If your mum was a SAHM, are you one too?

[user2021]

And vice versa, so if your mum worked out of the home, did you follow in her footsteps or did you become a SAHM?

@JaneNorman also I should add that my father was a warm, loving character who was the one who emotionally supported us as well as being the bread winner. My mother was more interested in watching TV / socialising than bringing us up.

My mum worked full time and I hated it!

She did however have a year off at one point, which I loved for the first 6 months but then she became quite unmotivated and I hated that more.

I suppose part time would have been the compromise but that wasn’t an option and we can’t all have what we’d like always.

My mum worked FT, I work FT. I’d never give up my career

My Mum gave up work the minute she was married in the late 60's.

I had a well paying career until I had my kids. I then changed jobs and went part time after not working for 9 months after having the kids. Worked between 15-20 hours a week ever since. But WFH jobs. Absolutely needed because the kids have disabilities and many medical appointments.

My friends and I have had this conversation at different stages for years, and some have said they have put their career before staying at home with their children as that what makes them happy, there is nothing wrong with that, why do you think there is ???

I've noticed that there is a tendency on these threads to present WOH as something that makes the mother happy, while SAH is more for the benefit of the children. I really don't think it's that straightforward.

Of course, there are some women who give up careers that they love in order to do what they think is best for their children, but equally, there are plenty of SAHMs who choose to SAH because they never really enjoyed going to work anyway.

Equally, there will certainly be mums who choose to work because it's good for their mental health, self esteem or whatever, but equally, there are plenty of women who genuinely believe that it will be much better for their children if both parents work - either because of the kind of relationship/aspirations that they want to model for their kids or because of the benefits to children of growing up in a higher income household.

Neither side is right or wrong, but let's not subtly frame the chouce as one that is best for the kids and one that is best for the mother, as the reality is far more nuanced and complex than that.

Where are the fathers in this?They usually stay FT unencumbered and no one asks a new dad if he’s planning to go PT or give up work
It’s always the women who are expected to step down or give up.never men

My DM was a SAHM while we were small then went back to work part time. I did the same, then went full time when my youngest started secondary school. I enjoyed being a SAHM, but I'm very sure my DM didn't.

My maternal grandmother worked but my paternal grandmother didn't. DH's mum always worked out of the home.

My mum worked around the children when we where younger but once we could get ourselves home from school she found full time work ( i think this was when I was around 8 - not sure I could have trusted mine to get home or even would want them to at that age now)

I come from a fairly big family and both grandmas worked and all my aunties did. Whether it be around the children schooling /night shifts as two of them are nurses or part time work or full time work.
My cousins & me all work - only one cousin whose wife is a SAHP.

I find it funny that most SAHMs take the 30 free hours. We both work 4 days a week so our 4 year old actually spends more time at home than 4 year olds with a SAHM even once you're accounting for longer days and all year round Vs term time only.
I didn't say they went for 30 hours. They did two mornings a week and then increased one of the days to a double session in the year before school. So I think it was about 9 hours a week. We did this to help get them ready for school.

My grandmother was a very hardworking woman and very thrifty and good at saving and managing money. My grandma worked from 14 until she retired.

My mother, never worked a day until she was 45 and was handed a job by a friend. My mum was a single mum, we were extremely poor, I had one pair of undies from 9yo until 14. I didn't get a bra until I was 16 and I had DD boobs. I always wanted a working mum, I wanted to be able to have clothes, food, a home phone. It never happened. My mum was a stay at home mum but never came to school events etc or looked after the home so we didn't benefit from her being a stay at home mum, she was too busy chasing men

I've been working since I was 16, Sometimes 4 jobs at a time while also juggling uni.

My mum never finished year 9 and didnt do any further study.

Where are the fathers in this?

I remember a thread on MN where a poster was most adamant that you simply can't have a proper relationship with your children if you're a working mum. You barely even see them, you have no idea who they are.

When asked how she could afford her SAHM life - well, DH works, challenging career, long hours, lots of travel.

• So you're saying DH is a shit parent there who has no connection with the children?

• of course not!! He's the best dad, so close, amazing relationship!

But even when the hypocrisy and contradiction was pointed out, she still kept insisting that her DH was an amazing dad, but any working mother basically throws her children to random wolves to raise.

It’s always the women who are expected to step down or give up.never men

As threads like this often imply, it’s not just expectation. The woman often wants to give up work to be a SAHM. Similar to some Dads don’t take shared parental leave because their wife/partner won’t give up any of their leave entitlement.

@JaneNorman

It’s always the women who are expected to step down or give up.never men

As threads like this often imply, it’s not just expectation. The woman often wants to give up work to be a SAHM. Similar to some Dads don’t take shared parental leave because their wife/partner won’t give up any of their leave entitlement.

