STOP LOOKING!! STOP LOOKING!! How can I help my son?

[NoBlueSkyComing]

My DS1 is almost 8 and has always been a very sensitive child. Very easily hurt physically and emotionally. He can react very aggressively, verbally and sometimes physically too. I have seen two family support workers about him. He likes to be by himself when he is upset and they have said this is a fine coping strategy. But it has reached awful levels. it is not that he takes himself off to a room. He screams and shouts and insists others leave the room. He is now ruining play dates. He doesn't have friends his own age but does a few years younger. But today he fell when out with a friend. Just a normal trip on the pavement. No big deal. But for the rest of the 20 minute work home he kept screaming, 'DON'T LOOK AT ME!!' at his friend or his brother or his friend's mum, if they turned around in his direction. I had to walk metres behind the others so he could hide behind me, except to scream aggressively at them occasionally if they turned in his direction. He screams repeatedly at strangers, adults and children if he falls when out, 'STOP LOOKING! DON'T LOOK AT ME.' He ruined another playdate recently, simply would not calm down, he did take himself off to hide but did not calm down, every time his friend came to find him he would scream at him. After 30 mins his friend started crying as my son would not play with him and told his mum he wanted to go home so they did. This behaviour is ruining his, and consequently my, ability to make friends.

I have no idea what to do. I can't talk to him. He just screams at me to shut up. Even if I try later when he is calmer; only very, very occasionally can I manage to very briefly talk about a recent behaviour of his. I have tried talking about that film Outside In and how being sad makes others care for you, and that is what happens when he falls. I've tried being blunt and saying no-one will want to be your friend if you behave like that, so let me help you to find a way to respond differently. But nothing works. He's getting worse.

I am at the end of my tether. He gets a lot of time and attention and love and praise. But I am starting to find him increasingly hard to like when he is like this. I worry desperately about him, but his refusal to even try to help himself is hard to take. He has just told me that he knows himself better than me and he can't change and never will be able to.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible

Has he been assessed for any conditions such as ASD?

He doesn't strike me as autistic. He can be a very empathetic

OP, I am sorry you are having trouble with your son. That sounds very difficult, indeed.

Can we please stop with the "Oh, X has difficulties. Has s/he been assessed for autism" crap? I have autism and it's really offensive that every time someone mentions behavioural difficulties, someone chimes in with a comment about autism.

And, please, stop with the misunderstanding that those of us on the spectrum lack empathy. We lack the ability to read social clues but as soon as we do we react appropriately.

When you're on the spectrum life is difficult enough as it is without people - no matter how well-meaning - relating any kind of difficulty to autism.

Thank you for listening to my TED talk.

Can we please stop with the adults with autism coming on here and thinking they are representative of everyone with autism. Your use of 'we' is not correct, because not every person with a diagnosis of autism is the same as you. The very fact that you are able to come on here and express yourself is something that would not be possible for many adults with autism, and just because you can, doesn't mean that your experience of autism is the only one we should consider.

Can we please stop with the "Oh, X has difficulties. Has s/he been assessed for autism" crap?

Children with undiagnosed autism whose needs are unrecognised and unmet are often distressed. That distress usually manifests in behaviour that is perceived as problematic in some way by those around them.

Therefore it will quite often be the case that, when a parent on MN asks for help to understand their child's behaviour, someone who recognises it as something they have seen in their own child may suggest that the OP considers the possibility of ASD.

This is perfectly appropriate. It's not crap, discriminatory or armchair diagnosis; it's just a reasonable suggestion made with good intentions.

Agree with prufrocks and stovetopexpresso comments.
Personally I'd say his emotional resilience is so low he just can't process things that happen that are out of his control that he perceives as negative. I'd take him back to the beginning as others have said play some basic games where you can win and lose and make up some gentle role play games as suggested. Perhaps role model making mistakes 'by accident' and not having things perfect and reacting healthily yourself . Baking a cake and it being flat whatever is simple for him to understand.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible

Are you sure regarding the having empathy thing? As the op is clearly distressed about her son yet you've come here looking for a fight I've what autism is or isn't. Doesn't feel very empathetic to me. It's starting to come across as picking on op.

I was also going to suggets the 5 point scale.
It helps the child to understand the difference between small thing and extreme thing.

eg Looking at me
glance v staring in horror at me. Plus more points in between.

It is the fine tuning of emotions and reactions that he seems ot be struggling with and the 5 point scale is very helpful for this

Re comments about lack of empathy it's what much literature on autism says.

A rigidity of thinking and the lack of ability to understand how other people are feeling, unable to take an interest in others due to something in the neural pathways.

For SOME people with autism, I've just done a course on this, light course but It heavily pushed this for somewhat adults with asd.

