If your mum was a SAHM, are you one too?

[user2021]

And vice versa, so if your mum worked out of the home, did you follow in her footsteps or did you become a SAHM?

I did exactly what my own mother did.
Established in profession
Took 6 years out to be SAHM when children small
Back to profession when youngest starts school.
Worked well for both of us!

My DM was a SAHM until the youngest of us reached pre-school age, then she did a degree part time and then a series of PT jobs/volunteering with periods of unemployment. She never worked more than one day a week though or two evenings a week iirc. I also work PT but I went back to work after mat leave and I work 30hrs a week so a lot more than she did. But she helps me with one day a week childcare which she wouldn't have had with us as she didn't live anywhere near any family for support. She may have worked more if she had more support with childcare.

My mum worked part time (self employed podiatrist). She did hours that enabled her to work around school hours and mostly from her clinic at home. I think I recall being glad she was around because I was a real homebody - quiet and lazy - I enjoyed reading books and watching TV. We did some activities (swimming lessons, guides etc) but I would have been quite happy to just be at home after school. So it was good in that sense.

However, our mum didn't really engage with us in terms of playing and talking so I wouldn't have said it helped our relationship. We were never close.

Although she gave the reason as being "the children" why she only worked part time, I think it was just as much to do with the fact that my dad did not expect to lift a finger at home and expected her to serve him whenever he was home. He came home for lunch every day and expected (and got) a hot meal and pudding ready. So in reality once mum had done the breakfasts, school run, walked the dogs and worked a couple of hours she had to stop and make a cooked lunch. A couple of hours more work and it was time for school pick up. She didn't seem to enjoy her life much (I can see why) and her unhappiness and resentment must have had some effect as I decided when I was still primary age that I would never get married as it seemed so unappealing!

Once at secondary I started to actively dislike how much she was around and envied friends who could have relaxed slobby days in the hols when their mums were at work. Mine always seemed to be telling me off and invading my privacy. Like I said, if we were close I may have seen it quite differently.

I work full time. I did (despite my vow) get married and have children but I was always adamant I would be independent and not slave over a man. By a stroke of luck my children are the opposite to me when I was young - total extroverts who love stimulation and being out of the house, so wrapround care never seemed to faze them. During lockdown I WFH so see a lot more of them which is lovely but they seem very bored and are constantly wishing to be back at school. When I am not working I make sure to spend quality time with them even if it is not all day everyday. I am happier than my mum ever seemed to be.

Interesting question. I am currently not working but can't cope with the boredom. My mother worked on and off, and was encouraging for a long time of me working, but then said full time was too much. It is, but it's also very hard to find part time jobs that pay enough to be worth it after childcare.

I work as did my DM and DGM. DGM worked part time, and both DM and I have had periods of working part time to fit around kids. Both my DF and DP have also done part time work to fit around kids though too.

My dm worked part time sometimes but didn't need to as DF earned enough for her to stay at home if she wished. She did decided to in the end. She became quite nasty and dismissive about women who worked so if I'm honest it affected my view in the opposite way. I hated how sniffy she was about women who worked so I went the other way.

I know my family well enough to know she wasn't made to give up work but she felt it was a higher class image to be at home. Her behaviour was quite unpleasant and it made me hero worship career women.

Its balanced for me. I used to do long hours. Then I worked from home. Then covid hit and for a variety of reasons i had to not work.

I suppose if I learnt anything from my DM on this it was that it doesnt really matter either way ,a relationship with your DC is more important, my DM was physically there but not very pleasant and it took decades to find a better relationship with her.

1950s/1960s/1970s: My grandmothers were both SAHMs, even after all their children were in school/went to uni/left home. They effectively gave up their jobs as soon as they got married, even before they got pregnant.

1990s: My mother was a SAHM for about 10 years in the 1990s until my youngest sibling went to school, then worked part-time with hours fitting around school pick-ups and drop-offs.

2020s: I have a toddler and I work part-time 2 days a week. This will probably remain the case until DC are all at school when I'll look to go full-time, or at least increase my hours to get closer ro full-time hours.

So if I were to define myself, I'd say I'm a part-time SAHM 5 days a week . Shows how society has changed.

@SophieGiroux

My mum worked while my friends mums were at home. I always vowed that I would be at home for my children so trained for a job that has enabled me to be flexible.

Same here.

I vowed to myself that I would always be available for my DC for as long as they needed me.

I've never really forgiven my own mother for prioritising her career over me, it led to some awful situations, the scars of which I still carry today.

My grandmothers never worked. My mother worked until she had her children, and after that she worked part time evenings while we were small. She's 84 now. She never had a career but she became a bit of a high flyer on various committees. I think if she had been born later, she would have been successful in business, but her father would not allow her to go to university or do anything but follow the path he chose for her. I have always worked, but only part time since having children and really only to help make ends meet. They are adults now, and I could work full time but I don't really want to. I'm grateful that DH loves his work and is happy for me to take a more traditional role (ie he says he feels privileged to have me around taking care of things at home) He's never stood in my way though. If I had wanted a career I'd have had his full support. Of that I'm certain.

