Why don't people talk about how hard it is having a baby?

[Lelophants]

I feel like I've tried to be really open about the ups and downs and be there for anyone going through it all (I have one friend who is similar and it really helped me when sleep deprived and going through hard times to know it'll pass and in not alone). Most people I talk to just don't talk about it though!

We have friends with a baby just slightly older than us. When they ask how we are I am always pretty open, but all they ever reply is "great, really good!" when I ask how they are. Then later on they always tell us it was actually really stressful and they had the same issues. 😅

Another two friends have recently had babies and when we ask how they are, they just go "yeah really amazing, so perfect, so happy" etc. I know that can't be true as heard from one of their partner they had 3 nights of no sleep.

We're not the kind of people who go around giving constant advice (as we know how annoying that is!) And we also don't complain 24/7 either, we just try to be honest.

It's made me want to just say everything's fine when asked now, even if it's not 🙈 I feel like it's still taboo to mention anything that isn't 100% positive? Is it just me?

I think a mixture of things.

I think in quite lucky in that my baby is quite easy going for the most part and took a. While to get here after some Heartache so some bumpy times is nothing in comparison. I genuinely at this stage do not find it that hard thankfully.

Secondly personality types. I'm quite positive and I don't like to dwell. I will say if we've had a rough night or whatever but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't that bad. Especially at the moment I count my blessings there's much worse going on. Not that people shouldn't say if they are feeling down/ having a tough time they absolutely should that's just not my experience and there will be other people who are the same as me.

I've actually found the opposite in that most threads and conversations are about how hard it is and if you say you are doing well/ fine/ finding it for the most part better than expected then people think you're lying!

They don’t sound like you’re someone that they want to open up to while things are happening. I have friends I talk to when I need support, and friends I’m happier chatting to when the situation is over...

But some people just don’t find it as hard. It’s really individual to the woman and the baby.

They do. It’s just before you have them you don’t really listen, and even if you do, you don’t actually understand.

Then once the baby is here people feel bad because they do love the baby, so they feel they ought to be loving the whole parenting thing no matter how difficult it is.

I am brutally honest whenever anyone asks, here on MN and also IRL. As it happens I was fortunate and had easy and straightforward labours/deliveries/recoveries, and also fairly easy babies. But I have lots of siblings and lots of experience with babies (personal and professional) so I’m always very careful to lay it on the line that it can be very, very rough on your body, your mind and your relationship.

I remember the first time my second slept through the night (properly slept through, not just several hours) and after 5 1/2 years of broken sleep I felt like a completely different person! I woke up thinking oh my god this is what it feels like to be ‘normal’ and not be utterly exhausted! The sleep deprivation is a very real concern for a lot of people - there’s a reason why they use it as a method of psychological torture!

I also believe there’s a lot of pressure, particularly on women, to be the perfect mother and act like everything is ok.

In my experience this isn’t true at all.

Most people tell you, quite gleefully, that having a baby will ruin your body, sanity, sex life, marriage, finances. If that was true people wouldn’t have a second. As evidenced on this thread alone, people who say it did none of those things are the outliers and considered either smug or liars.

I think that people I know have been quite open about how hard it is at times. For me I haven’t found it taboo. I will mention problems with sleep or weaning etc when chatting to other parents.

I don’t think it’s an appropriate topic for everybody though. I think it’s appropriate for people who are in a similar situation or have been in the past - not just anybody, for a variety of reasons.

How's that even possible when it's drummed into you, here anyway, that a newborn should never ever go more than four hours without a feed. Makes you feel shit or your decision shit so why bother.

It wasn't drummed into me. I have family members and a close friend who are childcare professionals so if what I was doing was concerning they would have told me.

My DD woke up when she was hungry or did a poo. However she spent between 5pm - 10pm cluster feeding from 3 months until about 7 months. I mixed fed so I could have at least an hour doing something like eating.

