Why don't people talk about how hard it is having a baby?

[Lelophants]

I feel like I've tried to be really open about the ups and downs and be there for anyone going through it all (I have one friend who is similar and it really helped me when sleep deprived and going through hard times to know it'll pass and in not alone). Most people I talk to just don't talk about it though!

We have friends with a baby just slightly older than us. When they ask how we are I am always pretty open, but all they ever reply is "great, really good!" when I ask how they are. Then later on they always tell us it was actually really stressful and they had the same issues. 😅

Another two friends have recently had babies and when we ask how they are, they just go "yeah really amazing, so perfect, so happy" etc. I know that can't be true as heard from one of their partner they had 3 nights of no sleep.

We're not the kind of people who go around giving constant advice (as we know how annoying that is!) And we also don't complain 24/7 either, we just try to be honest.

It's made me want to just say everything's fine when asked now, even if it's not 🙈 I feel like it's still taboo to mention anything that isn't 100% positive? Is it just me?

I had the opposite experience. ALL I heard was how hard it was, how it was ok not to be ok, etc. It's nowhere near as bad as that! In fact, it's pretty enjoyable mostly.

Yeah, OP's weirdly obsessed

I hear you, op, I'm the same. I've stopped whinging in RL and just whine on here instead.

Ours are 4 and 7 and I'll be brutally honest, it's only just getting easier.

You need more honest friends OP. Friends who are happy to sit and say "god this week has been a fucking nightmare why on Earth did we do this" and not judge. Truly they're invaluable! I can't be on with this "oh I love every moment" nonsense

People do say it's hard. I wouldn't whinge about it in that context though, no one likes whinging.

I honestly didn’t find it that hard at all. I was lucky with my first, and maybe I won’t be with my second but she was a great baby and slept a lot. I did breastfeed her in the night about 3 times each night but she was next to me and after feeding would go to sleep. Babies with colic sound really difficult, and some don’t like to nap apart from on your, but after all the horror stories I had heard I was taken aback by the fact that, actually, it was totally fine.

I just had lunch with some colleagues who are also on maternity leave with their babies. One woman, who is particularly keen to give the impression of being very ‘together’ told me how great her birth was and how she would do it again in a heartbeat. Oh, and her baby is a great sleeper. Interestingly I actually heard from a mutual friend who is very close to her about how traumatised she was by a lengthy induction, sepsis and vacuum delivery - hence I didn’t even ask about it. Apparently when another friend visited her house her baby screamed for half an hour after being put down for a nap.

I think some people think you will view them as a failure if you admit things are hard. Personally I prefer to commiserate with others and laugh about it.

I expected it to be really hard, but weirdly it wasn't. No idea why, but we didn't get the sleepless nights because we coslept and breastfed maybe? No idea why, but it was easier than I'd expected. Other life stuff (death, illness, infertility etc) has been much harder for me, personally, than others said. I suppose it's a different experience for everyone.

I definitely discuss(ed) how hard it is and was with my mum friends who I met when my son was a baby. My husband and I were totally unprepared for how difficult it would be. I don't think we had a particularly difficult baby but we definitely didn't have an easy one. I think some people genuinely don't find it that difficult and that can be a combination of factors - their own personality, the baby and family support make a massive difference. I've also had friends who had an easy baby and then a more difficult one and were in for massive shock second time around. I'm pregnant now and my husband and I are dreading the baby stage but I think we are better prepared this time. We also waited and will have slightly over year 4 age gap. We honestly could not have handled a smaller age gap. We were still traumatized! 😂😂

I was 21 and worked full time when I had my baby as a single mum and didn't find it hard at all.
He was a very content baby, slept through the night from very early on and I went back to work quite soon as we didn't have long maternity leaves in those days so I had adult company all day.
Also being 21 I had boundless energy and went abroad, all over the country and for lovely camping holidays in Ireland with my friends taking my baby with me. He went everywhere with me on a baby rucksack on my back and we had a great time. He loved the excitement of it all.
A baby doesn''t have to be hard work.
My friend does the same with her 13 year old autistic son, he has no speech but they've travelled all over the world for months on end.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I was 21 and worked full time when I had my baby as a single mum and didn't find it hard at all. He was a very content baby, slept through the night from very early on and I went back to work quite soon as we didn't have long maternity leaves in those days so I had adult company all day. Also being 21 I had boundless energy and went abroad, all over the country and for lovely camping holidays in Ireland with my friends taking my baby with me. He went everywhere with me on a baby rucksack on my back and we had a great time. He loved the excitement of it all. A baby doesn''t have to be hard work. My friend does the same with her 13 year old autistic son, he has no speech but they've travelled all over the world for months on end.