Can we please stop with the "Oh, X has difficulties. Has s/he been assessed for autism" crap? I have autism and it's really offensive that every time someone mentions behavioural difficulties, someone chimes in with a comment about autism.

It is demoralising to have autism and be patronised by people whose attitude is "I'm the parent of a child with autism; therefore I know more about autism and autistic behaviour than you do".

It is demoralising when someone with autism attempts to close down ANY opinions about someone else's child except for those that are voiced by ONE person with autism.

@NoBlueSkyComing

No, I was thinking it may explain his difficulty progressing with his school work.

OK I get what you mean. Also issues progressingat school can really impact on self esteem. So then cause behaviour issues. I know this from. My own experience with dyslexia.

My 8 year old DD (diagnosed last year with ADHD and ASD with PDA traits) is extremely similar to Moody"s son described above and prefers playing with younger DC. She does have friends her own age, kind of, but they need to be people she's known since nursery or else boys up for doing hours of parallel play on Roblox.

She also masks pretty successfully in school, although school did recognise the issues when it was drawn to their attention (it became very obvious in online teaching).

OP I don't have any advice on how to help your child, sorry, but I notice that you said he had a lot of pain in infancy. And these incidents that you've described seem to have the common theme of him hurting himself/getting hurt.

Is there any possibility of PTSD? Just wondering if he had a physical trauma, possibly at an age you'd think he couldn't recall consciously, and when he feels physical pain now he begins to panic overwhelmingly and feel unbearably vulnerable and that everyone was looking at him and that he had no understanding or control of the situation? (Thus the attempts to regain control by demanding that people leave the room, don't look at him, etc.) I could see this being a possibility if he had medical interventions, especially emergency ones.

If PTSD is diagnosed there are some excellent therapies to help him cope and be able to control his reactions much better.

I would also question if this behaviour has started, or significantly worsened, since you moved countries - that must have been a real culture shock for him especially if it involved moving schools as well. What is the situation at home - is his dad around? Have there been household changes which may have contributed?

You absolutely have all my sympathy, you sound like such a caring mum and this must be incredibly tiring and upsetting for you, as well as your DS

Hi OP

God, it's so tough isn't it.

You are doing so well and clearly care very much about your son.

I know as other posters say, people can often jump on the diagnosis bandwagon quickly, but your son's behaviour does sound extreme.

My son (now 23) was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 9. It tools us nearly that long to accept to and get him assessed, even though looking back, he was clearly very very different to his classmates.

We kept reassuring ourselves "he's calm when he's at home, he's a very caring boy (he is), he just gets overexcited / doesn't manage well when he's not in control / things don't his way.

Like you, I had to facilitate all play dates & friendships and try and build relationships for him.

His diagnosis helped us understand him and the school manage him well.

He's now a young man with a wonderful friendship group (thanks to sport). I would have got him assessed much sooner if I could turn the clock back.

Thankyou loopylobes I felt really bad for my comment about recognising similarities with my child. It was meant from a good place,I wasn't trying to offend anyone. My child can be lovely and cuddly and empathetic but also has difficulties.

Also issues progressingat school can really impact on self esteem. So then cause behaviour issues @Okokokbear Yes, I think this is happening and Lockdown really hasn't helped.

Thanks to the majority of posters who have made really helpful comments and insights and some really practical advice and tips too. I'm off to get dinner now but will be pondering all the information on here and trying to come up with a plan of action tomorrow. Thanks again, I really glad I posted. Its been really helpful.

I would get him on the waiting list to see a counsellor. Can you pay privately? It sounds as though he becomes overwhelmed by his emotions very easily.

What is your response to his meltdowns? Do you have a safe space for him? When he has his wobbles could you put him in a calm time out where he can think about his feelings? Come back every five minutes and if he persists to scream and cry leave him until he can speak to you like a big boy. It may found somewhat infantilising but if he has regressed could you go back to communicating over this like he is 4/5 again. He is obviously very overwhelmed, it could be covid, lack of routine ect.

If you don't feel there are any medical reasons for his behaviour it sounds as though he is crying out for something to be fixed in a way he doesn't know how. Putting him what he can establish to be a safe space may ease it a little?

Can he articulate why he gets so worked up? Are there triggers?

Sounds like my autistic child. And they are incredibly empathetic to the point where they feel so much they can’t cope with the overload with it and it can cause meltdowns.

Behaviourvat schoolvdiffering to home is also extremely common. Have you heard of ‘masking’? It Sounds like what your child could well be doing.

It’s perfectly reasonable for posters to suggest possible ASD or to advise for referrals, if the information in the OP’s post is similar/the same as their dc. Often it doesn’t even cross parents minds that there dc COULD have a medical condition causing their issues.

