If your mum was a SAHM, are you one too?

[user2021]

And vice versa, so if your mum worked out of the home, did you follow in her footsteps or did you become a SAHM?

@AlwaysLatte

Does that mean you don't take the free hours? We did at preschool from 2.5, I meant as babies.

I find it funny that most SAHMs take the 30 free hours. We both work 4 days a week so our 4 year old actually spends more time at home than 4 year olds with a SAHM even once you're accounting for longer days and all year round Vs term time only.

My mum was sometimes working and sometimes a stay at home mum. She was stressed and tired when she worked , so I much preferred it when she didn't. I have a 2 year old and I've been a stay at home mum since he was born. I'm pregnant with number 2 due in April and will be a stay at home mum untill she is around 2 then I will look for part time work.
My husband works full time, we get about £22000 per year after tax. I might feel differently If I had a career where I earnt well but I've always had minimum wage jobs, worked in a pharmacy for years before my son was born . Treated like rubbish by patients and paid minimum wage!
I love being home with my little boy even if we don't have much money, that doesn't matter really. We have what we need.
People are being so horrible to eachother on this thread. Being a sahp and a working are both hard work. Stop judging eachother.

I’m so fed up of women judging other women for their choices, it’s 2021 yet there are so many women who seem to look down on working mums for not spending time with their dc and then others who think sahm are some kind of throwback to a time when a womans place is in the home. Why not just accept that no way is right or wrong? That is e are just doing what works for our own family?

I love being a sahm, that doesn’t mean I am not intellectually stimulated or that I think a womans place is at home. It also doesn’t mean that I judge mums who work be that through choice or necessity. Surely the ideal would be women being able to make the choice that they feel is best without being judged for it?

My mum was a sahm but I am not. However, I was when the children were tiny because I was a single parent who couldn't afford childcare for two. So it wasn't a decision to be a sahm! I was trapped on benefits which is different from it being a choice. I was frustrated by the gap on my cv making me less employable with ever day that passed. My mum chose to stay at home. not that she was a good mother mind you.

Interesting about the paternal grandmother. My x's mother stayed at home and he was dead against me working.

@Thesearmsofmine

Wel said!

My mum worked 20 hours a week until I was 11 and then stopped working completely due to her mental health. We were skint and it was a miserable upbringing. I'm the opposite, I'm always working, striving to earn more. I've always worked, although there have been times when I've been on my arse skint with bailiffs knocking on the door. Since having DS I've had a determination not to have him grow up how I did. Unfortunately my mum is now jealous of my lifestyle, and I would hardly say it is frivolous, but comfortable. She had her chance though when she inherited considerable sums from various relatives. She has nothing to show for any of it.

@MisiSam

My mum was sometimes working and sometimes a stay at home mum. She was stressed and tired when she worked , so I much preferred it when she didn't. I have a 2 year old and I've been a stay at home mum since he was born. I'm pregnant with number 2 due in April and will be a stay at home mum untill she is around 2 then I will look for part time work. My husband works full time, we get about £22000 per year after tax. I might feel differently If I had a career where I earnt well but I've always had minimum wage jobs, worked in a pharmacy for years before my son was born . Treated like rubbish by patients and paid minimum wage! I love being home with my little boy even if we don't have much money, that doesn't matter really. We have what we need. People are being so horrible to eachother on this thread. Being a sahp and a working are both hard work. Stop judging eachother.

Yeh, that was me. What age are you now? By the time you're youngest is old enough so that you can work without needing childcare, you'll be ten -12 years older than you are now, and you'll be looking for those same minimum wage jobs but the people doing the hiring will be confuuuuuused. They'll be looking at you thinking, hmmm, she's 45 if she's a day and she wants to work for me? I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with that. Nope. She might be sensible and all of that but I'll hire the 25 year old.

So just be AWARE that that could be your fate. If you don't care, you don't care, that's grand.

I am not in to being horrible to mums, as I've been at home with my DC when they're were small and I was on benefits and I've been working ft for the last six or so years.

Both have pros and cons.

@user2021

Completely agree. These threads never go well. I don’t judge anyone. To answer the question however - yes and yes because she loved it and so do I.

