Refusing home learning = school welfare

[Myworldyourworld]

My son is coming up 14 all through lock down he has refused to do any home learning. I contacted the school and told them it was hard for him to follow the time table. As I have a child with special needs who does not sleep well. So it means we sometimes sleep later in the mornings. They said it could be more flexible as long as its done. Son still did not do it.

They did say its possible he could go into school under being vulnerable due to his sibling having special needs and it being difficult... but nothing became of this.

My son was also questioned how it would be better for him and he said if he had all his work on paper.. so they did that for him still nothing from him.

I contacted the school on a few occasions for help. As I did not know what to do. They have tried to support. But I guess there's only so much they can do.

He also got emails from the school. Some were positive encouragement. Others were more firm and spoke about how let down they felt and how hard they have tried. He also had a phone call from head of year.

Head of year called Me several days back and told me school welfare are going to pay us a visit. She said it was not a reflection on me. But to try and push my son into doing something. I told him what was happening and he still did nothing.

So tonight welfare officer knocks on the door. They have said I could get fined because hes not been doing work. And have given him till Friday to get a decent amount of work done. They are coming back on Friday. If there's no improvement they may refere to social services.

He is excellent in school his attendance is good. He's top set for everything.

At the moment he's not allowed his playstation. I can't turn of Internet as his older brother is doing A levels so he needs it.

@FredaFlintstone

He's not done anything at all?

There's just no excuse for that and I'm sorry op but you don't sound engaged enough or issuing any consequences at all.

How do you 'make' a child work? You log onto their Google Classrooms or whatever, pick an assignment then give it to them and tell them to bloody well do it now and bring it to you when done. Then repeat.

And until they do there is NO PlayStation, no phone, no treats and lights off at 8pm. And do that every day until he realises you will not put up with his shit and school work is compulsory, not something he can decide not to do.

And when the child flatly refuses do work, then what?

I can’t make my 5 year old do school work... anymore than I could make him eat when he was a baby. Of course you can’t make a 14 year old do school work. You can threaten, you can bribe but if that doesn’t work, all you can do is leave him to it and he will suffer the consequences.

Most 14 year old boys are bigger than their mothers, perfectly capable of getting up and leaving the house, simply won't comply with your little sanctions, get angry etc

True, they are capable of doing all of those things but thankfully the majority of teenagers still respect their parents.

So many 15/16 boys turn to mush at the mere suggestion of phoning home to discuss detentions, lack of work or behaviour.
I’ve had tears from even the biggest lads!

There will always be a minority who seriously do not care whatever you try-Parents say: ‘I can’t get them to do anything either Mrs.Bettys, we don’t know what to do’
If their own parents can’t reason with them, how are we meant to?!

Deregister and home educate?

14 is such a hard age to parent. Is his dad around? Some young men really need that strong male influence to make them cop in and treat their mam with respect. Its hormonal.

Honestly though you absolutely should be stopping him going out and meeting friends, that is completely unacceptable. Would you take all his gadgets off him and let him earn them, ie a hour of schoolwork 30 minutes gaming?

It’s too late now, but I’m just wondering why you didn’t keep pushing for him to be in school. You said they mentioned it but nothing came of it. Did you not ask again once you knew he still wasn’t doing anything?

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore

I can’t make my 5 year old do school work... anymore than I could make him eat when he was a baby. Of course you can’t make a 14 year old do school work. You can threaten, you can bribe but if that doesn’t work, all you can do is leave him to it and he will suffer the consequences.

That's it exactly. Ypu can't make kids do it if they don't want to. I suspect many posters on here are much older who've never homeschooled or have the ideal children (the same children who loved sitting colouring-in in restaurants aged 2). Mine would use the crayons as cars or a train

@BettysButtons

Dumpling: So let's say the OPs son is a 'genuine' refused, and is suffering from MH, behaviour or other issues.... now what?