I find the opposite! I find that all people do is complain how hard it is!
This was also when I was struggling to ttc at the time and had been married a couple of years. People saying you have all this to come... then proceed to tell you how hard it is! And how they have it harder than people without babies etc!
I found it easier having a newborn as expected as everyone was telling me it was soo hard! Im assuming I had an easy baby!
I do believe in different mindsets also! I found I was more relaxed than some of my friends being a FTM. I'm not sure if it's the nurse in me that helped with that!
Also the worst days with a twisty/crying baby was much better than the dark days when struggling to conceive!
My little one is only 18months now so I'm still a newbie parent! We still have a long way to go 😀

I agree with the posters saying the exact opposite is in fact true. You can’t move nowadays without being bombarded by mummy bloggers sharing some “hilarious” insight about how parenting is hard and they need Gin. How original.

Plus condescending twats going around saying about how other people can’t possibly understand how hard it all is (before going on to having another one so they can update to how people can’t possibly understand how hard it is having two.

I was on a catch up zoom the other weekend where a good 45 mins was taken up by people gleefully sharing their birth trauma stories to a pregnant friend who looked visibly upset.

I agree sharing stories and talking is good but we’ve gone way too far in my opinion. God forbid someone gives the slightest indication that they actually love their children and enjoy spending time with them.

I'm sorry everyone, it's not a mindset thing or a positive attitude thing whether you find having a baby hard or not. It is usually about whether or not your baby has reflux or other health issues that affects how much they cry, and also about how much sleep you're getting and whether or not you can share feeds.

@floorplanner

I'm sorry everyone, it's not a mindset thing or a positive attitude thing whether you find having a baby hard or not. It is usually about whether or not your baby has reflux or other health issues that affects how much they cry, and also about how much sleep you're getting and whether or not you can share feeds.

Yeah exactly! Babies really vary in how easy they are. My NCT group was w huge support with my first and we were all very honest with each other, but there was a massive variation in our experiences. My baby was a high needs Velcro baby and we also struggled with feeding and sleep so I felt pretty hard done by! Others had a much more chilled time. It’s just luck of the draw.

I've been rewatching episodes of Call the Midwife and in almost every episode a new mother will make the comment that having a baby has made everything perfect, or motherhood is the best thing to happen to her, life is now so rewarding, or they can't imagine life without the baby, or they could just stare at the baby all day because they love them so much. It makes me feel bad because I never felt like that! I loved my children as babies but I didn't enjoy much of the baby time as it's all so relentless and definitely not rewarding much of the time, plus the lack of sleep really affected me. I hated being woken in the night.

Luckily, after a few months I met other mothers who were completely honest about how they felt and we were able to discuss how difficult it was.

Honestly, and this isn't a boast, because read to the end, but for me, I found the transition to motherhood great, I loved the baby phase, and both times it was one of the best periods of my life. So from my perspective there was nothing to warn people about. On the contrary, I find it odd how others had such a different view on it. My babies didn't sleep btw, I've had colic, both required context naps for a long time. They weren't objectively easy babies. I just enjoyed it.

Toddlerhood and preeschoolers on the other hand, I'd warn you about them all day, because though lovely, they are exhausting and brutal in a whole new way! And they still don't sleep! At least mine don't. I was up from 2-6 last night, and they were up for the day at 7. And you don't have nap time to rejuvenate (even theoretically), there's no easy days with a box set, it's go go go - often whilst juggling with at the same time.

When I had my second, when my eldest went for an occasional nursery or grandparent day, it felt like a literal day off, with just a young baby.

But saying this sort of thing isn't helpful for someone struggling, so we have to keep quiet. I wouldn't be surprised if someone says that this post is unhelpful for the same reason, which is because there's a lot of pressure to keep things quiet in parenting, so as not to worry people.

Take heart though, done toddlers sleep, and some find it an easy phase. Apparently teenagers are the worst, so we can ask fear that together!

@floorplanner

I'm sorry everyone, it's not a mindset thing or a positive attitude thing whether you find having a baby hard or not. It is usually about whether or not your baby has reflux or other health issues that affects how much they cry, and also about how much sleep you're getting and whether or not you can share feeds.