My dd has ASD, I thought from age 3, yet it took til age 11 for her to be dx. Until then I just got ‘oh she’s just shy’, ‘oh she’s just a mummy’s girl’, ‘oh she’s just a little homebird’, ‘oh she never acts like this in school, you must be doing something wrong at home’.

Turns out no, I was right, she has ASD.

But OP ... please don’t try and fit your ds into what you think he might have ... just look into getting him referred and let professionals do their jobs.

Ask the family support workers to do social stories with him.

Also he still needs consequences. Shouting at others is unacceptable. No access to tablets for the rest of the day, etc. Repeated explanation that shouting makes others scared and sad.

Could his father's behaviour have had a traumatic impact upon him, which in turn has reduced his emotional resilience and coping mechanisms?

Sorry, meant to add that the only thing that has helped us a bit is finding other parents in a similar position (on a Facebook group which was listed on a charity's website).

Some things can go together like autism and dyspraxia (might explain the falling over if common, can also impact speed of processing work)

FYI my son does have autism however with social stories, positive reinforcement and consequences we have reduced numerous behaviours.

I still expect good behaviour the journey has just been a little longer and needed more help.

OP my son is 8 and I recognise the extremes of emotion part of what you're describing. I don't believe it goes any further than that in my son's case, so I don't know how useful this will be to you.

We tried lots of things:

• time in your room on your own to calm down
• telling us he was struggling with his feelings and asking us for help
• getting hold of him and holding him in a tight hug

Some sort of combination of these has worked, along with a wee bit of 'you're getting too old for this' and he does seem to be improving. Like I say, I don't know how useful this will be, but worth posting anyway maybe.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible

Has he been assessed for any conditions such as ASD?

He doesn't strike me as autistic. He can be a very empathetic

OP, I am sorry you are having trouble with your son. That sounds very difficult, indeed.

Can we please stop with the "Oh, X has difficulties. Has s/he been assessed for autism" crap? I have autism and it's really offensive that every time someone mentions behavioural difficulties, someone chimes in with a comment about autism.

And, please, stop with the misunderstanding that those of us on the spectrum lack empathy. We lack the ability to read social clues but as soon as we do we react appropriately.

When you're on the spectrum life is difficult enough as it is without people - no matter how well-meaning - relating any kind of difficulty to autism.

Thank you for listening to my TED talk.

As a person with autism you clearly know what makes you tick, but that doesn’t mean you know how everyone else with autism ticks. That’s one of the signs of autism - a lack of insight into other peoples reactions / behaviours. Many parents find it offensive that their child is being labelled as having behavioural difficulties as though this is something to be ashamed about.

OP, it does sound like your ds may need some professional input into his reactions in these situations. I am a bit worried about your comment about its affecting your ability to make friends and that you don't like him when he’s like this. Are you embarrassed when he behaves in this way? That would be a perfectly normal response, but it may also be something he’s picking up on.
I’d speak to the Senco at school as soon as they're back full time and ask for support. In the meantime, if he does exhibit this behaviour, he needs to be removed from the situation as quickly and quietly as possible - back to the car, walk in the opposite direction as everyone else, if on a play date brought straight home. That way, he’s not being exposed to other peoples perhaps less than sympathetic reactions and he will have more time to calm down. I suggest him using a coat / hood / blanket to cover himself with so he feels safer and less exposed.

The behaviour is something that only a professional EP can look into and observe.

My father who is 80 plus has major OCD, control issues etc he would never ever agree to any assessment as he sees himself as normal.

Ex husband refers to himself (not me saying this) as autistic and says he is on the spectrum. Other people in his family say it as well. It’s not helpful. Because 1. He has no assessment and diagnosis 2. Ergo no treatment or support 3. For the start of our marriage there were no issues so in my mind he could ‘control his behaviour’ 4. When he behaves in a strange way or is abusive he will follow this up with ‘but I’m autistic, this is how I behave etc ‘ it is beyond frustrating and does a complete disservice to everyone who is autistic or on the spectrum.

You can accept it as the status quo or get a diagnosis / help or support. The internet can not diagnose him. Neither can I or my ex husband diagnose him.
Autism is not something you can use to explain certain types of behaviour without a diagnosis

My son is 14 and is loving and funny but also has massive meltdowns at times.
When he reached 11 it seemed like a mask had slipped like all the balls he was keeping in the air fell and we saw that actually my loving funny son had been masking his problems and they only showed when he was really upset.
We are now waiting for him to be assessed for Asd and Adhd.
I am glad that we seem to have some answer to why he has he's meltdowns also he now understands more as to why he loses it when he is upset
I have also started thinking back to when he was little and honestly the signs were there.