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Original poster

Why don't people talk about how hard it is having a baby?

140 replies

Lelophants · 04/02/2021 13:48

I feel like I've tried to be really open about the ups and downs and be there for anyone going through it all (I have one friend who is similar and it really helped me when sleep deprived and going through hard times to know it'll pass and in not alone). Most people I talk to just don't talk about it though!

We have friends with a baby just slightly older than us. When they ask how we are I am always pretty open, but all they ever reply is "great, really good!" when I ask how they are. Then later on they always tell us it was actually really stressful and they had the same issues. 😅

Another two friends have recently had babies and when we ask how they are, they just go "yeah really amazing, so perfect, so happy" etc. I know that can't be true as heard from one of their partner they had 3 nights of no sleep.

We're not the kind of people who go around giving constant advice (as we know how annoying that is!) And we also don't complain 24/7 either, we just try to be honest.

It's made me want to just say everything's fine when asked now, even if it's not 🙈 I feel like it's still taboo to mention anything that isn't 100% positive? Is it just me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lelophants · 04/02/2021 13:49

It basically makes me feel like only we (husband and I) find it hard and maybe we're just not cut out for it. Then we find out they feel the same and it's like, oh!

OP posts:
cretelover · 04/02/2021 13:53

Come be my friend OP, I'm always complaining about how hard it is Grin. And I'm doing it all again this summer!

Babysensoryspider · 04/02/2021 13:53

For me it depends on who I'm speaking to - if it's a friend who hasn't had children yet or doesn't want to, I don't want to bore them with all the details so just say I'm good, or maybe add a brief funny anecdote about the nights but say otherwise good

Same for someone I don't know that well who probably isn't interested in the ins and outs. Mum friends I would probably be more conversational with because as you say it really helps to know others are in the same position.

But for me even though I've had some terrible nights of no sleep whatsoever lately (have a young baby at the moment and a toddler) plus same lockdown isolation as everything else, overall things are good and I'm happy and know it's only a temporary situation. So the short answer is good, but I might elaborate depending on who is asking!

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Families
Babysensoryspider · 04/02/2021 13:54

-everyone else not everything else

DavidsSchitt · 04/02/2021 13:54

Who is "we" - you and your husband? Sounds a bit like you want to know everyone's business and poke your noses in.

Not everyone finds having a baby hard, one of mine slept through from birth, absolute doddle. He has woken in the night once in his 7 years!

The other didn't sleep through but only woke for a feed then back down, I was never exhausted so wouldn't tell anyone that I was.

LadyFlumpalot · 04/02/2021 13:55

I found that if I spoke up about finding it hard work then people got annoyed at me for various reasons:

Stop whining, you chose to have a baby.
At least you can have children.
Children are a blessing!

Or smug, "competitive martyr" mums would make me feel bad.

You have all these antenatal classes but no one ever tells you about the stress and guilt.

DavidsSchitt · 04/02/2021 13:57

"You have all these antenatal classes but no one ever tells you about the stress and guilt"

I don't think antenatal classes should focus on those things. I've never felt any stress or guilt from having babies, I'm glad that nobody told me to expect that I should. Guilt? Why?

MagicMatilda · 04/02/2021 13:58

It’s like when people ask how you are, you just say fine thanks and move on. It’s boring for people if you go into the whole ins and outs?

floorplanner · 04/02/2021 14:00

I've come to the conclusion that for a lot of people, having a baby is hard work but not that hard. Lots of babies are quite easygoing.
Mine weren't and I found babies reeeeallly hard just like you. Just kept quiet unless it was a like minded audience because I found the reactions a bit dispiriting.

Now I don't find having kids hard now that they're older. It's so much easier and a pleasure.
Apart from homeschooling Hmm

Kljnmw3459 · 04/02/2021 14:00

It's not been my experience. Generally I find that parents are very honest with how they're coping. Some find it easier, some harder. We found it hard as we didn't have any support. Those with family and friends around them usually find it easier. Also if you have a baby that sleeps well and eats well and is quite a laidback one that will make it easier too. Our first DC was not a great sleeper and was a very, very active and vocal baby during the day (and night!!) So that had an impact.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 04/02/2021 14:00

I think that before you have a child, you have a rose tinted view of what it’s like and you probably wouldn’t believe anyone who told you that the reality is different. I know I had a vision of putting the baby in the car seat and popping out to see friends, go shopping, show him off. How different was the reality!

Maybe people don’t want to put people off, or feel that telling them how hard it really is, will be regarded as negativity, rather than reality. Perhaps some find it much easier than others.

BertieBotts · 04/02/2021 14:01

Maybe they don't want to scare you!

I have a 2yo and if I had a friend with a 1yo, I wouldn't be going on about tantrums and how he still doesn't sleep through in case she was like OMG WTF have I let myself in for??

But I happily rant about these things to other 2-3yo mums.

But also, in general I find small children lovely and not stressful, and I wouldn't immediately jump to those things if someone asked me how things were going. But if someone said specifically what's he like with sleeping, or how do you handle tantrums, then I might be a bit more specific in response.

There is a brilliant book called What Mothers Do: Especially when it looks like nothing, which I found really reassuring and helpful in the first year.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2021 14:05

Is this your first time on MN? All anyone says is how hard and awful having a baby is. It’s like competitive misery.

