If your mum was a SAHM, are you one too?

[user2021]

And vice versa, so if your mum worked out of the home, did you follow in her footsteps or did you become a SAHM?

My mum worked ft plus overtime. She was never home, and when she was we didn't do anything together- she was always tired.

I am a SAHM at the moment, and will be till both my children start school (they are toddlers at the moment) - then I'm retraining so will work, but in a mindful way so as not to neglect my children in the same way.

To clarify, working mothers aren't neglectful, MY mother was.

My parents both worked full time, my mum worked shifts and my dad worked away 3 or 4 nights a week (this was when I was older). I spent a lot of my childhood in childcare, clubs and at various aunty's houses and a lot of my teenage years alone or at friends houses. Me and my sister both became SAHMs.

My Mum worked PT but usually my Dad had always finished his shift in time before she started work or she would just take me with her and he'd pick me up from her office. I do remember loving Fridays because she didn't work that day and it was nice having her around, not that we did much fun stuff as it was her catching up day.

I'm a SAHM and remain so even though the kids are teenagers. I am very independent however and despite my mum working, she didn't have much of a social life other than through my Dad - she never did anything for herself really. I don't think that relates to working or not, just the personality you have. But she seems happy enough.

Despite not working for many years now, I have lots of friends and interests that keep me busy and happy. My Mum is very traditional in that she thinks I should be subservient to DH rather than we are equals who share different workloads. Despite this having an effect on me when I was younger, thinking that was how things were done, I'm only a SAHM now because we are lucky. If we were skint, then I'd go back to work doing whatever to make ends meet but I'm lucky in that we cut our cloth to suit so that I don't have to. I don't feel unfulfilled or anything, my previous career, though well thought of and well paid, wasn't my vocation.

Mine was a sahm until I was 5 and then went back to work, management level so full on and full time. I chose to be a sahm for longer and am now back part time and still around for school drop off and pick ups.

I was also jealous of those friends who's mums picked them up from school, I didn't realise at the time because it was normal to me but I was picked up by a childminder every day and with my kids now, we go to the park, have ice cream, hot chocolate, friends over (all pre covid, obviously), so looking back I think I would have loved doing those things.

I wanted to be around more for mine because of my experiences but it's tough to think of my own parents' choices as 'wrong' - we were loved and we had lots of extra money for holidays and nice things. They did what they had to do.

My mum was a SAHM. I've worked since DD was 18 months old.

@Hubblebubble75

the point of your original post was clearly to disparage working mothers.
No it wasn't, you may have read it that way because of something in yourself maybe, I am happy for the women who have the choice and make it with what's best for themselves and their own family.

You follow on from someone’s comment on not understanding us
And clearly say I do understand it ??!!
and
then give examples of working friends all suffering in some way.
No, I never said they all suffer, where did I say that ?
I clearly say they are happy with their choices ?! Except the ones who don't have a choice that is.

If you weren’t trying to show superiority over working women in your comments
Again how would being a SAHM be superiority ? There is obviously something you are defensive about, maybe not your choices but the choices of others. All I have done is then answer some of things you aimed at Myself and children in nursery/at home.

it would have been good to include in your post that you can understand that many working women achieve a balance with happy lives and happy kids (even if happy working mum doesn’t exist in your particular social circle) - Less inflammatory for people reading your comments.
What ? I don't have to write what others want. I wrote about my experience, of those I know and my opinions.
Again stop with it, I never once said my working friends were unhappy with their choices. Please stop putting your readings down as fact when they are incorrect. I said the ones who have no choice are frustrated and sad, as they would be with no choice in such a major element of their lives.

I’m glad we are both happy with our choices.

Again I am happy for women who have the choice to make the decision that's best for themselves and their family. I don't get offended by others who have different views and choose to voice them, whatever they maybe. As I said originally, I understand everyone is built differently,

For all of you wanting to be SAHM what are you going to do if your DH wants to be a SAHD?

As others have said, this is a conversation that is had before marriage and children ;are you both on the same page with your values and the way in which you will raise any future children.

My mum was a SAHM mum and so was I until my youngest of three was 4.

When me and my brother went to school she worked in an office but still managed to take us to school, pick us up and have all the school holidays off. She said it was her stipulation to accepting the post!
Very different times.

For all of you wanting to be SAHM what are you going to do if your DH wants to be a SAHD?
We're lucky in that I wanted to be a SAHM and my husband wanted to continue with his business for a while, and neither of us agreed with the idea of nannies/nursery. But he took early retirement when they were still very young so it's worked out well - especially with homeschool. If we had both wanted to be home with them and had to work we'd have each taken part time hours.

For all of you wanting to be SAHM what are you going to do if your DH wants to be a SAHD?

As others have said, this is a conversation that is had before marriage and children ;are you both on the same page with your values and the way in which you will raise any future children.

Conversations are great to have pre dc but unfortunately in reality lots of people feel differently once a baby comes along & lots of relationships experience a lot of stress with the arrival of dc.

and neither of us agreed with the idea of nannies/nursery.

Does that mean you don't take the free hours?

Does that mean you don't take the free hours?
We did at preschool from 2.5, I meant as babies.

I got confused because that's nursery?

My mum, my grandmother and myself. All SAHM.

My aunt (mum's sister) and my sister. Working mums.

See, I wanted to be a SAHM but I don't actually like it very much and am a bit crap at it. DH would love to be a SAHD and I would love him to be, that would truly be the best of both worlds for me, with the benefits of having a SAHP but me not having to do it (!) but because of my crap work history, there's no way I can walk into a job that would pay as much as he earns and unfortunately we're pretty reliant on his income level.

It's unfortunate really. If we'd had a crystal ball we could have set things up very differently years ago.