If the OP’s son is a school refuser, his school refers his case to outside agencies who work with the family - which is exactly what has happened here.
Everything of this nature is outsourced thanks to Government policy.

But what can the OP do in the meantime? These things can often take months to even get started. And if the intervention doesn't work?

But what can the OP do in the meantime? These things can often take months to even get started.
And if the intervention doesn't work?

Sadly, not a lot.
MH and children’s services are underfunded and woefully inadequate (thanks to year on year Gov cuts) Schools are powerless to do anything.

So tonight welfare officer knocks on the door. They have said I could get fined because hes not been doing work. And have given him till Friday to get a decent amount of work done. They are coming back on Friday. If there's no improvement they may refere to social services.

They may well refer- if social services do anything at all it is going to be at the Early Help level, without compulsion and with an attempt to be supportive. My eldest, also 14, is in an alternative placement- he does feck all work at home and so has been given a part time place to attend in person during the pandemic. They can't get him to do much work there either, but at least that evidences he is refusing rather than that we can't be bothered to make him try.

I'd self refer to Early Help or its equivalent in your area if I were you (I have done so myself in the past). Show them you want support, you are concerned, it is not a case of you not bothering.

I can't make my 8 year old work (SEN). Neither can DH. We are both teachers and pretty good at getting work out of reluctant students when they are other people's children. We have tried everything.

OP, do as others have suggested and politely but very firmly push the school to put him on the vulnerable list.

Then spend next week rebuilding your relationship with him.

If he's a decent student in school then this is likely depression or anxiety and being authoritarian won't get you anywhere. And for the sake of a week, it's not worth it.

I agree with @LockdownBear.

Can you ring the school today and ask if he can attend for the next week under vulnerable children provisions. I don't think it's too late - surely the sooner he gets settled back in to a routine the better.

Ignore some of the parenting know it all's here. I have a 13 year old and a 11 year old with severe learning difficulties - every day is a juggle of needs and doing that on little sleep grinds you down.

@Lastfreakinglegs

Deregister and home educate?

Are you on the right thread?! He works in school but not not at home!

@FredaFlintstone you are mixing up 4 year olds with 14 year olds. If you haven't been in that situation, you are chirping obliviously

I have a 13 year old ds (who is much taller than me if that's relevant).

I had a lovely out of the blue call from his head of year in the last week of January expressing concern about the lack of completed work he was handing in.

This was totally my fault as a parent. Ds1 had been 'working' 9-3 daily. Assuring me all was OK. I believed him and let him self manage which was a big mistake. I gave far too much freedom to a child and overestimated his self motivation.

He has no MH or behavioural issues. All set 1's, very intelligent. But he can, like I imagine most teenage boys can, tend towards being a bit of a lazy shit. Which is exactly what he'd been...messing about on you tube during school, thinking with the arrogance of a 13 year old that he wouldnt get caught.

He had an instant ban from all technology and a 9pm bedtime from then on. Plus the biggest row he's had for years. He knew he'd fucked up massively.

Then we sat down and went through his work and I spent until last week helping him catch up. Making lists, helping him organise and micro managing his every assignment. Which he hated. My life has been horrendous for weeks and it's taken every second of spare time I've had. I have two other children, one preschool age and I work full time.

He's back on track now and imo has learnt a valuable lesson, that not completing his school work will not be tolerated by us. It would have been SO much easier for me to go 'oh let's have a fresh start next week, don't worry about the last months work, lockdown is hard' - but he would have learnt nothing from the experience. I'm still monitoring but I'm pretty sure that he won't risk letting himself fall behind in future.

If your teenager has MH issues or SEN, this won't apply obviously. But from what I can see there are a huge amount of parents using lockdown and the pandemic as an excuse for ineffectual parenting and letting your teenager get away with absolute murder.

Your kids will generally have the same attitude towards the importance of education as the parent ime. If you don't care, don't expect them to.

Reality he'll be back in school in about 10 days - why stress now?