I found having a baby much much easier than I expected and when people asked and I said it was good thanks I wasn’t lying. Why would I have lied?

It took us years and a lot of heartbreak to get her here and yes I had days when I was tired but it wasn’t hard and it certainly wasn’t harder than the nightmare of wanting a baby and not having one.

Friends have had a range of different experiences and were honest as far as I know about the highs and lows. Personally I find nothing puts me off talking to someone more than then banging on about how hard being a parent is. No one said it was all easy or fun but no one in this country is forced to have children and if you do and then incessantly whinge about how hard it is that’s just boring.

user1493413286 · 04/02/2021 14:09

I think some people find it hard to admit to finding it hard because they never expected to; I knew in theory it could be hard but I thought I’d be a “natural mother”; turns out I’m not really and I miss parts of my pre child life. For some people I also think it’s just not been as hard; I have a friend whose babies both slept and she has a lot of family around here and her babies are very easy going so while nothing is ever easy equally she hasn’t found it as hard for those reasons. I also think people often look back on the first couple of years with rose tinted glasses once their DC are older

Respectabitch · 04/02/2021 14:11

Well, before kids they mostly don't want to listen or aren't equipped to listen. I wouldn't have listened tbh. It's not that I thought it would be easy but I was not really equipped for all the ways in which it was hard. I can't see any way I could have been equipped. I also had a poor-sleeping, high needs Velcro baby which didn't help.

When I talk to someone pregnant with their first I have this terrible, futile wish to prepare them but I know I can't. I stick to talking honestly to people who already have DC where we can go "god, your first baby is such a fucking shock, isn't it".

Plussizejumpsuit · 04/02/2021 14:12

I feel like people talk about it constantly tbh. I just think people think they won't find it as hard or they don't belive people.

steppemum · 04/02/2021 14:13

I used to find that if I talked to parents at the same stage, we were honest, but when I talked to parents who were 6 months further on, they had forgotten whatever the issue was I was struggling with.

So while they may have been massively stressed about sleep 3 months ago, now it was Ok, they have forgotten how bad it was.

But in answer to your question, I disagree, as I think me and my friends were pretty open and honest

Souther · 04/02/2021 14:14

Because when you are struggling they give you stupid advice like ' oh have you tried this?'
Probably something you've tried a hundred times.
If you are struggling theres nothing worse than a crappy comment such as. It'll be worth it in the end. I can do without thanks.

Original poster
Lelophants · 04/02/2021 14:19

@DavidsSchitt

Who is "we" - you and your husband? Sounds a bit like you want to know everyone's business and poke your noses in.

Not everyone finds having a baby hard, one of mine slept through from birth, absolute doddle. He has woken in the night once in his 7 years!

The other didn't sleep through but only woke for a feed then back down, I was never exhausted so wouldn't tell anyone that I was.

We don't! They're friends we've been friends with pre children and they ask about us and want to know what we're going through. Makes me feel like we shouldn't be so honest! I might just say "we're good." 🤣

It's hard for my husband as he doesn't tell people without kids how hard it is as doesn't want to go on. Shame he can't really talk freely with his friends as they don't do it back!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lelophants · 04/02/2021 14:20

@Souther

Because when you are struggling they give you stupid advice like ' oh have you tried this?' Probably something you've tried a hundred times. If you are struggling theres nothing worse than a crappy comment such as. It'll be worth it in the end. I can do without thanks.
I've literally never done this!

I always say "will never give advice unless you ask". I have a friend who is honest with me. It's more that I feel sad people feel they need to hide when it's hard, whereas they don't for other things in life. 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Lelophants · 04/02/2021 14:21

@steppemum

I used to find that if I talked to parents at the same stage, we were honest, but when I talked to parents who were 6 months further on, they had forgotten whatever the issue was I was struggling with.

So while they may have been massively stressed about sleep 3 months ago, now it was Ok, they have forgotten how bad it was.

But in answer to your question, I disagree, as I think me and my friends were pretty open and honest

This is a good point. I've already forgotten what it's like to have a 3 week old say, but try to be pretty sensitive to that!
OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 04/02/2021 14:21

Some people don't want to talk about the thing that's hard. They no there are no solutions they ab ent already heard/tried. They are bored thinking about it and want to change the subject.

Original poster
Lelophants · 04/02/2021 14:22

@picklemewalnuts

Some people don't want to talk about the thing that's hard. They no there are no solutions they ab ent already heard/tried. They are bored thinking about it and want to change the subject.
Fair enough!

I still feel there is taboo though Grin

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 04/02/2021 14:26

For a lot of people (me included) the good outweighs the bad. Yeah, you're not getting much sleep and youre changing endless shitty nappies, but you've got a baby! So you're full of love and joy and that's what you want to talk about.

You sound weirdly obsessed with people being "open and honest" with you. Maybe they just don't want to be!

picklemewalnuts · 04/02/2021 14:27

I was relating it to morning (?!) sickness. Relentless drudgery with no end in sight, and the only positive was getting through another week without being hospitalised. No point talking about it. "How are you?" "Oh, you know, still sick as a dog. I threw up seven times yesterday, so that's better than usual."

Sometimes you want to be distracted from your exhaustion and misery!

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