If your mum was a SAHM, are you one too?

[user2021]

And vice versa, so if your mum worked out of the home, did you follow in her footsteps or did you become a SAHM?

My Mum didn’t work and when our Dad had an affair and left us it was really hard and she struggled a lot financially. Living through that made me determined to never rely on a man for money and I am career driven. I have only ever worked full time.

My DM and my Maternal Grandma both worked but juggled being at home for some years too.
My DM worked at the local pub in the evenings and School holidays and so I spent a lot of school holidays helping in the pub before opening and then in the garden for an hour or two until she finished. It was a nice pub so not a horrific experience although boring sometimes.
Then when I went to secondary she got a full time job in a building society and worked until she was 66.
My DD’s loved nursery and we were lucky My DM had them 2 days.
Now they are older I still work part time every day but am back to pick up from school. I feel this important from what I offer after school especially when they are upset or have had a hard day.
We have less in terms of disposable cash as I could be making more full time.
I firmly believe all parents are doing their best and although I was a bit lonely after school in my teen years it was only a few hours and I wasn’t damaged in any way.
But yes I think we do tend to parent based on what we saw and also our parents opinions and approval drive us. I know my DM was a worker and valued her independence and money coming in and she passed that on. Of course I would have had a different experience if she was fully SAHM so it’s all relative.

My DM and my Maternal Grandma both worked but juggled being at home for some years too.
My DM worked at the local pub in the evenings and School holidays and so I spent a lot of school holidays helping in the pub before opening and then in the garden for an hour or two until she finished. It was a nice pub so not a horrific experience although boring sometimes.
Then when I went to secondary she got a full time job in a building society and worked until she was 66.
My DD’s loved nursery and we were lucky My DM had them 2 days.
Now they are older I still work part time every day but am back to pick up from school. I feel this important from what I offer after school especially when they are upset or have had a hard day.
We have less in terms of disposable cash as I could be making more full time.
I firmly believe all parents are doing their best and although I was a bit lonely after school in my teen years it was only a few hours and I wasn’t damaged in any way.
But yes I think we do tend to parent based on what we saw and also our parents opinions and approval drive us. I know my DM was a worker and valued her independence and money coming in and she passed that on. Of course I would have had a different experience if she was fully SAHM so it’s all relative.

My mum always worked and we had a child minder. She always says she could not have stayed at home. I think it really affected our relationship when I was a teenager and I vowed I would always be around for my children especially when young. I work now but flexibly.

@kritigirl

My mum always worked and we had a child minder. She always says she could not have stayed at home. I think it really affected our relationship when I was a teenager and I vowed I would always be around for my children especially when young. I work now but flexibly.

Same here. I was so lost and lonely in the teen years, I really needed my mum to be around for me and she wasn't. I understand she had no choice but to work, but I'm fortunate enough to have that choice and will likely be a SAHM or work very part time until my children have left secondary.

Surely it also depends on individual circumstances. As a teenager I was super busy, after school sports then talking to friends all evening. Weekends spent with friends etc, our parents used to have force us to spend time with them 😆

My mum was a childminder so worked from home which was really nice. I'm planning on being a SAHM

For all of you wanting to be SAHM what are you going to do if your DH wants to be a SAHD?

My mum was a single parent. She worked part time and then full time. It did mean I was a latchkey kid at times and had to start dinner for younger sibling but she always made it to plays, sports days etc. Needs must in her situation. I'm lucky I can be at home for the early years.

My mum was a sahm. I had max mat leave and went back after 6 months. I did work part time though until she was 14.

@gigity
I was just thinking the same. We were always out as teenagers with various friends or at different activities. I never felt lonely and of both parents, Dad was my go-to rather than Mum, even though he worked FT. I never felt like he wasn’t there for me just because he worked during the day. It’s very dependent upon individual personalities and circumstances, I think.

I live abroad now but am still very close to my parents, emotionally-speaking.

My mum was a Sahm, I work 18.5 hours a week. School hours mostly but do a long day one day a week when DH does a short day.
I feel it’s very important to be there for them, it’s only a few years and then they won’t want to know me

@FloconDeNeige agree, I think my mum was p/t & school hours then & dad was f/t. Dad would be the who I went to for advice.

The most contact I had some days was been told to get off the phone or when I would throw a massive strop because my favourite jeans weren't washed. I can't wait for mine to be teenagers😱

She wasn’t and nor am I.

