I'd find that very strange and of course DB still technically lied. But if you are happy to forgive and forget, then that's your relationship with DB salvaged.

They played it down because they knew you would come over all arsey about it and if this is the case they were right because you did.

Maybe with you earning 10-20 times nore than them they thought you looked down your nose at them which again you have been, on a public forum.

Hi OP
I suspect there is more going on behind those closed doors than mess. So many scenarios - including one where your db wasn’t lying but your sil took the bull by the horns and arranged one. Where they aren’t in a great place financially - your brother is aware and your sil is oblivious or ignoring or doesn’t think it’s that bad.

In all elements - it isn’t you. It’s them.

BTW to others who have said they feel uncomfortable being with wealthier siblings? I LOVE it - get better food, wine and presents 🤣 we all love entertaining though and do it to our own budget. We love each other so we don’t care ❤️

I can’t see how they’ve been rude tbh. They had a party with friends and then a meet up to celebrate with you and your DD. I said this in my other response but family usually think they trump all others and this can get in the way of enjoying yourself. I can’t relax round my in-laws and I can’t be myself whereas I can around my friends and my DC’s friends parents. I can make jokes, take the piss and have a drink. I feel my in-laws are watching me all the time. She probably wanted a stress free party.

I have to agree with pp's re the close relationship and wanting the birthday child to play with other friends & school friends - I now do the same as otherwise Ds just plays with his cousin & misses out on playing with his friends.

Sometimes people just don't say what they really mean.

Even if it's not that reason nothing you can do so just join in the family lunch. Don't challenge their birthday arrangements it's their choice at the end of the day.

I switched off halfway through reading this

I'd have to mention something if it was my brother. It would eat away at me if I didn't

Are you very sensitive? My guess is that your brother thought that this was kinder than saying the truth. Can't you ask him to say the truth next time because you'd understand if it was school friends only and it's great that dd can spend one on one time with niece and have a party of their own.

Yanbu to be shocked to see photos of an event that you were told wasn't happening.

Step away I’ve gone through this shit with my own family . It really isn’t worth the heartache . When the blinkers have dropped down and you really see people for who they really are and after the year we’ve had I now do , it’s not worth the game play l be happy with your family . I spent years trying to please look after help out for very little return . No more . Don’t heap that on your daughter make her life happy without out reliance on the cousin she doesn’t need this to make her happy honestly 😊

I would have commented on the post along the lines of "Wow, looks like a great party!"

You sound like you are massively over thinking this. My guess is your feelings weren’t top of their list when organising their 8 year old daughters birthday. In the nicest possible way, stop making a mountain out of a molehill and move on.

Just remember that can work both ways. Don’t invite them to your DD party.

Just ask your brothers straight out with it, no messing about. He is your brother. Can I have a word, i noticed the pictures, I'm sorry if I've offended you some how but why the snub

I would be saying something, not sure what but just need to get to the bottom of if there is an issue of some sort so that it can be sorted and you can relax and the kids can just be kids. They probably haven't thought how it may upset your DD if she found out.

I would be annoyed at being lied to, I hate people being passive aggressive - which is exactly how they've behaved. I think its ridiculous excluding a little girl from her cousins birthday party, who cares if she doesn't know any of the school friends- what a nonsensical argument; she can hardly get to know them if she never meets them! My children have lots of cousins on my partners side, they are all always invited to one anothers partys along with the school friends (not currently due to UK covid restrictions). I'm not close to my sister in laws (partner has 3 sisters) but I wouldn't dream of excluding the cousins.

I'm also surprised by how many people/posts say that keeping in touch once a week constitutes a close relationship- depends on the quality of that time- you can have small talk with someone once a week, that doesn't mean you're close, and being as you haven't gone into any detail about the quality of the time I find it bizarre people can make that judgement.

You have every right to be annoyed and feel hurt for your little girl.

I think you’re over reacting. They said ‘no party’ so they didn’t offend you. You could be coming across as a bit pushy?

I’m not going to tell you what to do but I just want to say that this has happened to me too. So I know how shitty it feels. But over the years I have come to the conclusion that my brother is jealous of me and the relationship I have with my husband (he is twice divorced we have been together over 22yrs), jealous of the fact we own our house outright and are successful, jealous of the fact we have just one child (don’t hate me for saying this it’s personal - just trust me he hates the fact he has three). He is classic middle child and now lives so far away he rarely sees his kids so it’s all retrospective I guess. At the time of this shit happening I casually drop it into my parents to earn brownie points I guess and make them feel sorry for us but in all honesty my dd was not bothered...I guess because they go to different schools so she would have felt a fish out of water anyway. My dd didn’t ask about it so I didn’t have that awkwardness of answering it but if she did I’d have just said she wouldn’t have enjoyed it anyway because she wouldn’t known anyone.

Incidentally when my dd has had a bday party we have always invited all cousins and they have usually come. I will continue to do that where appropriate too. I want to be the better person lol!

My dd is quite mature And quiet around new people and tbh doesn’t get invited to many parties anyway at school either. It used to bug me but now I realise that the few friends she has are really great friends and she is totally happy and that’s all that matters.

Ironically when she sees her cousins at standard family parties they are thick as thieves and stick together like glue much to the dismay of my brother lmao.

He’s outright lied to you, so I’d definitely say something. If your kids are friends it’s no ones place to prevent that. Some people just need to give themselves a talking to and stop being shit to others.

Your right it's not your neices fault. I would still see her. However I would also ask how her party was yesterday and say its a shame dd wasn't invited. I would then point out to your brother that he best have a bloody good excuse why dd was not invited because family trumps friends when it comes to these things especially when the kids seem to be friends. What do your parents think of your siblings behaviour assuming they are still around?