STOP LOOKING!! STOP LOOKING!! How can I help my son?

[NoBlueSkyComing]

My DS1 is almost 8 and has always been a very sensitive child. Very easily hurt physically and emotionally. He can react very aggressively, verbally and sometimes physically too. I have seen two family support workers about him. He likes to be by himself when he is upset and they have said this is a fine coping strategy. But it has reached awful levels. it is not that he takes himself off to a room. He screams and shouts and insists others leave the room. He is now ruining play dates. He doesn't have friends his own age but does a few years younger. But today he fell when out with a friend. Just a normal trip on the pavement. No big deal. But for the rest of the 20 minute work home he kept screaming, 'DON'T LOOK AT ME!!' at his friend or his brother or his friend's mum, if they turned around in his direction. I had to walk metres behind the others so he could hide behind me, except to scream aggressively at them occasionally if they turned in his direction. He screams repeatedly at strangers, adults and children if he falls when out, 'STOP LOOKING! DON'T LOOK AT ME.' He ruined another playdate recently, simply would not calm down, he did take himself off to hide but did not calm down, every time his friend came to find him he would scream at him. After 30 mins his friend started crying as my son would not play with him and told his mum he wanted to go home so they did. This behaviour is ruining his, and consequently my, ability to make friends.

I have no idea what to do. I can't talk to him. He just screams at me to shut up. Even if I try later when he is calmer; only very, very occasionally can I manage to very briefly talk about a recent behaviour of his. I have tried talking about that film Outside In and how being sad makes others care for you, and that is what happens when he falls. I've tried being blunt and saying no-one will want to be your friend if you behave like that, so let me help you to find a way to respond differently. But nothing works. He's getting worse.

I am at the end of my tether. He gets a lot of time and attention and love and praise. But I am starting to find him increasingly hard to like when he is like this. I worry desperately about him, but his refusal to even try to help himself is hard to take. He has just told me that he knows himself better than me and he can't change and never will be able to.

Definitely look for advice and support from the experts. His reactions seems extreme, He seems unable to control his emotions. Also, because you suspect his father has something, your son may have inherited it, perhaps not to the same level. The sooner you find out the sooner you will find support and help for your child. It takes time and a lot of pushing from school and the parent.

My niece has being diagnosed with ADHD, It was very obvious and I suggested it to my sister a few years ago, I think my sister was in denial. She has finally got her assessed and she got the diagnosis which is great as she will get the support and understanding She needs.

I suggest also to read the highly Sensitive Child book.

For what it's worth OP, and may be something worth looking into if it fits the bill is dyslexia or dyspraxia, purely from my own experiences.

I am both dyslexic and dyspraxia, and wasn't diagnosed until I was 15. I struggled in school and was always frustrated with myself that I couldn't make what was in my head come out onto paper or process it into a coherent speech, I'd get worked up and beat myself up and panic. Teachers often labelled me as (at best) scatter brained and easily distracted, or (at worst) lazy and/or a bit stupid. This in turn made me more frustrated in a way that I couldn't articulate and I did act out - becuase I was a frustrated and exhausted child.

This in turn made me over react and panic when ever I made a mistake or something went wrong because I was so angry that I was "being stupid".

I was 100% the kind of child who would fly into a panicky, stressed and mortified rage if I fell over or if dropped something or couldn't make something work the way I wanted it to.

Hope you find the help and support for both you and your child OP!

@Okokokbear

OP when you mention following up re dyslexia I hope you're not implying his behaviour is related to being dyslexic? Just that's not what dyslexia is.

It's not a direct relationship, no. But if it isn't recognised and addressed appropriately, leading to unacknowledged difficulties with school work, it can have a significant impact on the child's self image. The effect of this can vary - some children respond by becoming more aggressive as a way of boosting themselves, while some become very sensitive. It's a very wide range of possible reactions.

It is not beyond the bounds of possibility that the OP's DS feels his lack of progress intensely and that his response is to want to disappear out of sight, literally or metaphorically, rather than draw attention to himself. However as he is only eight and frightened, he hasn't yet understood that his behaviour leads to more attention, not less.

It is therefore completely possible that he is dyslexic and that it is at least partly responsible for his sensitivity and behaviour. To say 'that's not what dyslexia is' is factually correct, but ignores the broader consequences of it.

Op can I suggest something? When DS is absorbed in something at home and isn't aware of you just going quietly about whatever you are doing, suddenly shout out. It will make him notice you, and you can then discuss with him that it is actually being quiet that makes you go unnoticed. You may have to do it a few times over a few days, but it would be worth a try.

He sounds just like my step son who is the same age, he really exploded at me a couple of weeks ago when he bumped his head.

My DS (step sons half brother) is diagnosed as autistic. My OH is (undiagnosed but very clearly) autistic. I do wonder whether DSS is on the spectrum too because he doesn't handle emotions and reactions like one would expect a NT to.

I would push for an assessment OP.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible

Has he been assessed for any conditions such as ASD?