A content baby who sleeps through makes for a very different experience !

Glad it was like that for you. 😊

Some people just don't find it hard, for years before I had my 2 dc I worked 2 jobs one in the day time with an early start and one evening/night so I was well used to having little sleep and managing the occasional catch up nap when I had a chance. I think it set me up well for babies and it was actually a rest in a lot of ways. Despite having 2 babies that never slept in the day, one that was poorly for the first year both colicky/refluxy criers and zero help from an increasingly absent now exp I just got on with it, it was certainly no harder than I'd expected before I had them.

It's all a conspiracy.

I agree with you. Mentally I found having a baby incredibly hard, although looking back I was verging on PND. I remember wanting to tell people how shit it all was but you’re supposed to be happy and full of joy so I said it was wonderful but tiring and smiled. Inside I was hating every minute of it and privately I cried all of the time.

One of my friends had her son a year later and asked me why I didn’t tell her how hard it is. But I don’t want to be that mum that goes on about hard I found and dampen someone else’s experience before it’s begun.

Having said all this, I’ve got a new baby and apart from the first couple of weeks where my hormones were crazy, he is an absolute breeze and I’m genuinely enjoying it.

I'm sorry everyone, it's not a mindset thing or a positive attitude thing whether you find having a baby hard or not. It is usually about whether or not your baby has reflux or other health issues that affects how much they cry, and also about how much sleep you're getting and whether or not you can share feeds.

Disagree, some people are bothered less by crying, having a baby stuck to you. Some don't care about breast feeding in public or the dirty looks from people on the bus you are holding up while you juggle baby, bags and folding your pram or because your baby screams throughout the journey for no reason. I know people who became very isolated because reasons like this stopped them going out or the went our but it was all so stressful. I think individual personalities and positive get on with it attitudes can help massively

@Crikeycroc

I just had lunch with some colleagues who are also on maternity leave with their babies. One woman, who is particularly keen to give the impression of being very ‘together’ told me how great her birth was and how she would do it again in a heartbeat. Oh, and her baby is a great sleeper. Interestingly I actually heard from a mutual friend who is very close to her about how traumatised she was by a lengthy induction, sepsis and vacuum delivery - hence I didn’t even ask about it. Apparently when another friend visited her house her baby screamed for half an hour after being put down for a nap.

I think some people think you will view them as a failure if you admit things are hard. Personally I prefer to commiserate with others and laugh about it.

@Crikeycroc Maybe she likes to keep things private?

Maybe she didn’t say anything to you because clearly the last time she confided in someone, that person blabbed to everyone else about her birth trauma?

If you were my friend I’d of put you off good and proper. hardest thing I’ve ever done and I tell everyone 😂

I just had lunch with some colleagues who are also on maternity leave with their babies. One woman, who is particularly keen to give the impression of being very ‘together’ told me how great her birth was and how she would do it again in a heartbeat. Oh, and her baby is a great sleeper. Interestingly I actually heard from a mutual friend who is very close to her about how traumatised she was by a lengthy induction, sepsis and vacuum delivery - hence I didn’t even ask about it. Apparently when another friend visited her house her baby screamed for half an hour after being put down for a nap

Maybe the crying was a once off, or maybe she just isn't particularly bothered about the crying so doesn't think it's worth a mention - babies cry so for many it's just an expectation. Perhaps her 'friend' over exaggerated and she hasn't been put off or as traumatised by the birth as this 'friend' has made out.

I think I was probably a bit flippant in my reply before. I'm child free (by choice) I'm 35 and I've been with my partner 16+years so I have had time to think about this. I don't have kids for lots of reasons but a huge one is I think I have really good understanding of how hard it is.

We did live with my parents, sister and her husband when my niece was 1 to 6 months. (This was a combo of cross county move and house renovation) so I have seen this first hand. But even before this I'd had close friends have babies and none of what I saw with my niece was a shock. So in all honesty I do find it surprising when parents say oh no one told me, I didn't think it would be so hard.

I wonder if maybe I'm seeing it differently because I'm coming to it from a point of view of not wanting children then would need convincing rather than wanting children and things like this putting me off. Like confirmation bias I suppose!

