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If your mum was a SAHM, are you one too?

329 replies

user2021 · 18/02/2021 11:33

And vice versa, so if your mum worked out of the home, did you follow in her footsteps or did you become a SAHM?

OP posts:
frakas · 18/02/2021 12:36

I think the key thing is here is you have to respect different people are going to enjoy different things and there is not a "correct" way to do things.

Some women will genuinely enjoy being a SAHM (I do!) and some will genuinely enjoy working. Neither is wrong, and neither is a negative reflection on someone who chooses to do something else.

Gwenhines · 18/02/2021 12:37

No. My mum worked FT (sometimes made up to FT by two PT jobs, sometimes just one FT job). All us siblings work FT and earn well comapred to our parents. DMIL was a SAHM and SIL is a SAHM. But we haven't ever wanted to give up my wage or independence, same with my siblings.

Fundays12 · 18/02/2021 12:40

My mum worked really long hours (as did my dad). They ran there own business. I saw my babysitters more than them. I hated it and missed them. I envied my friends whose mums were at home and could do things with them. We had a big house, nice holidays etc but it doesn’t make up for missing your mum.

I work one day a week and dh is home then. Our kids have always got one of us around. My eldest has commented that he feels lucky his mum is home so much but I do a lot with them. I don’t think woman should have too give up careers as men are just as capable of being at home. Nor do I think parents should stay at home as they think its the right thing too do. If a parent hates being at home kids are better in good childcare part of the time while the parent works. This is just my view. My childhood definitely shaped my view as a parent though and made me (and my sister) determined we would be home much more for the kids. We both have good partners though so that helps.

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LunaHardy · 18/02/2021 12:40

My Mum was a childminder and worked from home. When we got older she retrained and worked full time. I've always worked full time. Currently expecting baby #3 and planning to take a few years out to be a SAHM as never been in a position to do so before.

Cowgran · 18/02/2021 12:41

My Mum was a SAHM in a sense, but on a farm so she cooked lunch and dinner for all the workers, did all the account keeping, helped shift machinery etc.

I have taken an extended (unpaid) maternity leave for nearly 4 years but will be returning to work part time soon.

HazelWong · 18/02/2021 12:41

My mum worked full time, I work 4 days (compressed hours). I loved being alone after school, it was great having some time to myself.

I model myself more on my dad who worked longish hours but was very much present when he was home and very loving. My mother was mean and critical

KatharinaRosalie · 18/02/2021 12:42

My mum always worked. Not just worked a job to pay the bills but had and still has her fulfilling and interesting career.

Me and my siblings have FT careers as well.

WanderingMilly · 18/02/2021 12:42

My mother was a housewife all her life. She married and thought her role was to keep the house, make the food, do everything for her husband and her children. She was absolutely loyal and devoted all her life.

I grew up thinking this was what women did! I stayed at home with my children and kept the house as she had done. But unlike her, I felt trapped and unfulfilled, and we never had any money because I wasn't working. When my father died, my mother was left on her own. Her children had grown up and left home so now she had nothing, and it was too late to train for a career or get a job. That meant she'd done nothing outside the home, never travelled, never seen the world, didn't even have a wide circle of friends.

It made me think I didn't want to follow suit, I began retraining when my children were in their teens and went out to work. I have done things my mother never did, travelled the world, gained my independence - which I love - and have had what I think is a more interesting life. However, it killed my marriage because my DH was also old fashioned in his ideas and didn't want a modern partnership with his wife....so sadly we divorced.

I am now facing retirement, as is my ex. Extraordinarily, he has remarried to a young thing half his age....and guess what, she is young, naïve, has never had a job and is happy to potter about at home running round him.
Each to their own.....

bluebluezoo · 18/02/2021 12:44

This is us too. My mum was the breadwinner and I was so jealous of my friends whose mums were always around for drop off/pick up, play dates, school activities. I'm a SAHM

So where was your dad? If your mum wasn’t around who did all those things? Or was it a wraparound childcare situation? I’m old and pre and post school childcare didn’t exist, so there had to be someone, mum, dad, grandparent etc.

LynetteScavo · 18/02/2021 12:45

My DM worked full time from when I was a few weeks old.

Back then it was difficult to find childcare, and I went to a childminder, who was basically a SAHM who lived round the corner.

From a very young age I made it quite clear I would not work when I had children. I wrote an essay about it it school aged 12 and shocked my teacher.

I have worked full time since my youngest started Year One.

My DM was a SAHM when my DSis was young, and DSis wouldn't dream of being a SAHM, even if she were a millionaire.

Wowcherarestalkingme · 18/02/2021 12:46

My mum was a stay at home mum until I started school then she got a job as a dinner lady (as they were known then). Once we were both in secondary school she worked in a supermarket. I am a primary senco so have the holidays at home and while my children are young I am working part time. When my youngest starts reception I will go back to full time. My mums mum always worked as they were very short of money.
I think the difference is that I had opportunities she did not such as uni whereas she left school at 15 to support the family income. I enjoy having the best of both worlds really but I’m looking forward to earning more money when they are in school.