I dunno about this. I had a hourly waking colicky, refluxy, exclusively breastfed bottle refuser, and i still fucking loved the newborn phase. She was just completely worth it to me. I think a lot of it really is due to how you're wired. Some people find it bearable and some people don't, just like how some people can handle spicy food and some can't. It's not a value judgement, it's not about having a bad attitude or being negative, it's just about what you as an individual can cope with.

I remember when my ds was a baby a couple were annoyed at me that I never complained about my ds but as a single parent I had no-one to share the reality of it with I just sucked up the relentlessness of it all as complaint wasn't part of my world. They went NC on me in the end, it was only when I thought about it afterwards that I could work out what had happened.

@MagicMatilda

It’s like when people ask how you are, you just say fine thanks and move on. It’s boring for people if you go into the whole ins and outs?

My mum always told me this ! I’ve always said to anyone asking im fine as I thought she was right But now if I ask her if she’s ok she whinges about 4589 different things so I stopped asking as she’s a hypocrite

One of my friends had a baby 6-7 months before me and when mine was 3 weeks old talking about how it was I said "blah blah blah, but we're coping ok" and her response was "I'd be worried if you weren't it's easy" so yeah. Same friend also comments on my (75th centile weight, 98th centile length) baby being tiny, while in the next breath saying she only finds big babies cute. So possibly not the best person to compare how parenting is with because no matter what I'd be doing the wrong thing

It’s so interesting isn’t it, so hard to imagine how others people’s experience can be so wildly different. I’m of the ‘the first year is fucking trauma’ variety, often complain about how hard child rearing is. For me, it is the hardest and most difficult thing that’s ever happened to me. Bereavement, loss, adultery, none of those things as stressful as having small kids! And so it amazes me that people have such a lovely experience, especially those of you saying that you felt like that despite no sleep. I understand it more for those blessed with sleepers.

But anyway, a good friendship of mine was badly affected by my complaining during my child’s first year, while the pal was pregnant. She didn’t want to hear that as a prediction. When baby came it was all wonderful and idyllic, but later she admitted it was hell. But I think for many people it takes time to process their experiences and feelings. For some it just seems to be ok!

I agree with you OP it definitely feels taboo - I HATED the baby stage with an unholy passion, and made the mistake of telling people - I didn’t hate my son - quite the contrary!

The baby age though was hellish 🙈😂 - people seemed disgusted I wasn’t bouncing around in wide eyed wonder and delight (in fairness, they could have not given a shit but I was so mentally f*cked I was sure everyone was judging me).

Toddlers though - I bloody love! If someone asks me how we are I can hand on heart say “amazing!” “Great” etc, because we really are. It doesn’t seem to be as taboo to whinge about toddlers mind - I’ve found lots of my friends adored the tiny baby stage but really struggle with a toddler.

I am expecting baby 2 in April, and just don’t tell people how much I’m dreading having a newborn again, I keep telling myself it’ll be temporary and it’s none of their business!

I suspect a lot of it is down to when the child starts sleeping better. Everything is better when not exhausted.

I think probably because it’s simultaneously wonderful and really hard. I found it incredibly difficult but I also loved them to bits and thought they were amazing. Also because if someone just casually asked how it was going I don’t think they actually wanted to hear every single worry from my addled mind or an account of every single sleepless night for the last few months or all my thoughts that I wasn’t cut out for it, so I just said “it’s going well thank you”.

I think it's sad when years later people go "yeah I really struggled and felt really alone." 😳

I think it more accepted to discuss how you are struggling now against what you are doing ok with.

If you talk about what's going really well you are smug, boastful and gloating. If you are struggling and talking about bad everything is, people are ok with that.

Everyone's experience is different. Personally, I found raising babies and toddlers quite easy (I had two under 2).
But I have found it sooo hard being a parent of junior school age children.

Is it really that hard for everyone?
I found the newborn stage soooo difficult and so when friends had newborns after me was (I think) really supportive, messaging them about asking about feeding issues, giving lots of sympathetic texts etc... and for many they just were having quite a wonderful time and everything slotted into place with feeding etc... (or worse made comments like “breastfeedings been so hard but I’m so proud I persevered” which somehow upset me a bit since it hadn’t worked for me)

I felt strange about it but I just think peoples experiences (and babies!) vary