My Mum worked part-time and I work full-time in a highly skilled role (I’m a ex-pat scientist with a PhD working in pharma).

It never occurred to me to be a SAHM, like it never occurred to DH to be a SAHD.

Mine was a SAHM for at least 10 yrs but looks back and would have liked a career. She didn't have us 24/7 though because we had a nanny etc.
I work p/t.

@GreenWillow

Do you feel the same about your father?

She was sahm. However, she did some part time work as we got older. I really looked up to her when she was juggling work and us. I did feel she was dependent on our dad for income and it’s a position I didn’t want to be in with dh. I also want my dc to see me working - I think it’s positive to show mum has a career, especially for girls. I definitely don’t work the hours I used to to ensure I’m there every evening when they get home etc
I think ideal world is part time when they’re under 5 and then back to full time after that . Part time means they can may be go to nursery one day a week/grandparents and also have quality time with you. Personally , I also needed to work to have adult time and it makes me mentally a better mum - but that’s just me.

Mine was and she is a childminder, so at home with us, and yes I've done the same.

My dad had the "big job" though so it was important for me that dh had wfh/flexi options & also gets to do pick ups/drop offs.

My mum had to stay at home when we were little as she was on her own and couldn't afford childcare. She worked part time when we were older.

It made me want to work to provide my own financial security so we would never struggle like she did. That hasn't completely panned out due to covid but we'll get there.

My mum worked up until having us then was a SAHM. She instilled in us the values of working and the value of time with family.

I have done the same, I am looking at a job that fits around my son once he's at school, I want to be able to pick him up, drop off and be there in the holidays.

My mum was at home then worked very part time once I was at school.. which seemed very much the norm in the time / place I grew up. Looking back I think she might have been happier if she’d been able to keep working (I don’t think she enjoyed parenting that much / or I might have just been a horrible dc..)
I mostly worked part time around the dc / husband’s job, but that was partly due to having dc young, and not having the qualifications to really build a career. Now I’m a single mum, but my disability means I can’t really WOH. I’m glad to be able to stay home with them though, and it’s meant I can home ed at various times when school wasn’t working.

My mum gave up a successful career to be a sahm/housewife. She was utterly miserable and I'm sure she would have been a better mother had she had a life outside the home.
I work full time. So does my husband, but no one ever questions that.

The thing is if your parents are now in their 60s/70s I assume maternity leave was much shorter when they had dc? whereas I had 14 months with each dc. Likely there was also less flexibility in terms of flexi hours, part time working too.

My mother (born in the 1920s) went back part time when my youngest sibling started primary school. She was a teacher so always had school holidays off.

My paternal grandmother (born in the 1890s) also went back to work after having children, but I don't know how old they were when she went back. She was also a teacher.

I went back part time when my eldest was 5 months, but I had a couple of years off after the second (by which time the eldest was 4 and could start primary school). There was no help with childcare in those days and it wasn't worth paying for two children in full time nursery and the costs of a long commute.

I did enjoy being a stay at home mother, but was glad to go back and couldn't imagine being at home all day while they were at school.

I worked 3 days a week which gave me a good balance initially and gradually increased it to 3.5, then 4 then 5 as they got older.

My mum was a childminder so worked but from home with me there, she's made it very clear over the years when various family members have had children and gone back to work that she doesn't approve of women working out of the home once they have children, I don't have DC yet but she'll be in for a shock as I very much doubt I will be able to afford to be a SAHM (will hopefully be able to take reduced/condensed hours though).

Mother was a sahm and I was for 10 years. When I went to work, I discovered that it was MUCH less work than being a sahm. I wish that I’d worked sooner to be honest, I think that everyone would have been happier.

The thing is if your parents are now in their 60s/70s I assume maternity leave was much shorter when they had dc? whereas I had 14 months with each dc. Likely there was also less flexibility in terms of flexi hours, part time working too

Not just that, women were expected to give up work on marriage, or having children. So no need for mat leave.

My mum is nearly 80. She gave up work on marriage, and that was the norm then. Back when I was young after school clubs and wraparound care didn’t exist, and in the main the school run didn’t either. From reception age I walked to the corner of the street and caught the school bus with all the other kids.

It was nearly impossible to have young kids and a full time job, unless you had grandparents to help.

In the late 70’s things got a bit more progressive and many women got part time jobs for their own sanity. The glass ceiling for women was very low though and only men had proper jobs and careers.

My mum was a SAHM, I work FT.

My mum always spouted that she liked to be there for assemblies and sports day and the like but I am lucky enough to have a job that lets me do those things too.
She also liked to say she liked being able to take us to school and pick us up but we never did fun things like going to the park or the shop for some sweets. We used to watch tv while she made dinner. It wasn’t really any extra time together.

She was very scathing about my decision to work FT but I don’t care. It’s the right decision for my family.