It is a Mumsnet truth universally acknowledged.....

[NotJackieWeaver]

I’ll start.

It is a Mumsnet truth universally acknowledged that when a mumsnetter finds a certain situation absurd that another Mumsnetter has not found absurd the second Mumsnetter must feel personally judged and take offence.

If a poster needs help with a life or death matter, but makes a grammatical error in their OP, correcting the grammatical error must take priority over the poster's emergency, however dire that is.

Any reference to modern clothes sizes is null and void because there will be at least one poster on the thread who still owns a size 18 skirt they bought in 1972 that has a 10 inch waist.

That any post concerning neighbours' boundaries, walls, hedges, gardens or parking MUST include a diagram, and the more well drawn and detailed the diagram, the more likely it will be that every reply on the thread agrees with the OP's interpretation of the situation.

Everytime you disagree with MIL and they are annoyed, its because they must have dementia .

@AnneLovesGilbert

That if your husband doesn’t want sex it’s his fault. If you don’t want sex it’s also his fault.

That any husband wanting sex is an abuser. Unless ttc

...that the first poster will determine the mood of the response the OP gets no matter how bat shit crazy the response might be. Any posters daring to disagree with aforementioned first replies gets shouted down

@DisgraceToTheYChromosome

"don't forget to autoclave the feeding bottles"

But surely no mumsnetter posseses a feeding bottle

If your DP is a bit shit with the kids it's entirely your fault as you shouldn't have had kids with him in the first place.

Anything to do with losing weight means you need protein.

That no-one with any decency would ever dream of doing a poo in the ensuite bathroom. Ensuites are for wees, and only on condition that they are silent, there are no splashes and the extractor fan is running for an hour afterwards.

If your child can't swim, you have failed them as a parent and you should forgoe every other activity until they learn to do so. Even if you have spent years taking them to different swimming teachers, and started taking them to the pool when they were a baby.

.....Namechanged for this as mentioning my very first world problem and including that I have a DH, DC (insert age) and that I am very comfortable financially is outing

You must not name your child anything in the top 1000 baby names, as it will be common

On no account must you reveal your DH's hobby because it's always 'outing' even if it's something every second bloke does as a pastime.

However, it is OK to hint at it in an oblique way using the MN staple 'think' format - 'my DH's hobby (think wheels, roads, helmets, lycra)'

[quote Ginandplatonic]**@StCharlotte* It is a Mumsnet truth universally acknowledged that if someone does something differently from someone else it must be "regional".*

...or a class thing.

@FetchezLaVache You only wash your sheets twice weekly! That is vile!![/quote]
Ah yes, but it is also a Mumsnet truth universally acknowledged that anyone who uses more than 20L of water per week on all forms of washing combined is a selfish wastrel who is personally responsible for global warming and probably stomps on kittens.

No matter what you ask for recommendations for, films/sofas/cars/lasagne recipes, you will get at least 20 replies telling you of a fantastic Netflix box set.

@CrazyBaubles

If you post a situation that includes you leaving your house or interacting with another person, you must explain you are not in the UK/the interaction was socially distanced or the Covid police will completely miss your point and snip at you about us being in lockdown.

Or that it happened 3 years ago

It is a Mumsnet truth universally acknowledged that at least 20% of any thread will be taken up by posters asking questions that were answered in the op.

It is a Mumsnet truth universally acknowledged that even if a poster is seeking urgent help they should use correct spelling and grammar.

Also, there is no ailment which requires A&E. All posters have access to a walk in medical centre or minor injuries unit. All fractures can be dealt with by sellotaping the fractured part to the nearest unfractured part.

@FetchezLaVache ok I’ll accept twice weekly provided you shower every night and put on fresh pyjamas before getting into bed. And wash your towels daily obvs. There’s just no getting around the water thing - those kittens had better watch out!

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

If you complain about your a parent, no matter how egregious their behaviour, the someone will post "at least you still have a mother / father mine are dead"

Yes. Also if an OP complains how crap their partner is with the children, housework or whatever, it's important that other posters tell the OP how wonderful their partner is by contrast.

OP is immediately heartened, that's why it's so helpful to do that.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

If you complain about your a parent, no matter how egregious their behaviour, the someone will post "at least you still have a mother / father mine are dead"

However good/nice parents or in-laws are if you mention talking to them or visiting more than twice a year then you are enmeshed and need to cut the apron strings.

A Grandmother who expresses enjoyment at spending time with her Grandkids is "trying to play Mum" and should never be left unsupervised.

That anyone can make as much noise as they like in their houses/ gardens and you're a "killjoy" if you object.

Weirdly, Mumsnet frowns on every other kind of non-stiff-upper-lip, ultra-conformist MC behaviour, yet is wildly libertarian on the right of feckless noise-makers to drive quiet-loving people to the brink of insanity in their own homes.

All Mumsnetters live next door to people who are old, nosey, aggressive and noisy.
This is why no Mumsnetter ever opens the door and rings the police if Sid next door looks in their direction, the SAS if Sid says "morning" and Mossad and the anti-paedooooo squad if Sid speaks to the Mumsnetter's child.

That there will always be one poster who reads the OP and then comments seemingly oblivious to the fact there are 600 other replies and the thread has moved onto a different topic entirely.

And another poster will say “I haven’t read the whole thread but have you tried...”

You must never call an ambulance, even if your head is just hanging on by a string you should make your own way to A&E, as ambulances are for actual emergencies.