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Original poster

Why don't people talk about how hard it is having a baby?

140 replies

Lelophants · 04/02/2021 13:48

I feel like I've tried to be really open about the ups and downs and be there for anyone going through it all (I have one friend who is similar and it really helped me when sleep deprived and going through hard times to know it'll pass and in not alone). Most people I talk to just don't talk about it though!

We have friends with a baby just slightly older than us. When they ask how we are I am always pretty open, but all they ever reply is "great, really good!" when I ask how they are. Then later on they always tell us it was actually really stressful and they had the same issues. 😅

Another two friends have recently had babies and when we ask how they are, they just go "yeah really amazing, so perfect, so happy" etc. I know that can't be true as heard from one of their partner they had 3 nights of no sleep.

We're not the kind of people who go around giving constant advice (as we know how annoying that is!) And we also don't complain 24/7 either, we just try to be honest.

It's made me want to just say everything's fine when asked now, even if it's not 🙈 I feel like it's still taboo to mention anything that isn't 100% positive? Is it just me?

OP posts:
Happylittlethoughts · 04/02/2021 20:22

OP, I had a textbook angelic baby first time round and to be honest I was completely on top of my game. All up, dressed , hair done, make up by 8.30 am . It was easy.
THEN.... then, I had my second baby and Jesus wept... could not have a more different experience. Omg ..the screaming ..the screaming . I hid my Mum's shoes so she could leave my house... I shuffled around in my dressing gown at 5pm .
Know this, every baby is different..parents are pretty the same. It's not you at all ..its the baby Grin Remember how fake the Social media generation can be. You're doing a great job !

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 04/02/2021 20:34

How have you missed this? I have had so many people telling me how hard it is throughout my life that I was very, and unecessarily worried before I had my daughter. Perhaps it's the circles we move in?
What no one told me, at the time was the cost of childcare. I had tried to do a bit of research at the time but didn't really get realistic answers.

(Excuse my spelling)

FlyNow · 04/02/2021 20:41

No one talks about it, really? That is all people bloody talk about! As much as I want people to express themselves, to be honest I'm sick of hearing about how horrible it is, I've heard it so often. Of all the subjects on the internet "parenthood is shit" is easily in the top 10, if not top 5.

If anything saying the opposite is taboo. I actually did think having a baby was quite easy and fun, but I have never said that until now, because I knew people would think I was lying/tricking people/a loser/baby poo troll/etc.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Sceptre86 · 04/02/2021 21:03

With my dd it was bloody hard, first baby, so unsure of everything initially, feeding and sleeping were both a nightmare. The first 6 months were a hard slog. It got better. With ds a completely different experience he fed well and woke once a night every night but that I could deal with. I would complain to my mum, dh and friends with kids. I wouldn't to friends without kids as I didn't want to put them off. I never mentioned any of it to my inlaws as I felt (probably wrongly) that they thought any difficulties I was experiencing I created for myself.

DipSwimSwoosh · 04/02/2021 21:13

Honestly I loved every minute of having babies. I hated birth and found tiredness hard but I have never been happier. It was much easier than going to work each day. I now realise this is unusual. At the time I don't think I did.

thetinselbadge · 04/02/2021 21:13

It honestly depends on your friends, the best thing you can have is a friend who you can have an honest discussion with. Worth their weight in gold. I do know some people who just don't want to go there for whatever reason and would never say anything negative.

Not everyone finds it hard, my baby wasn't hard but parts of it are hard so I had plenty to say to my trusted few. After spending time on Mumsnet, I expected it to be harder than it was.

I would never say anything negative to anyone I don't know that well or anyone TTC as I don't think it's my place to share my experiences unless they explicitly ask.

MintyMabel · 04/02/2021 22:01

Mine weren't and I found babies reeeeallly hard just like you. Just kept quiet unless it was a like minded audience because I found the reactions a bit dispiriting.

I had the opposite experience. Mine was a pretty easy baby, slept well etc. I felt uncomfortable talking about it because it sounded smug so I just kept quiet.

ramarama · 04/02/2021 22:10

I was obviously lucky - not that my baby was easy (wasn't - couldn't feed, didn't sleep, bad PND) but lucky in that many/most of my friends had had hard times, and were willing to talk about it.
Also a couple in NCT group had some difficulties, so we were all pretty honest (and whingy, and unhappy - but not alone!)

good luck OP

Ladywinesalot · 04/02/2021 22:21

It depends on your personality though doesn’t it?

Some ppl like to overshare and moan about evveeerryyyyything in their life.

Some ppl are private and look for the positives.

I have been both in diff stages of life and often depends on my mental health.