He doesn't strike me as autistic. He can be a very empathetic

OP, I am sorry you are having trouble with your son. That sounds very difficult, indeed.

Can we please stop with the "Oh, X has difficulties. Has s/he been assessed for autism" crap? I have autism and it's really offensive that every time someone mentions behavioural difficulties, someone chimes in with a comment about autism.

And, please, stop with the misunderstanding that those of us on the spectrum lack empathy. We lack the ability to read social clues but as soon as we do we react appropriately.

When you're on the spectrum life is difficult enough as it is without people - no matter how well-meaning - relating any kind of difficulty to autism.

Thank you for listening to my TED talk.

If a child has difficulties that chime with ASD spectrum behaviours then they should be assessed for autism. I'm sorry if you find offensive, but this thread is not about you.

Some parents of children with behavioural difficulties will discover their children are indeed on the spectrum.

The reason ASD has been mentioned in this context is that DS's behaviour could indeed be consistent with it. It may also just be that he's a very sensitive child. Only expert evaluation will be able to tell.

I agree that the idea that people with ASD cannot be empathetic is a misunderstanding. But ironically in your post you do display a lack of empathy for others

Can we please stop with the "Oh, X has difficulties. Has s/he been assessed for autism" crap?

Well, it depends what sort of difficulties are being described, surely?

I work in a mental health and neurodisability team working with children. When someone describes a child who's struggling with social communication, consideration of ASD is one of the things to look at.

Op, if it was my dc, I'd be seeing if he would play through a similar scene with teddies or lego figures or whatever, and see if he's more about to articulate what the toy that hurts themself is feeling or wants to happen.

I wonder whether it's possible to work out whether the desire not to be looked at is because of embarrassment (leading to anger) or a desire to reduce his sensory input?

It's tricky at the moment, but when the schools are back, I wonder whether a senco might be able to support him in building skills to make friends.

@NoBlueSkyComing

He doesn't strike me as autistic. He can be a very empathetic, caring little, he cries at sad parts in films.

He is very, very anxious and sensitive though. He screams ' stop looking' as he is embarrassed at falling and that overwhelms him. But of course, the falling is trivial. What is embarrassing is his behaviour following the fall!

My adult autistic daughter is just like this!

Does he have food/drink that have E numbers is. He may have a reaction to some of the colourants.
Myself and DCs do and I swear it’s like o hurt someone and I wouldn’t care. It’s a red mist that descends so quickly that anything can trigger it. Sometimes it’s like you’re waiting for an excuse to scream at someone so you get this anger out of you.
It takes ages shopping and looking at what side effects certain E numbers can have but it is so worth it

I must admit, having two children at different points on the autistic spectrum, that my first thought was autism. Autistic people have stronger emotions than others and can be empathetic and caring but it tends to be black and white and on their terms. They can often behave in a much younger manner and find it easier to get on with adults or younger children than their peers. I am sure we all hope we are wrong with our suspicions but it would be worth speaking to the SENCO at your child’s school and your doctor, telling them what you have told us. I would also keep a written record of all such incidents with dates as it will give you and them something to go on.

@Feedingthebirds1

Yeah I said that

I will admit I thought autism (and I say that as an adult currently on the diagnosis pathway myself). However DD1 was very very like this up until about a few months ago (same age) and she seems to be coming out of the other side of the worst of it now (until puberty looms no doubt).

We did a lot of work on emotional literacy - being able to label and understand her feelings (I used the Inside Out film but just in terms of translating how she felt with each emotion onto the characters - and really reinforcing the vocabulary of "this feeling's angry, when I feel angry I feel like a bit of paper that's all been scrunched up" etc). Not massively overtly - just dripped in through chats over time.

I accepted that she is someone who needs to be on her own to get control over her emotions as well (DD2 is a hugger who needs to be hugged and squished when upset - DD1 is a stomper up to bedroom, pick up a book and forget why she's upset and reappear wanting feeding) - and we started to really praise when she saw herself getting annoyed and walked away from situations. The high point of this came at grandparents when her grandfather was getting really exasperated with her sibling pushing her luck and DD1 walked up to him and told him, "You look like you're starting to get cross now - you go out of the room and calm down and I'll deal with her before you lose your temper!"

With the falling thing I would have probably explained that I would have felt embarrassed and just wanted to disappear and how I would have handled that. I might have made a joke about all those times you almost trip and end up having to try to style it out as some kind of jaunty walk - but I know that humour, pitched right (and generally involving me making a tit of myself, does defuse DD1 very effectively.

One thing that has worked quite well for DD1 is we have a specific calm down cuddly toy that she tends to grab and respond very well to - it's a weighted one and it just seems to give her a bit of reassurance to find herself again. I do have a large question mark regarding DD1 and autism though - I'll freely admit that.

I wonder whether it's possible to work out whether the desire not to be looked at is because of embarrassment (leading to anger) or a desire to reduce his sensory input?

