It is a Mumsnet truth universally acknowledged.....

[NotJackieWeaver]

I’ll start.

It is a Mumsnet truth universally acknowledged that when a mumsnetter finds a certain situation absurd that another Mumsnetter has not found absurd the second Mumsnetter must feel personally judged and take offence.

If you pay for your adult children and their kids to come on holiday with you because you can afford it and everyone loves skiing and the Caribbean, you are ‘infantilising’ them and they should be camping in the rain in some benighted spot in the UK.

...That one’s teeth can itch.

...That one should never leave one’s washing out overnight, and that terrible consequences will ensue if one does.

That if you are giving your first it must be announced as a first since first clearly have some hidden, mystical power. See also first LTB, etc.

Similarly, if you are annoyed with a thread you should announce that you’re leaving in such a way as to make clear that you are peeved and about to flounce off. It is forbidden to simply quietly click out of MN and go and do something else like re-arrange your sock drawer or catch up with that Netflix series you’ve been meaning to finish. This is particularly important if you do not in fact intend to leave but instead want to lurk and pop up again after several pages and re-argue the case that everyone has already disagreed with. .

All MNers have 101 on speed dail in order to "log it"

All schools are 100% responsible for all children all of the time.
Eg... during the summer holidays some kids were doing ....insert here... should I tell the parents?
No, advise the school

And don’t mention the bog brush!!

...that every single family member over the age of 12 should be doing their own washing. Even if they do a fair share of other chores washing should be done by each person otherwise they'll grow up to be lazy cocklodgers.

You must never say that you found having a newborn anything less than completely traumatic. If you dare to tell someone expecting their first baby that actually a lot of people find it ok, obviously exhausting but nothing they couldn't deal with, you are an unsupportive misogynist who is seeking to minimise women's work in giving birth to the next generation. Rather than someone trying to reassure someone else that they don't need to be terrified and it might all be ok.

....That you must marry your long term partner or the sky will fall in

@IHaveBrilloHair

You must never call an ambulance, even if your head is just hanging on by a string you should make your own way to A&E, as ambulances are for actual emergencies.

There's no need for A&E if your head is still attached by a string. You will be perfectly fine!

that you must be right on and left wing, unless we're talking about private education...

It's a known fact that all Universities are completely crap and only forvdunces, unless they are Russell group.

That a couple of squares of 300% cocoa chocolate replaces the urge for a Twirl.

That expecting anything better than being spat on by your own family is CF territory.

Tradesmen who prefer to be paid in cash are tax dodging, cheating lowlives.

(rather than small business people who get charged a fortune for banking cash)

Everyone can change their working hours/opt to go part time/take a day's holiday at the drop of a hat.

And you must never let a tradesman use your toilet because they carry special tradesman toxins that are potentially fatal if you're middle class.

You can't possibly live in a house with only one bathroom, the horror.

It's a Mumsnet truth universally acknowledged that no one will read the thread (did anyone already suggest this)

No vagina no opinion

300% cocoa chocolate

Where can I buy this stuff? It sounds good...

Any baby sleep problem: just cosleep! (Particularly if OP has already expressed that co-sleeping is not for them) 'I still sleep with my three aged 3-9 and THEY'RE ONLY TINY FOR SUCH A LITTLE WHILE'

Any breastfeeding problem: take a babymoon and do some nice skin to skin. For god's sake don't try mixed feeding, your boobs will fall off.

My 18 month old has never slept for more than 27 mins at a time since birth and it is unreasonable/cruel/laughably naive for you to hope that your baby might be able to do better.

If druggies are shooting up, drinking meths and throwing up in your stairwell, take them out a duvet and a flask of coffee.

That going to church is always the answer to being lonely even if your op clearly states that worship Nigel farage the devil.

Having garlic bread with lasagne is 'double carbing' rather than something which tastes nice.

that people should suddenly morph in to competent, worldly wise , emotionally and economically independent adults the day they become eighteen.

That no matter what he's done, you always, ALWAYS, LTB