I found the newborn stage absolutely wonderful and I didn't have good sleepes at all. I loved the simplicity of it the cuddles I watched loads of Netflix, my house was so clean (obviously only talking about my first as with other toddlers this isn't possible), we could go for long brisk walks, drink coffee in cafes etc BUT I found from around 18 months so so so difficult, it was a huge shock tbh. I only ever heard about newborns and how hard newborns were etc etc and when I had my first it was fine. Once mine started moving I couldn't sit for 5 seconds, they were all super climbs, bolters, weren't hugely into toys until a lot older. It was beyond exhausting, I found having a baby way, way easier. All I ever heard and now hear is that it gets so much easier as they get older. It is now that they are older but as gorgeous as toddlers are 18 months to 3 was so so full on , mine also still woke loads at that age.
I would have been totally positive I guess but I'm definitely honest about sleep etc.
Also some people have very chilled babies and loads of support, its very different if you don't. I do find people feel like they have to be positive a lot or they look like bad parents or something. My family can't hear anything negative about kids so I don't talk to them and I think this has made me not open up to friends. Its like with homeschooling at the moment, I don't know anyone who isn't struggling yet on social media its full of positivity and loving this life vibes. I've seen so many examples of this , met a neighbour once with a baby around the same age as mine and when I said it was good but I was v tired as baby up all night she told me how how "chilled" her baby was and sleeps so well Her dh past later (I didn't ask him anything )but said he exhausted as baby barely sleeping etc.
I guess people find it too hard to talk about or want to be positive or not feel like a failure...

I agree 100% OP. I think people don’t want to admit that it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be because once you’re in it, you’re in it. You can’t send your kids back!

My best friend and I moan about our kids all the time and we can do that with each other because we both know we love them but there are days when it’s so hard you feel shit that you must be getting it all wrong.

On a feminist note, it could be that society (especially the media) can’t portray how rubbish it really is because women would stop reproducing if they knew what an under-appreciated, underpaid job it really is!

I have two close friends and we are all very open and honest about our dc and how difficult it can be. But I do, do, the 'yeah it's great' to other people.

@midnightstar66

I'm sorry everyone, it's not a mindset thing or a positive attitude thing whether you find having a baby hard or not. It is usually about whether or not your baby has reflux or other health issues that affects how much they cry, and also about how much sleep you're getting and whether or not you can share feeds.

Disagree, some people are bothered less by crying, having a baby stuck to you. Some don't care about breast feeding in public or the dirty looks from people on the bus you are holding up while you juggle baby, bags and folding your pram or because your baby screams throughout the journey for no reason. I know people who became very isolated because reasons like this stopped them going out or the went our but it was all so stressful. I think individual personalities and positive get on with it attitudes can help massively

I find this quite offensive. My daughter wouldn't go in a car, buggy or sling without fighting it and screaming so much she was often sick. This happened until she was around 18 months old. I was pretty much restricted to travelling within ten minutes of my house for a year and a half because by the end of that period her screams were making me want to crash my car so we had to stay within her walking distance. If I went for coffee with a friend I had to spend 90% of the visit stood up holding her. I'm fairly certain a sunny disposition wouldn't have brought much light to that shit time. My eldest was a velcro baby and I wasn't that bothered about having her sleep on me, only short buggy trips etc. My youngest is the spawn of Satan.

Incidentally covid happened several months after her temperament improved so I haven't really left my local area with her almost three years later.

I think I worked so hard before having my children, and had such vile pregnancies, that having a newborn felt like a holiday.

I went travelling round the country to see friends, went out for lots of lunches, day trips, parties etc, all with a baby in a sling attached to me. Obviously only with my first though...

I got into a lovely habit of going for and evening walk with baby and my husband, which helped relax her. We played board games together. The house was tidier. I didn't watch much TV, as I've never been a big watcher, but most days I got a nap and that was lovely. I went to new groups and made new friends, and we'd often go for spontaneous lunch after a group. It was social and lovely, and a much more relaxed pace than my life had been before children. I guess, for the first 6 months or so, I was able to still prioritise the things I wanted to do, as my babies needs were simple and they just tagged along I guess.

Toddlers plus though, and it all changes
. Mine didn't sleep any better, but gone is the leisurely stroll round the museum followed by shopping and a looong lunch with friends, and instead soft play and trying to find time to eat your own lunch before they are back on the go again. Fun in its own way, but more effort, and necessarily more child centered.

I think I would have found the baby stage harder if it hasn't been for my slings though, as those meant I could keep my babies close, which kept them happy, whilst still being able to do things. They hated the pram, so I imagine it would have been stressful if I didn't have an alternative.

On here people do say it’s hard. Inc me because I know a lot of people do have it hard. But to be honest, my daughter wasn’t, or we personally didn’t find it hard. Don’t get me wrong she had the usual colic and exzema etc, but she went through from eleven weeks and because we bottle fed we simply took it in turns each night to do the feed, took it in turns to do a late night or early mornings.

So I think as much as many peoole do find or have it hard, you need to recognise also a lot of people don’t.