STOP LOOKING!! STOP LOOKING!! How can I help my son?

[NoBlueSkyComing]

My DS1 is almost 8 and has always been a very sensitive child. Very easily hurt physically and emotionally. He can react very aggressively, verbally and sometimes physically too. I have seen two family support workers about him. He likes to be by himself when he is upset and they have said this is a fine coping strategy. But it has reached awful levels. it is not that he takes himself off to a room. He screams and shouts and insists others leave the room. He is now ruining play dates. He doesn't have friends his own age but does a few years younger. But today he fell when out with a friend. Just a normal trip on the pavement. No big deal. But for the rest of the 20 minute work home he kept screaming, 'DON'T LOOK AT ME!!' at his friend or his brother or his friend's mum, if they turned around in his direction. I had to walk metres behind the others so he could hide behind me, except to scream aggressively at them occasionally if they turned in his direction. He screams repeatedly at strangers, adults and children if he falls when out, 'STOP LOOKING! DON'T LOOK AT ME.' He ruined another playdate recently, simply would not calm down, he did take himself off to hide but did not calm down, every time his friend came to find him he would scream at him. After 30 mins his friend started crying as my son would not play with him and told his mum he wanted to go home so they did. This behaviour is ruining his, and consequently my, ability to make friends.

I have no idea what to do. I can't talk to him. He just screams at me to shut up. Even if I try later when he is calmer; only very, very occasionally can I manage to very briefly talk about a recent behaviour of his. I have tried talking about that film Outside In and how being sad makes others care for you, and that is what happens when he falls. I've tried being blunt and saying no-one will want to be your friend if you behave like that, so let me help you to find a way to respond differently. But nothing works. He's getting worse.

I am at the end of my tether. He gets a lot of time and attention and love and praise. But I am starting to find him increasingly hard to like when he is like this. I worry desperately about him, but his refusal to even try to help himself is hard to take. He has just told me that he knows himself better than me and he can't change and never will be able to.

Has he been assessed for any conditions such as ASD?

He doesn't strike me as autistic. He can be a very empathetic, caring little, he cries at sad parts in films.

He is very, very anxious and sensitive though. He screams ' stop looking' as he is embarrassed at falling and that overwhelms him. But of course, the falling is trivial. What is embarrassing is his behaviour following the fall!

That should have said a caring little boy. (rather than he cares little!)

He sounds exactly like my 9 yr old asd son. He won't let anyone anywhere near him when upset or hurt to the point where he fell off his bike,my brother went to help him and he screamed and ran into a fence post and gave himself a black eye and still wouldn't let anyone near him. Everyone at home and school know now to leave him until he's calmed down. No one look at or go near him. It's very hard.

Has he been assessed for any conditions such as ASD?

He doesn't strike me as autistic. He can be a very empathetic

OP, I am sorry you are having trouble with your son. That sounds very difficult, indeed.

Can we please stop with the "Oh, X has difficulties. Has s/he been assessed for autism" crap? I have autism and it's really offensive that every time someone mentions behavioural difficulties, someone chimes in with a comment about autism.

And, please, stop with the misunderstanding that those of us on the spectrum lack empathy. We lack the ability to read social clues but as soon as we do we react appropriately.

When you're on the spectrum life is difficult enough as it is without people - no matter how well-meaning - relating any kind of difficulty to autism.

Thank you for listening to my TED talk.

He's embarrassed and at 8 is struggling to explain that's how he feels. It's a phase in my experience, but how long has this been happening?

Also my son is caring and cuddly (on his own terms)

I don't think you know anything about autism, children with autism are often very empathetic.
I'm not going to jump in with an armchair diagnosis but I think you need to look for some professional input in helping your son.
Also, your son's needs are far more important than you making friends.
He is clearly struggling.

I'm not trying to diagnose by any means I'm just saying he sounds similar to my son and maybe look into it. No offence meant to anyone. Obviously every child is different. The similarities just stuck out to me.

He doesn't strike me as autistic. He can be a very empathetic, caring little, he cries at sad parts in films

Autistic children can be incredibly empathetic. He might not have autism. But what you are describing doesn’t sound like typical behaviour for an 8 year old either.

I am a teacher and would suggest a conversation to see how he is at school. A referral pathway may be the best course of action. His behaviour sounds very extreme for a neurotypical child. You will have a long wait for support and/or any diagnosis but in the meantime may be able to offer an intervention to help him to recognise and manage his feelings.

You say he has younger friends but none his own age, why is that?