Its definitely the embarrassment. I've suggested the blanket thing people mentioned and he replied, 'No! Its the opposite. They need to stop looking at me.' And he did say it was because he feels embarrassed when he falls. And then refused to talk about it anymore. But he seems unable to understand that screaming repeatedly at everyone around him is MORE embarrassing than just falling over. But I guess by then he is so overwhelmed he's not really thinking.

@NoBlueSkyComing

He doesn't strike me as autistic. He can be a very empathetic, caring little, he cries at sad parts in films.

He is very, very anxious and sensitive though. He screams ' stop looking' as he is embarrassed at falling and that overwhelms him. But of course, the falling is trivial. What is embarrassing is his behaviour following the fall!

Some autistic/ASD people are empathetic and caring.

It's not One Size Fits All,

ASD is a spectrum - my niece has ASD, ADHD and dyslexia. She is hugely sensitive, anxious and empathetic. Sounds like your son could be similar.

Just sending you a hug. He sounds so sweet and you sound like a great mum ❤️

Hi OP,
I have two highly sensitive children who tend to melt down at small triggers. Neither are autistic as I am knowledgable in this area but also have asked their teachers in the past to be sure.
I have recently had some training in therapeutic thinking and feel it does help with the meltdowns with my children and others. It involves looking at things in a different way.
For example - when your child started screaming after he fell over - how did you react? You must have felt stressed by that situation? (I’ve been in it btw so I know!)
The way to handle it according to therapeutic thinking is that you stop. You give the child the emotional language they need “You have fallen, that must have been a shock,” “I can see you don’t want anyone to look at you right now”
“I understand that them looking is making you unhappy - you look like you are angry.” “It’s ok to be angry when you have fallen as it hurts.” “Can I help you with your knee?” “Even though you are shouting you look like you are feeling a little better?” “I know when you hurt yourself it’s hard not to shout” “I know it’s important to you that people don’t look at you when you are upset - but they do it because they care about you.”

Honestly this works - validate their feelings and they will not feel so lost, confused and angry. Don’t worry about your friends feelings - if they are a person worth knowing they will be sympathetic to your child.
Your child probably has a lot of social anxiety? Do you have that too?

I think some people need to be more empathetic, okay the OP doesn’t fully understand autism and didn’t mean to be offensive. Give her a break 🙄

I can't add to the excellent and varied advice already given, BUT may I say how much I admire the efficacy of your thread title?

It is a very clever way of ensuring that people DO look at your thread, and you will generate a large pool of replies. If only you could get your son to understand he's achieving the opposite of what he's asking for!

I hope you find something that helps- good luck.

It may be that your child needs a lot of coaching with their emotions - some children aren’t as laid back - have bigger feelings that others.

@NoBlueSkyComing

I wonder whether it's possible to work out whether the desire not to be looked at is because of embarrassment (leading to anger) or a desire to reduce his sensory input?

Its definitely the embarrassment. I've suggested the blanket thing people mentioned and he replied, 'No! Its the opposite. They need to stop looking at me.' And he did say it was because he feels embarrassed when he falls. And then refused to talk about it anymore. But he seems unable to understand that screaming repeatedly at everyone around him is MORE embarrassing than just falling over. But I guess by then he is so overwhelmed he's not really thinking.

Actually, having said that its both. He has a very low pain threshold, so he'll feel more pain and shock from a fall than most kids would, so the fall is already a bigger deal for him than it would be for other kids, and then the embarrassment kicks in.

Try not to despair: it won't be like this forever, although I'm sure it feels like it will be.

When my child has outbursts or gets overwhelmed I try to use humour and silliness to diffuse the situation. Once she laughs it stems the emotional flow.

Also maybe just give yourself, and him, a bit of a break from the play dates and the expectations of socialising in a certain way, to take the pressure off a bit. You sound like a lovely mum, stay strong.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible

Has he been assessed for any conditions such as ASD?

He doesn't strike me as autistic. He can be a very empathetic

OP, I am sorry you are having trouble with your son. That sounds very difficult, indeed.

Can we please stop with the "Oh, X has difficulties. Has s/he been assessed for autism" crap? I have autism and it's really offensive that every time someone mentions behavioural difficulties, someone chimes in with a comment about autism.

And, please, stop with the misunderstanding that those of us on the spectrum lack empathy. We lack the ability to read social clues but as soon as we do we react appropriately.

When you're on the spectrum life is difficult enough as it is without people - no matter how well-meaning - relating any kind of difficulty to autism.

Thank you for listening to my TED talk.

Really well said

OP - can I also add - you sound very proactive to me - going to family support worker etc etc - I have struggled with similar and I wish you an easier time with him in the future. If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me anytime xxxx

the idea that people with ASD cannot be empathetic is a misunderstanding

Yes, it absolutely is.

My DS is 3 with a diagnosis of ASD, he is the first to come and embrace and console me and his sister when he thinks we're sad.

I have two siblings who were like this as children. Neither one is neurodivergent both trained as actors in adulthood.