I don’t think you can entirely separate off individual desires from gendered socialisation and cultural expectation, though.

My DH was a SAHD for a period. The number of people (mostly people who didn’t know us well) who were so surprised was staggering. He’s a completely hands on dad and always has been.
Equally as surprising was the number of mums who ‘wouldn’t want that’

My mum left when I was 2 years old but we visited her every fortnight for a few hours.
I always yearned for a mother presence in my life. My dad was amazing but worked FT as a motor mechanic and when he worked on the weekend me and my sister had to sit in the car he was fixing (sometimes in the snow) for hours while he got his work done.
Now I have had a child I have done the first 4 years SAHM/ some part time work while her dad has her and now she’s at school I work more or less FT with Tuesday afternoons off.

@Bourbonbiccy I agree with hubble and others. Your original post used language which suggested you were looking down on working mothers. You say they aren’t ‘cut out’ for being sahm for example. As Janenorman says that is a derogatory phrase. You follow up on much later posts that you also aren’t cut out for working - to try to defend your original post. It seems like in later posts you are grappling to twist everything you originally said to find some kind of answer to give you the upper hand.
I don’t think Hubble and others all misread your original post. I don’t want to enter into long debates with you because you don’t seem to be able to back down and admit that some elements of your post were phrased badly and it wasn’t what you meant.
I’m happy at home with kids by the way so same situation as you.

Mum was a SAHM (til she got a PT job when I was about 15)

I work PT (3 days a week) and have done since both DC under 1

My mum was a SAHM.. I work full time
although it is flexible.

@AlexaShutUp

My friends and I have had this conversation at different stages for years, and some have said they have put their career before staying at home with their children as that what makes them happy, there is nothing wrong with that, why do you think there is ???

I've noticed that there is a tendency on these threads to present WOH as something that makes the mother happy, while SAH is more for the benefit of the children. I really don't think it's that straightforward.

Of course, there are some women who give up careers that they love in order to do what they think is best for their children, but equally, there are plenty of SAHMs who choose to SAH because they never really enjoyed going to work anyway.

Equally, there will certainly be mums who choose to work because it's good for their mental health, self esteem or whatever, but equally, there are plenty of women who genuinely believe that it will be much better for their children if both parents work - either because of the kind of relationship/aspirations that they want to model for their kids or because of the benefits to children of growing up in a higher income household.

Neither side is right or wrong, but let's not subtly frame the chouce as one that is best for the kids and one that is best for the mother, as the reality is far more nuanced and complex than that.

Agree completely. Also, working Vs not working isn't binary. There are lots of approaches. Some parents I know:

2 x full time jobs but flexible
2 x full time jobs but on shifts so one parent often around
1 parent 3 days a week and another 4 days so 2 days of childcare
2 x 3 days a week with grandparents doing one day
2 parents x 4 days so 3 days in childcare

These are all v different

Dare I say that I also have run across SAHMs who seem to spend most of their time at playgroups ignoring their children (I went to one group for a year without realising which children belonged to one woman, so thoroughly did she ignore them even when actively asking for attention)

My mum was a sahm until my db started school, she has worked an extremely flexible part time job since then, that enabled her to go to work early in the mornings and be home before db and I woke up in the school holidays.

I lost my job due to covid before Christmas, ds is a year and a half, I've been looking and had a few interviews, with no success. Dh earns enough to cover everything, so I'm not under pressure to get a new job, I can work out if I enjoy being a sahm or not, mainly because I can't take ds out and dh has been wfh since we went into lockdown last year so we are limited with space and noise...

And yet more complexity in that many SAHMs do use childcare as well. So I know one SAHM who uses a childminder one day a week to get time to herself and also a working mother who works 3 days a week, as does her husband and they also use one day a week of childcare..

@Bourbonbiccy I agree with hubble and others. Your original post used language which suggested you were looking down on working mothers
I can't help how people choose to interpret what I say, although I'm not sure how you come to that conclusion that I down on them when the are my friends for years and have said they are happy with their choice although it wouldn't be mine.

You say they aren’t ‘cut out’ for being sahm for example. As Janenorman says that is a derogatory phrase.
Only if you see it that way, we say "cut out for it" meaning it's not for you, I'm not cut out for something that I wouldn't choose to do or be at my best at. I'm not "cut out" for being a bloody farmer, I'm not being derogative to farmers, it's not what I would choose to do !!