@gigity

😂 Yes, I remember being questioned in the evenings “why do you need to phone Claire/Sarah/Jane/Melissa/whoever; you’ve just spent the whole day at school with them?!!” God, I used to dread the arrival of the phonebill 😱

ha, looking back I don't know the answer either!

My DM was a SAHM, and I work. She always encouraged me not to be a SAHM because by the time my youngest brother started secondary school she was basically unemployable (not a problem financially, but she is a very smart and able woman who could have had a fulfilling career).

The downside is that she doesn't quite understand the realities of balancing work, childcare, and basically having as much time for your DC as they need. She genuinely believes you can now have it all with a good attitude and a bit of determination, so she's quite breezy and dismissive if I make any negative comment about being a working mother.

For all of you wanting to be SAHM what are you going to do if your DH wants to be a SAHD?

We've already had that discussion before we got married and had kids, it was something I felt passionately about and something he was happy for me to do as it was so important to me.
If he knew he wouldn't have fancied me doing that, I probably wouldn't have married him if I'm honest as he would be better suited to a woman who wanted to go out to work in the early years, and he stayed at home.

If he changed his mind after we had our son, we would have had to take it in turns, he goes off and I cut my period at home short, but luckily he didn't have a change of heart and the plans and discussions we had before marriage stayed the same.

My maternal grandmother married late and had her last child at 41 and never went back to work. Renting out the upstairs of the house supplemented grandfather's modest income. Paternal grandmother worked in a shop once all 5 DC were in school.

My mum was a military and we were dragged around from posting to posting. My mum seemed very lonely and unfulfilled. She went back to work full time when I was 12 when we settled permanently just before my dad left the army. I think part time work throughout my childhood would have benefited the entire family. I was an only child until 7 and desperately lonely. Childcare with other children might have prepared me better for school as I struggled socially.

MIL worked a few hours in an office job for family friends and helped out the family business a little bit. DH had no desire whatsoever for me to be a SAHM so I don't think having a mum available pretty much full time was valued by him at all. Having a working wife means he isn't pushed to do stupid hours and we share domestic and childcare tasks around work.

We are fortunate that we have a balance of paid childcare and GPs plus my PT hours and DH's job allowed some WFH pre-COVID. we sacrificed career progression for DH (or me I guess) to get a comfortable work/life balance in a beautiful part of the country. No regrets at all. I would reduce my hours to provide childcare to any grandchildren if my DDs ever needed it.

My DM was a SAHM until I was 12. She went back to work because she seperated from my Dad.. It was awful, I had to get my younger sisters up for school, make breakfast, lunch, wait with the youngest in her line and then come home and cook dinner and clean. My DM was basically the breadwinner and I was the mother. I longed to come home to a home cooked meal. The summer holidays were even worse as I had to wait until my DM came home from work until I could see my friends. I am a SAHM, I gave up a very successful career when my DD1 was born almost 13 years ago. I enjoy it and for me it's important that I'm there to do breakfast, dinner, drop and collect from school. On the other hand my DS2 who is only 18 months younger than me has always worked full time since she had her two children.

My mum was a SAHM. I've worked part time since having my kids.
One of my sisters has worked full time as a teacher since having her kids and my other sister is a SAHM.

For all of you wanting to be SAHM what are you going to do if your DH wants to be a SAHD?

Most people have these discussions well before marriage and children. If a woman has always wanted to be a SAHM she is unlikely to marry a man who has a fundamentally different vision of how he wants his family life to work (be that both parents working full time when DC are young, or himself as SAHD while she is WOHM).

My mum died when I was young but she worked as did my dad, they both worked really hard, barely saw one another as worked opposite shifts and their work ethic definitely rubbed off on me and siblings.

I'm not a SAHM, I adore DC but I'm one of those people who have to have another purpose in working for my own aspirations.

@Bourbonbiccy the point of your original post was clearly to disparage working mothers. You follow on from someone’s comment on not understanding us and then give examples of working friends all suffering in some way. If you weren’t trying to show superiority over working women in your comments , it would have been good to include in your post that you can understand that many working women achieve a balance with happy lives and happy kids (even if happy working mum doesn’t exist in your particular social circle) - Less inflammatory for people reading your comments. I’m glad we are both happy with our choices.