Rivergreen · 18/02/2021 12:46

@JaneNorman that's a very good point. My mum was a very ambitious career woman and I am similarly interested in keeping my career going, although I'm not as driven. (My mum is a machine, and is incredible)

My exOH's mum gave up work when the kids were young and then did very limited hours until they were both at school. One of our biggest arguments was around the fact that he thought that this was the only decent way to bring up children. And he thought my mum was in some way "unnatural" for still being as career oriented after children. Of course, he didn't like it when I said that it was great because then he could stay home with the kids and I could work!

Pizzaandgarlicdip · 18/02/2021 12:47

Yes my mum always worked, even taking on an additional job so she could send me to private school as a single parent.

She has definitely instilled in me a need to have your own career and independence to fall back on if it all goes tits up

cautiouscovidity · 18/02/2021 12:47

No. We couldn't afford for me to not work. Would've loved to.

DenisetheMenace · 18/02/2021 12:47

Mum was a single, working parent for much of my childhood, I’ve mostly been SAH because of big age gap, my adult daughter is a working mum.

BigWoollyJumpers · 18/02/2021 12:48

DM didn't work, but that was normal for that generation. She did however earn good money from being the local Avon lady, and did a lot of volunteering and fundraising. I worked for 20 years, before becoming a SAHM. I plan to to volunteer when lockdown ends, but don't need to earn, so I can please myself. My eldest daughter is working and has a very good career. I have no idea whether she will continue to work when she has children, but I don't think it matters what your DM did, as times change, expectations change, it matters whether you are financially able, in that you have more choices, and all sorts of other things come into play, like health and other family commitments, looking after elderly relatives for example.

frakas · 18/02/2021 12:48

So where was your dad? If your mum wasn’t around who did all those things?

Can't speak for PP but I never wanted my Dad, only my mum.

BaggoMcoys · 18/02/2021 12:49

My mum worked full time, I've been a sahm but would rather have worked part time.

Pemberleys · 18/02/2021 12:49

My Mum worked but in various jobs that enabled her to be home after school and holidays. I work in a job that allows some similar flexibility.

My DH's Mum always worked full time and expected her DCs to pitch in at home and be quite self sufficient. My DH is very hands on at home and actively supports my career.

Both DMs are a great support to us, in terms of childcare and so much more.

vinoandbrie · 18/02/2021 12:50

My mum did not work outside the home, I grew up absolutely determined that I would, and would make my own money.

And I have.

Makingnumber2 · 18/02/2021 12:50

My mum worked weekend shifts only whilst I was a pre-schooler and then went back to a more typical Mon-Fri shift pattern when I was in Year 2. My Granny worked until she was 80- a nurse until 65 and then as a sort of HCA/cleaner in old people's homes (despite often being older than some of the residents!). I have had a job of some kind since I was 13- paper round, pizza place at the weekend, other Saturday jobs, worked part-time all through Uni. I'm proud to work, and my mum and Granny set a great example of the importance of working to be financially independent of men (my mum's dad was an abusive alcoholic who would frequently leave the family with nothing for the week- just drink his wages). I feel like I come from a strong line of female grafters and I hope my daughter will be the same.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 18/02/2021 12:51

My mum was a SAHM, I work full time, but from home, including pre-lockdown.

MargaretThursday · 18/02/2021 12:52

@JaneNorman

An alternative question is whether there is a link to paternal grandmothers working, and does that give fathers the view that it’s important for mothers to stay at home. (As in, my mum was always home therefore you should give up your career to be home too).
Opposite in my df's case. His dm worked 3 jobs a day to keep the family afloat. She was gone by 6am and not back until around 8pm. He was very keen that dm would be there for us for school pickups and holidays. She worked part time as a teacher, which was what she wanted to to, but then was able to be there.
Moondust001 · 18/02/2021 12:56

I am 63 so my kids are grown up but... hell no! My mum was a SAHM because that was what women did then. My aunt wanted a career (and had one) so the price for that was no marriage and no children - in her profession (nursing) you had to resign when you had children.

My mum gave me the following pieces of advice (and she was a great mum!):
Never give up your independence and life/career for a man or for children
Grab every experience and opportunity as soon as you can - never put it off because it may not come back around again
By all means have a nest egg / emergency fund, but you can't take money with you when you die, so use it.

I have lived by all three and will continue to do so!

Longdistance · 18/02/2021 12:56

My dm was a sahm until we were in high school. Then she worked part time, and found full time work as we got older. Only because her English was limited.
I’ve worked since I was 16 through college.
When I had dds I became a sahm only because we moved to Oz. I gave up my job. We’ve moved back since, but now I have a full time term time job which works well.

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