You follow up on much later posts that you also aren’t cut out for working - to try to defend your original post
Absolutely Not, I don't need to defend my original post it, was exactly what I wanted to say. I followed on to explain to some who couldn't seem to understand that I want cut out for going back to work yet.

seems like in later posts you are grappling to twist everything you originally said to find some kind of answer to give you the upper hand.
I don’t think Hubble and others all misread your original post

I clearly shown where they have misquote me, a few times, how you can you say i was the one twisting anything? Did you miss those bits.

"The upper hand" what are you on about, no one has the upper hand it's just a different choice. This mentality is half the problem.

I don’t want to enter into long debates with you because you don’t seem to be able to back down and admit that some elements of your post were phrased badly and it wasn’t what you meant
.
My god,I shouldn't have to "back down" it's not a backing down situation, I have my opinions of which some are misquoting and choosing to ignore and other simply don't agree with, which is fine, but I don't need to "back down" because other people tell me i can't word things a certain way.
I'm glad you don't want a long debate,neither do I again. especially if I am just going to have to keep correcting people misquoting me and explaining again and again my meaning.

I’m happy at home with kids by the way so same situation as you

Good @Sonicbloom I'm glad your happy with your choices.

And yet more complexity in that many SAHMs do use childcare as well. So I know one SAHM who uses a childminder one day a week to get time to herself and also a working mother who works 3 days a week, as does her husband and they also use one day a week of childcare..

Where I live it's quite common to have a SAHP and also send the DC to nursery two days a week. Sounds like a dream to me!

ive noticed that there is a tendency on these threads to present WOH as something that makes the mother happy, while SAH is more for the benefit of the children. I really don't think it's that straightforward

In general on here there are always the tendency to present WOH and SAHP a certain way, on every single one of these threads. Its not all one sided, people just give their experiences and opinions of course alot are different.

I think you may see it that way as WOHP do tend to say they need more "intellectual stimulation" need "adult company not just a toddler" need more than baking and crafting, dont want to loose themselves, so it comes across as they need more, but by that, it makes them more content so still is doing the best for their child.

There is also a big part is to keep their independence, keep the household more stable and secure with 2 incomes, not wanting to step back in a very well earnt position in their career and rightly so.

Obviously a SAHP can also be gaining intellectual stimulation just not in a work place, gain daily adult conversation (not about children) just not in a work place. Keep their identity as work didnt define them, be financially independent, been the biggest earner and now taking some time out from supporting the family.

I think everyone surely by now understands that people have different motivations and situations, they just give their own experiences or those of whom they know. Thats perfectly normal.

But if they mention they do it to spend more time with their children and feel that will be benefit the child more, they are the worst in the world, its ridiculous, that would offend anyone, its fact of how they feel.

The same as a WOHP saying they feel having 2 incomes in the family is better to give them security, it doesn't offend me its a fact of how they feel.

Its really pretty simple, people make different choices, both think its best for the family unit but whats best is just different in each case. There is no right of wrong and a person is quite entitled to say they couldnt do the other option and give their reason without being jumped on. Noone should feel the need to drag others down or all jump on them to justify your own choices or opinions

Shouldn't we all just be happy the other has the option of the choice they want. Some very much dont

But if they mention they do it to spend more time with their children and feel that will be benefit the child more, they are the worst in the world, its ridiculous, that would offend anyone, its fact of how they feel.

I actually have no problem with a SAHP feeling that their child will benefit more from them spending more time with them. If that's what they calculate will make the biggest difference to their children's wellbeing and development, then all power to them. Personally, I feel that it will benefit my child more to have a living example of an equal, balanced relationship between parents who share domestic and breadwinning responsibilities, and a real-life model of how to combine a career and purpose outside the home with attentive parenting and great family relationships. Having seen how unhappy and unfulfilled my mum was as a SAHP, I want my dd to know without a doubt that she can have a fulfilling career and an amazing, close bond with her kids, if that's what she chooses to do. And I also believe that dd has benefited enormously from the enriching opportunities that we have been able to provide as a result of my career, which would otherwise have been out of her reach.

I have absolutely no issue with people who choose to prioritise different things. We all have valid reasons for the choices that we make. However, I do get irritated by the frequent implications that SAHPs are essentially putting their kids first, whereas WOHPs are not. Surely, we are all putting our kids first, we just have different ideas about what is most important - many of which may be based on our own experiences in childhood, what we valued most and what we felt was lacking.

I can say in all honesty that I'd have readily stayed at home with dd if I had really thought that this was in her best interests, but I don't think that the benefits of me being at home would have outweighed the benefits of me working. I'm sure that many SAHPs would go out to work if they thought that it was better for their kids, but presumably, they reached a different conclusion. Neither of us are right or wrong, it's just that we have different values and priorities.