GoldenOmber · 04/02/2021 22:22

When people say "how's it going?" usually they're looking for a quick simple answer, they don't want to hear "I feel like I'm failing this clingy little insomniac who never seems happy and I don't have an uninterrupted thought to myself any more and my brain is in shreds and I am lacking so much sleep I can't lace my own shoes, but also sometimes I just lie next to him at night gazing in wonder at how he is the most perfect most beautiful baby ever and I think I've never done anything this brilliant in my life, then he throws up down my milk-soaked pyjamas again and I burst into tears. How are you?"

Also if you have a shit sleeper, you learn fast that sometimes it's best to say "going fine, thanks!" rather than deal with all the Helpful Tips. ("Have you tried -" YES, FUCK OFF.)

bubblebubblebubbletrouble · 04/02/2021 22:22

My friend and I were talking about this after about 4/5 weeks in the hit by a bus stage and again when dd1 was about 6 mths old. Her ds1 is about 6 months older.
We concluded that you wouldn't believe it if you were told, if it was described to you because it's so different to anything else.

However fear of failure by voicing it allowed is also a factor i think. Expectation that it's all rosy & wonderful.
Also dd2 for me was so easy til 6 months - thankfully due to relationship breakdown and juggling her endless medical appointments....so maybe it's not actually that hard for everyone 🤷‍♀️

converseandjeans · 04/02/2021 22:25

I think people are always moaning about babies/kids in real life.There's loads of threads on here too.

converseandjeans · 04/02/2021 22:28

I'm same as annelovesgilbert it took us ages to conceive and it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I imagined. I had heard so many stories about sleepless nights that I was assuming it would be a nightmare.

zymummy · 04/02/2021 23:09

I genuinely thought the newborn stage to 18 months was fine and my dd didn't even sleep through until 4 months ago (she's nearly 3) and she slept every single nap and sleep on me for a good 12 months .. my mum said she was a hard baby but I didn't know any different tbh.

I think it comes down to expectation. If you are a social party animal etc then yes it might be a proper shock to you but if you sort of know that you will be a slave to a little human for a while you get on with it?

But of course everyone thought I was being smug or lying? I really wasn't. I enjoyed it all.. I have my days now where I hate motherhood haha but everyone has a different experience and to agree with previous posters.. if anything.. that's all anyone ever talks about is how "hard" it's supposed to be lol

GreenSlide · 04/02/2021 23:12

Because if you tell someone you're finding a particular thing hard they'll insist on giving you advice and you'll have to smile and nod whilst pretending you don't want to tell them where to shove their advice.

mootymoo · 04/02/2021 23:24

Not everyone finds it that hard, mine were ok, coped fine but I was younger, my friends having them in their 40's complain a lot more!

HexWitch · 04/02/2021 23:28

I didn't find my babies hard at all. Some people do, some don't.

peanutbuttermilkshake · 04/02/2021 23:30

I agree with @FlyNow all I ever see is people saying how hard parenting is.

I’m a bit Confused when people point out that having a baby is really hard because well, yes, of course it is - you’re raising another human. An old friend of mine is always sharing those viral FB posts which say things like ‘Look out for your mummy friends. Nobody understands how hard it can be not being able to even eat or piss in peace sometimes’ and I can’t help but think well duh?! You’ve had a newborn baby?! What did you think it’d be like!?

Babyboomtastic · 04/02/2021 23:31

Interestingly there is a post elsewhere on Mumsnet about what age people found hardest, and whilst there are a couple of mentions of newborns, toddlers and teenagers dominate ..

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 04/02/2021 23:35

Mine were easy as babies, but they have got progressively harder and more challenging with age. I find this goes against the grain of what I hear from most other parents I speak with Hmm

Xmasbaby11 · 04/02/2021 23:44

My friends have been honest, even before I had kids. I can't remember anyone saying it was perfect! Lots of jokes and tears about the difficulties, as well as discussing the positives, what has worked and how much we loved our babies. I don't feel there is any taboo - I have friends all over the place with kids and they are all open. In fact even colleagues with I don't know that well, we bond over sleepless nights etc. I think it just depends on your friendships.

KylieKangaroo · 04/02/2021 23:51

@justyouwaitandseeagain that has been my experience too.

gypsywater · 04/02/2021 23:54

I find people never stop talking about how hard and apparently awful it is!

ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat · 04/02/2021 23:58

Its horrible when someone moans all the bloody time.

wonderstuff · 05/02/2021 00:04

I think people did tell me how hard it was, certainly my mum was really open about having had PND, she went on to be a volunteer supporting other women. I was expecting it to be difficult, but part of me thought everyone has kids how hard can it actually be, and also I had no concept of how hard it was because until you do have a baby you've no idea. My youngest is 10 and my memory of those early years is hazy now. I know I never want to do it again, but I couldn't at this point properly articulate what it was like.

I did think I'd made a terrible mistake having children, for some time, but now, at 10 &13, they are such a joy and I can't imagine life without them. I wonder if older mums under play the awfulness because it gets so much better later on.