I’d suggest going back to the absolute basics of teaching your child emotional language. Be sure that he can recognise his feelings and name them.

He fell over and a lot of things happened: some physical pain, some shock, some embarrassment. That’s a lot to process and work through. It’s possible that he’s just lacking the ability to express this in a more functional way.

My ds who is 6 is very much like this. He is autistic (diagnosed at age 3).
He also has lots of empathy and was described by his teacher as a loving and caring little boy.

I remember when my son needed to talk about anything he always found it much easier if I was driving; something about not too much looking at him, pauses on both sides felt natural and easier, not being interrupted by other people - even now as a young adult he chats more revealingly when we are in the car - might be worth trying with your son? Good luck

My first thought was maybe an assessment as he sounds very much like my ASD/ADHD dc who would scream ‘stop looking at me’ too. He is, however the kindest most caring boy going......when not in an absolute rage because you dared do something he didn’t like.

I’m sorry if you find the suggestions offensive Alfonso but, having had a difficult time with my own DS who had very similar reactions, I am of course going to suggest ASD as a possibility. This is a mother who is struggling and upset for her son. I wish someone had been sensible enough to make the suggestion to me when DC was younger so we may have had some understanding instead of being ostracised in the playground at drop off and collection.

We lack the ability to read social clues but as soon as we do we react appropriately
I don't think he does lack the ability to understand social clues. He seems quite good at this, and at reading other peoples' emotions. I suspect his father has autism, or psychopathy, or something undiagnosed. But DS isn't like him. But maybe I should consider looking into it.

@theverything Also, your son's needs are far more important than you making friends. He is clearly struggling
That is a really shitty thing to say. Obviously I know my son is struggling and that is why I am asking for help for him. And I am going to throw your ' I don't think you know anything about' right back at you. Both of the family support workers quickly identified that I needed to be ok to be able to help my son and having a support network of friends is part of that, which they have encouraged me to go out and seek. I cannot be an adequate mother if I am lonely and isolated and mentally collapsing. Having social connections are not a luxury extra to life and if you don't know that then you not only know nothing about supporting parents but you nothing about human beings either.

Can we please stop with the "Oh, X has difficulties. Has s/he been assessed for autism" crap? I have autism and it's really offensive that every time someone mentions behavioural difficulties, someone chimes in with a comment about autism.

And, please, stop with the misunderstanding that those of us on the spectrum lack empathy. We lack the ability to read social clues but as soon as we do we react appropriately.

When you're on the spectrum life is difficult enough as it is without people - no matter how well-meaning - relating any kind of difficulty to autism.

I'm just here to agree.

OP how are things at school? Could he be getting bullied? That would account for him not wanting anyone to look at him. Of something happened and he was bullied or even teased about it he may react strongly to try and make sure that could t happen again? Just a thought but I would definitely speak to school.

How does his behaviour differ when he’s in school? I think it would be really useful to ask his school (I know it’s difficult at the moment, but when they go back) to have an educational psychologist out to observe and assess him, they come from the Local Authority. The school likely buy into hours.

They don’t diagnose any conditions such as ASD/ADHD, they will assess different areas such as cognition and learning, social emotional mental health (which his behaviour falls under), communication and interaction (which his behaviours would also fall under) and physical and sensory.

The EP will give strategies and interventions to use with your child to help with their difficulties.

I agree about chatting with the school. The reaction you got is very similar to the reaction that I would get from my DS who is a very empathetic and caring child with ASD.

@firesidetartan Well he's not at school at the moment but school always say he is fine at school. The school always say he plays with other children but I have to say when I described to an ex teacher what I see when I collect him from afterschool group, she said that is 'shadow playing' and the other children would probably say that they had not been playing with my son, though my son would believe he has. He does play properly with the younger children we have play dates with though.

He likes to be by himself when he is upset and they have said this is a fine coping strategy. But it has reached awful levels. it is not that he takes himself off to a room. He screams and shouts and insists others leave the room.

He insists? Do you oblige him in this?

Of course you’re right to be concerned about his ability to make friends as well as your own. That’s perfectly rational and fine, op.

He's had an EP assessment as he is very behind with his learning in school. I've asked the school to get in touch with the EP again re a dyslexia diagnosis. Maybe I should ask about autism too though. Its difficult though if at school as his behaviour at school does seem to be very different from at home. I suspect he is more aware of being picked on for behaving oddly at school than he is when out and about with me and his younger friends.

Yeah my child has autism and is EXTREMELY empathetic. You wouldn't know she has autism until you spend a lot of time with her

He insists? Do you oblige him in this?
Of course not.