@Sammiesnake

My mother was very small minded and always seemed so weak and uninspiring next to my father. She was always cleaning and waiting for my father to make decisions. I remember her always saying she did so much around the house but then sitting and watching soaps for a long time every evening. I looked up to my father and wanted an interesting career that I enjoyed. Now I have daughters and I’m grateful they’ll see me working and having as many options in life as their own father. We’re a team and I love that. My children are the most important thing in the world to me and I treasure all my time with them - luckily I work term time so I’m working when they’re at school anyway and I’m here when they’re home. We have an amazing bond and I hope that they know they can do whatever they want in life.

Sounds like you have really over identified with your father! He chose your mother. Maybe your mum was doing what she wanted in life?

My mum ran a nursery (she was a nursery nurse) until a month before I was born. She didn’t go out to work from then (I have a younger sibling v close in age, and two older siblings) as she really hurt her back.

I work full time, am the breadwinner (I have to be, I’m a single parent of two and have the kids 100% of the time), and have always gone out to work. I love my job though (although it can be very tiring trying to juggle everything).

My bro and SIL have a really good setup: both work FT, but condense FT hours into 4 days a week. So their DC are in nursery/wraparound care only 3days a week (normally and not during covid). Currently they WFH but are able to work around each other so that they can home school :)

My mum worked long hours - often left home before I got up, and got home after I went to sleep. During the week, I was mostly raised by my dad, which was unusual even in the nineties.

I don't want the same for my DC.

You don’t clearly say you understand it - your grammar is garbled and hard to understand
How is it hard to understand, we are talking about people understanding others not spending time at home, my response

"I don't struggle to understand how some don't,"
I don't struggle to understand it, is pretty clear, that I don't struggle to Understand it ?!!
.
As per my pp your comments on those putting ‘their careers first’ was rude.
You say that your friends who can’t afford to be sahm mums don’t understand those who have a choice and work. You assume your friends are ‘sad and frustrated‘
NO, again I never said I assume, as I don't assume anything they are my friends who say they are sad and frustrated that they don't have the choice, it would frustrate most to not have the choice on such a important issue, as it would most.

Is that not suffering?
You stated I gave examples of working friends all suffering in some way
To clarify again, I never stated all were suffering I stated my working friends were happy with the choices they made but the ones with no choice were sad

You don’t actually say they told you they are sad and frustrated but you conclude that must be the reason. Now you say they are frustrated and sad.
They are my friends, of course they told me !!! I don't need to conclude, assume or anything else, they tell me, we talk very honestly.
What do you mean "now you say"....it's not now I say, it was in my original post, did you really even read it properly.

Im sorry they are so unhappy with the path that has been forced upon them.
Yes, so are they, that's the point,

They are different to mums who make a choice
Yes that's why I state their feelings separately from the ones I claim to be happy about their choices to.

I’ve happily read all the views on here from Sahm and working mums but your post is judging working mums.
But you have misquoted me many times so I think you have interpreted it how you want, I am not judging working mums, I have said everyone is built differently, I'm not cut out for going back to work and they are not cut out for staying at home,

Hopefully, you’ve seen on here there’s a plethora of reasons why mums work, many based on experiences of their own childhoods and having a sahm.
I never needed to read it on here, I already knew from real life experiences how everyone is built different and some are lucky to be svelte to make their own choice while others can't.

There are many positive reasons to work for mums and their children.
Yes I know from the happy working mums I have as mums that I clearly state I'm my original post

For your happy friends who are working mums - perhaps stop seeing it as they’ve put their careers before their children and may be talk to them about why they made the decision and why they seem happy with that decision?
They are my friends, I know exactly why each and everyone of them have made their decisions as they do me, we dint negatively judge each other for them choices, but we are honest about them.
My friends and I have had this conversation at different stages for years, and some have said they have put their career before staying at home with their children as that what makes them happy, there is nothing wrong with that, why do you think there is ???

Sorry that was @Hubblebubble75

@JaneNorman

I have friends who are just not cut out for it

Wow, heard it all now!

If by not cut out for it, what you mean is they require something more intellectually stimulating in day to day life than housework and conversation with a preschooler all day then yeah, you’re probably right.

This is why women will never have true equality in the work place. Because there are too many women around who still believe that a woman’s place is at home.

I have friends who are just not cut out for it

Wow, heard it all now!

If by not cut out for it, what you mean is they require something more intellectually stimulating in day to day life than housework and conversation with a preschooler all day then yeah, you’re probably right.