Work on improving his MH so he's ready to reconnect with school

@mam0918

sounds like you make a lot of excuses for him.

like what has 'we sleep late' got to do with anything?

We would all like to sleep late, many of us have babies that are up all night and toddlers going through sleep regression etc... plus many of us are carers too, we still get our asses up while tired and home school our older children just as we would have to get up and take them to school in normal times its called parenting.

This is the equivilent of you not taking your child to school, its not the schools fault your making excuses for him not showing up during school time and not doing any work, theres nothing they can do except fine you for not doing your part.

If he sees you setting the example of lying in, being lazy and making excuses for everything why should he feel that he needs to do anything different.

Sounds like you are quite ignorant and limited in thinking.

This is the equivilent of you not taking your child to school,
It really isn't.

its not the schools fault your making excuses for him not showing up during school time and not doing any work
What excuses? Where has OP said this is the school's fault? Are you confused as to the difference between an explanation and an excuse?

So your son keeps making excuses for why he can't do something...

And you are making excuses here for why you can't do something...

... Hmm. I wonder if there might be a connection? Hmm.

Of course you can’t make a 14 year old do school work. You can threaten, you can bribe but if that doesn’t work, all you can do is leave him to it and he will suffer the consequences.

I think ultimately it comes down to this. DD (also 14) doesn't like home schooling but she hates the idea of falling behind and so just gets on with it. She knows that lockdown isn't forever so is just looking ahead. She chooses her options in April and those who've put the effort in and sent in the required work etc. get priority in their choices.

I do feel sorry for you OP, but maybe the time has come for him to deal with the consequences of his actions. Hopefully when he goes back in March he'll have a 'shit, I need to do a lot of catching up' moment and will work his arse off?

But I don't think it's the school's fault. Plenty of kids are struggling with home schooling but I don't think that warrants getting a school place during a pandemic.

The majority of teens do care and respect their parents - a bit, at least, but anger, depression, anxiety, worry, loneliness, isolation, global pandemics, incipient economic meltdown, uncertain futures all tend to add a certain edge.... not unreasonably I'd say.

I'm a passionate believer in education but I think the way kids have been told to carry on like it is all ok is utterly compassionless.

Change the wifi password daily. He (and any other children who need it) have to bring their devices to you to enter it. If they're not doing the work and are instead fucking about, change it again.

I'm not saying any of this is easy but there's a clear solution to your wifi issue.

@14down

Step up and parent him. It's not difficult..

Have a for the most judgmental unhelpful comment of the thread.

I can’t make my 5 year old do school work... anymore than I could make him eat when he was a baby. Of course you can’t make a 14 year old do school work

Don't be ridiculous.

You can't compare. I can't 'make' my 3 year old put his own shoes on never mind homeschool if he's not in the mood.

But he's a very young child that doesn't yet have the emotional or mental maturity to understand all reasonings or consequences. Due, obviously, to his age.

Assuming no SEN, this isn't the case with teenagers. Holding your hands up and going 'oh but they don't listen to me' is a reflection of the parent, not the teenager.

@RedToothBrush

So your son keeps making excuses for why he can't do something...

And you are making excuses here for why you can't do something...

... Hmm. I wonder if there might be a connection? Hmm.

How extremely helpful. Which "excuses" on OP's part are you referring to?

It might be worth looking at the SIBS Website and having another chat with the school - there is quite a lot on there about the barriers to learning siblings of SN children can experience and the long term impact.

I suspect a lot people underestimate the overall impact of living with and caring for somebody with disabilities. It has a ripple effect on the whole family. I know my eldest enjoys school, his friends and Xbox as an escape and his bit of normal.

I'm a passionate believer in education but I think the way kids have been told to carry on like it is all ok is utterly compassionless.

They haven’t been told that at all. It’s all been about MH and safeguarding this year.
The OP’s DS is in the minority. Most children have been given support AND tried to make it work.