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Original poster

Why don't people talk about how hard it is having a baby?

140 replies

Lelophants · 04/02/2021 13:48

I feel like I've tried to be really open about the ups and downs and be there for anyone going through it all (I have one friend who is similar and it really helped me when sleep deprived and going through hard times to know it'll pass and in not alone). Most people I talk to just don't talk about it though!

We have friends with a baby just slightly older than us. When they ask how we are I am always pretty open, but all they ever reply is "great, really good!" when I ask how they are. Then later on they always tell us it was actually really stressful and they had the same issues. 😅

Another two friends have recently had babies and when we ask how they are, they just go "yeah really amazing, so perfect, so happy" etc. I know that can't be true as heard from one of their partner they had 3 nights of no sleep.

We're not the kind of people who go around giving constant advice (as we know how annoying that is!) And we also don't complain 24/7 either, we just try to be honest.

It's made me want to just say everything's fine when asked now, even if it's not 🙈 I feel like it's still taboo to mention anything that isn't 100% positive? Is it just me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lelophants · 04/02/2021 14:34

@Ohalrightthen

For a lot of people (me included) the good outweighs the bad. Yeah, you're not getting much sleep and youre changing endless shitty nappies, but you've got a baby! So you're full of love and joy and that's what you want to talk about.

You sound weirdly obsessed with people being "open and honest" with you. Maybe they just don't want to be!

Weirdly obsessed? Confused

No, it's the fact I think people sometimes struggle and feel like they can't talk about it because they're not allowed to. Postpartum depression is incredibly high.

Oh well. Maybe just me! I personally find it really tough (and yes I still love him and want more!!) I'm glad I have some people I can talk to about it. I guess I've realised I'm not as close to some people as I thought. Maybe they find it really easy (good for them!) or talk to others or don't find it helpful.

Or maybe they just live on mumsnet. 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
ReggieKrait · 04/02/2021 14:48

No, I’m very honest with people (close friends and family at least) about how gut-wrenchingly hard and shitty the first few months with a newborn are. Telling them otherwise is doing them a disservice! If you’re lucky there is light at the end of the tunnel at 12 weeks as things start to fall into place.

I wish friends had been more brutally honest with me when I had my first. It would have helped me feel a little less alone and like a crap Mum in those early weeks.

Thecomfortador · 04/02/2021 14:49

I don't remember really wanting to talk about how hard it was with anyone. Yes I was tired, yes my first didn't eat anything. But it wasn't something I felt the need to tell people. So when people ask how you are, I just assumed they knew I'd be tired, so yes good thanks, it's all good fun type of thing.

Plus I think I'm finding it harder now they are slightly older and more complex as individual beings. And no-one's really interested once they're over 12 months are they.

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Families
Solongtoshort · 04/02/2021 14:56

Do you think it might be that your friends didn’t want to add to your problem, l know when my friends come to me l try to gage wether the want solidarity or just someone to listen, l hate it when l have a problem and someone says me too and there’s is 50 times worse.

It is hard though and as much as the saying goes “this too shall pass” it just passes to something else.

thelegohooverer · 04/02/2021 14:57

I’ve had times where if I said anything other than a blasé answer, I’d have broken down completely and I had no faith that I’d be able to pick myself up again and keep going.

Original poster
Lelophants · 04/02/2021 14:58

@ReggieKrait

No, I’m very honest with people (close friends and family at least) about how gut-wrenchingly hard and shitty the first few months with a newborn are. Telling them otherwise is doing them a disservice! If you’re lucky there is light at the end of the tunnel at 12 weeks as things start to fall into place.

I wish friends had been more brutally honest with me when I had my first. It would have helped me feel a little less alone and like a crap Mum in those early weeks.

This
OP posts:
SurvivalIsInsufficient · 04/02/2021 14:58

Is that a joke? All people say about babies is how hard it is, literally constantly.
Who doesn't know that its hard to have babies? My 5 year old could tell you.

Original poster
Lelophants · 04/02/2021 14:58

@thelegohooverer

I’ve had times where if I said anything other than a blasé answer, I’d have broken down completely and I had no faith that I’d be able to pick myself up again and keep going.
Flowers
OP posts:
Cpl654321 · 04/02/2021 14:59

Your friends are different to mine. Mine definitely told me aaaaalllll the gory details of what happened to their bodies, their minds, and their marriages as a result of having children. Like too much info. I was under absolutely no illusions about pregnancy, childbirth, or children Grin

unmarkedbythat · 04/02/2021 15:01

When things were hard when I had babies the last thing I was up for was baring my soul to people about it.

Fascinationends · 04/02/2021 15:01

If I had told anyone how hard I was finding having a newborn baby I would have started crying and never stopped. My "all good" was basically code for "leave me alone".
However, if you had asked me how parenting my 12 month old was going, "all good" was code for "fucking awesome" but noone wanted to know she slept for 14 hours, plus 2 naps, was totally angelic and ate like a dream.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2021 15:09

You’re still holding onto the idea that only the people moaning are being honest. Why assume you know better and that the people who say they’re enjoying it are lying? It might make you feel better but it’s just not necessarily true.

There is no stigma at all to saying parenting and especially babies are hard work. None. You’re ignoring all the posts from people who didn’t struggle or expected to because it’s all anyone talks about.

I’m grateful to a friend who told me how great having a baby was and how her newborns were wonderful and it was a happy time. I felt the same and told a different friend who had a baby recently the same and she thanked me because she’s loving it, despite some normal struggles, and wanted to talk about how content she is because people only ever assume it’s a grinding nightmare. She’s not smug, she’s honest.

For some reason you seem unwilling to accept your experience will be different from other people’s.

pawivy · 04/02/2021 15:09

I think out of a group of fifteen I met at a class, three of us are open and close friends. The rest either are better at it or have easier babies. It's bloody hard.