No I meant not cut out for it the same as I'm not cut out for going back to work yet, but don't let that get in the way of a nasty dig towards SAHP?

This is why women will never have true equality in the work place. Because there are too many women around who still believe that a woman’s place is at home.
It's a woman's choice if she wants to stay at home as it is to go to work. I don't think women's place is at home, I think I am best placed at home in our set up.

@Sammiesnake I find that quite sad to be honest. Sounds like your mum spent her whole life looking after you and your dad and got little respect for it. Why didn’t your dad encourage her to have more of a life outside of the home?

No I meant not cut out for it the same as I'm not cut out for going back to work yet, but don't let that get in the way of a nasty dig towards SAHP?

That is not at all what you said. Of course telling someone they’re not cut out for something is insulting. It implies they are not capable.

You have an answer for everything but your post was clearly judgemental. Which is why I and another poster were offended by it. I’ve found no offence with any other posters on here. I don’t want to continue going on and on with this debate. I found your post offensive and perhaps you need to look at the way you phrase things and write in the future if these aren’t how you mean to come across. You are suggesting now you are equally happy and supportive of sahm and working mums and not judging. That’s great if it’s true. Let’s leave it there , thanks

My mum was a SAHM until I was around 6,then she worked part time for a couple of years. Then my parents split up and she got screwed financially, she had to find full time work quickly. We were always short of money and she had a lot of worries about retirement. She then died suddenly when I was 21. I would never be a SAHP because, even though my marriage is solid, I always need to have a back up plan as I learned fairly young that life can be pretty shit and it's a lot shutter if you're poor as well. I worked part time for a short while when my kids were very little, have been full time since eldest turned 4. I need to know that of somethong went wrong- divorce, DH losing his job, death etc - that I earn enough to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. I'm not hugely motivated to earn megabucks but I am very motivated to always have an escape plan and not be beholden to anyone. But that is no bad reflection on my DH or anyone else's life, its just how my brain works as a result of life events.

@31RooCambon I’m sure she was - I just didn’t find it very inspiring.

@JaneNorman I’m not sure where you got that from. I said she talked a lot about cleaning and sat watching the soaps all evening - hardly spent her whole life looking after us!

@Sammiesnake sorry if I read too much into what you said. I guess it was the cleaning comment! I suppose it just sounds like she didn’t have much going on outside of the home so I assumed she spent her time doing jobs around the house!

But as my boss is always telling me, never assume anything!

@Hubblebubble75

You have an answer for everything but your post was clearly judgemental.
No you interpreted it as judgemental and misquoted me multiple times, so I corrected you and answered your incorrect statements.

I found your post offensive and perhaps you need to look at the way you phrase things and write in the future if these aren’t how you mean to come across.
Many posts on here can be offensive and out and out rude, mine was not meant to be one of them. Nor would I expect people to tailor how they voice their opinions to suit me, and I wont be doing so.
I would advise you read a post properly and quote accurately it may cut out a lot of unnecessary to and fro in corrections.

You are suggesting now you are equally happy and supportive of sahm and working mums and not judging
I have always suggests this, you chose not to see it

Let’s leave it there , thanks
Yes, that's something we can agree on

Interestingly I have the exact same unusual setup as my parents did - I work and my partner is a SAHP to the children.

I have been working part time since dc1 was born though and now work both part time and at home which is great but different from my mum who always worked FT. I do plan to work FT though when the children are all school aged.

@JaneNorman it’s ok, I didn’t put much info I suppose. She was a bit of a sad woman really, drank a bit and played the martyr around the house. She was a chronic liar as well (of small unimportant things) and reminded me of Hyacinth Booket to a certain extent. I’m not suggesting all SAHM are like her of course, just saying that I never wanted that life for myself or my daughters.

@JaneNorman

No I meant not cut out for it the same as I'm not cut out for going back to work yet, but don't let that get in the way of a nasty dig towards SAHP?

That is not at all what you said. Of course telling someone they’re not cut out for something is insulting. It implies they are not capable.

No that how you interpret it, If I meant not capable that's what i would have said, of course they are capable, they would Just not be happy with that choice and it would drive them crazy, hence not cut out for it.

Not RTFT but no my mum worked in a qualified professional role, as do both I, and my brother now