My mom was. SAHM and started working PT when us kids were older. I'm a SAHM now and don't think I will ever go back to work FT. I might try to find a PT work from home job in a few years.

My mum wfh when I was in primary so she worked but was always around for school runs etc. When I was in secondary she took a job in a supermarket. My dad was disabled and couldn't work so she had no choice.

I've been a sahm since my DS was born (he's now an adult). I've only ever worked for a few years of my life. I always made enough money using passive income projects that I was pretty comfortable (one of these has done really well recently and I'm now financially independent). DH earns well but my income streams bring in more money now. I could never go to work as an employee again, I like having the freedom to do as I please with my time.

My mum was a stay at home mum since she was pregnant with my oldest brother. He's in his 40's.

I have never been a stay at home mum. Took a years maternity each time. Wished I could only work 2-3 days a week.

I’d have been a dreadful SAHM and as both DH and I wanted to continue with our careers we found an amazing nursery which DT’s went to from six months until they started school. We visited so many but struck lucky with the one we chose. Good memories of those days.

@Bourbonbiccy

I admit to struggljng to understand why any mother wouldn't want to spend those precious initial years with their children... As I see the absolute benefits

I don't struggle to understand how some don't, I would never have been able not to personally , but I have friends who are just not cut out for it, they chose to put their career first as that what makes them happiest. I do find it sad that it makes them happiest not to be with their children as much as possible, but if they are happier that's best for their kids, everyone is built differently, they can't understand how I love it so much.

I also have friends who have no choice, and would love to be at home but simply can't afford it, they are the ones that struggle to understand the ones who choose not to, but again that's more out of their own sadness and frustration.

@Bourbonbiccy really ? You don’t think you’re looking down your nose at your friends and their choices to be working mums ?? Okay. Please read what you actually wrote not your completely different explanation afterwards justifying it.

For friends who ‘aren’t cut out for it’ and ‘put their careers first‘ ‘I do find it sad that it makes them happiest not to be with their children as much as possible’

Faux concern on their behalf to illustrate that it’s a sad decision in your eyes not being with their children as much as possible . Also they are putting their career first? Why is returning to work prioritising your work over your child?? Very inflammatory words and opinion. Please be careful in future as another pp picked this up too. Very rude.

[quote Bourbonbiccy]@Hubblebubble75

the point of your original post was clearly to disparage working mothers.
No it wasn't, you may have read it that way because of something in yourself maybe, I am happy for the women who have the choice and make it with what's best for themselves and their own family.

You follow on from someone’s comment on not understanding us
And clearly say I do understand it ??!!
and
then give examples of working friends all suffering in some way.
No, I never said they all suffer, where did I say that ?
I clearly say they are happy with their choices ?! Except the ones who don't have a choice that is.

If you weren’t trying to show superiority over working women in your comments
Again how would being a SAHM be superiority ? There is obviously something you are defensive about, maybe not your choices but the choices of others. All I have done is then answer some of things you aimed at Myself and children in nursery/at home.

it would have been good to include in your post that you can understand that many working women achieve a balance with happy lives and happy kids (even if happy working mum doesn’t exist in your particular social circle) - Less inflammatory for people reading your comments.
What ? I don't have to write what others want. I wrote about my experience, of those I know and my opinions.
Again stop with it, I never once said my working friends were unhappy with their choices. Please stop putting your readings down as fact when they are incorrect. I said the ones who have no choice are frustrated and sad, as they would be with no choice in such a major element of their lives.

I’m glad we are both happy with our choices.

Again I am happy for women who have the choice to make the decision that's best for themselves and their family. I don't get offended by others who have different views and choose to voice them, whatever they maybe. As I said originally, I understand everyone is built differently,
[/quote]
You don’t clearly say you understand it - your grammar is garbled and hard to understand.
As per my pp your comments on those putting ‘their careers first’ was rude.
You say that your friends who can’t afford to be sahm mums don’t understand those who have a choice and work. You assume your friends are ‘sad and frustrated‘. Is that not suffering? You don’t actually say they told you they are sad and frustrated but you conclude that must be the reason. Now you say they are frustrated and sad. Im sorry they are so unhappy with the path that has been forced upon them. They are different to mums who make a choice.
I’ve happily read all the views on here from Sahm and working mums but your post is judging working mums. Hopefully, you’ve seen on here there’s a plethora of reasons why mums work, many based on experiences of their own childhoods and having a sahm. There are many positive reasons to work for mums and their children. For your happy friends who are working mums - perhaps stop seeing it as they’ve put their careers before their children and may be talk to them about why they made the decision and why they seem happy with that decision?

Many referring to being SAHM. In 2021 you would hope that we had moved away from (in the majority of cases) that it is the woman who is the SAHP. Equality still is along way off unfortunately.

I have friends who are just not cut out for it

Wow, heard it all now!

If by not cut out for it, what you mean is they require something more intellectually stimulating in day to day life than housework and conversation with a preschooler all day then yeah, you’re probably right.

This is why women will never have true equality in the work place. Because there are too many women around who still believe that a woman’s place is at home.

My mum worked full time and I do too. I could go part time financially, but amongst other reasons I feel it's important to show my daughters that they can have their own ambitions and careers and not just be a mother.

My mother was very small minded and always seemed so weak and uninspiring next to my father. She was always cleaning and waiting for my father to make decisions. I remember her always saying she did so much around the house but then sitting and watching soaps for a long time every evening. I looked up to my father and wanted an interesting career that I enjoyed. Now I have daughters and I’m grateful they’ll see me working and having as many options in life as their own father. We’re a team and I love that. My children are the most important thing in the world to me and I treasure all my time with them - luckily I work term time so I’m working when they’re at school anyway and I’m here when they’re home. We have an amazing bond and I hope that they know they can do whatever they want in life.