There's some people who just seem to breeze it. There's a poster up thread saying their newborn slept all night from birth. See? How's that even possible when it's drummed into you, here anyway, that a newborn should never ever go more than four hours without a feed. Makes you feel shit or your decision shit so why bother.

Had this recently when I tried to discuss tantrums with someone semi sensible. She said oh my Dd doesn't do that, I wouldn't allow it. Again, makes you feel shit.

So I just don't bother as it makes me feel like an even worse mum when already struggling.

OuiOuiKitty · 04/02/2021 15:12

Personally I loved it and didn't find it hard at all. I remember at my 6 week check up being asked 'no how do you really feel' and saying no really, I'm great. I had straight forward births, no stitches etc, quick recovery time. I'm a bit of an insomniac so lack of sleep didn't bother me, I enjoyed the company and it being just the 2 of us. I used to gloss over it though when my 2 were small because I felt like people wanted you to be struggling, I'd never say I love it, it's wonderful because I felt like people would be eye rolling.

I think my dream job would be looking after wee babies, I adore them.

Radglags · 04/02/2021 15:14

I probably come across as more honest now I have an 18 month old but I LOVED having a newborn / small baby.
I was in bliss so if anyone asked I’d say it was great and I was having the best time but if they asked if the baby slept I was honest that she was a shite sleeper and if they asked how feeding was going I’d be honest that she was exceptionally vomit prone and couldn’t lie down flat on her back.
I think at 18 months the endorphins have finally worn off Grin

NotPaloma · 04/02/2021 15:17

Maybe some people don't have major issues with their baby. I have a 5 month old and she's pretty easy really. Certainly nothing worth complaining about. I'm on a breastfeeding support group and feel a fraud because I find it easy. I'm just on it for the company.

If you want to talk about the horrors of birth however...

Chicchicchicchiclana · 04/02/2021 15:20

When I had my babies I spent quite a bit of time with people I met at NCT classes and we supported each other through the hard times. I know it would not have been the same if I'd been doing it all in almost complete isolation and with no baby groups on and not even being allowed to meet in each others housrs for a cup of tea. I really feel every sympathy with those who have become parents in this past year Flowers.

PrawnCorset · 04/02/2021 15:21

I genuinely don't see where you feel you're 'not allowed to'. No one seems to be censoring your attempts to be 'open and honest', they're just not reciprocating in the way you want them to.

Maybe they aren't finding the stuff you find hard as hard, or maybe they're finding it so hard they don't feel like talking about it, maybe they're quite private people, or maybe (if they aren't someone you know that well) they don't feel you're someone they want to talk to about the night they started googling fostering services, or were hallucinating the clock was talking to them because they were so sleep-deprived.

I had a miserable time after the birth of my son eight years ago, but like many people, I withdraw when I've got troubles. Sharing them doesn't halve them for me, it makes me feel worse if anything. I didn't feel there was the slightest taboo -- women around me at NCT coffee mornings and Sure Start centres and in books (have you read Rachel Cusk's On Motherhood?) etc were complaining like mad about how awful things were. I just didn't want to talk about it, even to close friends who would have sympathised, so I didn't.

You sound as if you think it's proof of closeness to have people tell you their difficulties. It really isn't. Or not for me.

notalwaysalondoner · 04/02/2021 15:23

I do agree - I’m expecting my first in July and my friends who already have babies never seem to complain much. I suspect it’s a secret mum club that once you’re in they admit to how hard it is. I also believe there’s a lot of pressure, particularly on women, to be the perfect mother and act like everything is ok.

You do also have to recognise though some people genuinely have easy babies - my best friend seems to have found it all quite smooth. I think also it’s maybe a bit of a mindset thing as she’s very laid back and relaxed so didn’t worry about every tiny thing her baby did/didn’t do.

AnnaSW1 · 04/02/2021 15:24

Because it's the first rule of Baby Club Grin

MargaretThursday · 04/02/2021 15:30

I attended antenatal classes when pg with dd2 (didn't for dd1 as we were moving away from the area). There was one other mum there who was also a 2nd time mum.

Apparently for two of the new mums (on the anonymous survey afterwards) the most useful part of the whole course was when me and the other mum caught each other's eye and laughed when one of the 1st timers said confidently "if you've practiced your breathing then labour will never hurt."
It made them think about actually it was going to hurt and they felt better prepared apparently. Grin

abc31 · 04/02/2021 15:30

Like you, I wouldn't give advice or an opinion unless asked. But our children are 14 and 16 and my husband and I still talk about how hard we found the baby years. Not helped by both having reflux and crying a lot.

Above all, it was the lack of sleep that I found most difficult, I felt like I was in a constant haze. Not that I didn't love my children as babies, but both of us find babies quite boring. Really enjoyed the toddler years onwards though.

korawick12345 · 04/02/2021 15:34

Are you kidding! All most new parents do is complain about how hard having a baby is! I don’t think I know a single person who is under the impression having a baby is easy. If anything the level of difficulty is over egged as not everyone finds it so difficult.

YessicaHaircut · 04/02/2021 15:37

It took us years and a lot of heartbreak to get her here and yes I had days when I was tired but it wasn’t hard and it certainly wasn’t harder than the nightmare of wanting a baby and not having one.

Having been through this too I agree. I do find it very hard some days though when I’ve had very little sleep and am more than happy to admit it! I’ve found all along though that some bits of being a parent are much easier than I expected and others are much more difficult. It’s the happiest, most frustrating, exhausting and most joyful time of my whole life.

RudeAF · 04/02/2021 15:37

They do talk about it Confused endlessly. Then have two or three more babies anyway and talk about how much harder they have it than someone with one baby.